Another One Bites the Dust

It happened....your Stacey Jo got engaged. I haven't really talked about Chris yet because as I have been repeatedly told by Stacey he is a (in her words) "very private person". He came out in May to meet the fam and you could tell Stacey liked him a lot because she had "that look". I have to admit it was very strange to see Stacey with a *gulp* man because he is her first boyfriend so my first inclination was to tell him to get his big, greasy, slimy paws off of her...but I guess that's how she felt when Bryan came around so I can't really say much! hehehe  He survived his visit with minimal (emotional and psychological) damage and apparently we didn't scare him off because he stuck around despite our best efforts to put him through the ringer. hehehehe He doesn't talk much when you first meet him, which you know me...that kind of weirds me out because I can't stop talking most of the time...but he opened up and we got to hear his "Missouri accent" and all his crazy stories that make me surprised he is still alive. Now, I do have to say it wasn't until we visited MO a few weeks ago that I really got to know him better because he was in his element so he was more laid back and talkative. He took us to Cheddars for dinner and then to Andy's for dessert custard. I am not sure if that was a pro or con on my "list" because it made me totally sick...but I guess he didn't make me order the chicken fried chicken then get a chocolate, peanut butter, carmel, custard thing for dessert. haha They have only been together for about...6 months or so but I guess when you are *that* old why waste time?! hahaha So today I got the call and I knew something was up because she had an urgency to get to the end of the story. I knew he was getting her a necklace because mommy had told me earlier in the week he had showed her pics of it (and let's be honest, we can't keep secrets!) but by the way she was talking I knew there was much more. She is obviously on cloud...15 and we are very happy to see her so happy! She deserves someone to love her and adore her as much as you did...and I think he will! We (me, mom, and the sisters) always said that she needed someone who could get her to lighten up and just enjoy life and Chris seems to do that for her.
   After you passed away last year I told her that I really felt that God had kept her single in order for her to be able to help mommy take care of you. Madeline and I have hubbies and families to take care of and emotionally we really couldn't handle everything that was needed to care for you 24/7. Stacey bore the burden of caring for you and stayed strong like a seasoned pro. I admire her more than I can say for how much she went through emotionally just helping mom (and you) in those final weeks. The mere site of you so worn and frail was too much for me most of the time but she put all of that aside and focused on YOU. I feel so selfish that I couldn't handle it and it's one regret I have but God gave Stacey grace times a million to be there for you and for mom. I know she broke down often but over all her strength was something only God could have given her. I told her at that time that God had told me He would bring her Mister Right along very soon and I guess I was right. We don't always know why God does what He does, but I can see so clearly that He really did have Stacey in His plan to be available for you and mom during such a horrible experience and then would bring her joy after her sorrow! God is still on the Throne and He is good!
   On our way home tonight from your house as we got on the freeway it all hit me and tears started streaming down my face. I realized she wouldn't have her daddy to walk her down the aisle...she wouldn't have a daddy/daughter dance with you...and you won't get to see your firstborn baby girl marry the man of her dreams. My heart is grieving all those things for her because I know this is not how any of us imagined her Special Day being....without you here. It's a really hard pill to swallow and another loop on our grief "chart". So even though my heart is sooo happy for her it is also heavy for what is missing...you.
 You are loved and missed more as the days pass!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Thought I would walk down memory lane and post some pics of your little Stacey Jo. I don't have too many since I am not at your house but I have a few. She is the spitten' image of mommy...lucky her because I am YOUR twin! haha

 Stacey and I at my bridal shower...she was my maid of honor so I told her that that means she has to return the favor...no big deal if she doesn't...I just will hold it over her head for the next 50 years. bahaha

 Always been a great Auntie...so she will be an AWESOME mommy someday!

 She has a great "don't mess with me" face...I think it kept her single until Chris was able to break through her tough exterior! ahahaha

 So happy for these two...praying blessings on them and LOTS and LOTS of nieces and nephews for me!

All the "Firsts"

  Wow...I don't know where time has gone but I feel like I blinked and my whole summer was gone. And truthfully I have been in such a daze I don't even remember most of it! If I had a dollar for every time during the day I think to myself "I need to write dad about this" I would be a rich a woman! Life with 4 little ones is crazy and on top of it I took a fun trip with mom and your two "babies" last week to Missouri. I was just getting back into somewhat of a routine then left town so this last week has felt like trudging through mud to get back on track. This whole post will probably be completely disjointed and random because I am beyond exhausted right now. Let's see if I can just go in order of events (or at least from what I remember ha!) so that it makes a little sense. We had lots of firsts this month-Weston and Lucy's first plane ride, Lucy meeting her great grandparents, our first trip without you, Weston's first time at Silver Dollar City, Lucy's first time rolling over, etc. Here are all those stories!
   I will start with your grandkids...they are continuing to grow and change everyday! Colin turned 5 this last week and I am in shock that my baby boy is that old! He is SO helpful to me, has such a sweet heart, and is totally emotional. We are working through his school book and he is always so proud of himself when he does something new and succeeds! He had a Batman & Superman party as those are his current favorite superheros. Our close friends and family all came to celebrate him with us and the kids enjoyed all the water fun Bryan set up outside. Yet again I had a moment of "Call dad to bring tables and chairs" then realized I couldn't ask that of you. It was heart-wrenching like all those moments always are. But we managed without...like we had a choice! hehe Colin is always making us laugh with his funny sayings and anecdotes. A recent one was me telling him I didn't want him to turn 5 and asked him if he could stay 4, to which he replied, "Mom, I can't! People have to have birthdays!" Can't argue with that! Then the day after he turned 5 he said, "I feel different. I think my mind and body are changing." And yet again today he told Bryan, "When I am 7 I am going to have a Superman party." Bryan asked him what comes after 5 to which he said, "6....when I am 6 I am going to have a Superman party!" He never ceases to make us laugh and his little brain is always at work! Cecily...where do I start. This little girl is just my fluffy little sweetheart! She is always quick to want to help with Lucy, give me kisses if I need them, help Owen get a drink or snack if he needs it (This however has resulted in so many spills over the last week I am about to install a drain in the kitchen floor so I can just hose it down!), and occasionally sits next to me on the couch to stroke my arm or tell me I am beautiful. Her smile is contagious and the way her little nose wrinkles up when she is smiles is just too cute for words. She is also doing well in school and I am now finding papers all over the house with all the shapes she has learned on them. I think that is one of my favorite things about having little ones...seeing them actually put to use what you are teaching them. I don't even tell them to practice but I find papers all over with their hard work on it. It makes my heart smile! She started ballet with me again and is still a baby elephant. When we do "Princess walks" quietly across the floor she just thumps loudly without a care in the world. When asked to skip she just does this one legged walk with a big grin on her face. I am glad I am her teacher so I can witness all these things myself! Owen, Oh Owen. His mischievous nature and curious mind are just too much! I frequently find things taken apart (just like his daddy did when he was little!), toilet paper shredded to resemble snow, him standing on the kitchen table or back of the couch saying, "I jump! 2, 3!", standing over Lucy rubbing her head so vigorously I am surprised she still has any hair, etc. This little guy is so much fun and causes so many gray hairs! He is learning how to play well with others which does not come naturally. He is kind of a bully so we are working on his people skills. hehe He had his drs appt this last week and it made us laugh because his body is in the 40% but his head is in the 98%. I get told by people frequently he has a big head to which I reply, "yes, we call him Charlie Brown." The dr also said that his speech is advanced for his age and he growing just perfect! His favorite things to say are, "I want milkies" (this kid nurses alllll day), "stop it" (while he makes engry eyebrows at you), "I don't know" (when asked where anything/anyone is), "Hi wushy" (Lucy), and "It's a shaaaark" (in a very growly voice). We are enjoying seeing him grow and how different his tastes are from Colin. The one thing they have in common is their love for superheros. Owen sings, "na na na na, Batman!" all day! Lucy, we have come to call her Lucy Lu, Little LuLu, or LuLu Belle. I am just loving her more and more everyday! Her beautiful blue eyes, her soft dark hair, her amazing smile, sweet little voice, and her baby skin are simply wonderful! I can't get enough of her! I find myself just sitting there staring at her as chaos reigns around me...and I don't even care! All these moments are gone in a flash and soon she will be joining her siblings in "terrorizing" my house. She is holding her head up really well, rolled over for the first time from back to tummy and has since done it one more time, is cooing and smiling when you talk to her, and is still dealing with some acid reflux. Today on our way to church she threw up in the carseat and when Bryan took it out of the base there was just a puddle from it dripping down. She smelled like strong cheese the whole time we were at church. hehe So that pretty much wraps up that part of life. All in all the kids are doing well and I am soaking in all these wonderful moments with my little gifts!
  After 4 weeks of being off my feet after having Lucy I then took a trip out to MO with mom and your little guys. It was Weston's first plane ride and he did awesome! I had totally forgotten he had never been on an airplane before so about halfway through mom mentioned how well he was doing. You know him, horribly nervous about everything, but he surprised me and was very (outwardly) calm and enjoyed the flight. We were fortunate to not have much turbulence on the way there but on the way back it was a bit bumpy here and there because of some storms over AZ. It was also Lucy's first time flying and I was so nervous she would scream the whole time since she likes to be walked around instead of sitting still but she slept the whole time both trips and did FANTASTIC! People around me didn't even know there was a baby on the plane because she didn't make a peep. Such an answer to prayer! Now the 3 hour car ride to and from the airport...not so much. She didn't really like being strapped in that long so we all had to endure lots of Lucy tears. The trip went really well and we got to see Stacey and celebrate C and A's wedding with them. We were so sad you weren't there because we know you would have loved to be there for them! They sang In Christ Alone and of course while I walked Lucy around the lobby I cried remembering the last event I heard that song at...your funeral. Those words will always strike such a strong emotional response for me because I have seen both the first cry of life in my own kids and your final breathe here on Earth. The weather there was a little warm but we still went out and explored the botanical gardens and the Bass Pro Shop. As well as the obvious shopping we are so good at! We ate at Cheddars and a fun little Gastro Pub they had there by our loft. We stayed in a neat loft that mom found a few months ago and it was nice not to be in a hotel where everyone around us would have heard Lucy crying all night. The lady had redone it really cute but it still had that "old loft" smell which to me added to the midwest feel. hehe The kids were a little...really freaked out because it turned out to be in a not so great part of town but we just made sure we weren't out too late. There were lots of cute little shops and coffee houses around it so mom and Dorothy had fun exploring those. It was a really nice trip and even though Lucy was a little fussy I still really enjoyed getting to see everyone there and to meet C's family.
  So on a deeper note...this last week since we got back has truthfully been really hard emotionally for me. I can't really pinpoint a reason why which makes me think I am having a little PPD. I know I am tired which can play into emotions and such but it feels a little more than that. I woke up Thursday in a total funk. I couldn't even get out of bed, I was just totally blah. My mind was blank yet full, my heart was heavy yet numb, and I was completely irritable. Bryan was getting ready for work when he noticed my unusual behavior and upon asking me what was going on I just burst into tears and cried for about 10 minutes on his chest. I love this man because without me saying a word he simply said, "Do you need me to take a day off to be here for you?" And I blubbered out a "yes". We just sat there and I cried my heart out to him and everything I was feeling at that moment. He didn't try to fix it, just listened and let me vent. Then we spent the rest of the day just lazing around while I sporadically cried. He just kept reassuring me that he was there for me and that he loved me. I was glad to get past Thursday but Friday was not much better. I was still emotionally volatile and had a really hard time holding my temper with the kids. I had to put myself in a few "times outs" and by the end of the day I was very happy to have Bryan home to help. We ran some errands for Colin's party and it turned out to be pretty stressful but we survived! Later I came across a paper mom gave me about grief being a loop not a straight line that once you get to the end you are done. Different things will bring you back around to a point of grieving again and I think the trip to MO kind of put me back at that point. I told Bryan (through tears) that the trip was just so surreal without you. Mommy did GREAT being on her own but the whole time we kept making comments about how we never had to know our way around before because you drove, you took us to the shops, you found places to eat, etc. It had an empty place in it without you there. We tried to help Stacey with her new apartment and while putting up some organizational shelving my heart hurt because that was something you loved and were so good at. You would have gone in there, saw what was needed, and made it happen! We all stood there trying to figure out the best use of space and how to go about it and it was a bit more than we could handle. We got some stuff done for her but you would have been much more successful in figuring out the best solutions to her lack of storage needs etc. So there it is...my painfully honest heart...admitting I am not doing so well right now. I have my good days (today was one) but when I have bad ones they are pretty bad. My temper is the first thing to go and I end up feeling so guilty for raising my voice at the kids over silly things. Colin spilled my Pepsi and instead of lovingly reprimanding for him knocking it over after I had just told him to be careful I totally bit his head off and he walked away saying, "Mommy you broke my feelings!". Ugh, if that doesn't make you feel bad I don't know what does! I had to go to him and ask for forgiveness which is a very humbling experience! Of course he was quick to forgive me and gave me a hug and a big Colin grin. What a lesson in how our Heavenly Father forgives us when we sin against Him. He doesn't hold it over head, make us wait to be forgiven, or wag his finger at us and tell us how wrong we were. He simply forgives and forgets.

"as far as the east is from the west,
    so far does he remove our transgressions from us."

Paslm 103:12 

  I am starting to fall asleep at my computer so I should get in bed now that Lucy is asleep. I will leave you with LOTS of pics from the last month. As always, you are still very loved and terribly missed!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Mommy and the girls

 Lucy's First trip to the park

 Just like their grandpa...they love playgrounds!

 Mommy redid the backyard...I think you would approve! She did a great job and made it a very fun place to hang out and enjoy each other's company!

Lucy enjoying the lounger

 The kids much preferred the boxes everything came in!

 Bryan putting the table together

 Mommy and Dorothy worked on the smaller stuff

 Curly was a bit freaked out by all the new stuff going on around her

 When while sweating she looks good!

 Weston is growing up!

 Owen playing hide n seek

 Here is his crazy size...climbing on the chair while saying, "whoa! whoa!"

 "It says OH!"

 Dorothy modeling the new outdoor couch

 Mommy getting in some LuLu snuggles!

On the plane...ready to go!

 Lucy's first flight! She pooped through 3 outfits before we even boarded the plane!

 Silver Dollar City. We only got to go for a bit sadly do I don't have many pictures of it...but here is my food!

 Lucy thought it was pretty relaxing

 Mommy and Dorothy by the school house

 Apple Butter shop

 Waiting for the train

 Weston passed the time by eating cotton candy

 Auntie Stacey enjoyed hanging out with her new niece

 Hanging out at the loft

 Lucy visited her Auntie at work

 Weston practicing handstands

 Dorothy and I goofing around

 I love this picture because you can see her buns in the mirror!

 Playing Headbandz

 Lucy napping with grammie

 Weston helped Stacey with Mollie-Shem

 The beautiful gardens

 One hot momma!

 Me and my girl!

 Lucy got to meet Julie

Some Bass Pro Shop fun

 They have live alligators!

 Don't feed the bears!

 Picking it's nose...keeping it classy!

 The bride and groom

 Lucy and I during the reception

 She looked so cute!

 Stacey made a beautiful Maid of Honor

 Weston looked so handsome!

 Mr. and Mrs. W

 When we got back from MO they were waiting for us! Lucy finally got to meet her great grandpa

 And her great grandpa who obviously adored her!

 Mattie and grandpa

 Auntie Tippy helping Owen on the playground

 Grandpa still loves to play with the kids just like when I was little!

 I took Weston and Colin out to Chompies for his birthday breakfast

 Grandma Candee got his the Dark Knight costume...he LOVES it!

 We went to Sauce for his birthday dinner with the family

 Lucy being loved on by her 3 aunties

 The birthday boy!

 Tobin made him a special Superman cupcake

 Curly knows who to sit next to! She got lots of cupcake and frosting!

 His official party

 Can you believe he is 5?!

 The B family is moving to TX! I am sad to see my cousin leave but looking forward to visiting them sometime!

 My little helper with Lucy.

 See? He is just adores her!

 I caught Owen in a mischievous mood and this smile says it all!

Sorry for the picture overload but that's what happens when you get behind on your blogging!