Never Late

Oh dad, so many times over the last year I felt God's hand on my life so firmly it can only be described as Divine. When I should have felt anger I felt contentment, when I should have felt fear I was at peace, when I should have felt bitterness I was overwhelmed with His goodness. It sounds strange to say but I am eternally grateful for these trials because I can confidentially say that my Hope, my Peace, and my Joy is grounded in Jesus Christ. And there is no way to know that until it is put to the fire. It brought James 1:2-5 to a whole new light for me. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I feel like I could stop there, but the reason I wanted to write to you, was to share that God so graciously blessed us with another little one. To be honest I was so incredibly surprised when I saw those two lines. My body was still "off" and I really thought it would be quite a few more months of trying, if we were able to get pregnant at all. I took the test, set it on the back of the toilet and sat there waiting for it to develop with my back turned and heart racing. I picked it up, fully expecting yet another negative and then my heart stopped as I realized that there was a second line screaming of God's faithfulness back at me. I pretty much instantaneously burst into tears and sobbed for a few minutes while a rush of gratitude washed over me. I couldn't even think of a fun way to tell Bryan because I was just too excited so I pulled out his Dad(7) shirt that I bought him last fall and said, "Do you want to wear this to work?" His face beamed with joy and we both thanked the Lord for this new life. I was so apprehensive to get excited because I didn't want to get attached and then heartbroken again. But it's silly to think that you won't get attached because the moment you see those two lines your heart dreams of the future. I immediately got into the dr to start the medication I needed to have a healthy pregnancy. So far everything has gone really well and I have been wonderfully sick and flat on my back tired. We told the kids over a family lunch to Raising Canes and they were all excited but I could tell were nervous about getting their hopes up again. We are almost out of the first trimester and baby is moving and growing more and more every day. Now the great debate is if the kids will get to name the baby or if mommy will win. Their choices are very different than mine and it's 6 against 1. haha 

To close I wanted to share a song that resonates so deeply with me. It's called Yes I will and I love the chorus that says, "In the waiting the same God who's never late is working all things out, is working all things out." This baby is not late. This little life is coming exactly when he/she is supposed to and God worked all of out it according to His perfect plan. We thank Him and praise Him for His goodness to us in allowing us to love this little one for however long he/she is in our care. We love you and miss you dearly and the hole that you left is felt daily, yet filled with God's grace.

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Not Who I Was

This last year since I wrote to you has been one of the hardest of my life, second only to the year we lost you. Shortly after celebrating what would have been your 54th birthday, we found out that we were expecting #7. We were so excited but I couldn't shake that feeling that it just wasn't right. I didn't FEEL pregnant and even more alarming I was not LOOKING pregnant. Then at 9 weeks my u/s showed a much smaller baby, measuring at only 6.5 weeks. They told me that I just wasn't as far as along as I thought I was, but I know my body scary well and I KNEW how far along I should have been. Within days of that u/s the baby passed away but I would not find out for nearly 3 more weeks. We went in for another scan at 12 weeks because I was almost certain at that point that the baby was gone although I had no actual signs that she had passed. As soon as she put the wand on my belly my heart went into my stomach, I could see the baby had not grown and that sweet little flicker of life was gone. I had to keep my tears in until the dr called us on a conference call to tell us that the baby was indeed gone and to expect to miscarry any day but as soon as we walked out the doors of that office the flood gates opened. I remember people just looking at me as Bryan practically carried me to the car. We had to wait another week and a half before my body started the process. It was absolutely horrific but I will spare you the details. We named her Faith Felicity and buried her next to Geoffrey with the kids helping to cover the box with dirt. Sweet little O said the most amazing thing I told the kids that the baby had passed away, he said, "Hey! Grandpa Wayne got to meet her first!" What an incredible thought, you get to enjoy her until we are all reunited! Anyways, I went in to confirm that everything had passed, and much to my dismay I had retained placenta. My dr wanted me to try and get it out on my own and we tried pills and a cycle and it would not budge. So 6 weeks after my miscarriage I had to go in for surgery to remove it before it got infected. The surgery went well and the dr said we could try again after I had one more cycle. We waited until the end of December and then tried again and much to my shock, two little lines popped up! They were so much darker than my last pregnancy and my symptoms were also more intense and indicated that everything was going well. I was cautiously excited but I felt like it was going to be ok so I bought a few little baby things to help my heart. It was a Monday night and Bryan and I had divided and conquered for bed time. I was sitting next to Quin and all the sudden I felt that...sensation. I ran to the bathroom and looked down and felt like throwing up. I went into the living room and told Bryan and we both started crying. We knew we were about to have to walk this road again. The next morning I went to the dr and she did some tests and said everything looked fine and it was probably just normal bleeding. I tried to remain calm but as the day wore on, there was no way in my mind that it was going to have a happy ending. Three days later at 8 weeks, I had our 9th little one and Owen named him Oscar Jack, we buried him with our two other babies. I have had so many raw conversations with the Lord about my heart, my grief, my hope, and my fears. The last 4 months have been ones of deep heart ache, wrestling with the Lord, and so much growth. I feel more confident than ever that the Lord is good, that His plans for me are good, and that He will fulfill His promise to me in His perfect plan. In a lot of ways I am not the same person I was last year before all of this happened. It has made me examine my own heart, contentment, expectations, and where my hope lies. I have felt more peace than ever in holding my plans loosely so that I am not bitter when/if He leads me a different way. Looking back and seeing that God has placed certain people in my life for this very season has been incredibly humbling. We were so loved, supported, and cared for over this last year and they continue to walk this road with us and keep us pointed to Christ. The kids miss their siblings and seeing them grieve these losses has been very difficult. I am amazed at their Faith and their maturity in knowing that God's plan for us is perfect. They have each expressed in one way or another that they would love more siblings but it's ok if He doesn't give us anymore, they are thankful for the ones they do have. And I could not agree more! His plans for us might be different than we thought, but I can say with confidence it will be even BETTER than we thought! My heart is obviously still raw after enduring two losses, but my hope is secure and I am at peace.
Please squeeze my little ones for me!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

6 Years of Growth

I had to take a deep breathe to start this one dad, how can it possibly be 6 years since we last saw you?! Six years ago right now we were watching you slip away before our very eyes. The cancer was taking over and you were getting weary of the fight. We could all see how hard you were still fighting for us, you didn't want to give up, but mom whispered to you (that is my memory of it anyways but it's all a blur) that it was ok to go meet Jesus, and shortly after you were ushered into Heaven. Those last moments are seared into my memory. How can you feel such peace and such agony all at the same time?! But yet those two feelings co-existed. We were at peace with where you were yet we were in agony to have lost you here on Earth. And thus began the 6 year coexistence of peace and agony. We miss you more and more each passing day, but we also know it's one day closer to seeing you again and that brings a little glimmer of hope. You have missed so much in these last 6 years! Stacey got married, she has 2 adorable boys, Tobin got married, I have had 3 more kids, Mattie is expecting her first sweet boy, Dorothy is going to cosmetology school which she totally rocks at, Weston is fantastic at basketball, 3 of us have dogs (betcha didn't see that coming?!), the list goes on. All moments that your absence is painfully felt. One thing stands out to me so much though, grace. Oh how sweet His grace has been to us. In those moments where the pain was overwhelming His grace was lavished on us. We have never felt alone in this grief, not for one moment. Sure, our mind wants to tell us we are alone, but the overwhelming presence of His Spirit tells us otherwise. I am not sure how people go through such great loss without the Prince of Peace.

Today, the 6 year anniversary of your last day here on Earth, we spent time all together as a family. We had pizza, the littles swam (naked. Lincoln may have peed in your pool), and we talked about you. Tomorrow we will do our traditional dessert at your grave to celebrate your Birthday into Glory. We even made sure that the flowers we got for your grave weren't too expensive because we know you wouldn't want us to over spend on something as frivolous as fake flowers...or contact solution. (mom will understand that one)

While Stacey is in town we went to your grave last week and did our picture of Ezekiel being hugged with your shirt. They turned out so sweet and I know you would just enjoy this (not so) little squish! He adores being cuddled and that was your favorite thing to do with the grandkids! Colin has been talking about you often and I can tell he is feeling the grief a little more right now. He came in to find me crying the other day and was so sweet to keep checking on me until I was ok again. He isn't usually very attentive, but for that moment, he understood my pain and made sure I was ok. One of those heart smile moments in spite of the tears.

Well, I will wrap this up and go help with bed time! As always we love and miss you deeply!
From Life's First Cry, to Final Breathe, Jesus Commands My Destiny.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Pictures from the last few weeks while Stacey has been visiting.

Feels Like Surviving

And just like that, Dad, we are on to another year. The Year 2017 came and went like a flash and 2018 was quick on it's heels. It held so much growth for me and for the first time I feel like I am seeing light at the end of this unpredictable tunnel of grief. One thing I am learning is that you don't really ever get off the "train" of grief. Once you are forced on, you just have to keep going through the dark and treacherous terrain until you finally get to the beautiful and calm scenery and it doesn't seem as scary as it did in the beginning. Every once in a while you go through a tunnel again and you can feel your chest tighten up, your heartbeat quickens, and that lump in your throat returns but those tunnels are shorter and you learn how to surrender in the darkness. I am finally coming to that point where I can look back and instead of seeing pain and loss I can see His goodness and faithfulness to me. My quote for this year is, "She didn't look back except to see how far she had come." It speaks so deeply to my heart because in those moments where I do feel like I am no better off than I was a year ago, I look back and realize how far I have come and it encourages my soul to keep pressing on. It's easy for me to feel discouraged and like I am failing so I fight those feelings constantly and have to stay in the Word and prayer or I will slip back into the depression that engulfed my heart after I lost you. I realized last year that if I (emphasis on I) didn't make a daily effort to keep my eyes focused on Him I would fall back into the anxiety and depression that I worked so hard to get out of. I think all  those years before, I kept waiting for God to just magically heal my heart and then it would be sunshine and rainbows again, but I realized after 3 years of no sunshine or rainbows that if I allowed myself to stay in that dark place, no amount of Him pulling me up was going to help. I had to offer Him my hand and put my feet on the steps He was laying before me. He can only do so much if you are determined to stay miserable. So I got out of that place of misery and I never want to go back! I have so much more on my heart but I also have head congestion so words are really tough at the moment. ha
So let's move on to life updates so I can go lay down! Colin is 9 and growing like crazy. His feet are as big as mine are, he is rapidly approaching my height, and he is in 4th grade. He loves all things technology and I often find him and Bryan putting computer stuff together, playing a strategy game, or talking Minecraft. He doesn't really love to help me, but he is so great none the less at being my right hand guy and looking out for his siblings. Cecily is 7 and as sweet as can be. She adores helping me and is quite an attentive second mommy to the little ones. She loves fashion and is always trying to come up with outfits with all the accessories to match. Her dream is to become a pet fashion designer and she hasn't wavered on that since she was a toddler. She is in 3rd grade and loves to read, how opposite of her mother! Most nights it is 10-11pm before I can pry the book out of her hand and get her to go to sleep. Owen is going to be 6 in two weeks and is just as tender and carefree as always. He loves animals and urban legends like the chupacabra and bigfoot. He is getting really good at legos with Colin and plays Minecraft with minimal destruction of his siblings things. His laugh is infectious and Bryan and I often just watch him play and giggle to each other about the funny things he says. You would just adore him, dad! He likes to play jokes on people and his favorite prank is his "fart bag" aka whoopie cushion. He is in 1st grade but school work isn't really his jam and he prefers learning via the great outdoors which I love about him! Lucy is 4 and a little sassy pants. She is incredibly bossy but at the same time very nurturing towards any one who needs a little love. She loves her legos as well and is very particular about who gets close to them. If she loses a pieces, SHE KNOWS. Her clothing of choice is nothing and even when it is 40 degrees outside you will find her in just her underwear curled up under a blanket or jumping on the trampoline until she becomes a popsicle. We are doing pre-K together and like Cecily she loves school and just eats up everything I do with her! It is never enough and when I tell her we are finished she usually cries. SOO opposite her brothers! Lincoln (or Stinkin Lincoln as he is called around here) is 2.5 and so incredibly cute and mischievous it makes my heart both hurt and smile at the same time! He is super independent and his common phrase is "I can do it me self". It leads to a lot of messes, things breaking, and gray hairs for me but I am trying to encourage him instead of always telling him to let me do it. That. Is. Hard. My biggest challenge as a parent has been letting the kids do things alongside me because I can "do it better/faster" but he has put that to the test and I am learning to "Let it go!" and let him do it. Quincy is 8 months and she is opinionated and rough. Holding her is not an easy task and if she isn't sleeping she is moving. Sleep is not really her jam and being away from mommy is torture. But oh that sweet smile makes it all worth it! We all adore getting to know her and I can't wait to see who she is as she grows.
That leaves me with Bryan and there isn't really much change there. He still works at Revolution parts, plays computer games, helps me out so much I feel like I am not really needed in this marriage, and pours cold water on me when I am in the shower. He misses you too and often brings up funny memories of you.
Well I have spent an hour trying to get my thoughts out and it's not really coming so I am going to make lunch for the little boy who is "super duper hungry!" and crawling all over my lap. I love you so very much and every year that passes reminds me that it's one year closer until I see you again! The last 5.5 years were just me Surviving, but 2018 I am determined to live life Thriving!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Here are some pics of the last month-Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Years.

Recovering

It's been in incredibly long time since I sat down and wrote to you. Though it seems like you haven't been on my mind much these days, the opposite is true. The more memories you miss, events you aren't there for, and grandkids you never get to meet, the more I think about you and the hole that you left. Tomorrow at 12:15am 5 years ago is the last time you took a breathe here on this earth. I remember so clearly being told to look at the clock to confirm time of death, and it hit me with Quincy (the grandkid I never wrote about, 6th kid problems I guess! haha) that they give the time for birth as well as death. Which so perfectly echos the verse from the song we played at your funeral, In Christ Alone, that says, "From life's first cry, to final breathe, Jesus commands my destiny". I love, love, love that song and sing it pretty much daily! So much has happened and changed in the last 5 years it's hard to believe how different life is from when you were here. Tobin is engaged, I have had 3 children you never got to meet, Stacey is married and has a perfectly adorable little guy, Dorothy is driving now and starting beauty school in the fall, Weston is going to school this year so he can get basketball scholarships and live out his dream, Mom is married again, Bryan has changed jobs, we are however, still in this same house! Oh dad, don't even get me started on that one. God is teaching me major patience, contentment, and peace with this whole house hunting ordeal....3.5 years and counting....I must REALLY not be learning this lesson well! haha

   This morning as I reflected back on the last 5 years one thing really stuck out to me, how I am a completely different person that I used to be pre-losing you. Before your death, I felt almost impervious to "bad things". And the bad things that did happen didn't really knock me off my feet, like losing you would. Then I realized quickly that life changed in an instant. Doesn't matter who you are, what your lifestyle is, and how well you think you have a handle on life. God's plans are rarely our own. I became depressed, anxious, and felt very defeated for a few years. Nothing seemed worth it, why should I try when it didn't matter? I lived in a cloud of fear and uncertainty of when the next bad thing would happen. Thanks to a very patient yet honest hubby, he suggested I get help so that I could actually function normally again. Year 3.5 and I finally listened to him and got counseling. It was the best thing I could have done! Just getting it all off my chest and finding coping mechanisms was a life changer for me. I didn't like the person I had become, easy to anger, quick to tears/tantrums, anti-social (hard to believe I know!), pessimistic, and just overall not nice to be around for my family. I finally hit the point where I knew if I didn't start to change NOW I was only going to become more and more bitter, angry, and depressed. I realized at that point that it's easier to just stay depressed than it is to start pulling yourself out of the mud and and darkness. So everyday I had to make the choice to take one step towards healing. Most days I could only take 1 step and let me tell you dad, it was HARD somedays! It took every fiber of my being to choose not to react with anger, tears, or depression. What was so amazing along the way was seeing the kids react to my change, and to see the people God placed in my life during that time. He has given me some amazing friends who without knowing it have been His instruments in encouraging me, holding me accountable, and loving me when I didn't even love myself. I know I am still in a stage of healing, but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is an incredible feeling! I will always miss you more and more as time goes by, but that ache doesn't have to be debilitating. And for that, I am so very grateful! Coming to the point where I can say I miss you, but it doesn't send me into a crazy, out of control, hormonal mess, is a pretty dang good feeling! hehe

  Well onto some lighter stuff, Quincy Grace made her entrance into our family and into our hearts on April 13th. She shares a birthday with Lincoln which I love because they are already buds! Her pregnancy and labor was my hardest emotionally speaking ( I said that after Lincoln's but this beat that! haha) because all my plans got thrown out the window. Nothing makes you rely heavily on Jesus quite like your plans going awry! Even though it was not what I wanted, I am thankful that God gave me an opportunity to learn to trust him and show me how much He cares for me. Quincy is a wonderful little addition to the family and we can't imagine life without her. Every one of the kids adores her and she gets fought over often. The words, "Get off your sister!" are said on a minutely basis around here. She has your crazy hair (though not orange like yours) and she seems to be social already as she likes to make eye contact and gets frustrated when she can't see your face. She is happiest when she is being talked to, and does NOT like being away from us. If it gets quiet, she cries! haha I know you would just adore her like you did your little Cessy, and we miss having you there to walk her around singing to her at restaurants like you used to do so well!
  Well, I have been working on this for hours now going back and forth between little ones with needs and running errands. So I guess I will wrap this up. I don't know if you celebrate your Heavenly Birthday up there, but we are going to celebrate down here with cupcakes at your grave and a big family dinner tomorrow! We love and miss you more than words can say!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Some picture of Little Q as she is referred to in our house.