Feels Like Surviving

And just like that, Dad, we are on to another year. The Year 2017 came and went like a flash and 2018 was quick on it's heels. It held so much growth for me and for the first time I feel like I am seeing light at the end of this unpredictable tunnel of grief. One thing I am learning is that you don't really ever get off the "train" of grief. Once you are forced on, you just have to keep going through the dark and treacherous terrain until you finally get to the beautiful and calm scenery and it doesn't seem as scary as it did in the beginning. Every once in a while you go through a tunnel again and you can feel your chest tighten up, your heartbeat quickens, and that lump in your throat returns but those tunnels are shorter and you learn how to surrender in the darkness. I am finally coming to that point where I can look back and instead of seeing pain and loss I can see His goodness and faithfulness to me. My quote for this year is, "She didn't look back except to see how far she had come." It speaks so deeply to my heart because in those moments where I do feel like I am no better off than I was a year ago, I look back and realize how far I have come and it encourages my soul to keep pressing on. It's easy for me to feel discouraged and like I am failing so I fight those feelings constantly and have to stay in the Word and prayer or I will slip back into the depression that engulfed my heart after I lost you. I realized last year that if I (emphasis on I) didn't make a daily effort to keep my eyes focused on Him I would fall back into the anxiety and depression that I worked so hard to get out of. I think all  those years before, I kept waiting for God to just magically heal my heart and then it would be sunshine and rainbows again, but I realized after 3 years of no sunshine or rainbows that if I allowed myself to stay in that dark place, no amount of Him pulling me up was going to help. I had to offer Him my hand and put my feet on the steps He was laying before me. He can only do so much if you are determined to stay miserable. So I got out of that place of misery and I never want to go back! I have so much more on my heart but I also have head congestion so words are really tough at the moment. ha
So let's move on to life updates so I can go lay down! Colin is 9 and growing like crazy. His feet are as big as mine are, he is rapidly approaching my height, and he is in 4th grade. He loves all things technology and I often find him and Bryan putting computer stuff together, playing a strategy game, or talking Minecraft. He doesn't really love to help me, but he is so great none the less at being my right hand guy and looking out for his siblings. Cecily is 7 and as sweet as can be. She adores helping me and is quite an attentive second mommy to the little ones. She loves fashion and is always trying to come up with outfits with all the accessories to match. Her dream is to become a pet fashion designer and she hasn't wavered on that since she was a toddler. She is in 3rd grade and loves to read, how opposite of her mother! Most nights it is 10-11pm before I can pry the book out of her hand and get her to go to sleep. Owen is going to be 6 in two weeks and is just as tender and carefree as always. He loves animals and urban legends like the chupacabra and bigfoot. He is getting really good at legos with Colin and plays Minecraft with minimal destruction of his siblings things. His laugh is infectious and Bryan and I often just watch him play and giggle to each other about the funny things he says. You would just adore him, dad! He likes to play jokes on people and his favorite prank is his "fart bag" aka whoopie cushion. He is in 1st grade but school work isn't really his jam and he prefers learning via the great outdoors which I love about him! Lucy is 4 and a little sassy pants. She is incredibly bossy but at the same time very nurturing towards any one who needs a little love. She loves her legos as well and is very particular about who gets close to them. If she loses a pieces, SHE KNOWS. Her clothing of choice is nothing and even when it is 40 degrees outside you will find her in just her underwear curled up under a blanket or jumping on the trampoline until she becomes a popsicle. We are doing pre-K together and like Cecily she loves school and just eats up everything I do with her! It is never enough and when I tell her we are finished she usually cries. SOO opposite her brothers! Lincoln (or Stinkin Lincoln as he is called around here) is 2.5 and so incredibly cute and mischievous it makes my heart both hurt and smile at the same time! He is super independent and his common phrase is "I can do it me self". It leads to a lot of messes, things breaking, and gray hairs for me but I am trying to encourage him instead of always telling him to let me do it. That. Is. Hard. My biggest challenge as a parent has been letting the kids do things alongside me because I can "do it better/faster" but he has put that to the test and I am learning to "Let it go!" and let him do it. Quincy is 8 months and she is opinionated and rough. Holding her is not an easy task and if she isn't sleeping she is moving. Sleep is not really her jam and being away from mommy is torture. But oh that sweet smile makes it all worth it! We all adore getting to know her and I can't wait to see who she is as she grows.
That leaves me with Bryan and there isn't really much change there. He still works at Revolution parts, plays computer games, helps me out so much I feel like I am not really needed in this marriage, and pours cold water on me when I am in the shower. He misses you too and often brings up funny memories of you.
Well I have spent an hour trying to get my thoughts out and it's not really coming so I am going to make lunch for the little boy who is "super duper hungry!" and crawling all over my lap. I love you so very much and every year that passes reminds me that it's one year closer until I see you again! The last 5.5 years were just me Surviving, but 2018 I am determined to live life Thriving!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Here are some pics of the last month-Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Years.