Things I want to tell my dad...: Catching my breath

The last month has been...insane. I don't necessarily have anything more going on than normal but it's just felt crazy. Life is overwhelming and the amount of stuff I need to get done in one day feels overwhelming. Having 3 very active kids while pregnant is pretty much exhausting! I feel accomplished if I keep them alive! Which so far so good on that one! hehe Owen has learned to retaliate when provoked and also how to provoke so fights are a minutely occurrence. Before my butt can even hit the couch I am back on my feet to break up some sort of altercation. And did I mention they eat....alllllll day! Last week I was having a really rough day and had been going since the early hours of the morning on very little sleep. I sat down to eat lunch which was the first time I sat since I got up and within .5 seconds all 3 kids wanted seconds on their lunch. I burst into tears because I was so tired, so hungry (I hadn't eaten since the day before and it was now 1pm), and just at the end of my rope. The kids all gathered around me and were so sweet and comforting and before I knew it, Colin was in the fridge making the 3 of them bean and cheese burritos. Sure he made a mess, but it was so mature of him to realize that I could not in that moment do what was being asked, so he took the initiative and and made them himself. He even made Cecily's on the corn tortillas instead of flour! He is becoming such a big help...and I am hoping it makes life after Lucy a little easier.
Sunday was your princess Cecily's 3rd birthday. I totally regret not doing anything for her birthday last year because it was the last year you had to celebrate with her, but we didn't know until a month later what was coming. So I decided I needed to do something special for her, mostly for my sake! We did a tea party because that is what she is all about at the moment. She (daily) brings me the tea set grandma Candee got her and asks, "You want a tea party mom?" and serves me some tea. All the while wearing her princess dress, dress up heels, necklaces, and some sort of crown. I just adore seeing her personality come out. She is feisty yet so tenderhearted and when Owen is crying she (normally) comes up and gives him a kiss on the head and says, "It's ok Owie! I here!" She also loves to lift up my shirt to "wake up" Lucy and to tell her to come out and play. I think she may be better with Lucy than she was with Owen. Owen is lucky to be alive! hehe Now, Owen may turn those same outbursts towards Lucy because he is NOT going to like sharing me or daddy. He is such a mommy's boy that most of my day is spent holding him, telling him I can't hold him while he pulls at my legs, or sitting on the floor while he crawls all over me. He can't seem to get close enough to me...night or day! It's very draining but I am doing my best to enjoy it because I know he needs the attention and the snuggles make me slow down too. Rabbit trail! Back to Cecily's party! She had 5 of her friends there and they all had such a nice time! We had tea, tea foods, opened gifts (she got mostly princess stuff which she has carried around since the party!), and had cupcakes. It was fun throwing a little girl party since I hadn't really done a party for her yet!
Saturday we went to Rainforest cafe and met up with some friends for lunch. The kids got to sit right next to a big fish tank and Owen was hyperventilating with excitement! Colin did much better than last time when he hid under the table the whole time, but still sat there pretty freaked out during the "rain storms" gorilla's chanting, and the elephant "bathing". He kept asking when we were going to be done! Cecily cried on the way in and Bryan had to carry her, but once she got used to it, she thought it was awesome! I have a feeling next time we go Owen will be the one who cries and Lucy will think it's pretty awesome!
I have lots of pics for you...I have meant to update every day for weeks now but haven't been able to make it happen. Let me tell you though, not a minute goes by where I don't think about you. I honestly feel like I have thought about you MORE lately than I have in prior months. So many things have brought me to tears- mom selling the Kiowa house (which you will be happy to know went to a very nice family who were buying their first home. AND it sold within 24 hours of going on the market!), seeing my friends post pictures of them with their daddys, Colin crying for you, two little girls passing away much too soon, daily remembering that you won't be here to meet Lucy or feel her kick in my belly (even though you hated it because you said it was freaky! hehe), seeing my siblings grow up without their daddy here, seeing mom struggle to keep up with everything that she has to do on her own, the list goes on. Overwhelmed does not really do it justice! It amazes me how 1 person being taken from our family has made such a huge impact! I mean, it's not like I didn't know it would, but it is still a hard pill to swallow most days. We had a party and I needed ice, who did I always call to pick it up on the way? You! We needed tables and chairs. Who did I call to bring some from the office? You! Silly little things that just make my heart bled all over again because it's a real reminder that you are gone....forever (til Heaven).
The song I am listening to while typing this is something I have to daily remind myself and ask God to give me His strength, because most days I just honestly don't feel like going on.
Please Be My Strength
I’ve tried to stand my ground
I’ve tried to understand
but I can’t seem to find my faith again
like water on the sand
or grasping at the wind
I keep on falling short
please be my strength
please be my strength
Cuz I don’t have anymore
I don’t have anymore
I’m looking for a place
that I can plant my faith
one thing I know for sure
I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It’s Your love that’s keeping (captured) me
Please be my strength…
at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I’ve fought the good fight of faith
I pray your glory shines
through this doubting heart of mine
so my world would know that You
You are my strength
You and You alone
You and You alone
Keep bringing me back home

So there it is in a very condensed version...just when you think you are almost "healed" the wound starts seeping and emotions become raw again. Grief is such a strange thing!
I love you daddy and I miss you more than every before!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

As promised all our pics...I am picking a few to highlight because I have like a hundred!
I took these of the kiddos sleeping....my nightly reminder that even though the days are hard...my love for them is beyond words!

These are from the splash pad at the mall. Owen had a BLAST whereas Cecily didn't let a drop of water touch her delicate skin. ;-)

These are from Easter...we didn't celebrate Passover this year because none of us could handle it emotionally.

These are from some play time outside in the gorgeous weather! I tried taking a picture of all 3...yea it didn't go so well...but we like to keep it real!

This is my view...allllll day!

Took the kids to the zoo to enjoy the last bit of nice weather before it hits 110. They had a blast!

So many memories on this playground....Mattie and I would sing made up worship songs LOUDLY while you did the back yard on the weekends. Oh how I wish we could go back in time!