Reflections

For some reason anniversary's, good or bad, tend to bring a lot of reflecting on the past year and the events leading up to that day. Your 1 year Heavenly Birthday is quickly approaching and all I can think about is the hell we all went through this time last year. God had prompted Bryan and I to fly Stacey out in April even though you were doing just fine, but by the time she got here, you were starting to decline. You were still able to enjoy her visit a little but your energy was pretty low. Little did we know she would be back a few weeks later after the horrible news we were given on May 10th. That phone call still sends my heart into my stomach. I knew you had your scan that morning and when I got an early call from you I knew before answering my phone that something wasn't right. Your voice told me what I already feared, the cancer had spread, and there was nothing more they could do. Your words to me were so true of your faith in Jesus, you said, "I am done using man's methods and I am now trusting God to heal me or take me home." I got off the phone and broke into tears so loudly Bryan came running in. He also knew with no words what was going on and just put his arms around me and held my shaking body. Hearing your dad say he is dying is the most surreal thing I have ever experienced. Six years ago I was getting ready to marry Bryan, life was great, you were healthy (well seemingly, the cancer had already started growing according to the drs), and in my mind you would be around to see all your grandkids grow up and maybe even some of your great grandkids! I had the "young dad" my whole life and in my perfect little world, you would always be there and I wouldn't have to watch you die until you were good and old. Oh how those dreams have been shattered! Instead I am comforting a 4 year old boy who misses his grandpa more than his own words can convey and writing to my dad in a blog instead of being able to call you. Not how I imagined life at 26 years old but I can't for one moment doubt that God's plan for all of this isn't good because I know my God, and He IS good and His plans are for good.
  We are getting ready for the ballet recital which is another amazingly difficult thing right now. You got to watch last year's recital on a DVD because you were too sick to come, and that was the last time you saw your girls dance. Your face always lit up when you watched us dance, even if it was just messing around in the living room. You took such pride in your ballerina's and were always bragging to everyone about our accomplishments and skill. Our #1 fan no doubt! I remember sitting in the front row of the recital and as Mattie and Tobin did Beautiful Things, tears just started streaming down my face. Just the day before I had been sitting next to you, watching you struggle to even move, and you had that song playing on your phone. With tears streaming down your own face you were quietly singing along and Stacey said to me, "I think he knows his time to be with Jesus is coming soon." None of us wanted to believe it, and we held out faith until (and even past) the very end that Jesus could heal you. But your healing was a more complete one...an eternal one. I still to this day ask God why it couldn't have been an earthly one so we could have had more time with you. But I know when we all join you in Heaven, we will have an eternity together and being separated will never happen again! I look forward to that with eager anticipation!!!
  So there is my reflecting for tonight. So many memories come flooding back...yet others I have a hard time remembering. I guess the most painful ones tend to stick the best. I am so thankful for the healing, grace, comfort, and peace of my Jesus because I honestly can say I would not be where I am in the grieving process if it wasn't for Him.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
We had a little fun outside today in the 100 degree weather. The kids need a real slide...but sadly you aren't here for me to call and order one. hehe