Things I want to tell my dad...: August 2013

Monday, August 19, 2013

Mid-year Crisis

You actually get two letters in two days for once in over a year!! It's pretty amazing! This is something that has been on my heart for a while but I just hadn't had time to put into words. While discussing with Bryan why summer was so difficult for me this year, Bryan made a point that I had not really connected. To summarize, "Summers will be hard for a very long time because they hold the beginning and end to 3 important life events: your dad's birthday, wedding anniversary, and death." We start the summer by mourning your loss here on Earth, then comes your anniversary with mom which is no more, and lastly have to endure celebrating your earthly birthday without you here. Can you say depressing?!?! Summer should be a fun time of family vacations, swim parties, and having time off from the craziness of life...yet vacations have an empty spot, swim parties are a little less fun, and taking time off just doesn't seem appealing because it means actually thinking about the events of this last year. I know eventually we can return to some of our former summer fun and follies but this summer just wasn't "summery". So with that...I happily say good bye to Summer and hello to Fall! We started school today, ballet started, and the weather is...well it's AZ so it's still really hot! But in theory summer is over and we can move on to a new season and ask God to yet again give us the grace to walk through another Holiday Season without you here!
I love you and I miss you much!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

From Life's First Cry

To Final Breathe

And to end on a lighter note...the kids first day of school picture! Hello Fall!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Healing

Wow time has gone by so fast! My baby girl is almost 4 weeks old and I feel like I am about 90 years old. My recovery this time around has not been so easy...and I wasn't really anticipating that. I always have the broken tailbone issues but usually by week 2 I am back on my feet...this time it has taken almost 4 weeks and I am just finally able to be up and around without getting dizzy, feeling completely exhausted, and blacking out. I lost a little too much blood after her birth which is usual for me but my body just had a harder time making it back up than it has in the past. I guess I am getting old! hehe So now I have 4 weeks worth of house cleaning to make up on and boy is it ever overwhelming! I promised Bryan I would do things slowly so I am only doing a few things everyday even though my norm is cleaning the whole house in one day and practically killing myself in the process! I have done about 14 loads of laundry in the last 24 hours and I am still going! I guesstimate I have 7-8 left. My family will be very happy to have clean clothes again! I have probably 4 loads of dishes to wash...bathrooms to clean, floors to clean, etc. I did deep clean the kids room yesterday which involved taking curtains down, wiping walls, etc. That felt really good to get done because when I say their room was bad...it's an understatement!!! You couldn't even walk in it because they had stuff ALLLL over the floors. Mommy walked in and all she could say was, "wow!" which were my thoughts exactly. So I am finally getting my energy back and it feels really good to be able to resume my usual activities. I am starting school with the two older ones tomorrow which will be fun. I am hoping to fit it in while the youngest two nap...so let's just pray their nap schedules overlap! Lucy is totally unpredictable right now so she may or may not cooperate. The nice thing about homeschooling is I can do it when Bryan gets home if I need to. Speaking of Bryan...I have to brag about him because he has been amazing! No offense to you, but when it came to mom having babies...you sucked. (and I mean that in the best possible way!) Looking back I remember thinking "I don't know why mom keeps freaking out that dad is at work and she JUST got home from the hospital...how hard can it be AFTER you have the baby?!" HA! How wrong I was! She always bled really bad after like me...so I really don't know how she managed! You were pretty darn clueless as to how hard postpartum is especially when you are feeling the affects of a hemorrhage. I will never forget hearing you apologize to her when you started chemo and felt like crap. (that's an understatement!) Your eyes were opened to what constant nausea, fatigue, heartburn, roids, the list goes on and for once you actually got why mom "complained" about you not being home to help. I know if you could do things over you would be more helpful but hey...what can ya do now, huh?! I have learned to really cherish Bryan and his totally selfless attitude during my pregnancies and recoveries. He gives and gives and gives and doesn't complain one bit. He has done EVERYTHING around here and when I try to help he tells me to get back in bed and heal. I thank God for Him constantly...he really is my knight in shining armor!
Well life around here has been pretty low key lately because of the above mentioned issues. We have spent most our time at home besides dr appts and the occasional visit to mom's house or the Spears. The kids are going pretty stir crazy but I am proud of how well they have done overall. They went from having mommy around all day every day to not really seeing much of me unless they come visit me in my room. And since Lucy is up all night I sleep most of the day so they get kicked out frequently while we sleep. The other day I actually got up and ate breakfast with them and they were all SOOO excited that mommy was eating with them. It was kind of sad for me because I know they miss me and need me but I also know that I do need to heal and that means resting...a LOT. One of the nights that they were really having a rough time Bryan had the ingenious idea to give them each a flashlight, go outside, and make shadow puppets. I wish I had video taped it...it was HILARIOUS! They loved it and were having giggle fits the whole time. I told Bryan it's amazing how something as simple as a flashlight is so awe-inspiring to kids. It brought back the memory of us turning all the lights off, sticking those pen flashlights up our noses, and singing This Little Light of Mine while laughing hysterically. You of course were the one to show us how fun it is to stick a flashlight up our nose. I may have to find some of those skinny ones so I can pass on the family tradition to my kids! hehe I think mommy has pictures somewhere but sadly I don't have any! Luckily the memory lives on in my head!
I only have a little bit of time left to finish this up...i've already had to nurse both Lucy and Owen, put Owen back in bed twice, and rock Lucy to sleep after Owen woke her up. Emotionally I am doing better than I had anticipated. I imagine I may have some rough patches here in the next few months but overall God has been really good to me. I honestly think that my experience with Cecily has really helped me cope, and dare I say thrive, with having a high maintenance newborn. Cecily was so fussy and I remember getting so upset with her because she just wouldn't stop crying and nothing I did helped. I sadly didn't really bond well with her until she was older because my frustration with not getting any sleep and having to tend to a fussy baby 24/7 really clouded the sweet treasure God had given me. I regret having such a bad attitude towards her and wish I could take that back...but what's done is done. Lucy would probably drive most mom's nuts...but I honestly find complete joy in her. She may only sleep if she is on my chest, she is up all night wide awake and usually wants to be walked around or cries, she poops constantly which let me tell you is kind of annoying (ok so I don't find a ton of joy in changing mustard poop all day and night haha), she doesn't really like Bryan and cries when he holds her so I have to hold her all the time, and in general she is just high maintenance. BUT I can't even complain because she is here, she is alive, she is healthy, she is growing, God gave her to me to care for, and she will only be little like this for a VERY short time. Colin will be 5 in three weeks and I am blown away at how fast time has gone by. If I let satan take my joy and rob me of my precious time with this little Lucy Rebecca it is no one's fault but my own. It is so easy to start to let those feeling of frustration creep in when I watch the clock tick by and realize I am not going to get much sleep and still have to care for 3 other little ones the next day, but then I look down at the amazingly precious gift God has given me and all those negative feelings melt away. I am her mom and she needs me...what a wonderful picture of me and my Maker. When I am "fussing" and high maintenance He never rejects me or gets frustrated. He picks me up, holds me, comforts me, loves me, and reassures me with His Word that He will never leave me or forsake me. I am Lucy's example of that kind of Love and I don't want to blow it with her like I did with Cecily.
Now that I am crying while I hold a warm dark haired bundle in my arms I will end this post by saying, I love you ever so much and I appreciate the example you left for me of my Father's love. I know how deep His love for me is because YOU loved me like He does. I miss you and not a moment goes by where you don't enter my mind.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

This is how we found Owen the other night...no pjs and almost completely under the bed!

In general he doesn't really like Lucy but he had a rare moment of lovingly helping daddy give her a bath!

This is his latest camera face

My sweet bathing beauty

All clean!

Our cupcake

4 amazing gifts...they have grown huh?!

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Sad Introductions

We finally took Lucy to "meet" you yesterday for your birthday. As our usual tradition we all met up for Barros Pizza then went to your grave to eat cupcakes and whoopie pies. We joked that you are laughing it up in Heaven that both your Heavenly and Earthly birthdays are in the middle of the summer so we have to sweat our rears off to go "see" you. It was difficult to do, but I really wanted to take pictures of her on your shirt with your fingerprint necklace since that is the closest she will ever get to touching you. So I brought them down there and Bryan took some sweet pictures of you meeting Lucy. Mommy and I kept saying how it just wasn't right for her to have to meet you like that...her young grandpa taken too soon. I can only hope that as she grows up I am able to pass down your wonderful (and not so wonderful) wisdom, how much you love her, and most importantly how much you love Jesus and served Him with the best of your ability.
We love you and miss you...hope Jesus let you sneak a peek of Lucy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Friday, August 2, 2013

Never Made it Over the Hill

Today would have been your 49th birthday. Fourty-nine years...you never got the chance to live to a ripe old age....to have an Over the Hill party, get gray hair, retire (though i'm not sure that ever would have happened), wear mens depends, make us change your diapers, etc. When I was little you always teased us that we would have to do all those nasty "old people things" when you got old and at the time I was horrified...now I would give anything to have you long enough to do those nasty things! Sure at the very end you needed LOTS of care, but that doesn't count because we weren't doing them for our old daddy, we were doing them for our young dad whose body had turned on him and was shutting it down. It just doesn't have the same feel. Now I find myself praying and begging God to let us have mommy long enough to take care of her in her old age. And if we get that opportunity I will never take that for granted because it means she lived to a ripe old age and we had her with us for many many years, grandkids, great grandkids, graduations, birthdays, holidays, and memories. It sure does make me cherish every moment we have with family and friends because we never know when that will be our last.

"yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14

I need to get to bed because Lucy is sleeping...and when she sleeps I sleep since she has her nights and days mixed up big time! One thing I have learned though after becoming horribly frustrated/angry with Cecily, is that this is such a short time and she won't be this little very long. So starting with Owen I have purposed to just enjoy the time I have with them in the middle of the night and the exhaustion I feel will soon also be just a thing of the past. Our middle of the night parties have lots of snuggles, old tv shows (ironically I hadn't seen an episode of I Love Lucy in yeeeears and it came on at 3am!), ice cream bars (hey I have to keep my sanity somehow!), and staring into each others eyes. I wouldn't trade it for anything! She is such a sweet relief to my heart and just what the "dr ordered"! The kids adore her (jury is still out on Owen's feelings) and of course Bryan is smitten with her too! We love you and wish you could meet her here on earth. Tomorrow you will "meet" her when we take her to your grave...I have a special picture I want to take of her there. Happy Birthday daddy!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Some pics of the last week...we are enjoying our little girl!

She can't get enough of her little 'Wucy'

Your toes ended up on Lucy...they are one of my favorite things about her!

Going to your house for the first time...she was clearly very excited!

The ever popular Bryan holding the baby while playing games shot....it's become a regular occurrence!

She wanted her to watch Bob the Builder with her

These are from my 26th Birthday...I forgot to post them earlier. We went to Kona (where we celebrated your last birthday here on Earth) and then to mommy's where Hannah C had made me an AMAZING cake! It was a much better birthday than last year!