Things I want to tell my dad...: Healing

Wow time has gone by so fast! My baby girl is almost 4 weeks old and I feel like I am about 90 years old. My recovery this time around has not been so easy...and I wasn't really anticipating that. I always have the broken tailbone issues but usually by week 2 I am back on my feet...this time it has taken almost 4 weeks and I am just finally able to be up and around without getting dizzy, feeling completely exhausted, and blacking out. I lost a little too much blood after her birth which is usual for me but my body just had a harder time making it back up than it has in the past. I guess I am getting old! hehe So now I have 4 weeks worth of house cleaning to make up on and boy is it ever overwhelming! I promised Bryan I would do things slowly so I am only doing a few things everyday even though my norm is cleaning the whole house in one day and practically killing myself in the process! I have done about 14 loads of laundry in the last 24 hours and I am still going! I guesstimate I have 7-8 left. My family will be very happy to have clean clothes again! I have probably 4 loads of dishes to wash...bathrooms to clean, floors to clean, etc. I did deep clean the kids room yesterday which involved taking curtains down, wiping walls, etc. That felt really good to get done because when I say their room was bad...it's an understatement!!! You couldn't even walk in it because they had stuff ALLLL over the floors. Mommy walked in and all she could say was, "wow!" which were my thoughts exactly. So I am finally getting my energy back and it feels really good to be able to resume my usual activities. I am starting school with the two older ones tomorrow which will be fun. I am hoping to fit it in while the youngest two nap...so let's just pray their nap schedules overlap! Lucy is totally unpredictable right now so she may or may not cooperate. The nice thing about homeschooling is I can do it when Bryan gets home if I need to. Speaking of Bryan...I have to brag about him because he has been amazing! No offense to you, but when it came to mom having babies...you sucked. (and I mean that in the best possible way!) Looking back I remember thinking "I don't know why mom keeps freaking out that dad is at work and she JUST got home from the hospital...how hard can it be AFTER you have the baby?!" HA! How wrong I was! She always bled really bad after like me...so I really don't know how she managed! You were pretty darn clueless as to how hard postpartum is especially when you are feeling the affects of a hemorrhage. I will never forget hearing you apologize to her when you started chemo and felt like crap. (that's an understatement!) Your eyes were opened to what constant nausea, fatigue, heartburn, roids, the list goes on and for once you actually got why mom "complained" about you not being home to help. I know if you could do things over you would be more helpful but hey...what can ya do now, huh?! I have learned to really cherish Bryan and his totally selfless attitude during my pregnancies and recoveries. He gives and gives and gives and doesn't complain one bit. He has done EVERYTHING around here and when I try to help he tells me to get back in bed and heal. I thank God for Him constantly...he really is my knight in shining armor!
Well life around here has been pretty low key lately because of the above mentioned issues. We have spent most our time at home besides dr appts and the occasional visit to mom's house or the Spears. The kids are going pretty stir crazy but I am proud of how well they have done overall. They went from having mommy around all day every day to not really seeing much of me unless they come visit me in my room. And since Lucy is up all night I sleep most of the day so they get kicked out frequently while we sleep. The other day I actually got up and ate breakfast with them and they were all SOOO excited that mommy was eating with them. It was kind of sad for me because I know they miss me and need me but I also know that I do need to heal and that means resting...a LOT. One of the nights that they were really having a rough time Bryan had the ingenious idea to give them each a flashlight, go outside, and make shadow puppets. I wish I had video taped it...it was HILARIOUS! They loved it and were having giggle fits the whole time. I told Bryan it's amazing how something as simple as a flashlight is so awe-inspiring to kids. It brought back the memory of us turning all the lights off, sticking those pen flashlights up our noses, and singing This Little Light of Mine while laughing hysterically. You of course were the one to show us how fun it is to stick a flashlight up our nose. I may have to find some of those skinny ones so I can pass on the family tradition to my kids! hehe I think mommy has pictures somewhere but sadly I don't have any! Luckily the memory lives on in my head!
I only have a little bit of time left to finish this up...i've already had to nurse both Lucy and Owen, put Owen back in bed twice, and rock Lucy to sleep after Owen woke her up. Emotionally I am doing better than I had anticipated. I imagine I may have some rough patches here in the next few months but overall God has been really good to me. I honestly think that my experience with Cecily has really helped me cope, and dare I say thrive, with having a high maintenance newborn. Cecily was so fussy and I remember getting so upset with her because she just wouldn't stop crying and nothing I did helped. I sadly didn't really bond well with her until she was older because my frustration with not getting any sleep and having to tend to a fussy baby 24/7 really clouded the sweet treasure God had given me. I regret having such a bad attitude towards her and wish I could take that back...but what's done is done. Lucy would probably drive most mom's nuts...but I honestly find complete joy in her. She may only sleep if she is on my chest, she is up all night wide awake and usually wants to be walked around or cries, she poops constantly which let me tell you is kind of annoying (ok so I don't find a ton of joy in changing mustard poop all day and night haha), she doesn't really like Bryan and cries when he holds her so I have to hold her all the time, and in general she is just high maintenance. BUT I can't even complain because she is here, she is alive, she is healthy, she is growing, God gave her to me to care for, and she will only be little like this for a VERY short time. Colin will be 5 in three weeks and I am blown away at how fast time has gone by. If I let satan take my joy and rob me of my precious time with this little Lucy Rebecca it is no one's fault but my own. It is so easy to start to let those feeling of frustration creep in when I watch the clock tick by and realize I am not going to get much sleep and still have to care for 3 other little ones the next day, but then I look down at the amazingly precious gift God has given me and all those negative feelings melt away. I am her mom and she needs me...what a wonderful picture of me and my Maker. When I am "fussing" and high maintenance He never rejects me or gets frustrated. He picks me up, holds me, comforts me, loves me, and reassures me with His Word that He will never leave me or forsake me. I am Lucy's example of that kind of Love and I don't want to blow it with her like I did with Cecily.
Now that I am crying while I hold a warm dark haired bundle in my arms I will end this post by saying, I love you ever so much and I appreciate the example you left for me of my Father's love. I know how deep His love for me is because YOU loved me like He does. I miss you and not a moment goes by where you don't enter my mind.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

This is how we found Owen the other night...no pjs and almost completely under the bed!