The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Man oh man! Life. I wouldn't trade my life for anything (well except Heaven when the time comes) but it is crazy with a capital C! A glimpse of what something as simple as making lunch and nap time looks like: Imagine-Lucy crying, I pick her up. Go to kitchen get stuff out of the fridge/cabinet. While doing so Owen takes the liberty to get out what he wants which is not what I want him having so that all has to go back. Lucy is still screaming in my arms and Owen is now crying at my legs or pulling out all the dishes from the bin in an attempt to "help" me. All the while I am in a "screaming" match with the older two to pick up their toys before lunch (which is a rule to clean up before meals but somehow they always act like it's news to them when I say it's time to do it!) and to spread the picnic blanket out on the floor. (yes we have picnic lunches everyday! It's much easier to shake off and wash a blanket than to sweep and mop my floor twice a day!) I line up all 3 plates and try to shove food in my mouth while I put food on the plates because I know I won't be sitting for at least another 2 hours to actually have a hot meal myself. The kids finally clean up and spread out the blanket and I put Lucy down so I can get cups filled and get Owen settled down on the blanket. She is still crying and the kids are very upset that she is on the floor with them crying so they are repeatedly yelling at me to come get her because she isn't happy. (ha! Like I can't hear it myself!) I bring food to them, someone usually complains, but eventually realizes it's this or nothing. I pick Lucy up and try to make seconds for the inevitable second round that comes every day from my big eaters. When they finish their plate I get the "cries" for seconds so I put it on their plates and they finish it off. We have them trained to shake off extra food in the trash and to put plates, silverware, and cups on the counter. Even Owen does it...though occasionally it results in a dumpster dive to find plates or silverware that gone thrown out with the food. I tell them to go wash up, go potty, and get in bed for nap time. And that's when all you-know-what erupts! Despite having the same schedule for years they always...and I mean always put up a horrific fight for nap/rest time. I finally get them to bed (still holding a fussy Lucy who by now wants to nurse but I can't sit down just yet) and pace the floor in there until they calm down enough for me to leave. Without fail they will all have to go to the bathroom at least 2 more times in the next hour which I can't decide if it's an urgent need or more of a way to get out of bed...I am leaning towards the latter but I'd rather be safe than sorry and have to change two bunk beds! About 3 hours of fighting them to stay in bed and it's time for them to get up. I don't know if you are tired from "hearing" that but I am tired just from typing it! Friday was a doozy and involved Lucy spitting up in the crock pot while I tried to get dinner going and Owen wiping walls with toilet water and my face towel. The life of a mother is never boring!
  The Bad-So with all of that, and a week long migraine you can probably understand why my house got completely neglected! The kids ran out of pjs, cups, plates, bowls, underwear...you know staple items so I had to just suck it up on Friday and git er done. Took hours and lots of breaks to tend to the kiddos but I finally managed to make some progress on our little disaster of a house! You trained me well on how to multi-task and for that I am eternally grateful! hehe

  The Ugly-Friday was a hard day for multiple reasons...the night before I had dreams about you all night. The kind that you are there...healthy...but yet I know you will die. And then I wake up missing you horribly and wishing I could actually wake up from this nightmare that is my reality...you really are gone! I get a pit in my stomach every single time I think about it. I get panic attacks everytime I am in the area of your cemetery...even driving past Power road makes me sick. I have been having more and more vivid flashbacks of your last few moments and after you passed which never cease to cause a stabbing pain in my chest and lump in my throat. I have to really think to myself, "Did I see my dad die? Did I really see my dad DIE?!" And the heart wrenching answer is...yes. I watched your last breathe...I held your hand as your body became cold. I watched cancer steal my dad from me and I hate it...I hate it with a burning passion! Another reason it was hard was it marked 6 years since Jesus took our first baby boy home. It was kind of funny (in a non funny way) to me because as I sat and talked about it with Bryan I talked about seeing his little figure and dark eyes, etc. and Bryan has no memory of that. He remembers the blisters from shoveling the concrete-like AZ dirt to bury him, but doesn't actually remember holding Geoffrey in his hand after I had him. My heart still aches to hold him, even in that tiny form. I long for the day when I am reunited with you both in Paradise!
   The Good-As always God was amazingly good to me and as I laid with Lucy for a snooze, I looked at her face and my heart just burst with thankfulness! 6 years before I was laying there in the same spot at that same time...in the most pain I have ever experienced physically and emotionally and I couldn't even imagine life getting any better. It had ended. All my excitement about this little baby, wondering about his future, who he would look like, what he would like to do, etc...all gone in a moment. I would never experience those things with him. It was a dark place. Yet the light that came after was our precious Colin, Cecily, Owen, and Lucy. Lucy has lived up to the verse God gave me for her at the very moment I saw those 2 lines on the test.

Jeremiah 31:13

In my moments of total despair when I am questioning God's goodness and His faithfulness towards me, she will just look at me with her amazing blue eyes and I can't help but thank Him for the precious gifts He HAS given me. Yes, He has taken away...but He has also given back...my heart will choose to say, Blessed Be Thy Name!
  So there ya have it...my week in a nutshell. A crazy, wonderful, tearfilled nutshell!
 We love you and miss you so very much! I am glad that if I can't be there to celebrate Geoffrey's Heavenly birthday, he at least has his grandpa now!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
 

Depression Hurts...Jesus Will Help

  Finally getting the chance to sit down and write my thoughts out. I miss our long phone chats or the times you took me to Costco with you and we would chat about life and all of it's craziness. I loved the looks we got when I went with you while 9 months pregnant and people couldn't tell if you had robbed the nest or if I was a *gasp* teen mom. As a teenager those kind of one on one outings with you practically sent me into a panic attack because you could always see right through me. I would think I was hiding my "rebellion" from you but all along you knew exactly what was in my heart. It wasn't until recently I understood how you always knew...you KNEW me. You had invested into my life, you watched me grew up, you knew my signs of submission vs rebellion, and you also had (as you always reminded me) the Holy Spirit to tell you when I was straying/struggling. As my kids grow up, though they are still little, I can always tell when something is up. The way they ask a question, the way they DON'T ask the question, their body language, their attitude towards Bryan and I as well as their siblings, and the ever helpful "spy" the Holy Spirit. It definitely drove me nuts that you always seemed to know what was going on but as a parent now (hindsight is 20/20 hehe) I am so grateful you DID know and you helped guide me and lead me towards the right path. So, thank you dad!

  Moving on...I have had lots (& lots) of up and downs lately. Thankfully the last week has been pretty good over all. I am still slowly getting back to my social self after feeling pretty overwhelmed by it since having Lucy. It was such a strange emotion for me to want to be a recluse because normally I get so stir crazy if I am not out and about a few times a week. I think it was largely due to just how much harder it is it go out by myself with 4 kids. You wouldn't think going from 3 to 4 would matter that much but for some reason it's crazy hard to do anything now. I get anxious just thinking about it and end up waiting until Bryan's work from home day or until the weekend to run any errands because I just can't get the energy or the mental stamina to do it by myself most of the time. As Lucy gets older and is more predictable it will get easier, and Colin has already stepped up and been very helpful with little complaining on his part. And a small part of it is still me battling little bouts of depression. But He is faithful and through prayer has brought me a long way in a short time!
  A song that I have been listening to all week because I am dancing to it in the Spring ballet recital is 'Nothing is Wasted' by Jason Grey.

 The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope's a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

  It's a song that mommy found for our family last year and I can't describe how perfectly it sums up this whole ordeal. There are times when I feel like there can't be a purpose for God taking you home and for all this pain and difficulty it has caused the family. But then I am reminded nothing is wasted -no tear, no pain- in His perfect plan. It is through these tears and this incredibly deep pain that His joy has been found so much sweeter to me. I look at life in a completely different way than I ever thought possible. I cherish every little thing I get to be here for-every smile, birthday, giggle, hair cut, scraped knee, ABC sing along, playing superhero with my boys, and princesses with my girls. All too quickly it will be gone when He takes me or them home. I cherish Bryan and all he does for me and the kids and thank Jesus every morning I wake up and he is laying there next to me and every day when I hear the garage open and I know he made it home safe and sound. I never want to take it for granted because at any moment He can take one of us home. My children are not my own, Bryan is not mine, and my family doesn't belong to me either....we are all God's and I know He has our days numbered. Truthfully, I pray those days are many because I am not sure how well I can handle another loss anytime soon! This one is taking all everything I can muster! Colin came up to me the other day out of the blue and said, "I'm going to remember all the fun things I do as a kid because if daddy has chemo he will get sick like your daddy". Even he has the difficult awareness of knowing this life is uncertain. Breaks my heart for a 5 year old to know but I guess it's not a bad thing, he knows this place is not our home!
   A few grandbaby updates: Colin is growing like a weed and I can hardly keep up with his appetite. I fed him lunch yesterday and not 45 minutes later he was hungry again. After that snack he was STILL hungry so I had to feed him yet again. He is thinning out and getting tall...I don't know where he gets that from! He is learning more and more each day in school and becoming such a great helper for me. The little ones look up to him and it makes me smile everytime I hear them copy something he says. He calls Owen "bud" so the other day Cecily heard Owen start crying and said, "Oh little bud, what's wrong?" It was so sweet that she admires her big brother enough to mimic what he says. (It's not always a good thing! haha) Cecily is also growing right now and suddenly shot up and is also losing some baby chub. I am kind of sad about it because I do love her baby fat. We must have made a pretty big deal about her "cute buns" her whole life because everytime she takes her underwear off she says "wook! It's my cute buns!" and runs around showing off her cute buns to anyone who will look. haha It's funny at home but not at public restrooms! She can now say her alphabet, count to 15, and we are working on her shapes and colors. She calls Lucy her "baby durl" and is extra attentive to her needs. I love seeing their friendship blossom! Owen, oh my little Owen! Where do I even begin?! We can't get enough of this funny little kid! I was just telling mommy the other day that he reminds me of you with Bryan's physical abilities. He can lift a full milk jug, climb a vertical ladder, and build things with blocks that not even Colin can do. But his personality is so much you! When he gets in trouble his first reaction is to pout, then to say, "stop it", then to try to get you to laugh to get himself out of trouble. He gets "offended" often but is quick to snap out of it and get a big grin on his face. He loves being the center of attention and he LOVES to provoke his siblings. The latest stage we are in is the taking off of the diaper which is NOT fun. I don't mind changing poop or pee IN a diaper but off the floor, couch, rug, bedding, etc. is highly annoying. I am really close to duct taping his diaper on because not even a onesie or draw string pants can deter him. Where there is a will, there is a way! Lucy, our sweet little Lucy is getting big fast but not quite as fast as her sister thankfully! She is wearing clothes a little longer than Cecily did and is *only* in 6 months clothes. She will be 3 months old in a week and a half and I can hardly believe it! Her smile is amazing and her love of her siblings is very evident. If she is cranky they will all gather around her and she will just eat up all the attention! When you hold her she wants your eye contact or she will fuss and she wants constant movement. We think she will be a dancer like her mommy and aunties! We love seeing her personality unfold but secretly I wish she would slow down a bit so I can enjoy my baby girl being a baby!
   Well that pretty much wraps up life around here. I am just doing school with the older two, going on field trips, cooking all day for my kids insatiable appetites, and trying to be an attentive wife for Bryan. I sometimes get so caught up in every day life I forget to just stop and see how I can help HIM since he is always helping me! I am glad he is forgiving and patient because I drop the ball constantly on seeing/meeting his needs!
  I love you daddy! Kiss my baby boy for me since I can't give him a birthday kiss this week!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Some pictures of your growing grandkids

 Field trip to the park to learn about/feed the ducks

 Enjoying the cooler weather!

 Field trip to the zoo

 You are lucky we *never* cried at bed time...you had such perfect kids!