Things I want to tell my dad...: Depression Hurts...Jesus Will Help

Finally getting the chance to sit down and write my thoughts out. I miss our long phone chats or the times you took me to Costco with you and we would chat about life and all of it's craziness. I loved the looks we got when I went with you while 9 months pregnant and people couldn't tell if you had robbed the nest or if I was a *gasp* teen mom. As a teenager those kind of one on one outings with you practically sent me into a panic attack because you could always see right through me. I would think I was hiding my "rebellion" from you but all along you knew exactly what was in my heart. It wasn't until recently I understood how you always knew...you KNEW me. You had invested into my life, you watched me grew up, you knew my signs of submission vs rebellion, and you also had (as you always reminded me) the Holy Spirit to tell you when I was straying/struggling. As my kids grow up, though they are still little, I can always tell when something is up. The way they ask a question, the way they DON'T ask the question, their body language, their attitude towards Bryan and I as well as their siblings, and the ever helpful "spy" the Holy Spirit. It definitely drove me nuts that you always seemed to know what was going on but as a parent now (hindsight is 20/20 hehe) I am so grateful you DID know and you helped guide me and lead me towards the right path. So, thank you dad!

Moving on...I have had lots (& lots) of up and downs lately. Thankfully the last week has been pretty good over all. I am still slowly getting back to my social self after feeling pretty overwhelmed by it since having Lucy. It was such a strange emotion for me to want to be a recluse because normally I get so stir crazy if I am not out and about a few times a week. I think it was largely due to just how much harder it is it go out by myself with 4 kids. You wouldn't think going from 3 to 4 would matter that much but for some reason it's crazy hard to do anything now. I get anxious just thinking about it and end up waiting until Bryan's work from home day or until the weekend to run any errands because I just can't get the energy or the mental stamina to do it by myself most of the time. As Lucy gets older and is more predictable it will get easier, and Colin has already stepped up and been very helpful with little complaining on his part. And a small part of it is still me battling little bouts of depression. But He is faithful and through prayer has brought me a long way in a short time!
A song that I have been listening to all week because I am dancing to it in the Spring ballet recital is 'Nothing is Wasted' by Jason Grey.

The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope's a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again
Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

It's a song that mommy found for our family last year and I can't describe how perfectly it sums up this whole ordeal. There are times when I feel like there can't be a purpose for God taking you home and for all this pain and difficulty it has caused the family. But then I am reminded nothing is wasted -no tear, no pain- in His perfect plan. It is through these tears and this incredibly deep pain that His joy has been found so much sweeter to me. I look at life in a completely different way than I ever thought possible. I cherish every little thing I get to be here for-every smile, birthday, giggle, hair cut, scraped knee, ABC sing along, playing superhero with my boys, and princesses with my girls. All too quickly it will be gone when He takes me or them home. I cherish Bryan and all he does for me and the kids and thank Jesus every morning I wake up and he is laying there next to me and every day when I hear the garage open and I know he made it home safe and sound. I never want to take it for granted because at any moment He can take one of us home. My children are not my own, Bryan is not mine, and my family doesn't belong to me either....we are all God's and I know He has our days numbered. Truthfully, I pray those days are many because I am not sure how well I can handle another loss anytime soon! This one is taking all everything I can muster! Colin came up to me the other day out of the blue and said, "I'm going to remember all the fun things I do as a kid because if daddy has chemo he will get sick like your daddy". Even he has the difficult awareness of knowing this life is uncertain. Breaks my heart for a 5 year old to know but I guess it's not a bad thing, he knows this place is not our home!
A few grandbaby updates: Colin is growing like a weed and I can hardly keep up with his appetite. I fed him lunch yesterday and not 45 minutes later he was hungry again. After that snack he was STILL hungry so I had to feed him yet again. He is thinning out and getting tall...I don't know where he gets that from! He is learning more and more each day in school and becoming such a great helper for me. The little ones look up to him and it makes me smile everytime I hear them copy something he says. He calls Owen "bud" so the other day Cecily heard Owen start crying and said, "Oh little bud, what's wrong?" It was so sweet that she admires her big brother enough to mimic what he says. (It's not always a good thing! haha) Cecily is also growing right now and suddenly shot up and is also losing some baby chub. I am kind of sad about it because I do love her baby fat. We must have made a pretty big deal about her "cute buns" her whole life because everytime she takes her underwear off she says "wook! It's my cute buns!" and runs around showing off her cute buns to anyone who will look. haha It's funny at home but not at public restrooms! She can now say her alphabet, count to 15, and we are working on her shapes and colors. She calls Lucy her "baby durl" and is extra attentive to her needs. I love seeing their friendship blossom! Owen, oh my little Owen! Where do I even begin?! We can't get enough of this funny little kid! I was just telling mommy the other day that he reminds me of you with Bryan's physical abilities. He can lift a full milk jug, climb a vertical ladder, and build things with blocks that not even Colin can do. But his personality is so much you! When he gets in trouble his first reaction is to pout, then to say, "stop it", then to try to get you to laugh to get himself out of trouble. He gets "offended" often but is quick to snap out of it and get a big grin on his face. He loves being the center of attention and he LOVES to provoke his siblings. The latest stage we are in is the taking off of the diaper which is NOT fun. I don't mind changing poop or pee IN a diaper but off the floor, couch, rug, bedding, etc. is highly annoying. I am really close to duct taping his diaper on because not even a onesie or draw string pants can deter him. Where there is a will, there is a way! Lucy, our sweet little Lucy is getting big fast but not quite as fast as her sister thankfully! She is wearing clothes a little longer than Cecily did and is *only* in 6 months clothes. She will be 3 months old in a week and a half and I can hardly believe it! Her smile is amazing and her love of her siblings is very evident. If she is cranky they will all gather around her and she will just eat up all the attention! When you hold her she wants your eye contact or she will fuss and she wants constant movement. We think she will be a dancer like her mommy and aunties! We love seeing her personality unfold but secretly I wish she would slow down a bit so I can enjoy my baby girl being a baby!
Well that pretty much wraps up life around here. I am just doing school with the older two, going on field trips, cooking all day for my kids insatiable appetites, and trying to be an attentive wife for Bryan. I sometimes get so caught up in every day life I forget to just stop and see how I can help HIM since he is always helping me! I am glad he is forgiving and patient because I drop the ball constantly on seeing/meeting his needs!
I love you daddy! Kiss my baby boy for me since I can't give him a birthday kiss this week!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Some pictures of your growing grandkids