Four Years

At this time 4 years ago, daddy, we were watching you slip away. The cancer had taken over your body and we could visibly see the tumors in your abdomen. We were all waiting around, watching, crying, breaking, and praying. The hours went by at a glacial pace yet in a flash it was over. You were gone. With Jesus forever in your Eternal Home. So many times I have tried to envision what that was like for you. When your eyes here were closed for the last time and opened in a whole new place. What Jesus said to you, who welcomed you, and how amazing it felt for you to be freed from your earthly body that had betrayed you. Bryan explained to the kids why I was having such a hard day controlling my emotions and they just can't comprehend it. Though Colin remembers you and the Grandpa he lost, the others only see pictures and hear stories so they can't really grasp the depth of why their mommy is such a mess! I woke up with a weight in my chest and no appetite and after a few hours of trying to ignore it, I realized I needed to just deal with it so that I didn't keep the cycle of "stuffing"it. I went to your grave alone, something I have only done one other time. I sat there in the shade of the now big tree next to your stone, and cried. I couldn't even talk I just cried. Bunnies ran across the grass, birds chirped, cars were speeding by, but yet it was just me and you. All the memories of vacations with you, Mattie and I singing while you mowed the lawn, hearing you pray over dinner, all came flooding back. It was bittersweet. I went and got myself a Dutch Bros drink compliments of a dear friend and cried some more on the way home. One thing that really stuck out to me seeing pictures from the day we buried you to going there today was how many people have been buried around you since you passed away. There is now someone at your feet and the sod hasn't even taken root yet. Mattie said when she went last week or so the lady was there and she was just sitting there sobbing. It of course made Mattie cry because she is a sympathetic cryer. hehe The tree that was so little and sparse is now filled in with a solid trunk and gives good shade to the area. Life has continued on...and so has death.

I told Bryan I needed a distraction so we went to Organ Stop with the kids. Lucy and Lincoln were scared the first song but then they got into it and were dancing and clapping. It was nice to just listen to the music, eat mediocre pizza, and catch up with friends we haven't seen in like a year. After the kids go to bed Bryan is going to watch a movie with me and probably have a very wet shoulder from me crying on it!

I had another session with my counselor on Friday and it was a hard one for me. While reading the book that she recommended it has really shown me where I am still healing. Recently I read the chapter on how going through a tragedy such as the loss of a loved one tends to make you hyper aware of what is going on around you. You over analyze and try to figure out what you could do differently or what could go wrong. Oh dad, I can't tell you how much anxiety I have now that I had to watch you die. A simple unexplained bruise on a kid can send me into a spiral of panic that something is wrong and they have cancer or something! I have had anxiety attacks on an almost daily basis and it becomes paralyzing at times. Bryan gets home a little later than I except and suddenly in my mind he is dead on the side of the road somewhere. It's so hard to turn that off in my brain because I feel like I have to constantly brace myself for something horrible to happen. It's not a fun place to be and I don't enjoy feeling this way. My counselor suggested that when my mind starts playing, "What if" that I write it down and then in the other column I write the "Even still" to counter it. What if I lose a child? Even still God will be there for me, He will take care of them because He loves them even more than I do, He will give us the grace we need, and He won't forsake us. A simple step, but it has helped bring me back down to a more calm place when I switch my gaze from the chaos around me, and focus on the Truths that God has given to me. So I am being intentional about those thoughts and anxieties and taking them captive and standing on His promises. It's not easy, especially when it comes to the realization that yes nothing is guaranteed, my life, my kids lives, my husband, I could lose any of them at any moment, but even still. God is Good. He goes on to talk about the randomness of tragedy and that we as humans see our lives as a linear thing so when an unexpected thing happens it shifts us abruptly in a different direction and that is where we the trouble comes. We don't do well with random, things need to make sense, there needs to be a reason. But life IS random from an earthly perspective. We can't see the whole picture, we can't see what He is doing or WHY He is doing what he is doing so of course to us it looks random or unfair. He talks about Job and Joseph and how their lives seemed like a series of unfortunate events but they were working on a much higher level for God's Kingdom. And the way Job and Joseph reacted meant that God's plan COULD be completed because they trusted Him and had faith that He was going to redeem their tragedies. Do I know why God took you home so early? No. do I like it? Not one bit. Do I trust Him? I am trying. Truth be told I am not there every day. Somedays I struggle with trusting Him and believing that He is good. My focus can become so earthly it's hard to see the Heavenly perspective. I am striving everyday though to keep my eyes focused on Him and the peace that comes with saying, even still, It is well with soul.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

The spot that is now filled

 My coffee!

 I ordered a shirt to wear for your Heavenly Birthday and it is just the reminder that I need to get me through!

 The boys checking out the Organ

 He hadn't warmed up yet to the idea of a dark room and loud music. haha

Living in Victory

Ever since you passed away, dad, I have had to live with grief. That seems like stating the obvious, and it is. But one thing I hadn't prepared myself for was the guilt that comes with the grief. The first year or so I allowed myself that room and grace to grieve how I needed and as often as I needed. After a little while, though, I felt as if I needed to move on for the sake of the kids and Bryan. However that is easier said than done. I couldn't move on. And as time goes on I am realizing I shouldn't have tried to, I wasn't ready and there was still healing that needed to happen. The more I tried to fight the grief the more depressed and anxious I got. Which led to me being less and less available to Bryan and the kids. After a year of living that way, but oblivious to what I was actually doing, it all came flooding in and with it the guilt that I had spent 2 years being a distant and detached mother and wife. Talk about guilt! You begin to just see yourself as a sad, anxious person and it starts to define who you are. I can't go back and undo all those crucial years with my kids and that makes this even more difficult! During that time I lost sight of how God sees me. He doesn't see me as a broken and useless vessel, like I see myself. He sees me through His grace, whole, and victorious! The song that has been my Anthem in the last few months as He mends and heals my heart is the song Greater by Mercy Me. The lyrics are so simple it's easy to just gloss over them, but they pack a powerful punch! "There are days I lose the battle, Grace says that it doesn't matter because the cross already won the war!" The days where I fail and I don't give my kids my very best and I struggle just to get out of bed, the cross already won the war! I don't have to live in the guilt of that one day, I can get up the next day and move forward and accept His grace and the peace that comes with it! The freedom that comes with that is truly huge! It reminds me of the grace that is already there, the grace that was given on the cross, and the grace that has already covered my sins and my short-comings. Yes, I will have my bad days where I snap at the kids over spilled orange juice, or endless tears of miss you, but those don't have to define who I am. God is greater!

Bring your tired
Bring your shame
Bring your guilt
Bring your pain
Don't you know that's not your name
You will always be much more to me

Everyday I wrestle with the voices
That keep telling me I'm not right
But that's alright

Cause I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

Bring your doubts
Bring your fears
Bring your hurt
Bring your tears
There'll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed

Every time I fall
There'll be those who will call me
A mistake
Well that's ok

Cause I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
Cause the cross already won the war
He's Greater
He's Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how he sees me
And it makes me love him more and more
He's Greater
He's Greater

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
Cause the cross already won the war
He's Greater
He's Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how he sees me
And it makes me love him more and more
He's Greater
He's Greater

Cause I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
Cause the cross already won the war
He's Greater
He's Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how he sees me
And it makes me love him more and more
He's Greater
He's Greater
He who is living the world

Sometimes the voice of the enemy whispers louder and I forget who I am, and Who I belong to. I have to be purposeful every day to live in His grace which allows me the freedom to fulfill everything He has called me to as a wife and a mother!

Well I need to get to bed before Lincoln wakes me up to nurse again! You are so loved and missed!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Some favorite pictures of life's daily happenings.