Living in Victory

Ever since you passed away, dad, I have had to live with grief. That seems like stating the obvious, and it is. But one thing I hadn't prepared myself for was the guilt that comes with the grief. The first year or so I allowed myself that room and grace to grieve how I needed and as often as I needed. After a little while, though, I felt as if I needed to move on for the sake of the kids and Bryan. However that is easier said than done. I couldn't move on. And as time goes on I am realizing I shouldn't have tried to, I wasn't ready and there was still healing that needed to happen. The more I tried to fight the grief the more depressed and anxious I got. Which led to me being less and less available to Bryan and the kids. After a year of living that way, but oblivious to what I was actually doing, it all came flooding in and with it the guilt that I had spent 2 years being a distant and detached mother and wife. Talk about guilt! You begin to just see yourself as a sad, anxious person and it starts to define who you are. I can't go back and undo all those crucial years with my kids and that makes this even more difficult! During that time I lost sight of how God sees me. He doesn't see me as a broken and useless vessel, like I see myself. He sees me through His grace, whole, and victorious! The song that has been my Anthem in the last few months as He mends and heals my heart is the song Greater by Mercy Me. The lyrics are so simple it's easy to just gloss over them, but they pack a powerful punch! "There are days I lose the battle, Grace says that it doesn't matter because the cross already won the war!" The days where I fail and I don't give my kids my very best and I struggle just to get out of bed, the cross already won the war! I don't have to live in the guilt of that one day, I can get up the next day and move forward and accept His grace and the peace that comes with it! The freedom that comes with that is truly huge! It reminds me of the grace that is already there, the grace that was given on the cross, and the grace that has already covered my sins and my short-comings. Yes, I will have my bad days where I snap at the kids over spilled orange juice, or endless tears of miss you, but those don't have to define who I am. God is greater!

Bring your tired
Bring your shame
Bring your guilt
Bring your pain
Don't you know that's not your name
You will always be much more to me

Everyday I wrestle with the voices
That keep telling me I'm not right
But that's alright

Cause I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

Bring your doubts
Bring your fears
Bring your hurt
Bring your tears
There'll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed

Every time I fall
There'll be those who will call me
A mistake
Well that's ok

Cause I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
Cause the cross already won the war
He's Greater
He's Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how he sees me
And it makes me love him more and more
He's Greater
He's Greater

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
Cause the cross already won the war
He's Greater
He's Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how he sees me
And it makes me love him more and more
He's Greater
He's Greater

Cause I hear a voice and he calls me redeemed
When others say I'll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

There'll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn't matter
Cause the cross already won the war
He's Greater
He's Greater

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how he sees me
And it makes me love him more and more
He's Greater
He's Greater
He who is living the world

Sometimes the voice of the enemy whispers louder and I forget who I am, and Who I belong to. I have to be purposeful every day to live in His grace which allows me the freedom to fulfill everything He has called me to as a wife and a mother!

Well I need to get to bed before Lincoln wakes me up to nurse again! You are so loved and missed!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Some favorite pictures of life's daily happenings.