Awareness and Overcoming

Cecily was only a new 2 year old when you passed away...truthfully I didn't think she would remember much about the experience and up until the last few weeks I was convinced she didn't really get it/remember. Well, something in her little head clicked and she is finding the words to express her perspective on her grandpa dying. It must be in her sub-conscience that your 2 year heavenly birthday is approaching because with no prompting she talks about you constantly. She says things like, "Grandpa Tim isn't in heaven like Grandpa Wayne." or "Grandpa Wayne died, and was in a box, and his eyes were closed." "Grandpa Wayne went up to heaven on an elevator." "Does Grandpa Wayne have his cell phone in his pocket? We should call him and tell him to back now, grammie, Weston, Mattie, Colin, and I miss him." "Grammie is marrying grandpa Tim because Grandpa Wayne died and can't come back." These conversations just kind of come up randomly and actually "seeing" her little mind process what has happened never ceases to bring a lump to my throat and a tug at my heart. Mommy's bunny Fiona passed away a few weeks ago and now she says that "Fona is with Grandpa Wayne and Jesus now!" Knowing that all of this was trapped up in her head is kind of crazy to me. I never really talked about it with her because I didn't think she needed to process it. Colin made it very clear he needed help and support but she seemed blissfully unaware of the pain of losing her grandpa. Little did I know she was very aware that her Grandpa is no longer here and misses him just like the rest of us. Tim has been such a blessing to her and I am beyond grateful that she has found that connection with him. She adores him and just giggles at everything he says! I am pretty sure she has a 4 year old's kind of crush on him! I know God brought Tim for mom's sake, but I am certain it was also just as much for the grandkids you left behind!

As your 2 year Entrance to the Heavenlies approaches I am filled with mixed emotions. The last 3 weeks or so have been so hard because quite a few people around me have lost loved ones in very tragic situations. The kind that no one expects or prepares for. Not that you can ever prepare for death, but in the case of illness you have at least an idea that the end can be drawing near. These were situations that no one saw coming, and just knock the wind out of you! Since your death I had only been able to go to two other funerals. I have felt so guilty everytime I passed up the opportunity to go and support someone during such a horrific time, but truthfully the pain was so intense I couldn't find the courage to go. Last week I finally overcame that fear and went to support a family that lost their boy in an unimaginable tragedy! I sat there the whole time just suppressing every urge to feel sick and fall to pieces. Knowing exactly what that family was feeling...and knowing they were feeling it so much deeper was intense/overwhelming...but it also allowed me to pray for them in a way I would have never known how before 2 years ago. It was a huge step for me to be able to go and feel myself moving forward and most importantly healing.

Your grandbabies are getting bigger everyday! Colin is growing like a weed and catching up to Weston (who is also growing like a weed and looks just like his daddy) and will be doing 1st-2nd grade this year. He loves superheros, playing games with Bryan, helping with Lucy, filling up water balloons, swimming, helping me cook, and talking. Cecily is still the same little princess she always has been...but with a little more "grossness". She tends to announce her bathroom encounters LOUDLY at restaurants or parties, finds gas hilarious, and washing her hands is optional. We are working on all these things. hehe Owen is seriously adorable and you would find him as irresistible as we do! His vocabulary has exploded recently and he says the funniest things! He sings Let it Go and the alphabet all day long, and is still obsessed with sharks, dinos, and Batman. Lucy is almost walking and as cute as a button. She adores all the attention that gets lathered on her all day, and thanks to my essential oils is finally sleeping really well at night. Now if only her brothers would quit having nightmares I would actually get a decent night sleep! Bryan is loving his new job and finding it a fun challenge! I love seeing him excited about work and feeling like his brains are being put to good use! I am the same as usual....beautifully struggling to be the best mom and wife I can be with lots of failures along the way. I am thankful for what HE says I am, and that my worth isn't determined by how much I get done in one day because if it was I'd fail daily! I miss you terribly and 2 years later it still stings like it did the day you passed away! We will be celebrating you with a graveside breakfast of donuts and bagels on Friday...I will bring some more orange balloons for the kids to release. In their little minds grandpa gets the balloons they send up!
I love you and miss you more than ever!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Endless Hallelujah

While sitting in church today I happened to be sitting in "your" row. I hadn't really thought much of it because we have sat there many times since you passed but suddenly the song Endless Hallelujah started playing. Just singing the first few words immediately brought a lump to my (already) lumpy throat. I glanced down the row to the seat you usually sat in which was occupied by someone else and I imagined you standing there...read hair, hands raised up in the air, eyes closed, singing your heart out to your King. It was way more than I could handle I broke down in tears. The song goes like this:

When I stand before Your throne
Dressed in glory not my own
What a joy I'll sing of on that day
No more tears or broken dreams
Forgotten is the minor key
Everything as it was meant to be
[Chorus]
And we will worship, worship
Forever in Your presence we will sing
We will worship, worship You
And endless hallelujah to the King
I will see You as You are
Love You with unsinning heart
And see how much You paid to bring me home
Not till then, Lord, shall I know
Not till then, how much I owe
Everything I am before Your throne
[Chorus]
And we will worship, worship
Forever in Your presence we will sing
We will worship, worship You
And endless hallelujah to the King
No more tears, no more shame
No more sin and sorrow ever known again
No more fears, no more pain
We will see You face to face
See You face to face
[Chorus x2]
And we will worship, worship
Forever in Your presence we will sing
We will worship, worship You
And endless hallelujah to the King
And endless hallelujah to the King
We'll sing
And endless hallelujah to the King 

In that moment all I could think about was the fact that you were doing just that...standing in front of Him...singing an endless hallelujah. No pain. No guilt. No shame. It made me so happy for you, yet incredibly sad that I was unable to worship with you there too. 

   I don't have too long to update as I am in the middle of ballet stuff for our Spring recital, but it has been a bit of a crazy week. I ended up at Urgent care twice and the last time it was for pain and swelling in my throat. I am now fairly certain my thyroid is acting up, so hopefully I can get it back to normal soon. A constant feeling of pain, swelling, and food caught in your throat is really annoying!

Love and miss you!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

9 months old and growing!

 Lucy loved the therapy ball at her Auntie's moms house

 Owen was the life of the party today!

Segfault-ing

Time is something I seem to always be racing against these days! I swear I just wrote to you and suddenly it's a full month later and I am just now catching my breathe! Bryan and I have had a few discussions lately in regards to "How I am doing?" and this man never ceases to amaze me at how well he knows me. For the last nearly 2 years (has it been that long?! yikes!) I have struggled to figure out who I am with my dad gone and how this whole grief process has "rewired" my brain. I knew it had, but for some reason I could not pinpoint what exactly had changed. I knew I couldn't function the same as before. I knew my thought processes had changed from before. But I could not make sense of the mess inside of me. Well, the engineer inside Bryan just had to figure out what was going on inside my head. He spent a year just letting me be, and helping me along the way, figuring all the while I would eventually go back to how I was before watching you die. As time has gone on, he realized I was not going back to "Carley" and he was really struggling with how to help me because the ways that USED to help were no longer effective, they just pushed me away. One day it occurred to him (this will be in computer terms as he described it to me. He's so hot when he talks nerdy to me! ahahaha) that I used to be multi-threaded aka I could multi-talk easily. I could jump from thing to thing and not lose pace or get frustrated. Example: While making lunch the old Carley could make lunch with a screaming baby on my hip, fighting adolescents (probably over where they are sitting at the table), and a toddler trying to "help" but in reality just making it more chaotic, without even getting flustered. The new Carley ends up screaming over all of them to shut up because I can't think straight and grow increasingly frustrated with the toddler underfoot and end up in tears because the baby needs to nurse at the exact moment the rest of the kids need to eat and I have yet to eat anything for the day because my breakfast got stolen...twice. I then completely mentally shut down and (what Bryan called segfault-ing) spend the rest of my day in a totally emotional state and don't get anything done except cry a lot and yell at my poor children. It pretty much was a light bulb moment when he told me his "findings" because it is exactly what happens to me! It seemed so simple and DUH when he said it, but for some reason I couldn't understand WHY I couldn't do what I USED to do. I felt like I was broken...and I've heard many times along this journey that when going through a trauma like this your brain literally "rewires" and even your handwriting changes. But this just caught me off guard because I felt like I should have been back to "normal" by now. However, I have now come to the conclusion that this is normal. Sure I will function better as time goes on, but I better get used to being single-threaded and segfault-ing easily because that is just how I am wired now. I can't handle chaos. And that will just have to be ok. Sooooo with all of that we had to sit down and take a very serious look at my "load" and what things I can cut out in order to segfault less. (I just like that word!) I am stepping down from teaching at Beautiful Feet for this up coming semester, I am cutting back on what I agree to take on (parties, outings, etc), admitting when I need help, ask for it, and ACCEPT it, I got a fantastic mommy helper who comes once a week to watch the kids while I clean, and I am learning that I need to stay on top of things BEFORE it becomes chaotic so that I don't shut down. Chaos used to fuel me...I did some of my greatest work in chaos, now it stuns me and leaves me unable to accomplish anything. Not good when you have 4 little ones to look after! I have had to ask for grace from friends and family for falling short on many occasions in recent months, so hopefully they will forgive me! It's a very humbling experience to not be able to be the "Type A" personality I used to be...but I guess Type B isn't all that bad! hehehehe
   We do have some new things that God has put in our paths and the timing is kind of funny because we were NOT expecting it and were quite comfortable where we were at...but when He says "It's time" It's time! I can't make a formal announcement yet...but soon I can! I do not do well with change (refer back to the precious paragraph) but I have such a peace about where He is leading us and what He is doing with our family. I am very excited to see what the next year or so has in store!
  Well the kids are needing baths and bed so I will close this out! I have so much more to tell you and update you on...mom's wedding plans, Stacey's wedding plans, the kids continual growth, the list goes on. But I guess it will have to wait for another time!
I love you and my heart aches to see you again!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

 For the first time as a mom I broke out the pack n play so I could get stuff done.

 Love his little personality!

 Lucy had some health issues so here we are waiting at Cardon's Childrens hospital for some tests. She did great...I am traumatized. Everything turned out fine and it was just a simple UTI with no further complications!

 We planted some spring flowers! The first time in 7 years I have every done that!

 Stacey came in town for a bridal shower and we all went to the new Cheddar's for dinner.

 Cessy turned 4 last week and she couldn't be happier!

 We went on our traditional Chompie's date

 In April it was already swimming weather! Ugh!

 Owen however did not like the feeling of the mesh underwear and cried hysterically for 30 minutes...

 Homeschool field trip to the IDEA museum!

 This is Lucy's camera face. I LOVE it!

 Exhausted mommy but I wouldn't have it any other way!

 More camera face

 She's my love!

 After all that posing she was tuckered out and fell asleep on Auntie!

 Tim's dad sent Colin this fun water/oil toy. He loves it!

 I got a new dishwasher because mine broke! I got Bryan to get the latest model...it's amazing how you can talk an engineer into the better appliance because it's "Made with metal not plastic parts"

 Grammie getting lots of love from the kids. (Yes Owen was in a Princess pull up...we ran out of diapers! bahaha)

 Your Wayne JR turned 18...not sure how to feel about this but I am happy he made it this far! lol

 Lucy enjoying the festivities

 That's the bets smile you get out of Wayne (unless you're a girl he likes)

 Mommy is glad he finally 18 and responsible for his own actions now. bahaha

 My blue eyed girl!

 After an exhausting day at the mall...Owen walked in and fell asleep on the floor hahaha

 I am having some health issues of my own and one of those came with the need to carry an epi pen....here is my trainer. Bryan thoroughly enjoyed jabbing it into my thigh!