Comfortably Miserable

   As always experience is the best teacher and lately I have had a lot of lessons. The longest standing lesson is it's way easier to get stuck in your grief than it is to get out. I will be going on with life...minding my own business....then I see Ensure in the grocery aisle and BAM that wound opens and I am "oozing" for days. It hits so randomly I can't always prepare myself and those are the moments that are the hardest to get over. When we go to your grave I mentally prepare myself, I know where I am going, what to expect, and I can build up that emotional strength. It's the unexpected that really throws me for a loop! Like finding a pair of your socks in my sock drawer, passing by a playground that I visited with you when I was little, seeing your bus stop benches and trash cans, going to DSW to buy Bryan shoes and seeing those brown shoes with the tassels you always wore, Colin asking if we are ever going to get to see you at your office again and then go "that one place (Moki's) for lunch afterward with Grammie and Weston.", walking in to hear Cecily sing Beautiful Things and then proceed to say "mommy I'm singing Grandpa's song", going into your room and seeing a stack of dress shirts ironed then quickly realizing they are Tim's not yours, the list goes on and on. I hear it often said that it will become less painful as time passes, and to an extent it has, but it still stings so intensely at times I can't believe it has been a year and a half! Then I think of all the things you've missed out on and it seems like it's been much longer than just a year and a half! So with all of that I was listening to a song the other day and part of the lyrics struck me, it goes something like this:

So unpredictable
We're comfortably miserable
We think we're invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
But isn't it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

   It's so easy for me to STAY miserable after having a "run in" with my memories of you. I get comfortable in my grief and I feel as if moving on means I don't miss you enough or you didn't matter that much. Even if in my heart I know that is not the truth, the dark place I get to when I am grieving tells me that it's ok to be miserable, it's ok to want to just give up or run away. Then in His mercy He reminds me that He has conquered death, death is not the end of us, it's the beginning of our life with Him and the glorious eternity we will have for those that have given Him their life in surrender to Him. My reminder usually comes in the form on this song from Gungor:

This is not the end
This is not the end of this
We will open our eyes wide, wider

This is not our last
This is not our last breath
We will open our mouths wide, wider

  Colin's favorite song is "Christ is Risen" and whenever we get in the car he asks for it, there is something about hearing your child sing a truth you have always known that makes is so much deeper! 

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

  Sticking with the musical theme (Can you tell what we have been doing a lot of lately?) we had a conversation in the car about Heaven and you and it went something like this. The song If You Could See Me Now was playing on the ipod and I hadn't listened to it all since your funeral, but as soon as it came on Colin recognized it and said something about missing grandpa. We started talking about you and the song lead into discussing that you are no longer in pain and we wouldn't want grandpa to come back if it meant you were so sick again. Colin said that he wanted to know what it was like to die because he had never died before (I did chuckle at that part) and much to his dismay I didn't have an answer for that because I have never died either! I told him that if he knew Jesus and had given Him his life it would be very peaceful and that he would see Jesus and grandpa and would meet his siblings in Heaven that he has never met before. He was very excited at the thought that he would see you again but decided that he wanted to stay here just a little longer because he wanted to see the Lego movie again and they don't have it in Heaven. He did however say he was going to tell you all about the Lego Movie and Minecraft when he gets to Heaven because you need to know about it. Oh how I love our conversations of Heaven! I never thought I would be having them with such little kids, but God has taught me so much through those moments of processing their grief with them. Cecily is a little more cut and dry and our conversations about you usually go like this, {She sees a picture of you} "That's grandpa" "Yes it is! Grandpa loves you!" "Yes but he's dead!" "Yes, yes he is!" She doesn't have quite the same emotional reaction as Colin but she was only 2 at the time so her memories are fading faster. 

   Well I have so much more to say but my family needs clean clothes and dishes so I need to go tend to that! I love you and miss you ever so much! Until He returns or calls me home, in the Power of Christ I stand.

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Life happenings....Owen getting big too fast!

 Lucy loves the new found sitting device called a High Chair

 Your Princess Cecily

 My little Valentine!

 Mommy did a "Year Of Dates" book for Bryan and I and this was January's date. A game of The Not so Newly Wed Game. I won and got a back massage and ice cream!

 I injured myself in a way that you probably would have injured yourself...I won't go into detail on exactly how it happened but you know exactly what happened!

 Even with a horribly bruised finger I made the kids a Valentine's Breakfast of chocolate waffles, they were very excited about it!

 And we even woke up to our butterflies having emerged from their chrysalises.

 One happy Valentine

 Two Happy Valentine

 Three Happy Valentine

 Four Happy Valentine!!!

 Mommy made her a Love Bug outfit for Valentines!

 Mommy graciously babysat for us while we went to the Melting Pot

 I drool just looking at this!

 The next day we released our butterflies....

 ...Owen was saying, "Get out! Get oooout!"

 Cecily is a girl after her grandpa's heart...she looooooves playgrounds!

 Owen loved the spiral slide the most! I think he went on it like 100x!

Giggles in the car..I love these kids!

   

Short and Sad

It's nearly 1am, all four kids are sleeping, and I'm awake playing "your" songs. Somedays the reminders are painful and I avoid them, others I find myself desperately trying to find closeness again. Tonight I need to feel close....I need to remember you...I need my daddy.

"From the end of the Earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61.2

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Family Resemblance

Over the weekend we celebrated your mommy's 28th {aka 82nd} birthday. There were lots of us there but lots were also missing! Slowly everyone is moving out of state so family parties are getting smaller and smaller. It's a sad fact of life! hehe One thing that has been hard for me to get past is the fact that your brothers look, sound, and have similar mannerisms to you. Just talking to them gives me a lump in my throat because it reminds me of talking to you. I think finally after a year a half my heart is finally catching up with the fact that you really are gone. Bryan, being the literal/realist person he is, is having a hard time understanding how I still sometimes can't comprehend that you are gone. I subconsciously hope that after like 5-10 years you'll miraculously reappear and this whole nightmare will be over. That seems like a do-able amount of time to go without you yet still have it hurt like a dagger to the heart and a punch to the stomach. Then that cruel thing called reality hits and my conscience side says no you really won't see him again here on this side of Heaven. It. Seriously. Sucks!
  In order to not further depress myself I will give you the grandkid update to lighten the mood! Colin is getting bigger by the second. He eats more than I do most of the time and I am pretty sure between him and Owen we will be eaten out of house and home by the time they are in HS. He is doing really well in school and I love watching him learn. He gets so excited to share with Bryan when he gets home all that he learned that day. Counting is still a struggle for him but he excels in spelling, reading, and writing. Cecily is growing up into a little lady before my eyes. She adores Lucy and tells everyone that "she is my wittle sister and i'm her big sister!" She is also doing great in school and never ceases to amaze me with what she can do and remembers. I sometimes underestimate her abilities because she is really good at looking/acting clueless but she's a very smart little girl if you give her the chance! Princess are still a favorite and just like her mommy she also collects stuffed animals and knows when 1 is missing from her bed {and won't sleep until I find it}. I don't know where she got that from! Owen turned 2 and with that has come some....attitude changes. He loves playing with the older kids but he also gets in the way so I spend most of the time telling him not to hit or punch them just because he is being left out. He learned his abc's and oh my goodness it's the cutest thing ever! Whenever I do school with the kids he just sits there and repeats everything I am teaching them. He may just breeze past preschool and start going to high school in a matter of a few years! hehe Lucy, oh my little Lucy! She is trying to kill me via sleep deprivation. I don't think she realizes this is not in her best interest because if she kills me I take my milky with me. But whatever the case, it's beginning to wear on me. Since the beginning of December I have been woken up every hour on the hour. I can guarantee by the time I doze back off I will only have gotten about 45 minutes of sleep max by the time she is up again. We have tried lots of things and some have worked and others haven't, but I am just convinced that my girls are terrible sleepers! I'm now praying for 10 boys after this because I can't handle anymore bad sleppers! hehe She had her 6 month check up last week and she is weighing in at 19lbs and 27in long. Short, fat, and proud of that! She says mama and dadda and is rocking back and forth like she is wanting to crawl. I doubt she'll start crawling for at least another month or two but she may surprise me! She has no teeth yet despite their best effort to pop through. Her little personality is really starting to come out and we can tell that she likes your FULL attention, to not be alone...ever, and she loves to "sing" and dance. She may just be like Auntie Tobin afterall!
    Well, I did 12 loads of laundry today so I am spent! It's time to go veg on the couch with some tea and watch Castle. I love you and miss you!!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

You and your mommy, she misses you daddy!

The last birthday you celebrated with her

Now for some cuteness...Owen saying his ABC's

Lucy's first pigtail...she hated it but it was oh so cute!

This is her I just nursed belly....she gives Santa a run for his money!

This is Owen's "I just got hit in the face with a book my sister threw at me" face. Poor kid can't catch a break!

Lucy waiting for the dr to come in to check her out...the appt was a disaster because both her and Owen had appointments and they both screamed bloody murder the entire time! The dr was yelling over them just to talk to me and we couldn't even communicate with each other. It was very frustrating and stressful but at least I didn't have any concerns to discuss.

 Cecily's outfit to go to the park...I think something important is missing...

Colin spelled Batman by himself...he was pretty proud of it!

It's a Shaaaaaaark

  Your crazy little Owen turned 2 a week and a half ago. We had his party last weekend and it was quite the to-do! I decided to pour my grief into his party and with the help of Dorothy and Tobin we made some amazing party decor! Mom said we should go into business doing it but I just don't think I have the energy to do all that work again anytime soon! I am sure Owen probably will not remember this party but I know I always will so that's all that counts, right?! We had lots of family and friends there and as always I was blessed by everyone who came to celebrate our little guy with us! It was a shark theme...with some nautical twists. One of my favorite Owen quotes is when we see any type of shark and he says, "It's a shaaaaaaaark" in a very low raspy voice. It was one of the first "sentences" he put together at around a year old and since then he's had a growing love of sharks. Maybe he'll go deep see diving to see sharks someday? That would make this momma very nervous so I won't be encouraging that...but they don't always listen as you well know! hehe
  I heard a quote this week that I just loved and has had me thinking a lot about my experiences and what they have taught me. 

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” 

C.S. Lewis

I was very blessed to have not had a lot of bad experiences growing up and had a great childhood that I look back on fondly. Sure there were normal kid experiences that I went through {watching you flush my fish down the toilet, getting grounded for lipping off, having my cell phone taken away when I went waaaay over my texting limits, etc} but they don't really count for anything in the world of "experience". Let's face it, most of them were self inflicted anyways! I did learn many lessons through them like my dad is heartless, to control my mouth, and that sending over 6,000 text messages in one month is not a good idea, but they weren't really all that life changing. Ok maybe the lipping off one was...but we have unlimited texting now so I am free to text however much I want! {Take that, dad!} However, after getting married I learned a hard lesson for the first time...life is fragile and uncertain. At the time I hated it and wondered why God would be so "mean" but looking back those lessons I learned through losing Geoffrey have shaped who I am today and I wouldn't change them if I could do it all over again. In the words of Bryan:

Toady's wisdom laughs at Yesterdays.

If only I knew then what I knew now I would not have fought that refining and those lessons as strongly as I did. Another aspect of those experiences that I am so grateful for is that they have given me a much deeper understanding of the pain in those around me. Had I not experienced a loss myself I would not fully be able to grieve with all the ladies around me who have walked this same path. Had I not lost you I would not know the depth of the pain you feel when you lose a parent at a young age. Sure, before those experiences I was very sad for people, but there is no way of fully comprehending pain unless you have been brought through the same fire. I have learned to treasure the fact that I can now fully sympathize with those who have walked a similar path. It's not one that I would wish on anyone...but there IS sweetness on this path, there IS hope on this path, and most importantly there IS a Savior walking it with us and for that I am truly thankful! So as much as I hate to say it, and as much as I hate that God had to pick me to gain this experience, these lessons are invaluable and this refining process {though painful} will produce the most beautiful jewel in me if I allow Him to fully shape and mold me. 

  I love you and miss you, oh how I miss you! Heaven seems like forever when I know not how long I have left until I see you again!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Some party pics...We went a little overboard!

 This was a special tribute to you...I don't know if you remember this but about 4 years back you forgot about my birthday until last minute so you went to CVS and bought the most random gifts ever. One of which was a shark fin ice cube mold. At the time I almost just gave it away because I thought "when am I ever going to use that?!" But as always God had a plan...even for a shark fin ice mold! So we thought of you everytime we saw the sharks circling the punch bowl! Thanks for the gift!

 The kiddos were digging for shark teeth