9 month labor pains

Today has been tough. Really starting last night it was tough. The last few "anniversaries" hadn't really been too bad, but for some reason 9 months hit hard. I had NO idea last night it was even the 9 month mark of us gathering around you watching you slowly fade away, yet somehow my heart knew it was and all I could do was listen to your songs and sob. All alone in the dark of my room I held your clothing which no longer smells even slightly like you, listened to Beautiful Things, Nothing is Wasted, Do I Trust You, and Christ the Solid Rock, and wept. I held on to your fingerprint on my necklace wishing somehow it would make me feel like I was holding your hand but it was just not the same. I can still remember exactly what your hands felt like when they held mine, what your hugs were like, your comforting voice, and your bristly cheek when you gave me a kiss. I hope to never forget those things about you! I dreamt about you all night and my dreams were all the same theme....me getting into some type of trouble and you helping me out. I can't count how many times I called on you when I got into a pickle and you were right there to help me sort it out. You rarely scolded me, you lovingly assessed the situation and helped me make things right. Yet you always made sure I learned some lesson in the midst of it so that I continued to grow and mature into who God wants me to be. I woke up at 3am to find Cecily standing in the middle of the living room with a big smile on her face clutching a picture of you and mommy. She must have climbed on her step stool to get it down from the dresser and all she could say was "this my grandpa! he died!" Even though she had no way of knowing what that night meant, she still woke up and missed you. At 3am 9 months earlier mommy watched them come pick you up, wrap you in a quilt, and take you to the morgue. I can't even wrap my mind around what that felt like for her! Watching the man you have been married to for almost 28 years be taken away, lifeless, to be prepared for burial....there aren't words! My mind kept going back to the moment I got the call from Stacey to come back, we pulled up to the house and it was covered in people outside praying for you and for us. It is something I will never forget and I am so thankful they came to support us! I remember Pam holding your wrist and saying, "I don't feel a pulse anymore Carley" and my heart just sunk. It was a pain I have never experienced before and hope to never have again. I ran in to get the other kids who had stepped out for a breather and we all gathered around to see your last breathe. Even though you know it's coming, nothing can ever prepare you for that final breathe. It's final. Nothing you can do or say will make the breathe return to your body! Inwardly you want to scream "WAKE UP!" but you know it won't work. As I thought about all these memories/nightmares from 9 months ago a song came on my IPod and despite the deep hurt I was feeling, I knew it was God speaking to me through it.

Out on the farthest edge
There in the silence
You were there

My faith was torn to shreds
Heart in the balance
And You were there

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end
Everything broken
But You were there

I've wandered at heaven's gates
I've made my bed in hell
You were there still

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely
You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely

Even in the darkest moment of our lives, we still felt Him, and dare I say we felt Him stronger than we ever had before! The grace we experienced was unending and His comfort unfathomable. He always has us, and always will. Nothing we experience will we ever be alone. So, as much as this sucks beyond anything I can describe, His faithfulness to never leave or forsake us was so apparent I can't help but be humbled by His mercy!

 As not to end this on a totally depressing note I will tell you a little of life with the Spears right now. Bryan is still Bryan...working, being an awesome daddy/hubby, playing games, and SLOWLY getting stuff done around the house. hehehe He installed a new entertainment center and we are really happy with it and all the added storage! Now he is in the process of getting all the big household repairs figured out. Colin is learned more and more everyday and I now find little notes all over the house with new words on them. He loves to write and even wrote grammie Candee a thank you note yesterday for taking him out on a Colin date. He is so great with the little ones and helps me out with (little) complaining. Cecily is becoming a great helper too and loves to lift up my shirt to see my "baby tummy". She says it's Owie in there but eventually she will catch on that it's Lucy. You will be proud because her favorite movie line right now is, "I grabbed onto that pink fleshy thing that dangles at the back of the throat. I held on to that sucker and I swung back and forth, and back forth..." It makes her laugh everytime and she has now learned the words! I wish you could hear her! Owen has been sick the last 2 days which has been ROUGH. He is a naturally clingy child so to add being sick on top of it, I don't think he has left my side since the day before yesterday! He just lays on me and whines and cries. I hate seeing him so uncomfortable. I really hope this is the last time we are sick this season because I am getting really tired of having sick kids that in turn get me sick! Me...well I am in the middle of a HUGE learning process. So many things I have been challenged with lately and have made me realize things about myself that I didn't know were there. I am learning to let go of grudges, get my short tempter under control because sadly Colin and Cecily have both become very short tempered with little things and I know they got that from seeing me, managing my time better, budgeting (YUCK!), and not being scared to stand up for righteousness. I feel like I am being hit with a lot of big lessons all at once, but where the need is great, so is the grace! Oh, and how can I forget little Lucy, she is kicking up a storm, growing big and strong, and I am so so excited to have another daughter! Mommy bought her (emotionally shopped, can you blame her?) some ADORABLE little outfits and I can't wait to see her in them!

Well that wraps up today's happenings. I have a fun story to catch you up on, but that will have to wait until next time because poor Bryan has had a crabby baby on his lap this whole time so I could type without him assaulting the keyboard. So I should help him out! Missing you deeply and loving you more than ever!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Mommy went to your grave to put some Spring flowers up for Passover. We decided we just couldn't celebrate passover this year because it was that week after passover you went downhill and it's the last time you sat at the table with us. It is just too painful this year!