Barely Breathing

Yes, I know, those are song lyrics, but it seemed an appropriate title. A year ago tonight we had just left your house...we decided to put the kids to bed since we weren't sure exactly how much longer you had. I kept my phone on my hand and stared at it for the next hour or so...time was standing still yet moving at the speed of a bullet. The hospice nurse who had been there that afternoon after you gave us a scare said you could hang on for a few more days or you could go that night. As the day went on though, we all just knew you were at the end. We had all prayed that God would take you peacefully and quickly because you had suffered long enough...though selfishly we wanted more time with you. I ache so badly to go back to those final hours and just sit with you...hold your hand...and be near to you. After only being home for a short time Stacey called me and said that your breathing had changed and it was time to come back. My heart fell to my stomach and I immediately got Bryan, we packed the sleepy kids up and headed back. I will never forget that drive. I just stared out the window, wishing...hoping...praying this was all a nightmare and any minute I would wake up. Was I really driving to your house to spend your last few moments with you? Would God heal you or take you home? Stuck in this weird place of hope and fear my chest felt like it was being crushed by the weight of the earth and I could barely breath. The air felt like it was being sucked out of me....if I could even get a breath at all. I tried my best to stay in the room the 2 hours we had left with you but watching your breaths become fewer and fewer was causing my own breath to speed up. I felt like I needed to breathe for you...like somehow it would help. I paced in and out trying to wrap my mind around what was happening, it was the closest thing I can describe as an out of body experience. There was a good sized group of prayer warriors outside who came to be there for you and for us in those final hours. It was such a precious things to us to see how loved we were (are) and that even in that dark night we weren't alone. If we bottled the amount of tears shed by everyone that night...we could fill a lake! And I am pretty sure if we bottled the last years worth it would fill an ocean!

You yourself have kept track of my misery.
    Put my tears into your bottle—
    aren’t they on your scroll already?

Psalm 56:8

 

 God had us wrapped so tightly in His grace, peace, and comfort, I look back and think "How did we survive that night?!" There are few things that cause Carley to be speechless and watching you die is one of them. I can't even describe it, I can't put into words the pain, beauty, anguish, heartache, peace, and grace that was felt that night. It literally leaves me without words.

   So here we are a year later...still having ups and down...today being a total down. At around 3pm my emotions came crashing down and I texted Bryan (couldn't even call I was sobbing so hard) that he needed to come home. I could no longer bottle in grief I had felt all day...so being the wonderful hubby he is, he came right home. Without any words he just layed next to me, put his arms around me and let me continue sobbing. After I had gotten my tears under control...well as controlled as they have been today...he asked if I wanted to just go do something fun tonight but truthfully fun seems like the farthest thing in my mind right now. So instead I opted for the 2.5 hour nap and we had pancakes with fruit and whipped cream for dinner. The kids didn't nap (again) so our evening was filled with lots of tears from the little guys too but since I am crying all the time I can't really get upset with them. They are all peacefully sleeping and Colin is excited to go to your grave tomorrow. Mom is going to have the lady at Mariposa Gardens put a banana peel on the grave for him to find, and we are going to release memory lanterns in your honor. It will be a sweet and difficult evening for all of us but those difficult things are often the most healing.

  Well I am reaching the end of my ability to think tonight. It goes without saying that this year has been the hardest of my life and not a day goes by where I don't wish I could see you again here on earth! I love you, miss you, and know that Heaven is a better place with you there...because earth kind of stinks now! :-)

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Owen slept on my chest tonight which never happens and I like to think it's because I was wearing your shirt. Oh how I wish he could have known his grandpa better!

Mom holding your hand in your last minutes here on earth. What a precious act of love to hold her husband in her arms while Jesus took you home. I to this day don't know how she did it with such calm and peace...I can only accredit it to God's covering over her because that is something no wife ever wants to do!