Things I want to tell my dad...: Believing Lies

I keep starting to write to you, then life gets crazy and I come back later...forget where I was going with something...then start over. Let's hope that doesn't happen again. I am off to a rough start as Lucy is in my arms screaming during her typical 5pm fussy time. So this may have horrible grammatical errors, seem scatter-brained, and hardly make sense but I will do my best with what little brain power I have left. hehe
The holidays are in full swing and it's always a love/hate relationship for me. I LOVE the family time, parties with good friends, and the cooler weather. But I am somewhat of a grinch so all the santa, tree, feel good stuff kind of gets on my nerves. I do enjoy the season though aside from those "icky" elements. hehehehe Gift giving is a love language for me but for some reason when I am forced to do it I get overwhelmed and can't think of anything creative, useful, or at least something the person would like. It's quite frustrating! Not to mention with two gift exchanges on either side of the family it's expensive and I hate having to put a price limit on things but unfortunately we are at the point where we have to or we'll go broke in one month flat! haha Not to mention we would like to be able to move in the next year AND open our own studio so I am trying to be very budget conscience which does not come naturally to me, sadly. But I am getting better every month (With the exception of this one haha) and slowly things are evening out. Bryan said he allowed me one year of emotional spending but now I have to cut back and be good. Men. Pfft! All in all I think I have done pretty good this year with gift spending and I tried not to stress about it and just have fun with what I got people. I am almost done, praise the Lord!
   Since I last posted lots has happened! Halloween, Hannukah, Thanksgiving, and 3 special birthdays! Weston turned 9...he's almost to the double digits! What an incredible little boy he is! He has had to endure what no (at the time) 7 year old boy ever should have to go through! But he has proven to be one tough little boy and does his best to go on with life as normal as he possibly can. He told mom recently that he just wants to have a dad and that pretty much tore our hearts into pieces. Mom is doing the best she can to be both people for him, but it is never going to be enough. His little heart will always have that hole for his daddy. I know that God has someone very special to fill that spot for him, so he can one day have a daddy again even if it's not his biological one! He practices basketball everyday and reminds us so much of you...it's a little piece of Heaven on Earth for all of us to see so much of you in him. I thank Jesus for him every day and can see so clearly that God formed him carefully to be his daddy's twin so that we could have that glimpse of you as he grows up. Mommy and Mattie also had birthdays and we enjoyed celebrating them as well! We have gotten lots of use out of the fire pit and enjoyed making s'mores for their birthdays. We went out to mexican food for Mattie's birthday...sadly not Cafe Posada as it has closed. We all miss it a lot...mostly because it was one of your favorite places to eat and the owners knew you well. I will never forget seeing them cry when we told them you had gone to be with Jesus. You impacted more people than you will ever know...or maybe you do! For mommy's birthday we had a nice bbq at your house and Stacey flew into town that day. It was wonderful to have her home and included in our family time. The kids loved seeing their auntie and she got to see Lulu again. While she was here we also went wedding dress shopping for her which was an amazingly difficult and beautiful experience. She looked stunning in EVERY dress she tried on...but you aren't surprised by that. It was so hard for her to pick because she just glowed in everything she wore...but in the end the dress she picked is just so her and so stunning mom and I KNEW it was her dress! Chris is one lucky man and I hope he treasures her as much as her daddy does! Well that brought on the water works...good thing I am not wearing make up or it would all be down my face! We had a celebratory fondue night at the Melting Pot and we all stuffed our faces and had a great time!
   Let's see...your grandkids are all doing well and continuing to bless me and Bryan every day. Colin is an amazing little boy who loves super heros still (Batman and Superman), playing Minecraft with his daddy, building with legos, and testing his abilities at the playground. He is learning more and more in school and I love it when he recites things he remembers. Cecily is still our adorable feisty little lady! She is fully potty trained, doing 100x better in school than she was when we first started, loves playing princesses, barbies, and dressing up as Batgirl and Wonderwoman. She has such a sweet and sensitive spirit it's a joy to watch her grow and use those God given traits. She enjoys singing in the car and having giggle fits with Owen. Speaking of...Owen is as adorable as ever! He loves to get into my bathroom drawer to "put on my deodorant", brush his teeth, put hair product in like daddy, and use a washcloth on his face like mommy and daddy. He is a total copy cat and every day he does something new that just melts my heart and makes me giggle. He loves superheros like his brother but also has a soft spot for sharks, dinosaurs, and giraffes. He loves watching giraffe videos on Youtube and giggles and squeals the whole time saying, "It's a Fraffe!" He too loves to sing and a favorite of his is the muppets song manama na. He is almost 2 and I am disbelief that he can already be that old! Lucy is almost 5 months old and we are enjoying every minute of her! She LOVES attention...and will cry if you are not looking directly at her talking and cooing to/with her. She is almost sitting up entirely on her own, and is now too chubby to roll easily or to fit in the bumbo. I don't know how much she weighs but she is a chunk without a doubt! She is a mommy's girl but slowly is learning that daddy is pretty darn awesome and gives him lots of smiles and giggles.
   Well, now to the heart of the matter...pun intended. I am still in the vicious up and down of grief. It's pretty crazy to me that as the month gets closer to the 13th I automatically start battling a lot of emotions, dreams, and anxiety. The flashbacks become very intense, and the ability to function decreases. I pretty much hit a wall the middle of every month. It's like PMS but different. hehe My head tries to forget my heart just won't let me. Or is it the other way around? I don't know! All I know is it sucks...and I am beginning to think this will always suck! One thing that i've really battled with lately is realizing how many lies I have believed about myself and how they affect my daily life. The biggest one being that I don't have what it takes to be a good wife and mom. I fear that I can't teach them everything they will need to know if I homeschool them. I fear that I am not meeting Bryan's needs as a wife.

^"Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant,equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen."

Hebrew 13:20-21

If He has given me these children, then He has equipped me with everything I need to be the best mom for these precious treasures. If he has given me a wonderful husband He has equipped me with everything I need to be a good wife for him. That is the lie I am currently going to battle over and trying to take those thoughts captive!

"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ"

2 Corinthians 10:5

Well it's time to start dinner and Lucy is still crying in my arms an hour later. Typing with one hand is very tiring and tedious! I'm missing you like crazy and the holidays just aren't the same without you!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Ready for picture overload?

They won't be in order because ain't no body got time for that! hehehe but it's pretty obvious what they are from!
Last night of Hannukah