Things I want to tell my dad...: Being a Single Mom

Bryan left for a trip at the beginning of the week and it was about as difficult as I thought it would be to have him gone. It's not his help I need, it's his presence. He has this ability to calm me down..much the same as the ability you had to calm me down. I can remember so many times when I felt so out of control, sad, frustrated, confused, dejected and all I wanted was to be in my daddy's arms and everything just felt ok. Bryan has that rare affect on me as well and all it takes is him walking in the room and my stress level drops. So needless to say having him gone made for one stressed out momma. Physically I can handle everything without him but emotionally/mentally it's incredibly hard! And the kids KNOW it and took full advantage of that! We survived though and Bryan got home around 3am last night and everything was right again in the Spears house. I always gain a whole new appreciation for single parents when I am on my own like that. It's not like I don't already know they have struggles I don't deal with, it just brings a whole new sense of "how do they do it?!?!" so to speak. Watching mom tackle the daunting task of being a widow has been eye opening. A simple day for her is incredibly complicated because she has no one to share the burden with her. Bills, taxes, broken appliances, chauffeur, discipline, meals, budgeting, vehicle maintenance, feeding pets, doctor appointments, sick kids, everything that needs to get done rests solely on her shoulders. She has no one to bounce ideas off of, help her if she has multiple appointments in one day and can't be in two places at once, reinforce her when kids need correction, and so on. It is all her. Just her. She does have the help of Jesus, and He has been so near and dear to her during all of this, but it's so hard not having that earthly person there for you. I am so humbled and honored to have her as my mom because she really is an incredible lady! (And she helped me out a lot while Bryan was gone so that gives her extra credit!)
Well my house is back in chaos again and I feel so guilty about my inability to keep up with it. I know I am in a stage in life where 4 little kids can trash it faster than I can clean it, but that doesn't really make me feel any better. I hate that Bryan comes home from a long day at work to find a very messy, dirty, cluttered house and instead of just being able to relax he has to help me clean for hours only to have it start again the next day. One thing I have never been good at is starting and sticking to a good routine. Setting and meeting goals has never been my strong point and I struggle deeply with it. I make a list, tell myself "ok THIS time you HAVE to stick with this" and sure enough a month or so later I am right back in my same old habits. I have looked into so many different "House cleaning strategies" and nothing sticks. Nothing works for me. The problem is, I want my whole house clean and laundry done at the same time. I don't want to do one room only to have 5 other rooms messy. It doesn't feel like I accomplished anything. But obviously spending an entire day cleaning my entire house from top to bottom is just not even feasible anymore. I miss the days where I could do it and maintain it, but I wouldn't trade these amazing little mess makers for a clean house.
It's time for some cannolis and a movie with my man! I love you so deeply and I miss you so much it hurts!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Some pictures of our week...

Doing school at Grammie's House

Isn't she sweet?

Cessy trying on her flower girl dress for Auntie's wedding

She learned to smile at the camera...I love it!

Mommy took us to Village Inn for free Pie Night

They were both very interested in the menu

More Lucy smiles!

Dorothy got a bunny name Mabeline.

We slept over at your house one night this week and the kids loved waking up grammie's house. I however only got like 3 hours of sleep thanks to Lucy and Curly.

It was about midnight here and Owen wouldn't go to sleep

So we had a nerf war

Lucy likes sucking on Bryan's sweatshirt strings and one day while on the computer I realized she had reached his sweatshirt that was hanging up and was sucking on the strings!