7th in Heaven

Next week marks the 7th heavenly birthday for our oldest baby! It seems like it was yesterday but somehow also an eternity. Like all trauma in life it is seared into my memory and an experience I will never forget! As a child when I would hear mom talk of a friend who had miscarried I didn't have an understanding of what all that meant. In my childlike mind it was "a tiny baby died, came out (pain free of course), and life moves on". I was completely unaware of the whole spectrum of things that happen during a miscarriage! In some ways ignorance is bliss but truthfully I wish I had been more prepared because it caught me very off guard! I remember like it was yesterday coming home from Wendy Newman's after work and going to use the bathroom. I was surprised to see a certain "sign" because everything had gone smoothly up until that point. I called my midwife and she reassured me it can be normal to have that happen so try not to freak out. It continued for the next 2 days but stayed minimal so I tried to just keep myself busy to get my mind off of it. By the next evening though I wasn't feeling right and I just knew he was gone. The 3rd day I woke up and it was painfully obvious I had lost him. What should have been the first week of my second trimester was instead a week of grief and tears. That day I experienced physical pain unlike anything I have ever experienced before even up until now! Just trying to imagine it makes me sick to my stomach again and makes my heart race! Adding to it to the emotional trauma and it makes for a life experience I will never forget! After about 3 hours of the worst pain of my life I literally cried out to Jesus telling Him I couldn't do it anymore and I needed it to stop! I almost had Bryan call an ambulance, which shows how bad I felt because I HATE hospitals! True to His grace though, within minutes of that cry He calmed my body down, the pain ceased, and I fell into a DEEP sleep. I woke up hours later to Bryan sitting next to me ask me how I was feeling. I told him I was glad that was over and I never wanted to go through that again! I had no idea at the time how deeply that impacted him, until I came across a journal entry he had written a few months later. Watching his new wife in that much pain was just as much a nightmare for him as it was for me. He felt so completely helpless and heartbroken! That evening Candee came over and brought us dinner and grieved with us. She was just leaving when I felt the weirdest sensation...I needed to push. I told Bryan in a panicked voice (I thought I had already had the baby and just didn't know) "something is going to come out!" as I ran to the bathroom. Moments later little Geoffrey Owen came out. Bryan picked him up and had him in the palm of his hand. That imagine is something I think of often because it's the only time I got to see my baby here on Earth. His dark little eyes through his eyelids, teeny tiny arms and legs curled up. He was perfect! We had contemplated what to do with him because I wasn't far enough to cremate him but throwing him away just seemed...wrong. My best friend went and bought us a little wooden box and we put him inside and buried him in the back yard. We also had to buy a shovel because we didn't own one and I remember Bryan commenting on how it was the worst reason to need to buy a shovel. His hands were covered in blisters by the time he finished digging in the hard AZ dirt, but he didn't care. We buried him with a stuffed animal we had received when we first found out we were expecting, and notes from both of us. We came inside, sat down on the couch, and for the first time since the whole experience began, Bryan broke down and sobbed. Seeing your big, strong, husband sob like that as he looked at the blisters on his hands and the dirt on his clothing was heart wrenching. That moment was so necessary for our marriage though! It made us see a side of each other that we never would have seen otherwise. We were able to grieve together and to cry out to God together, and He met us where we were and gave us both a beautiful peace. We knew this loss was Heaven's gain and one day we would meet the baby we buried too soon. The months following were hard...I had times of being angry, grief when a friend announced they were expecting, and sadness when the babies due at the same time he would have been were born. God gave us a beautiful gift after that pain though in the form of Colin. I am forever grateful and humbled by His goodness during that dark time. That whole experience also gave me an even greater desire to fight for the unborn! If our little guy looked like that at only 13 weeks....how could someone purposely kill him/her?! They're told they aren't a "human" yet and that they can't feel anything. Oh how deceitful the enemy is! He had LIFE, his heart had a beat at one time, he had arms and legs, and he had EYES though his lids were still closed. He was/is a PERSON. Just because he was wanted didn't make him more of a person than a baby who is unwanted. Not even close! My deepest desire is for women to understand the immense GIFT of a child at all times, in any physical condition, in any circumstance. It's not always an easy path, but how many women have missed out on the beautiful treasure God had given them because they let fear/doubt creep in?
 Well daddy, that got long, but I guess I needed to get that off my chest! My kids are now asking to go to a park so I think I will oblige since the weather is perfect! I love you and miss you so! Please give my boy a kiss from me and tell him Happy Birthday from his mommy and daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Psalm 139:13

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.