What I am Not

Hello my dear daddy! As usual you are missed greatly and the kids talk of you daily and ask to see your pictures or feel your fingerprint on my necklace. We have many talks of Heaven and recently Colin has been very curious about what his soul is and why he has one. It has been so neat to get to share Jesus with him and to see his little heart processing it all. Cecily too has been thinking about Jesus and why she needs Him and she asked if she could talk with me and daddy about inviting Him into her heart. Sweet times indeed and ones I have been praying for in their lives! God is so faithful!
  Recently I came across something that spoke very loudly to me because it's exactly what my human heart is very prone to doing. It simply read, "Don't spend time focusing on what you are not, instead focus on what you ARE." I am my worst critic. I, admittedly, spend most of my day beating myself up about what I am not, that it cripples me to be the best at the things He did create me to be. The enemy likes to frequently remind me that I am slacking in many areas others around me excel in and it somehow makes me feel like I then fail at everything because I am not good at these other areas. I fall prey to this mentality more times than I would like to admit.
I am not the mom who makes her kids lunch to match what they are learning in school.
I am not the mom that can keep her house immaculate anymore.
I am not goal oriented.
I don't think of writing love notes to leave in Bryan's backpack until after he leaves...then it's too late. It's the thought that counts in that situation, right?
I don't get up for my kids birthdays and make them this wonderful birthday breakfast and decorate their room.
I can't garden to save my life, the only thing I can keep alive are children.
I am not good at change, even if that change would make my life easier. (Things like different laundry schedule. Cleaning schedule. Getting up early to accomplish things BEFORE the kid wake up. Etc.)
I am not motivated to do all the projects that I have swirling around in my head.
The list goes on!
As I type them out, it seems so silly to let things like that define me, but they do. I feel so guilty about falling short in these areas, and yet deep down I know it's ok to not be the "jack of all trades". The mom's that I idolize that in my mind have it ALL, have their own areas of weakness. I just don't see them. It's so easy for me to just assume they are the epitome of what it means to be an excellent wife, mom, and friend, yet they have their own struggles and imperfections. So my resolve is to quit focusing on what I am not and focus on what I am. God made me with exactly what I need to be Carley Spears and trying to become someone I am not is foolishness. It's not to say I don't have areas I need to grow in...but the things I beat myself up on are not things that will further my walk with the Lord, they are simply a worldly comparison to those around me and that is...well sinful!
  Time to catch you up your grandkids! Colin is creeping up to my height slowly but surely! We have had a rough time lately but I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel...for this stage. He is doing amazing in school and Math seems to be his thing. He gets 100% on all his tests with no help from me. He loves to learn...though he would deny that...and is always inquiring about things around him that he sees, hears, etc. Cecily is also growing like crazy right now and trying to catch up to her brother! She is also doing well in school but math is not her strong point! haha She is still running on Cecily time and does things at her own pace. A character trait that we are learning to just love and embrace because it's who she is...we will however have to forewarn her future husband because he will need to allow a loooot more time to get out of the house than he thinks! haha She still loves princesses and all things pink but can get dirty with her brothers and throw mud with the best of em! Owen is amazing us everyday with his clear vocabulary and understanding of what is going on around him. His imagination is starting to really take off and he comes up with the funniest little stories when he is playing! I love just sitting and listening to him while he plays or talking to him about dinosaurs, sharks, superheros, and so on. He is a mommy's boy and is constantly complimenting me, kissing me, and just giving me smiles from across the room. Lucy is a sweet, feisty little gal! Her personality is blossoming every day and she is always making Bryan and I laugh at her antics. She knows her mind, and if you get in her way or tell her no she will let you know she is unhappy in the most dramatic way possible! That usually means throwing herself on the floor and screaming at the top of her lungs. She also loves to climb...anything...and everything! We usually find her on the table, chair, desk, beds, etc. If she thinks it's dangerous, she wants to do it! She is by far my most independent child! She does not want help, and if you try, she will get angry. Recently we thought she just didn't like her dinner...turned out she didn't like Bryan feeding it to her, she wanted to do it herself! She happily ate the whole plate when allowed to feed herself. I take this as both a good and bad thing! haha
 Well that about it wraps it up! We are enjoying the holiday season and spent tonight at Zoolights. I love the family time and being able to see people we don't usually get to see! They do however remind me very deeply who is missing...and I find myself having dreams of you nightly. I never want to wake up but sadly I do. I guess I will appreciate being able to "see" you if just in my dreams! I love and miss you dearly!
Your favorite Second Born,
Carley
My laptop won't let me add pics so I will have to add them later!