Sticks and Stones

Hello from your very tired, very frustrated daughter. The last few weeks have been really challenging for many reasons. God must be really ironing out some major wrinkles in my character because I am feeling very stretched. For starters we are battling a lot of disobedience in Colin and it's been a very mentally and emotionally {sometimes physically} exhausting few weeks. I honestly miss being able to just enjoy him, and not dread every encounter with him because I know it will result in a battle of some kind. I have been pouring hours and hours of prayer into what his heart is battling and I feel like He has given me some glimpses of what is going on that little heart and mind. Dad, I don't know how you mom did this with 7 of us?! If it were a simple, "Don't do that." or "Obey" it wouldn't be so bad, but I learned what you and mom knew all along, addressing the outward behavior only does so much good, you have to get to the heart of the matter and help them become who God wants them to be. With that comes major opposition from the enemy who would love to see me fail as a mom and Colin fall into a pattern of sin. It's so monotonous sometimes to feel like we are back where we started with some of these issues but I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel and I pray I can hang in there until then! haha
  The other frustration I have is people's need to try to tell us how many children we should or shouldn't have. I don't care how many they have, so why do they need to tell me how many we should have? Last I checked they're not raising them, paying for them, or carrying/pushing them out. It's even more hurtful when it comes from friends or family. I know "people like us" are a strange kind of person, and it goes against modern train of thought to have more than 2-3 kids, but come on they are kids not parasites!!! Each one of these little people are so incredibly precious and I can't imagine not having them here! I only wish you could be here to get to know them too. I had a nice cry fest about it the other night, it's so unfair to me while some people take it for granted they are still here to see my children, you would have been over the moon excited for each one...from 1 to 20. You always encouraged me and Bryan in our conviction about family and set that example in real life. Something I am deeply grateful for!!! So the lesson I am learning here is that ultimately it doesn't matter what other people think of me or how many kids we have, all we are called to do is live by the very deep-rooted conviction He gave us and He will bless us for walking in Faith and Conviction. I wish I could say sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, but so far it still stings deeply when people say things about our family. I personally can handle it and chalk it up to silly/thoughtless comments, but when the kids hear it, it hurts my heart that they are getting the idea in their head that they are somehow "weird" an "inconvenience" or from a family of "freaks". Colin is pretty perceptive and has picked up on a few times, and those were hard conversations but he understood...as much as a 6 year old can. I guess I just need to get thicker skin or have some really solid come backs. hehe I can remember many of yours and they always made us giggle as kids and showed us how much you adored and wanted us.
  Well I better get to bed! I gotta get up bright and early to clean out the van! It somehow managed to become a hoarding buried alive vehicle! Ugh!
 I love you, miss you, and anxiously await the day I get to see you again!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Tamara did some family pictures this year for the Spears...here are a few of your favorite grandkids!