Segfault-ing

Time is something I seem to always be racing against these days! I swear I just wrote to you and suddenly it's a full month later and I am just now catching my breathe! Bryan and I have had a few discussions lately in regards to "How I am doing?" and this man never ceases to amaze me at how well he knows me. For the last nearly 2 years (has it been that long?! yikes!) I have struggled to figure out who I am with my dad gone and how this whole grief process has "rewired" my brain. I knew it had, but for some reason I could not pinpoint what exactly had changed. I knew I couldn't function the same as before. I knew my thought processes had changed from before. But I could not make sense of the mess inside of me. Well, the engineer inside Bryan just had to figure out what was going on inside my head. He spent a year just letting me be, and helping me along the way, figuring all the while I would eventually go back to how I was before watching you die. As time has gone on, he realized I was not going back to "Carley" and he was really struggling with how to help me because the ways that USED to help were no longer effective, they just pushed me away. One day it occurred to him (this will be in computer terms as he described it to me. He's so hot when he talks nerdy to me! ahahaha) that I used to be multi-threaded aka I could multi-talk easily. I could jump from thing to thing and not lose pace or get frustrated. Example: While making lunch the old Carley could make lunch with a screaming baby on my hip, fighting adolescents (probably over where they are sitting at the table), and a toddler trying to "help" but in reality just making it more chaotic, without even getting flustered. The new Carley ends up screaming over all of them to shut up because I can't think straight and grow increasingly frustrated with the toddler underfoot and end up in tears because the baby needs to nurse at the exact moment the rest of the kids need to eat and I have yet to eat anything for the day because my breakfast got stolen...twice. I then completely mentally shut down and (what Bryan called segfault-ing) spend the rest of my day in a totally emotional state and don't get anything done except cry a lot and yell at my poor children. It pretty much was a light bulb moment when he told me his "findings" because it is exactly what happens to me! It seemed so simple and DUH when he said it, but for some reason I couldn't understand WHY I couldn't do what I USED to do. I felt like I was broken...and I've heard many times along this journey that when going through a trauma like this your brain literally "rewires" and even your handwriting changes. But this just caught me off guard because I felt like I should have been back to "normal" by now. However, I have now come to the conclusion that this is normal. Sure I will function better as time goes on, but I better get used to being single-threaded and segfault-ing easily because that is just how I am wired now. I can't handle chaos. And that will just have to be ok. Sooooo with all of that we had to sit down and take a very serious look at my "load" and what things I can cut out in order to segfault less. (I just like that word!) I am stepping down from teaching at Beautiful Feet for this up coming semester, I am cutting back on what I agree to take on (parties, outings, etc), admitting when I need help, ask for it, and ACCEPT it, I got a fantastic mommy helper who comes once a week to watch the kids while I clean, and I am learning that I need to stay on top of things BEFORE it becomes chaotic so that I don't shut down. Chaos used to fuel me...I did some of my greatest work in chaos, now it stuns me and leaves me unable to accomplish anything. Not good when you have 4 little ones to look after! I have had to ask for grace from friends and family for falling short on many occasions in recent months, so hopefully they will forgive me! It's a very humbling experience to not be able to be the "Type A" personality I used to be...but I guess Type B isn't all that bad! hehehehe
   We do have some new things that God has put in our paths and the timing is kind of funny because we were NOT expecting it and were quite comfortable where we were at...but when He says "It's time" It's time! I can't make a formal announcement yet...but soon I can! I do not do well with change (refer back to the precious paragraph) but I have such a peace about where He is leading us and what He is doing with our family. I am very excited to see what the next year or so has in store!
  Well the kids are needing baths and bed so I will close this out! I have so much more to tell you and update you on...mom's wedding plans, Stacey's wedding plans, the kids continual growth, the list goes on. But I guess it will have to wait for another time!
I love you and my heart aches to see you again!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

 For the first time as a mom I broke out the pack n play so I could get stuff done.

 Love his little personality!

 Lucy had some health issues so here we are waiting at Cardon's Childrens hospital for some tests. She did great...I am traumatized. Everything turned out fine and it was just a simple UTI with no further complications!

 We planted some spring flowers! The first time in 7 years I have every done that!

 Stacey came in town for a bridal shower and we all went to the new Cheddar's for dinner.

 Cessy turned 4 last week and she couldn't be happier!

 We went on our traditional Chompie's date

 In April it was already swimming weather! Ugh!

 Owen however did not like the feeling of the mesh underwear and cried hysterically for 30 minutes...

 Homeschool field trip to the IDEA museum!

 This is Lucy's camera face. I LOVE it!

 Exhausted mommy but I wouldn't have it any other way!

 More camera face

 She's my love!

 After all that posing she was tuckered out and fell asleep on Auntie!

 Tim's dad sent Colin this fun water/oil toy. He loves it!

 I got a new dishwasher because mine broke! I got Bryan to get the latest model...it's amazing how you can talk an engineer into the better appliance because it's "Made with metal not plastic parts"

 Grammie getting lots of love from the kids. (Yes Owen was in a Princess pull up...we ran out of diapers! bahaha)

 Your Wayne JR turned 18...not sure how to feel about this but I am happy he made it this far! lol

 Lucy enjoying the festivities

 That's the bets smile you get out of Wayne (unless you're a girl he likes)

 Mommy is glad he finally 18 and responsible for his own actions now. bahaha

 My blue eyed girl!

 After an exhausting day at the mall...Owen walked in and fell asleep on the floor hahaha

 I am having some health issues of my own and one of those came with the need to carry an epi pen....here is my trainer. Bryan thoroughly enjoyed jabbing it into my thigh!

Growing by 1

This letter to you is one I've tried to imagine myself writing for months now. But no matter how many times I've run it through my head it never seems to convey my true feelings....so I guess I'll just say it, mom and Tim got engaged on Saturday! It was the news I've waited to hear and also the news that officially brings a new chapter to our family's life. Which goes without saying, brings mixed feelings! I'm absolutely thrilled for both of them and I couldn't have picked a better man for mom if I tried! Bryan made the comment that he's so glad it's Tim because he can't think of anyone else he would trust with mom's heart or to be a great father to the little ones you left behind. And I echo his feelings! I don't think I could "let mom go" to anyone with out any reservations unless it was Tim. I trust him completely and I know he will treat the kids as his own and cherish mom as she so deserves. Colin said upon hearing the news that grandma was going to marry Tim said, "but grandma is married to grandpa...she can't marry Tim" I told him that once (you) passed away you were no longer married to grammie, to which he replied, "oh well that stinks." He is very excited though and talked Tim's ear off for about an hour. Cecily just adores him and follows him around gently patting him whenever she can. A few weeks ago she had a grammie sleepover and when she woke up she said, "where did Tim sleep?" Mom laughed and said at his house. I think she was a little sad he wasn't there.
    And just like that a new beginning is upon us. If someone would have told me 5 years ago that I would lose my dad to cancer, my sister and mom would be engaged at the same time, and my kids would call someone other than you grandpa I would have said they were crazy. Yet here we are! God works in amazing ways and this couldn't have been orchestrated any more beautiful! He truly gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, and peace for despair.
  Pretty much every person I've told (all of 3 people so far haha) including Bryan asked how I felt about it. I find that a funny and loaded question. Obviously the fact that my mom is marrying someone else because my dad died is not going to be a "YAY!!!" feeling but that does not mean it takes away from my incredible excitement for mom and Tim! Mom went through hell and back after losing you and if anyone deserves a second chance at finding love again, it is her! I can see in her eyes the same twinkle I saw when she looked at you...for that I am incredibly thankful! Weston adores him and mom even found a card he wrote that said his favorite things were something along the lines of  "the rock shop, food, hiking, basketball, and Tim". He so desperately needed a daddy and I can't thank Him enough that he didn't make Weston wait years and years to have that "position" filled. Tim has brought back what our family was missing. So my feelings are pure joy on this new chapter and reflections as I look back on the old one{s}. It helps that he also got all of us girls pearl earrings as our "proposal" gift. The guys however felt a little left out and teased Tim he should have gotten them all Tablets. hehe
   Well the story of their engagement is kind of funny because it didn't really go exactly how Tim had planned but the day was a rocky one so he had to improvise. It started for mom at 3am with her going out to do irrigation and discovering that her water heater was leaking all over. So instead of going to the air show like planned Tim took Weston and mom stayed back to wait for the guy to come fix it. She threw some dinner in the crock pot and waited until they got home. Apparently Tim wanted all of us there but I had already told mom I was cooking for us so I didn't take the invite for dinner (oops) and then Weston got invited over for a sleepover. Tim tried to tell mom he wanted the kids all at dinner without mom getting suspicious but it wasn't easy. He did manage to get all of the "regulars" there but before he could pop the question with all of them at the table they got up and went to finish painting Dorothy's room. So he decided to just press on (poor guy!) and told mom he had gotten her something on Amazon. He handed her a box and inside was a travel guide for Scotland. They have been talking about going there someday so it wasn't a surprise to mom. Little did she know what was inside of it...she started flipping through not even realizing the middle had been cut out and the ring was inside. Before she knew it Tim was on one knee and asked the girls to come back in the room. So he asked her to marry him and of course you can assume mom said yes!! I got a text with a picture of a ring and I was so excited I shrieked! We went over there and enjoyed some champagne with them and watched what else but Scooby Doo per Colin's request. It was a beautiful night and even though it didn't go exactly to Tim's plan...he is a trooper and just went with it! So now he is in for the long haul and just like that he has an insta-family!!!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

 Tim's dad is so faithful to write mommy, here is one of his letters...she enjoys reading them with her morning tea!

 On a hike

 Tim braved his first trip to NM to visit mommy's parents two weeks ago...he asked grandpa for permission to marry mommy and grandma was able to keep it a secret!!

 My beautiful earrings!

Being a Single Mom

Bryan left for a trip at the beginning of the week and it was about as difficult as I thought it would be to have him gone. It's not his help I need, it's his presence. He has this ability to calm me down..much the same as the ability you had to calm me down. I can remember so  many times when I felt so out of control, sad, frustrated, confused, dejected and all I wanted was to be in my daddy's arms and everything just felt ok. Bryan has that rare affect on me as well and all it takes is him walking in the room and my stress level drops. So needless to say having him gone made for one stressed out momma. Physically I can handle everything without him but emotionally/mentally it's incredibly hard! And the kids KNOW it and took full advantage of that! We survived though and Bryan got home around 3am last night and everything was right again in the Spears house. I always gain a whole new appreciation for single parents when I am on my own like that. It's not like I don't already know they have struggles I don't deal with, it just brings a whole new sense of "how do they do it?!?!" so to speak. Watching mom tackle the daunting task of being a widow has been eye opening. A simple day for her is incredibly complicated because she has no one to share the burden with her. Bills, taxes, broken appliances, chauffeur, discipline, meals, budgeting, vehicle maintenance, feeding pets, doctor appointments, sick kids, everything that needs to get done rests solely on her shoulders. She has no one to bounce ideas off of, help her if she has multiple appointments in one day and can't be in two places at once, reinforce her when kids need correction, and so on. It is all her. Just her. She does have the help of Jesus, and He has been so near and dear to her during all of this, but it's so hard not having that earthly person there for you. I am so humbled and honored to have her as my mom because she really is an incredible lady! (And she helped me out a lot while Bryan was gone so that gives her extra credit!)
    Well my house is back in chaos again and I feel so guilty about my inability to keep up with it. I know I am in a stage in life where 4 little kids can trash it faster than I can clean it, but that doesn't really make me feel any better. I hate that Bryan comes home from a long day at work to find a very messy, dirty, cluttered house and instead of just being able to relax he has to help me clean for hours only to have it start again the next day. One thing I have never been good at is starting and sticking to a good routine. Setting and meeting goals has never been my strong point and I struggle deeply with it. I make a list, tell myself "ok THIS time you HAVE to stick with this" and sure enough a month or so later I am right back in my same old habits. I have looked into so many different "House cleaning strategies" and nothing sticks. Nothing works for me. The problem is, I want my whole house clean and laundry done at the same time. I don't want to do one room only to have 5 other rooms messy. It doesn't feel like I accomplished anything. But obviously spending an entire day cleaning my entire house from top to bottom is just not even feasible anymore. I miss the days where I could do it and maintain it, but I wouldn't trade these amazing little mess makers for a clean house.
  It's time for some cannolis and a movie with my man! I love you so deeply and I miss you so much it hurts!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Some pictures of our week...

Doing school at Grammie's House

 Isn't she sweet?

 Cessy trying on her flower girl dress for Auntie's wedding

 She learned to smile at the camera...I love it!

 Mommy took us to Village Inn for free Pie Night

 They were both very interested in the menu

 More Lucy smiles!

 Dorothy got a bunny name Mabeline.

 We slept over at your house one night this week and the kids loved waking up grammie's house. I however only got like 3 hours of sleep thanks to Lucy and Curly.

 It was about midnight here and Owen wouldn't go to sleep

 So we had a nerf war

 Lucy likes sucking on Bryan's sweatshirt strings and one day while on the computer I realized she had reached his sweatshirt that was hanging up and was sucking on the strings!

 We've gotten so much rain today and the kids had a blast playing in it!

 Cessy practicing her balancing act!

 Owen is a man now...complete with a beard that requires shaving