Our growing Family

  It has been way too long since I wrote but you haven't been out of my thoughts for more than a minute at a time. I don't even know where to start to catch you up so I guess I will start with the most exciting part...your Stacey Jo became Mrs. Choate! She is obviously overjoyed and I am delighted to see her so happy! She was the beautiful, radiant, and stunning bride that we all expected and I bawled through giving her toast. We all knew something...rather someone was missing during that event and it definietly made it a bittersweet day! Mommy walked her down the aisle and danced with her for her first dance, a position that should have been filled by her daddy...you. As I stood up there and watched her walk down I literally had to hold back tears...part tears of joy and part tears of sadness. Remembering the moment that you walked me down the aisle and how special that was and knowing that you weren't there for that moment with your Stacey was just...heart wrenching. No words can truly cover the range of emotions we all felt that day! It was absolute joy and deep pain all wrapped up into one long awaited day! Stacey was an absolute rock star though and handled it all with grace and joy! I don't know that I would have been quite so calm but she was the picture of God's divine grace. Chris cried through his vows...something I don't think I will ever let such a manly man live down. But to see him cry while saying his vows to my sister is also the sweetest thing to me. I know he loves her with everything in him and that is such a treasure to see! I wish you were here to meet him but maybe God has already told you all about him!? Some of the ladies from your office came and I know that meant SO much to Stacey! She really appreciated the love and support from everyone there!
  We also added a new member to the Spears family which was kind of last minute but I am so happy we did! We got a beautiful Golden Retriever named Mollie. She is adorable and the kids just love her to pieces! Owen currently prefers to provoke her into nipping at him but we are working on that! haha Cecily reacts much the same as her mommy did as a child and screams, runs, and jumps to the nearest, highest object if the dog gets anywhere near her. Once Mollie calms down a bit I know they will be buds! Lucy and Mollie are two peas in a pod and we often find them together causing mischief. Like eating my decorations, pulling stuff out of the trash, spreading my laundry all over the floor, and eating crap off the kitchen floor. They will have a very special bond, I can tell! Colin is taking to his roll of "Master" very nicely and takes her outside to do her business and cleans up after her. He loves to play tug of war with her and she follows him around like....well a puppy! We all find it funny that just over 2 years after you die we now have 2 dogs in the family! Who would have thought?! Curly is still pretty unsure of her when we bring her over but they are learning to get along nicely. Curly just doesn't like sharing Weston and often looks at him with a look of, "Don't you dare cheat on me!" when he goes to play with Mollie! It's pretty funny to see such jealously coming from another dog!
  Your grandbabies are growing up...fast! Colin is nearly 6 and Lucy will be 1 in a matter of weeks. I feel like I can't blink for fear they will be all grown up! We are enjoying our break from school and they are doing swim lessons with grammie Candee. It took a while for them to warm up to it...the first week was screeeeeaming that could be heard for miles! Now only Owen screams and the other two are ok. Colin is even beginning to swim across the pool by himself! I am so proud of him! Cecily is still a little too...dainty in her kicking to get very far but she is learning! haha Owen is too busy clinging to Candee to try to swim but he's learning some basic water survival skills...so I will take it!
  Now on to me, today was hard. It was one of those days where I just didn't like the reality that I haven't gotten to see or talk to you in over 2 years and counting. How can that possibly be?! I talked to someone recently who said that they felt like the 3rd year was the hardest because your mind has really come to grasp what has happened instead of being in the fog of grief. I have to say I find that to be a little true. But I am hopeful that after this year it will start to become less painful...I hope! I don't want your memory to fade yet I want the pain to fade...however I know the pain is there because the loss was great! I visited your grave today for the first time by myself. I just sat there and cried. I wanted to "talk" to you but nothing would come out, just tears. I looked around at all the new graves that have been dug and filled since we buried you and my heart just ached. So much loss, so much hurt, so much pain, and the only one who can truly heal that hurt is Jesus. Knowing that some of those people didn't have the Hope I have was so overwhelming! How do they do it? I will never know!
Owen is now beside me asking me to lay down with him so I am going to go snuggle my boy! I will leave you with some pictures. You are greatly missed and deeply loved!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Our trip begun! 20 hours there and 20 hours back!

 We had a family day to Silver Dollar City

 Game time at the loft

 Bachlorette party!

 Wedding day!

 Your beautiful Stacey!

 Mommy and Stacey dancing together...a beautiful and difficult moment!

 This is how I had to ride in the car to keep Lucy happy

 Some delicious Braums ice cream!

 Playtime at GG and G-cube's house!

 Miguel came for a visit to see us!

 Meet Mollie!

 Double trouble!

 We celebrated our 7th anniversary at the Compass room! Can you believe it has been 7 years?!

 He gets hotter every year! bahaha

 A rare Cecily and Mollie bonding moment

 She loves smoothies!

 Mollie was trying to nap...they were trying to wake her up!

 A little tug of war!

 Naptime buddies

 Our little visit today looked like this.

Awareness and Overcoming

Cecily was only a new 2 year old when you passed away...truthfully I didn't think she would remember much about the experience and up until the last few weeks I was convinced she didn't really get it/remember. Well, something in her little head clicked and she is finding the words to express her perspective on her grandpa dying. It must be in her sub-conscience that your 2 year heavenly birthday is approaching because with no prompting she talks about you constantly. She says things like, "Grandpa Tim isn't in heaven like Grandpa Wayne." or "Grandpa Wayne died, and was in a box, and his eyes were closed." "Grandpa Wayne went up to heaven on an elevator." "Does Grandpa Wayne have his cell phone in his pocket? We should call him and tell him to back now, grammie, Weston, Mattie, Colin, and I miss him." "Grammie is marrying grandpa Tim because Grandpa Wayne died and can't come back." These conversations just kind of come up randomly and actually "seeing" her little mind process what has happened never ceases to bring a lump to my throat and a tug at my heart. Mommy's bunny Fiona passed away a few weeks ago and now she says that "Fona is with Grandpa Wayne and Jesus now!" Knowing that all of this was trapped up in her head is kind of crazy to me. I never really talked about it with her because I didn't think she needed to process it. Colin made it very clear he needed help and support but she seemed blissfully unaware of the pain of losing her grandpa. Little did I know she was very aware that her Grandpa is no longer here and misses him just like the rest of us. Tim has been such a blessing to her and I am beyond grateful that she has found that connection with him. She adores him and just giggles at everything he says! I am pretty sure she has a 4 year old's kind of crush on him! I know God brought Tim for mom's sake, but I am certain it was also just as much for the grandkids you left behind!

As your 2 year Entrance to the Heavenlies approaches I am filled with mixed emotions. The last 3 weeks or so have been so hard because quite a few people around me have lost loved ones in very tragic situations. The kind that no one expects or prepares for. Not that you can ever prepare for death, but in the case of illness you have at least an idea that the end can be drawing near. These were situations that no one saw coming, and just knock the wind out of you! Since your death I had only been able to go to two other funerals. I have felt so guilty everytime I passed up the opportunity to go and support someone during such a horrific time, but truthfully the pain was so intense I couldn't find the courage to go. Last week I finally overcame that fear and went to support a family that lost their boy in an unimaginable tragedy! I sat there the whole time just suppressing every urge to feel sick and fall to pieces. Knowing exactly what that family was feeling...and knowing they were feeling it so much deeper was intense/overwhelming...but it also allowed me to pray for them in a way I would have never known how before 2 years ago. It was a huge step for me to be able to go and feel myself moving forward and most importantly healing.

Your grandbabies are getting bigger everyday! Colin is growing like a weed and catching up to Weston (who is also growing like a weed and looks just like his daddy) and will be doing 1st-2nd grade this year. He loves superheros, playing games with Bryan, helping with Lucy, filling up water balloons, swimming, helping me cook, and talking. Cecily is still the same little princess she always has been...but with a little more "grossness". She tends to announce her bathroom encounters LOUDLY at restaurants or parties, finds gas hilarious, and washing her hands is optional. We are working on all these things. hehe Owen is seriously adorable and you would find him as irresistible as we do! His vocabulary has exploded recently and he says the funniest things! He sings Let it Go and the alphabet all day long, and is still obsessed with sharks, dinos, and Batman. Lucy is almost walking and as cute as a button. She adores all the attention that gets lathered on her all day, and thanks to my essential oils is finally sleeping really well at night. Now if only her brothers would quit having nightmares I would actually get a decent night sleep! Bryan is loving his new job and finding it a fun challenge! I love seeing him excited about work and feeling like his brains are being put to good use! I am the same as usual....beautifully struggling to be the best mom and wife I can be with lots of failures along the way. I am thankful for what HE says I am, and that my worth isn't determined by how much I get done in one day because if it was I'd fail daily! I miss you terribly and 2 years later it still stings like it did the day you passed away! We will be celebrating you with a graveside breakfast of donuts and bagels on Friday...I will bring some more orange balloons for the kids to release. In their little minds grandpa gets the balloons they send up!
I love you and miss you more than ever!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Endless Hallelujah

While sitting in church today I happened to be sitting in "your" row. I hadn't really thought much of it because we have sat there many times since you passed but suddenly the song Endless Hallelujah started playing. Just singing the first few words immediately brought a lump to my (already) lumpy throat. I glanced down the row to the seat you usually sat in which was occupied by someone else and I imagined you standing there...read hair, hands raised up in the air, eyes closed, singing your heart out to your King. It was way more than I could handle I broke down in tears. The song goes like this:

When I stand before Your throne
Dressed in glory not my own
What a joy I'll sing of on that day
No more tears or broken dreams
Forgotten is the minor key
Everything as it was meant to be
[Chorus]
And we will worship, worship
Forever in Your presence we will sing
We will worship, worship You
And endless hallelujah to the King
I will see You as You are
Love You with unsinning heart
And see how much You paid to bring me home
Not till then, Lord, shall I know
Not till then, how much I owe
Everything I am before Your throne
[Chorus]
And we will worship, worship
Forever in Your presence we will sing
We will worship, worship You
And endless hallelujah to the King
No more tears, no more shame
No more sin and sorrow ever known again
No more fears, no more pain
We will see You face to face
See You face to face
[Chorus x2]
And we will worship, worship
Forever in Your presence we will sing
We will worship, worship You
And endless hallelujah to the King
And endless hallelujah to the King
We'll sing
And endless hallelujah to the King 

In that moment all I could think about was the fact that you were doing just that...standing in front of Him...singing an endless hallelujah. No pain. No guilt. No shame. It made me so happy for you, yet incredibly sad that I was unable to worship with you there too. 

   I don't have too long to update as I am in the middle of ballet stuff for our Spring recital, but it has been a bit of a crazy week. I ended up at Urgent care twice and the last time it was for pain and swelling in my throat. I am now fairly certain my thyroid is acting up, so hopefully I can get it back to normal soon. A constant feeling of pain, swelling, and food caught in your throat is really annoying!

Love and miss you!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

9 months old and growing!

 Lucy loved the therapy ball at her Auntie's moms house

 Owen was the life of the party today!