Barely Breathing

Yes, I know, those are song lyrics, but it seemed an appropriate title. A year ago tonight we had just left your house...we decided to put the kids to bed since we weren't sure exactly how much longer you had. I kept my phone on my hand and stared at it for the next hour or so...time was standing still yet moving at the speed of a bullet. The hospice nurse who had been there that afternoon after you gave us a scare said you could hang on for a few more days or you could go that night. As the day went on though, we all just knew you were at the end. We had all prayed that God would take you peacefully and quickly because you had suffered long enough...though selfishly we wanted more time with you. I ache so badly to go back to those final hours and just sit with you...hold your hand...and be near to you. After only being home for a short time Stacey called me and said that your breathing had changed and it was time to come back. My heart fell to my stomach and I immediately got Bryan, we packed the sleepy kids up and headed back. I will never forget that drive. I just stared out the window, wishing...hoping...praying this was all a nightmare and any minute I would wake up. Was I really driving to your house to spend your last few moments with you? Would God heal you or take you home? Stuck in this weird place of hope and fear my chest felt like it was being crushed by the weight of the earth and I could barely breath. The air felt like it was being sucked out of me....if I could even get a breath at all. I tried my best to stay in the room the 2 hours we had left with you but watching your breaths become fewer and fewer was causing my own breath to speed up. I felt like I needed to breathe for you...like somehow it would help. I paced in and out trying to wrap my mind around what was happening, it was the closest thing I can describe as an out of body experience. There was a good sized group of prayer warriors outside who came to be there for you and for us in those final hours. It was such a precious things to us to see how loved we were (are) and that even in that dark night we weren't alone. If we bottled the amount of tears shed by everyone that night...we could fill a lake! And I am pretty sure if we bottled the last years worth it would fill an ocean!

You yourself have kept track of my misery.
    Put my tears into your bottle—
    aren’t they on your scroll already?

Psalm 56:8

 

 God had us wrapped so tightly in His grace, peace, and comfort, I look back and think "How did we survive that night?!" There are few things that cause Carley to be speechless and watching you die is one of them. I can't even describe it, I can't put into words the pain, beauty, anguish, heartache, peace, and grace that was felt that night. It literally leaves me without words.

   So here we are a year later...still having ups and down...today being a total down. At around 3pm my emotions came crashing down and I texted Bryan (couldn't even call I was sobbing so hard) that he needed to come home. I could no longer bottle in grief I had felt all day...so being the wonderful hubby he is, he came right home. Without any words he just layed next to me, put his arms around me and let me continue sobbing. After I had gotten my tears under control...well as controlled as they have been today...he asked if I wanted to just go do something fun tonight but truthfully fun seems like the farthest thing in my mind right now. So instead I opted for the 2.5 hour nap and we had pancakes with fruit and whipped cream for dinner. The kids didn't nap (again) so our evening was filled with lots of tears from the little guys too but since I am crying all the time I can't really get upset with them. They are all peacefully sleeping and Colin is excited to go to your grave tomorrow. Mom is going to have the lady at Mariposa Gardens put a banana peel on the grave for him to find, and we are going to release memory lanterns in your honor. It will be a sweet and difficult evening for all of us but those difficult things are often the most healing.

  Well I am reaching the end of my ability to think tonight. It goes without saying that this year has been the hardest of my life and not a day goes by where I don't wish I could see you again here on earth! I love you, miss you, and know that Heaven is a better place with you there...because earth kind of stinks now! :-)

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Owen slept on my chest tonight which never happens and I like to think it's because I was wearing your shirt. Oh how I wish he could have known his grandpa better!

Mom holding your hand in your last minutes here on earth. What a precious act of love to hold her husband in her arms while Jesus took you home. I to this day don't know how she did it with such calm and peace...I can only accredit it to God's covering over her because that is something no wife ever wants to do!

The Gradaute

Colin graduated from Pre-school with Ms. Tracy a few weeks ago. Looking back I am so thankful and humbled by God's provision in opening up a spot for him at the Friendship Garden because he really needed it but most of all, I needed it. It was so hard for me to lay my pride down and admit I couldn't handle homeschooling him last year, but I knew he really needed to be in a learning environment. He is such a smart kid and I didn't want to hold him back, yet I just wasn't in a place emotionally where I could take on that challenge. Ms. Tracy was a God-send and lovingly guided him through easy and difficult lessons. He isn't the easiest person to teach because if he can't do something perfectly or the right way the first time he tends to just want to quit or say it's stupid and he doesn't want to do it. But in reality he DOES want to do it, he just doesn't know how and won't ask for help. Her patience is amazing and despite a rough start he really blossomed and learned to persevere and that it's ok to accept help when you are struggling. He adores her and still talks about her on a daily basis, he misses it for sure! As much as I am sad he is done there, I admit it's nice to have my Tuesday/Thursdays back and I am sure Weston is too because we usually hung out at your house all day since it's a long drive from our house. hehe He got a little sick of us by the end of the year! He did so many amazing crafts, learned all sorts of things, and now thanks to Ms. Tracy wants a goat....yea not happening! He gardened, learned about plants, animals, made a robot, his ABC's, numbers (ok that one is a work in progress because that boy gets stuck at 15 EVERY. SINGLE. TIME), had a field trip to the zoo to see the different animals in their habitats, the list goes on. I don't know that I can top all of that, but I will try! He asked me if I was going to teach him just like Ms. Tracy and I told him I didn't know exactly how she taught but I would do my best. I will be starting school with him and Cecily in the fall which will be very interesting with a mischievous toddler and a brand new baby. I am just praying Lucy is a good napper so I can at least get some school done with them a few times a week while her and Owen nap. We will see I guess!
  Here are some pictures of the graduation as well as some of the projects he did during the year. He was so proud of himself and you would be so proud of him too! He wants to go to your grave and take a picture in his graduation cap so I will have to take him down there soon to do that. But until then...enjoy your grandsons hard work!
Love and miss!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Your little Graduate

 Seems like just yesterday this was you and Colin...hanging out during church so mommy and daddy could listen to the sermon.

 One of my favorite crafts...his little footprint as the manger. I use this dishtowel all the time!

 I adore seeing his handwriting even though I can't really read it too well yet!

 Ms. Tracy dressed him up as a shepherd, complete with a rabbit as a sheep. My favorite picture!

 His diploma...it's official!

 His gardening journal...also a favorite of mine!

 These are so precious to me! I love how many kids he put in our family!

 I never knew he wanted to be a police officer until I read this...melted my heart!

 He is my sunshine on a cloudy day!

 Getting ready for his big moment!

 The graduate and his awesome teacher!!!

 Cecily was so proud of brother!

 The adorable little graduates

 All ready!

 Pledging their allegiance to the American flag.

 Owen just wanted to see all the awesome animals Ms Tracy has at her house!

 Prepped in his cap

 Finding his spot

 All in a row!

Here is a video of him receiving his diploma

And that wraps it up! I have an adorable video of him doing their ABC song but it wouldn't upload...drats!

Truth Be Told

Truthfully I have started countless number of posts, thought of all these things I wanted to say to you, but then I just can't get it out. My heart is so heavy, my thoughts are so mixed up, and I no longer find it easy to let people in to share my thoughts/emotions with on here. I am tired of the "Your dad is in a better place" canned response people give you, and when I hear people say it to other people I want to scream. Yes, as believers we KNOW our loved ones who also knew the Lord are in the BEST place they can possibly be, but that does NOT make our grief any less painful, lasting, or intense. Afterall, God created us for Heaven, and part of us will always long to be there to be with Him and to be with those we love that have gone before. So knowing that you are in Heaven does not take away any of that pain or that longing to have you here...and reminding us that you are in Heaven is not telling us anything we don't already know.

"Once you accept the existence of God...then you are caught forever with His presence at the center of all things. You are also caught with the fact that man is a creature who walks in two worlds and traces upon the wall of his cave the wonders and the nightmare experiences of his spiritual pilgrimage."

-Morris West, The Clowns of God 

The moments you are missing here, you will never get to experience. Owen learning to walk, Cecily watching movies in your bed for a sleepover, Spring ballet recital, Wayne's first prom, Colin's graduation, Lucy's birth, Holidays, Birthdays, and down the road all the weddings, babies, graduations, etc...you will never get to be here for those things. Sure, where you are at, they don't matter one bit, but here they matter. As Dorothy stood up at the front of church to receive her final piece of "armor" from Holy Order of the Lion, I couldn't help but cry as she was the one up there without her dad. You should have been up there...you should have witnessed her moment...yet you are gone. Never to see that moment. As Colin sang his graduation songs and received his diploma from Ms. Tracy I held back tears. Taking pictures, video taping it, none of that matters because you won't see it. Father's Day is approaching and to be honest, I wish it didn't exist. Mother's Day and Father's Day are just a painful reminder to those that have lost a parent that they don't have them here. No card to buy, no gift to buy, no being able to tell you how much you mean to me and to the kids. It just sucks! Emails, mailers, commercials, all telling me what to buy my dad...and all I get to do is go visit your grave and leave a note you will never read, and flowers you will never see. 

"Then Job replied: "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas." Job 6:1-3

I was given a book last year that I've read many times and each time different things stand out and give me comfort. While reading it tonight the part that stood out was

"God understands that even though we may have buried a loved one, we cannot bury our feelings. We need time to vent-invent ways of coping with the loss in our lives. God records in His Word that people in Biblical days were in no hurry to grieve, neither should you."

So many times I feel like I should be "over it" but yet it comes creeping back in and overwhelms me all over again. Memorial Day last year was the last time you ate at the table with us, and really the last meal you ate. It was so incredibly difficult for you to do, the pain of sitting up was immense and evident all over your face, but you persevered and sat with us, ate ribs, and tried to talk though it was strained. I will never forget that...in fact while taking a shower tonight and reflecting on the events of the night, that exact memory came rushing in and I couldn't hold back the tears. Tonight was so different, many changes have taken place over the last year, and I found it hard to catch up in my mind. I don't do well with change and this last year has been nothing but HUGE changes. I am grateful for 1 thing: My God does not change-He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! And for this grieving heart those words are so precious!

I have so much more to say and to fill you in on, but for now, this is all I can muster up.

I love you and miss you painfully bad!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

The last Memorial Day you celebrated with us...a bittersweet memory.

Reflections

For some reason anniversary's, good or bad, tend to bring a lot of reflecting on the past year and the events leading up to that day. Your 1 year Heavenly Birthday is quickly approaching and all I can think about is the hell we all went through this time last year. God had prompted Bryan and I to fly Stacey out in April even though you were doing just fine, but by the time she got here, you were starting to decline. You were still able to enjoy her visit a little but your energy was pretty low. Little did we know she would be back a few weeks later after the horrible news we were given on May 10th. That phone call still sends my heart into my stomach. I knew you had your scan that morning and when I got an early call from you I knew before answering my phone that something wasn't right. Your voice told me what I already feared, the cancer had spread, and there was nothing more they could do. Your words to me were so true of your faith in Jesus, you said, "I am done using man's methods and I am now trusting God to heal me or take me home." I got off the phone and broke into tears so loudly Bryan came running in. He also knew with no words what was going on and just put his arms around me and held my shaking body. Hearing your dad say he is dying is the most surreal thing I have ever experienced. Six years ago I was getting ready to marry Bryan, life was great, you were healthy (well seemingly, the cancer had already started growing according to the drs), and in my mind you would be around to see all your grandkids grow up and maybe even some of your great grandkids! I had the "young dad" my whole life and in my perfect little world, you would always be there and I wouldn't have to watch you die until you were good and old. Oh how those dreams have been shattered! Instead I am comforting a 4 year old boy who misses his grandpa more than his own words can convey and writing to my dad in a blog instead of being able to call you. Not how I imagined life at 26 years old but I can't for one moment doubt that God's plan for all of this isn't good because I know my God, and He IS good and His plans are for good.
  We are getting ready for the ballet recital which is another amazingly difficult thing right now. You got to watch last year's recital on a DVD because you were too sick to come, and that was the last time you saw your girls dance. Your face always lit up when you watched us dance, even if it was just messing around in the living room. You took such pride in your ballerina's and were always bragging to everyone about our accomplishments and skill. Our #1 fan no doubt! I remember sitting in the front row of the recital and as Mattie and Tobin did Beautiful Things, tears just started streaming down my face. Just the day before I had been sitting next to you, watching you struggle to even move, and you had that song playing on your phone. With tears streaming down your own face you were quietly singing along and Stacey said to me, "I think he knows his time to be with Jesus is coming soon." None of us wanted to believe it, and we held out faith until (and even past) the very end that Jesus could heal you. But your healing was a more complete one...an eternal one. I still to this day ask God why it couldn't have been an earthly one so we could have had more time with you. But I know when we all join you in Heaven, we will have an eternity together and being separated will never happen again! I look forward to that with eager anticipation!!!
  So there is my reflecting for tonight. So many memories come flooding back...yet others I have a hard time remembering. I guess the most painful ones tend to stick the best. I am so thankful for the healing, grace, comfort, and peace of my Jesus because I honestly can say I would not be where I am in the grieving process if it wasn't for Him.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
We had a little fun outside today in the 100 degree weather. The kids need a real slide...but sadly you aren't here for me to call and order one. hehe

One Day Fun Day-Monday

This has taken me forever to write about but deserves a post! Back in March we were given the amazing opportunity to go to a Coyotes game and watch the game fully catered from the manager's box. The grief support group mom and the kids are in (New Song) was starting a pilot program called One Fun Day and they asked if we would be their first family to take part in the program. A few ladies came over and talked to us about what things we liked to do and such and then put their feelers out to different organizations to see who would be willing to sponsor us. Sure enough, the Manger of the Phoenix Coyotes said he would give us a night at a game in his box complete with catering. None of us quite knew what to expect but when we walked in it far exceeded our expectations!!! They did a fantastic job at making us feel loved, supported, and took our mind off our sadness for a few hours. Mom and I both commented that it was the most we had seen the boys (Weston and Colin) smile since you had passed. They were in heaven and busted out in song and dance through out the whole evening. Even Cecily was hamming it up and made Alice Cooper (who was in the box right next to us) laugh at her amazing dancing skills! She was completely oblivious to everyone around her and just sat in her seat, ate, danced, sang, clapped, and thoroughly enjoyed herself! Poor Owen wasn't quite so impressed because mommy and daddy wouldn't let him just go up and down the steps the entire time to avoid a fall...we are pretty mean! hehe Wayne Jr had homework so he took a break now and then to watch but he was being a good student and getting his work done. Half way through the game Howler came into our box and gave us all t-shirts, hats, and some photo ops! Colin liked him, Cecily was terrified, and Owen thought he was HILARIOUS! He just belly laughed at everything he did! We were so blessed by everyone's generosity and they created some new hockey fans! Colin keeps asking to go back but he's in for a rude awakening when he realizes not all games are watched in a fully catered private box. haha We even got our own story in the AZ Republic! So that was our family outing and as much as we had fun and felt like celebrities (there was a camera crew following us around since they are using us as their promo video)...it was obviously still missing someone very important...you.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Some pics of our wonderful night out!