A tale of 2 lines

  Back in mid November I started not feeling very well. I kept thinking I had a tummy bug but after a few days of this...plus a few other symptoms that are not flu signs, I became suspicious that someone else was causing it. Just like mommy I am really good about charting with NFP so according to my chart it wasn't possible to be pregnant but I just couldn't shake the feeling. So after a few days I decided what the heck and just took a test. I took it...expecting a negative I threw it out after looking at it as it developed and not seeing anything appear. A few hours later I went back to use the ladies room (hehe) and glanced down and I swore I saw a second line. I picked it back up and there it was...a second line. I wondered if it was an evap since it was waaaay past when you are supposed to look at it, so I took another (much to Bryan's dismay...he hates when I "waste" tests on something I already know is true! haha) and it appeared right away. I didn't tell Bryan immediately because honestly I had a flood of emotions. The first grand baby who would not get to meet their Grandpa Wayne. It was literally a weight in my chest and as much as I was thrilled, I was devastated to know you would not be here to hear the news and I wouldn't get to see the glow on your face when you found out you had another grand baby on the way. We sat down to eat lunch and after a few minutes I looked at Bryan and said, "So you think you can handle 4?" He got a big smile and said, "Bring it!" I love that he is just as excited as I am every time God blesses us with another little treasure! I called mom and told her because I had decided before we even got pregnant again that I wouldn't tell right away like I normally do...but I had to tell someone! I waited a little while to tell the siblings, and it was funny because I brought Owen to lunch in a Big Bro t-shirt and no one noticed...so I had to point it out and the first person to get it was Tobin. Mattie kind of took a minute to process and Dorothy and Weston weren't far behind. Wayne-O couldn't careless but secretly I think he was excited! haha We texted Christian a picture of Owen and he was just as excited as everyone else to be an uncle again! We have slowly told close friends and family over the last 4.5 weeks and we told the Spears by giving them an ornament that says "Miracle in the Making". I had to laugh though because both Jack and Candee had to get their glasses on when they pulled it out so they could read it...such old folks! haha We waited to tell the kids until today since I didn't want Colin to say anything...and his response was, "Can it be a boy so we can have 3 boys?" I asked him if he didn't want another sister and he said, "no, not really! Just Cessy." I think she is more than enough sister for him! hehehe I have no idea when I am due because it doesn't line up with my chart, so I have ultrasound on Thursday at what should be 7-9 weeks. I will post pictures for you of your little g-baby!
   So the last 4ish weeks have been full of nausea, sitting by the toilet, low blood pressure, dizziness, and exhaustion. Ah, the joys of pregnancy! Lucky for me, it will only get worse! ha! This really has been a very difficult pregnancy for me emotionally. I didn't anticipate having so much anxiety with it but I find myself worrying about miscarrying (even though I am sick), and pre-dreading the fact that you will no longer be the first visitor to come over after the baby is born. With Owen you had just had a chemo treatment so you didn't come right away, but you came as soon as you could! I sadly realized I don't have a picture of Owen with you the first time you held him and that made me sad. You even took me to midwife appointments when I wasn't up for driving myself. Pregnancy hormones make this so much worse! *sigh* Poor Bryan has been going crazy with all my moodiness...I owe him big if I keep this up for 7+ more months! Should be interesting to see what people's reaction is...like Jim Gaffigan said, "No one congratulates you on your 4th...they look at you like your Amish, 'That's one way to live your life'". They better watch out though...because I am sick, hormonal, and not in the mood to take crap! They will either be excited or keep their mouth shut if they don't want to get an ear full from me! haha Ok, maybe just a dirty look since I am non-confrontational. hehehe I remember one time you took ALL 4 of us to the grocery store and the lady said, "Are these ALL yours?!" And you replied, "Yep! And I got more at home!" She made some disgusted noise and you just smiled and said, "And I'll keep having them!" You were always proud of us and no matter who tried to bash our family size, you always stood up for us and made us feel loved, wanted, and accepted. I will always cherish that and hope my kids always know that we will love #1 just the same as #13!
  Colin surprised me this week with a conversation he had with Jesus. I heard him in his room talking, and I just thought he was playing. He came out a little while later with an orange cross and said, "Mom, I asked Jesus where my grandpa was, and he told me really loud that He healed him. He kind of yelled at me!" I chuckled not knowing what to think of it, and he proceeded to say, "He told me that grandpa is no longer in his grave, but Jesus came with us when we visited him." I got chills hearing what he said! I have never had a conversation like this before so I know it was not something he has heard me say. I don't know if he was actually "talking" to Jesus but I am convinced he at least had some sort of heart to heart with Him because there is no way he could have made that up! I wish I had that kind of faith! So often I just talk and talk and talk and I don't listen to His response. I wonder how much I missing out on by not just sitting, mouth shut, and listening to His voice.
  Well I am gonna go sit in "spot" because I feel like tossing my cookies. Today is the first day of Hannukah and my intention of making latkes has gone out the window because I am just trying to not throw up my lunch! We will read our story, light the menorah, and open a gift tonight. Colin wants to skip right to the gift, but I told him he needs to know the reason behind the holiday, not just get a gift!
I love and miss you daddy, tell Geoffrey that he has another sibling on the way, if he doesn't already know!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Here are some pictures for ya, the first 4 are obvious. Then I added 1 from Bryan's office party last night and the kids being goofy with grammie while she watched them during the party.