Hold ups

This week has been one of those weeks of learning the ever painful lesson of God's timing is not our own. I had really hoped to have Lucy by now...after all her sister came almost 2 weeks early...but much to my dismay she is still in my belly rolling around and causing me a tremendous amount of pain! At the end of last week I woke up 3 nights in a row with lots of contractions that are the "real ones" I get when I am in labor. I kept hoping that meant I would have her very soon but they always stopped and I was left with feelings of frustration with my body. However, Thursday it became clear to me why I feel He stopped things. I got the results for my Group B strep and for the first time it was positive. Now, don't get me wrong, I know the research I know the stats so I am not worried about it being an issue but had I gone into labor before Thursday we wouldn't have known to do the probiotics, vitmain c, etc. and to keep our eye on her for the first few days to make sure she is alright. So I am hitting it with everything I got and praying God's protection for little Lucy. So here I am at a week til my due date and growing increasingly anxious to meet her and to get my body back. I am trying so hard to appreciate this last little bit of pregnancy, I really am, but it's so difficult when your body hurts so bad and your not so little baby thinks she has all the space in the world to move in your not so big body. It takes about 2 hours just to fall asleep at night because laying down seems to wake her up which means 15 trips to the bathroom, holding her feet down so my ribs don't break, and heartburn like a dragon is in my chest breathing fire! Poor Bryan spends an hour just trying to calm (both) his girls down because I get so frustrated that no matter how exhausted I am I can't sleep with her rolling around and she seems to need his hand on my belly to "tame the beast" as we jokingly call her. So that is life right now...the kids are very anxious to meet her and I get asked VERY frequently when she is coming out so they can hold her. I wish I knew...but only God does! I have had multiple people ask me if maybe part of the hold up is an emotional one...and my response has been...YES! I have poured so much prayer into my anxiety, grief, and depression but I know that no matter how much I have been praying about it and talking it through with Bryan it is still very much there. I am not really sure how to "get past it" because in my mind the only way to get past it is to just have her so that I can start that grieving process. I feel stuck I guess because I know that the healing will only come after this experience comes to pass, and just like with every other milestone, I can pour out of my sadness to Him and He can then heal my heart. So I don't know where that leaves me...I am so ready to begin that process of healing but He still has me here in the waiting so I am trying my hardest to learn the lessons I can in the waiting as they are just as important as the ones in the actual event. Waiting is just such a hard, hard thing to do! This poem has come back to my mind many times over the course of my life and even though in this situation it's not a "huge, life changing answer" just a simple "When will He have her come?!" I still thought I'd share it.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

I love you and I miss you more and more each day!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
38 weeks and going strong!