Needles and Heartache

Well daddy the end of this pregnancy has proven to be incredibly tough on me...partly physical but mostly emotional and mental. About 6 weeks or so ago (time is starting to mesh together) we found out that my iron was low...no biggie it's usually low mid pregnancy so I did my iron regiment and was pretty confident we were headed in the right direction. Three weeks later we check again...it dropped. How in the world could it drop when I was taking iron, eating high iron, and doing all the "right things" to help it absorb?!?! I guess these last few years when my midwives told me to take care of myself because pregnancy and nursing drains you, they weren't kidding! I have always figured that since we eat healthy and I rarely have junk food the need to take a multi-vitamin, supplements, etc. was not necessary and that my body was doing just fine tandem nursing two kids while pregnant. Joke is on me because I was NOT doing well and my body was struggling to keep up with the demand I was putting on it. I was critically low in quite a few vital nutrients and my iron and iron storage was dangerously low. Let me say this has been a very humbling experience! Bryan could have said quite a few "I told you so's" but thankfully he only said it one or two times. hehe We have a whole cabinet full of wonderful vitamins and supplements and he always asks me why I even buy them if I rarely take them and truthfully it's just laziness. My days are so hectic and I tend to put the kids first (they get their vitamins and supplements every day ironically) and then forget myself. Somethings a mother does just sacrifice, like sleep, but other things can't be put on the back burner because eventually it can mean serious health problems and that does my kids more of a disservice if their mother is incapacitated or worse! So now my list of supplements is HUGE and I get rather overwhelmed taking all of them and remembering to take all of them but I am trying my hardest to make it a priority for Bryan, the kids, and myself.
Part of getting my health back on track means needles...lots and lots of needles. One of my biggest phobias and the reason I avoid hospitals unless 100% necessary! I have major anxiety every time I have to get poked and at this point it's averaging 3x a week for the last few weeks with a few more pokes to come. One particular poke is my least favorite and that is the iron infusions. The infusions themselves though they suck aren't the most difficult thing. They happen to be at the Ironwood Cancer Center. I don't need to go into detail as to why that is hard. The very first time I walked in there my heart just fell into my stomach. It was national colon cancer awareness day, there were patients sitting in the waiting room obviously battling that horrible beast called cancer and their loved ones looked like they had been punched in the stomach....repeatedly. The blank stares of "What does the future look like? What does TOMORROW look like? Will they make it? Will I make it? How sick is this treatment going to make me?" just broke my heart into a million pieces. We have been there. We have had those questions. We have felt the punch in the gut feeling. The fear. The anxiety. The uncertainty. The grief. It's hard. So incredibly hard! And unless you have walked that road you have NO idea the deep fears and incredible darkness that comes with a cancer diagnosis. So twice a week I sit in a room, needle in my arm, bag full of coffee-like looking fluid hanging from my pole, looking around the room at the faces of the people in there whose lives have been forever changed. At this point I have seen many familiar faces sitting in there and they amaze me with their strength. They still manage to get up and walk around, chat, go to the bathroom, have a weak smile on their face, and encourage the other people in there. I had no idea the emotional toll it was taking on me until yesterday when I just looked at your picture in my hall and the sobbing broke loose. Deep, hard, make your stomach hurt sobbing. I barely could walk to my room through the tears but I managed to make it to my bed and I curled up and just continued to sob. I remember you going through those treatments I see other people enduring. I remember the way you walked from the neuropathy in your feet, the look your skin got, the way your hair fell out, the way your lips got dry and cracked, the leathery skin on your hands, and the sunken in eyes. We didn't just have a few weeks of watching your body give-way, we had 2 years of it. Two years of watching our once healthy father full of energy and life start to become frail, less energetic, unable to eat much, walk slower, become more susceptible to falling from nerve damage and dizziness, need to nap more often, etc. But what sticks out the most is your attitude. You never let that change who you were as a PERSON. You were always Wayne. You still sacrificed of yourself to help others. Even with a chemo treatment hooked up to your port you would be opening someone else's irrigation port for them, coaching Weston's basketball team, helping me with the kids, mopping the floor on your hands and knees while the cord dangled from your pocket, sharing Jesus with the other people in the oncology office with you, and pouring into your wife as much as you could because you saw how tired and emotionally weary she was from everything going on. Many people remarked that as you were laying there, dying, you still encouraged them more than they felt they were able to encourage you. You never doubted the faithfulness, goodness, love, peace, and plan of your Savior and that was evident even up until your last breathe. It shined so bright no one could deny you were at perfect peace and ready to meet your Jesus. The One who held your hand as you endured physical pain and discomfort that only few experience and continued to hold you as you left this world and joined Him in eternity. I often wonder what that moment looked like for you, but I know one day I will get to have that moment and it will be incredible!
Well now that I have made myself cry again and have 4 kids looking at me like I am a crazy woman (I kind of have been crazy the last few days. Pregnancy hormones do that to you) I should probably wrap this up and get them out the door to dinner.
I love you and I miss you so very much! I have grandkid updates for you but they will have to wait!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

I have to brag on your Weston because his team went to the championship game at the US Airways arena to play the WV and they BEAT THEM! OH daddy you would have been so proud! I couldn't help but be sad you weren't there to see this moment but I know you are so proud of him! He rocked it and played so well just like you!

 1 down

 Ready to meet this little guy

 2 down

 36 weeks...Feeling rather large!

 3 down...2 more to go!

Lincoln's Verse

A while back I wrote about the scripture verses that God gave me for each one of my babies. From The Beginning As soon as I found out I was expecting again I began asking God to show me the verse to be praying over him/her. After a few months I heard from Him Deut. 31:6.

I didn't know at the time that I was having a boy, but I knew this was the verse He wanted me to be praying for this child. Knowing I am having a boy makes it so much more amazing that this verse for him is about courage and strength. He will have to be quite strong to hold his own against 2 older brothers! hehe As he grows I am so excited to see what God has in store for Lincoln's life. We are so excited to meet this little man and to add another crazy boy to the mix! I wish you were here to see him yourself, but maybe God will give you a glimpse of him from Heaven!

I love you and miss you!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Family Secret

We had a nice low key New Years. We spent it at mom's eating delicious food and playing games. We rang in the New Year with sparkling cider and fireworks. All 4 of your grandkids were awake and they actually stayed up until almost 1am!!! Party animal is in their blood I guess! They love watching the ball drop in Times Square and getting to drink sparkling cider. A very rare and cool thing happened right around midnight....it snowed!!! Didn't make it to the ground to stick but snow was falling and it was freeeezing for PHX! Definitely a New Years we will never forget!
  We have a little family secret we've been keeping since October. When we went to get our u/s we weren't planning on finding out the gender of baby #5....however when she told us that she was going to look at the legs/feet etc so if we REALLY didn't want to know to look away I honestly didn't think I would be able to tell from looking at it. I wanted to see baby's little legs and belly so I didn't look away and sure enough Bryan said, "I know what that is!" And there in all HIS glory was Lincoln Russell. Colin was VERY excited about having another brother...Cecily however is pretty distraught and says she hates him and she doesn't want another brother. I think she will warm up to him once he comes out...but I guess we will see! Owen loves baby "Winkin" and is constantly kissing my belly and saying, "I smash baby winkin!" haha They will be buds I am sure! So we decided to wait and tell family around the holidays. Candee filled a stocking for him, but unfortunately we weren't able to go to the Spears Christmas celebration because we had the chance of stomach flu hitting so I ended up texting people. I am kind of bummed to know on one hand, but on the other hand it doesn't really matter if we know or not and we will have more Lord willing so we will be able to be surprised next time! He is growing quickly and already hurts momma! I am anticipating another 9+lbs baby with a big head in true Spears boy form. My first comment when we saw his "peepee" was "Oh man, I have to push out another big head!" Bryan laughed and said he was just glad we get to continue our trend of alternating genders...next time our odds are much higher it will be a girl. He loves numbers so the nerd in him is very happy..and the symmetrical person inside of me is happy too! haha
  I better get to bed. We had a long day today and got very little sleep last night thanks to an almost 3 year old with a diaper rash! haha
Love and miss you more each day!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

 Baby Lincoln at 25 weeks

  

End of the Year Reflections

About an hour ago, Bryan tucked me in and kissed me goodnight, within thirty minutes my acid reflux hit and baby started tap dancing. So I decided it was as good a time as any to post one last post in 2014. Looking back, this year has had some incredible highs and some difficult lows. January we celebrated Owen turning 2 with a huge shark party! It was so fun and a party I will always remember..though he may not! April Cecily turned 4 and we had a party fit for a princess! June Bryan and I celebrated 7 years of marriage and Stacey said I do. We also added a spunky, social, fun, puppy to our family, Mollie. She has been so fun for the kids and her and Lucy are BFF's! July Bryan and I both turned a whole year older and are starting to feel those years in our joints. hehe Lucy also had a birthday in July and turned a whole 1 year! An I Love Lucy party just seemed appropriate and boy was it ever over the top! One of my best parties..besides the shark! August 1st we found out we were expecting a new treasure! September brought about another birthday and your oldest grandson turned 6! We had a low key lego birthday and he thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with his friends and building legos with them! I also started a daily homeschool schedule with the kids, which as hard as it has been, it has been so rewarding to see them absorb what I am teaching them. October mommy got married and it was quite the big to do! Your yard got turned into a fairy tale venue and was simply exquisite! The last two months we have celebrated Thanksgiving and Hannukah and tomorrow we ring in a new year! It seemed to go by in a flash!

  We survived yet another year without you even though at times it seemed near impossible. I saw a "motivational picture" that said, "The hardest part wasn't losing you, it was learning to live without you." Those words echo in my head daily. Though it was so very hard watching you pass away, your body was so very sick and knowing the relief you felt the moment Jesus took you home makes my heart rejoice for you! But since then, living without you here has been such an incredibly hard learning experience! Learning to be ok with all the moments you've missed, the birthdays you won't get to celebrate, the holidays we won't get to spend with you, those are a wound that bleed without warning. All the times your grandkids did or said something funny and my first thought was "OH daddy would get such a kick out this!" And then my heart dropping when I realized I couldn't tell you. Those moments are hard. Today my heart was especially heavy as I learned about the passing of a few people's loved ones from cancer and an incredible young lady who is at the end of her battle and will soon meet Jesus. My heart aches not for those who are now with Jesus, they are in the place we all long to be, but for those they leave behind who have to learn to live without them. Our reminder this place is not our home!

  So as this year comes to a close, I have so many things God has taught me, and so much more to learn! I am looking forward to all that 2015 has in store and all the big changes it may hold for our family! We think of you often and hold your memory dear to our hearts! Give my baby a New Years kiss from his mommy!

Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

You would have gotten these for Hannukah this year. :-)

What I am Not

Hello my dear daddy! As usual you are missed greatly and the kids talk of you daily and ask to see your pictures or feel your fingerprint on my necklace. We have many talks of Heaven and recently Colin has been very curious about what his soul is and why he has one. It has been so neat to get to share Jesus with him and to see his little heart processing it all. Cecily too has been thinking about Jesus and why she needs Him and she asked if she could talk with me and daddy about inviting Him into her heart. Sweet times indeed and ones I have been praying for in their lives! God is so faithful!
  Recently I came across something that spoke very loudly to me because it's exactly what my human heart is very prone to doing. It simply read, "Don't spend time focusing on what you are not, instead focus on what you ARE." I am my worst critic. I, admittedly, spend most of my day beating myself up about what I am not, that it cripples me to be the best at the things He did create me to be. The enemy likes to frequently remind me that I am slacking in many areas others around me excel in and it somehow makes me feel like I then fail at everything because I am not good at these other areas. I fall prey to this mentality more times than I would like to admit.
I am not the mom who makes her kids lunch to match what they are learning in school.
I am not the mom that can keep her house immaculate anymore.
I am not goal oriented.
I don't think of writing love notes to leave in Bryan's backpack until after he leaves...then it's too late. It's the thought that counts in that situation, right?
I don't get up for my kids birthdays and make them this wonderful birthday breakfast and decorate their room.
I can't garden to save my life, the only thing I can keep alive are children.
I am not good at change, even if that change would make my life easier. (Things like different laundry schedule. Cleaning schedule. Getting up early to accomplish things BEFORE the kid wake up. Etc.)
I am not motivated to do all the projects that I have swirling around in my head.
The list goes on!
As I type them out, it seems so silly to let things like that define me, but they do. I feel so guilty about falling short in these areas, and yet deep down I know it's ok to not be the "jack of all trades". The mom's that I idolize that in my mind have it ALL, have their own areas of weakness. I just don't see them. It's so easy for me to just assume they are the epitome of what it means to be an excellent wife, mom, and friend, yet they have their own struggles and imperfections. So my resolve is to quit focusing on what I am not and focus on what I am. God made me with exactly what I need to be Carley Spears and trying to become someone I am not is foolishness. It's not to say I don't have areas I need to grow in...but the things I beat myself up on are not things that will further my walk with the Lord, they are simply a worldly comparison to those around me and that is...well sinful!
  Time to catch you up your grandkids! Colin is creeping up to my height slowly but surely! We have had a rough time lately but I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel...for this stage. He is doing amazing in school and Math seems to be his thing. He gets 100% on all his tests with no help from me. He loves to learn...though he would deny that...and is always inquiring about things around him that he sees, hears, etc. Cecily is also growing like crazy right now and trying to catch up to her brother! She is also doing well in school but math is not her strong point! haha She is still running on Cecily time and does things at her own pace. A character trait that we are learning to just love and embrace because it's who she is...we will however have to forewarn her future husband because he will need to allow a loooot more time to get out of the house than he thinks! haha She still loves princesses and all things pink but can get dirty with her brothers and throw mud with the best of em! Owen is amazing us everyday with his clear vocabulary and understanding of what is going on around him. His imagination is starting to really take off and he comes up with the funniest little stories when he is playing! I love just sitting and listening to him while he plays or talking to him about dinosaurs, sharks, superheros, and so on. He is a mommy's boy and is constantly complimenting me, kissing me, and just giving me smiles from across the room. Lucy is a sweet, feisty little gal! Her personality is blossoming every day and she is always making Bryan and I laugh at her antics. She knows her mind, and if you get in her way or tell her no she will let you know she is unhappy in the most dramatic way possible! That usually means throwing herself on the floor and screaming at the top of her lungs. She also loves to climb...anything...and everything! We usually find her on the table, chair, desk, beds, etc. If she thinks it's dangerous, she wants to do it! She is by far my most independent child! She does not want help, and if you try, she will get angry. Recently we thought she just didn't like her dinner...turned out she didn't like Bryan feeding it to her, she wanted to do it herself! She happily ate the whole plate when allowed to feed herself. I take this as both a good and bad thing! haha
 Well that about it wraps it up! We are enjoying the holiday season and spent tonight at Zoolights. I love the family time and being able to see people we don't usually get to see! They do however remind me very deeply who is missing...and I find myself having dreams of you nightly. I never want to wake up but sadly I do. I guess I will appreciate being able to "see" you if just in my dreams! I love and miss you dearly!
Your favorite Second Born,
Carley
My laptop won't let me add pics so I will have to add them later!

Sticks and Stones

Hello from your very tired, very frustrated daughter. The last few weeks have been really challenging for many reasons. God must be really ironing out some major wrinkles in my character because I am feeling very stretched. For starters we are battling a lot of disobedience in Colin and it's been a very mentally and emotionally {sometimes physically} exhausting few weeks. I honestly miss being able to just enjoy him, and not dread every encounter with him because I know it will result in a battle of some kind. I have been pouring hours and hours of prayer into what his heart is battling and I feel like He has given me some glimpses of what is going on that little heart and mind. Dad, I don't know how you mom did this with 7 of us?! If it were a simple, "Don't do that." or "Obey" it wouldn't be so bad, but I learned what you and mom knew all along, addressing the outward behavior only does so much good, you have to get to the heart of the matter and help them become who God wants them to be. With that comes major opposition from the enemy who would love to see me fail as a mom and Colin fall into a pattern of sin. It's so monotonous sometimes to feel like we are back where we started with some of these issues but I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel and I pray I can hang in there until then! haha
  The other frustration I have is people's need to try to tell us how many children we should or shouldn't have. I don't care how many they have, so why do they need to tell me how many we should have? Last I checked they're not raising them, paying for them, or carrying/pushing them out. It's even more hurtful when it comes from friends or family. I know "people like us" are a strange kind of person, and it goes against modern train of thought to have more than 2-3 kids, but come on they are kids not parasites!!! Each one of these little people are so incredibly precious and I can't imagine not having them here! I only wish you could be here to get to know them too. I had a nice cry fest about it the other night, it's so unfair to me while some people take it for granted they are still here to see my children, you would have been over the moon excited for each one...from 1 to 20. You always encouraged me and Bryan in our conviction about family and set that example in real life. Something I am deeply grateful for!!! So the lesson I am learning here is that ultimately it doesn't matter what other people think of me or how many kids we have, all we are called to do is live by the very deep-rooted conviction He gave us and He will bless us for walking in Faith and Conviction. I wish I could say sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, but so far it still stings deeply when people say things about our family. I personally can handle it and chalk it up to silly/thoughtless comments, but when the kids hear it, it hurts my heart that they are getting the idea in their head that they are somehow "weird" an "inconvenience" or from a family of "freaks". Colin is pretty perceptive and has picked up on a few times, and those were hard conversations but he understood...as much as a 6 year old can. I guess I just need to get thicker skin or have some really solid come backs. hehe I can remember many of yours and they always made us giggle as kids and showed us how much you adored and wanted us.
  Well I better get to bed! I gotta get up bright and early to clean out the van! It somehow managed to become a hoarding buried alive vehicle! Ugh!
 I love you, miss you, and anxiously await the day I get to see you again!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Tamara did some family pictures this year for the Spears...here are a few of your favorite grandkids!

Dis-Connected

Needless to say daddy the last 2.5 years have brought about some pretty radical change in our family. One day you think life will keep going on as it always has and the next you hear that your dad is terminally ill and won't make it through the summer. Change has never been something I am good with, in fact I go out of my way to avoid it. We eat at the same places, I order the same few rotation of things and rarely think to try something new. I do the dishes and laundry the same way I did them from the start of our marriage including folding and how I put them in the drawers. OCD doesn't really cover it I guess. haha Somethings however I have no control over and eventually have to learn to accept. This last year has felt like one change after another! Stacey getting married, getting pregnant with #5, changing churches, mom remarrying, and us hopefully moving into a new house. These changes have kind of sent me into panic mode...not going to lie! One of the most difficult changes for both Bryan and I was the decision that we needed to seek another church. Bryan has gone there since birth and I've gone there for about 14 years I think. We love it, we love the people, we love the teaching, however God strongly laid on our hearts {years} ago that He has other plans with our family. We fought it so hard because we didn't *want* to leave. Some people leave churches because of disagreements, disputes with other members, etc, we have none of that! We simply knew God was telling us it was time to move on. We talked about it so much over the last 3 years and really sought the Lord on the direction He was taking us and because we didn't have a clear picture about where that was we just kept doing our thing until we got some clarity. Last summer after Lucy was born we really went through some major transition and growing pains as a family and that is when we knew we needed to take the step and trust He knew what was best. We mostly did church at home on Sundays as a family and it was a good time of growing for us. Fast forward to this year and our family vision just kind of...formed. We never really had any clear "direction" other than the convictions we live in our daily life so to suddenly go "YES! THIS is what God is doing with us!" felt really liberating! We still have not found "the church" yet but God has directed our path and I know He will make it clear to us when we are where He wants us. It's a very strange feeling to not have a home church and be disconnected from that supprt because we've been connected to one for so long but it also has forced us to rely on Him and to branch out of our comfort zone and meet new people and form new friendships, for that I am truly grateful!
I have a stack of laundry {literally} the size of the Texas on my couch so I need to go fold it before I crash! I love you and miss you so much! Life is pretty crazy right now but God is good even in the crazy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Here are some grandkid pics for you! They're growing way too fast!

Colin and his giant pooper scooper

 Can you believe how big he is daddy?!

 Remember when we were little and we would trash the yard? I never understood why you got so mad...until my own children did it it to me! I'm deeply sorry for ruining your landscape that I know you worked so hard on!

 Car rides wear this little guy out!

 Our oldest in Heaven and oldest on Earth.

 Colin and Mollie are buds!

 Your little Cessy ballerina!

 Owen is a ham like you! He loves to make people laugh!

 We took a family zoo trip last weekend, it was so fun!

 Here is our Mollie...growing up so fast!

 Crazy Lucy! She is Tobin's child in every way!

 Wouldn't sleep....then fell asleep mid play!

 Homeschool trip to a farm! They had a blast until the way home when all they could say is, "I'm hot. I'm hungry. That place had flies and smelled like poop I don't want to go there again!" Can't win!

 Seriously she is the cutest thing!

 15 weeks with your 5th grandbaby!