We Love Lucy Pt 2

A year ago I wrote you about the birth of your 4th grandbaby. This last year was filled with so many ups and downs that I can't possibly cram them all into one post! I knew that her birth and first year would be hard because it is the first baby that you never got to meet. I went all out in true Carley form for her 1st birthday and it was such a fun time! Candee of course helped me so much and I don't know what I would do without her expertize! She helps bring everything I am imagining in my head out and into real life! I am so blessed by her! Truthfully though, it was a very difficult day for me emotionally. At one point I just needed to sneak away and I went into your closet....looked at where your tasseled shoes and DBA dress shirts (color coded) once hung and I couldn't hold back the tears. Mommy's things now hang there and there is no trace of your clothing or shoes, and soon Tim's things will replace those. Life has moved on, and there is both sweetness and pain in that motion. Throwing parties without you is so surreal because you always loved my big parties and helped out as much as you could! Getting ice, bringing table and chairs, mopping the floors on your hands and knees, cleaning the back patio so it glistened. You helped me in any way you could...and liked it! I had so much help but I don't think either mom or Bryan really LIKED it. hehe But parties and people aren't really their thing so I guess that's ok! I feel like the last standing "People person" in the family so that is a lot of responsibility! I know that as time goes on parties without you there will seem more normal but I still catch myself waiting to hear your voice asking what you can do, who all is coming, what I need at costco, or if the toilet needs another do-over. Despite not having you here the party did go very well and we all enjoyed celebrating our little Lucy! She has been such a heart smile to our family and we are all smitten with her! She loves to dance, mimic what she sees people doing (this is both cute and bad), is very stubborn (she is a typical 4th born like her Auntie Tobin), she knows what she wants and will not take a substitute, she is a bit rough but we are working on her "gentle hands", she loves to snuggle with me, snuggles with Mollie in between pulling her tail, and ADORES her older siblings. She is almost walking and is my latest walker. But I guess that is ok because I don't want her to grow up too quickly! I am enjoying the baby stage and soaking in every moment with her! God really does know what He is doing and His timing in giving her to us was PERFECT!
  I woke up with a dull headache that I was hoping wouldn't turn into anything and of course by noon it was a full force migraine. I spent all day in bed and as if that wasn't bad enough most of my dreams all day consisted of you. Dreams of when I was little and we lived at the Kiowa house, playing basketball in the blue bball hoop, swinging on the swingset, and working in the garage. I can tell my heart misses you because it was my way of feeling close to you again. At one point in my dream I knew you were gone and that having you there was a dream but you hugged me really tight and I remember thinking I didn't want it to end. Of course it did, and I sit here with tears streaming down my face because in reality, I can't remember what hugging you feels like. It's a fading memory like a lot of things and I wish it didn't have to fade! I am waiting patiently for when you greet me in Heaven and once again I can feel that hug that I miss so deeply!
  The last few weeks have been difficult and I was deeply hurt. I can't really go into specifics but suffice it to say I was very wounded by people who I never expected to do what they did. I have wrestled through many emotions-anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness, etc. but through it all this one reminder has kept me from just losing all hope in this crazy thing called life.

Hebrews 6:19

 This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil.

 Even when I start to feel lost, hurt, alone, and tossed around by the winds of this earth I know one thing for certain, He has me anchored to Him. I may feel the waves and the winds rocking the boat, but He will never leave me to be swallowed up by them! Even in stormy waters He has me held firm and fast and I can rest even in the storm. It's so hard for me to remember sometimes when my limited view of things tells me He has abandoned me, yet all I have to do is look at that anchor and know that I know He still has me, and is still holding me! For that I am truly humbled! I don't know what the next few weeks will look like as I pray through how to handle this situation but I do know that God sees the bigger picture, He sees my heart, He see their hearts, and only He can bring true healing to my heart!
I love you and miss you more than words can really express!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

This theme just seemed too appropriate...and a little cliche!

But I had so much fun putting it all together!