7th in Heaven

Next week marks the 7th heavenly birthday for our oldest baby! It seems like it was yesterday but somehow also an eternity. Like all trauma in life it is seared into my memory and an experience I will never forget! As a child when I would hear mom talk of a friend who had miscarried I didn't have an understanding of what all that meant. In my childlike mind it was "a tiny baby died, came out (pain free of course), and life moves on". I was completely unaware of the whole spectrum of things that happen during a miscarriage! In some ways ignorance is bliss but truthfully I wish I had been more prepared because it caught me very off guard! I remember like it was yesterday coming home from Wendy Newman's after work and going to use the bathroom. I was surprised to see a certain "sign" because everything had gone smoothly up until that point. I called my midwife and she reassured me it can be normal to have that happen so try not to freak out. It continued for the next 2 days but stayed minimal so I tried to just keep myself busy to get my mind off of it. By the next evening though I wasn't feeling right and I just knew he was gone. The 3rd day I woke up and it was painfully obvious I had lost him. What should have been the first week of my second trimester was instead a week of grief and tears. That day I experienced physical pain unlike anything I have ever experienced before even up until now! Just trying to imagine it makes me sick to my stomach again and makes my heart race! Adding to it to the emotional trauma and it makes for a life experience I will never forget! After about 3 hours of the worst pain of my life I literally cried out to Jesus telling Him I couldn't do it anymore and I needed it to stop! I almost had Bryan call an ambulance, which shows how bad I felt because I HATE hospitals! True to His grace though, within minutes of that cry He calmed my body down, the pain ceased, and I fell into a DEEP sleep. I woke up hours later to Bryan sitting next to me ask me how I was feeling. I told him I was glad that was over and I never wanted to go through that again! I had no idea at the time how deeply that impacted him, until I came across a journal entry he had written a few months later. Watching his new wife in that much pain was just as much a nightmare for him as it was for me. He felt so completely helpless and heartbroken! That evening Candee came over and brought us dinner and grieved with us. She was just leaving when I felt the weirdest sensation...I needed to push. I told Bryan in a panicked voice (I thought I had already had the baby and just didn't know) "something is going to come out!" as I ran to the bathroom. Moments later little Geoffrey Owen came out. Bryan picked him up and had him in the palm of his hand. That imagine is something I think of often because it's the only time I got to see my baby here on Earth. His dark little eyes through his eyelids, teeny tiny arms and legs curled up. He was perfect! We had contemplated what to do with him because I wasn't far enough to cremate him but throwing him away just seemed...wrong. My best friend went and bought us a little wooden box and we put him inside and buried him in the back yard. We also had to buy a shovel because we didn't own one and I remember Bryan commenting on how it was the worst reason to need to buy a shovel. His hands were covered in blisters by the time he finished digging in the hard AZ dirt, but he didn't care. We buried him with a stuffed animal we had received when we first found out we were expecting, and notes from both of us. We came inside, sat down on the couch, and for the first time since the whole experience began, Bryan broke down and sobbed. Seeing your big, strong, husband sob like that as he looked at the blisters on his hands and the dirt on his clothing was heart wrenching. That moment was so necessary for our marriage though! It made us see a side of each other that we never would have seen otherwise. We were able to grieve together and to cry out to God together, and He met us where we were and gave us both a beautiful peace. We knew this loss was Heaven's gain and one day we would meet the baby we buried too soon. The months following were hard...I had times of being angry, grief when a friend announced they were expecting, and sadness when the babies due at the same time he would have been were born. God gave us a beautiful gift after that pain though in the form of Colin. I am forever grateful and humbled by His goodness during that dark time. That whole experience also gave me an even greater desire to fight for the unborn! If our little guy looked like that at only 13 weeks....how could someone purposely kill him/her?! They're told they aren't a "human" yet and that they can't feel anything. Oh how deceitful the enemy is! He had LIFE, his heart had a beat at one time, he had arms and legs, and he had EYES though his lids were still closed. He was/is a PERSON. Just because he was wanted didn't make him more of a person than a baby who is unwanted. Not even close! My deepest desire is for women to understand the immense GIFT of a child at all times, in any physical condition, in any circumstance. It's not always an easy path, but how many women have missed out on the beautiful treasure God had given them because they let fear/doubt creep in?
 Well daddy, that got long, but I guess I needed to get that off my chest! My kids are now asking to go to a park so I think I will oblige since the weather is perfect! I love you and miss you so! Please give my boy a kiss from me and tell him Happy Birthday from his mommy and daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Psalm 139:13

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Heaviness

It's nearly 2am and I'm laying in bed with an enormous weight on my chest. So much I want to say yet I'm learning less is more. I sometimes hate growing up, daddy. The enormous responsibility that comes with it and maneuvering this crazy world as a grown up is insanely overwhelming. I miss the carefree days when not much mattered expect which Barbie I would play with, which dress up gown is wear, and what gross veggie mom would make us try at dinner time. I never realized then how much you and mom were actually going through because in my own little world everything was peachy. I so desperately wish I could go back to those days for just a moment, just to feel what it's like to not carry such heavy burdens. And as I type this I see so clearly why I'm struggling....I'M trying to carry these loads. Of course I can't, I wasn't designed to walk this path alone, I have the strong and capable arms of the One who made me. Why is it that prayer is often our last resort? I heard it said recently that one of the silliest things to say is, "well, we've done all we can, so now all we can do is pray!" ALL we can do is pray? ALL we can do is ask the creator of the universe, the one who made all things, who knows us by name, formed us in the womb to take care of us?! That should be our FIRST go to....not LAST resort. So often I find myself being that very person, I try on my own before I ask for help. Like a stubborn child. How much have I missed out on simply because I used Him as a last resort? It's so humbling! This has been a much needed chat with you! I started out this conversation feeling totally confused, helpless, and misunderstood. The weight is now lifted and even though I still don't know how to handle the situation I'm in, I know someone who does, and I know He'll help me through!
I love you daddy!
Your favorite second born,
Carley

I drew this picture for you on a hard day....now it seems appropriate since I'm having a rough time.

A Missed Anniversary

Today would have been you and mommy's 29th wedding anniversary. Ironically I received the wedding invite for her and Tim's wedding today. I took her out to lunch for you and left roses by her bed, I knew she would have an emotional day. We had a chat during lunch and one thing that came up that we both read in a blog was a gal who stated something along the lines of: "This new life after losing a loved one wasn't unplanned. God knew all along that this would be our future. We only see in time, He sees in Eternity." It helps so much to realize that though this was a huge blow and seemed to come out of left field, it really wasn't unexpected. God knew from the beginning of time that this would be our families journey. He ordained your days, just the same as He has ordained mine. For us your life was cut short, to Him, it was exactly to the last second He had planned. It might not make me feel any better because in MY mind you lived until a ripe old age, but it does help me realize the importance of giving each day to Him because He already has my future planned! Is there anything wrong with thinking about all the fun things Bryan and I will do if we both make it until he retires or how many grandkids we will have? No, but I also can't get so wrapped up in what I WANT to happen that I miss what He is trying to do NOW.
 I love you and miss you terribly!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

We Love Lucy Pt 2

A year ago I wrote you about the birth of your 4th grandbaby. This last year was filled with so many ups and downs that I can't possibly cram them all into one post! I knew that her birth and first year would be hard because it is the first baby that you never got to meet. I went all out in true Carley form for her 1st birthday and it was such a fun time! Candee of course helped me so much and I don't know what I would do without her expertize! She helps bring everything I am imagining in my head out and into real life! I am so blessed by her! Truthfully though, it was a very difficult day for me emotionally. At one point I just needed to sneak away and I went into your closet....looked at where your tasseled shoes and DBA dress shirts (color coded) once hung and I couldn't hold back the tears. Mommy's things now hang there and there is no trace of your clothing or shoes, and soon Tim's things will replace those. Life has moved on, and there is both sweetness and pain in that motion. Throwing parties without you is so surreal because you always loved my big parties and helped out as much as you could! Getting ice, bringing table and chairs, mopping the floors on your hands and knees, cleaning the back patio so it glistened. You helped me in any way you could...and liked it! I had so much help but I don't think either mom or Bryan really LIKED it. hehe But parties and people aren't really their thing so I guess that's ok! I feel like the last standing "People person" in the family so that is a lot of responsibility! I know that as time goes on parties without you there will seem more normal but I still catch myself waiting to hear your voice asking what you can do, who all is coming, what I need at costco, or if the toilet needs another do-over. Despite not having you here the party did go very well and we all enjoyed celebrating our little Lucy! She has been such a heart smile to our family and we are all smitten with her! She loves to dance, mimic what she sees people doing (this is both cute and bad), is very stubborn (she is a typical 4th born like her Auntie Tobin), she knows what she wants and will not take a substitute, she is a bit rough but we are working on her "gentle hands", she loves to snuggle with me, snuggles with Mollie in between pulling her tail, and ADORES her older siblings. She is almost walking and is my latest walker. But I guess that is ok because I don't want her to grow up too quickly! I am enjoying the baby stage and soaking in every moment with her! God really does know what He is doing and His timing in giving her to us was PERFECT!
  I woke up with a dull headache that I was hoping wouldn't turn into anything and of course by noon it was a full force migraine. I spent all day in bed and as if that wasn't bad enough most of my dreams all day consisted of you. Dreams of when I was little and we lived at the Kiowa house, playing basketball in the blue bball hoop, swinging on the swingset, and working in the garage. I can tell my heart misses you because it was my way of feeling close to you again. At one point in my dream I knew you were gone and that having you there was a dream but you hugged me really tight and I remember thinking I didn't want it to end. Of course it did, and I sit here with tears streaming down my face because in reality, I can't remember what hugging you feels like. It's a fading memory like a lot of things and I wish it didn't have to fade! I am waiting patiently for when you greet me in Heaven and once again I can feel that hug that I miss so deeply!
  The last few weeks have been difficult and I was deeply hurt. I can't really go into specifics but suffice it to say I was very wounded by people who I never expected to do what they did. I have wrestled through many emotions-anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness, etc. but through it all this one reminder has kept me from just losing all hope in this crazy thing called life.

Hebrews 6:19

 This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil.

 Even when I start to feel lost, hurt, alone, and tossed around by the winds of this earth I know one thing for certain, He has me anchored to Him. I may feel the waves and the winds rocking the boat, but He will never leave me to be swallowed up by them! Even in stormy waters He has me held firm and fast and I can rest even in the storm. It's so hard for me to remember sometimes when my limited view of things tells me He has abandoned me, yet all I have to do is look at that anchor and know that I know He still has me, and is still holding me! For that I am truly humbled! I don't know what the next few weeks will look like as I pray through how to handle this situation but I do know that God sees the bigger picture, He sees my heart, He see their hearts, and only He can bring true healing to my heart!
I love you and miss you more than words can really express!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

This theme just seemed too appropriate...and a little cliche!

But I had so much fun putting it all together!

Comfortable

Lately I have been thinking about WHY I don't feel the need to constantly post on FB or talk in person about all the things that I "Stand for". I wondered if it was because I was in some ways embarrassed, ashamed, or unsure of my decisions. And maybe initially those were some of my hesitations, but as I have thought and prayed about my heart and relationship with Him, I have come to realize something so simple...I don't care what people think of me! I don't care if they want me to vaccinate and think I am reckless for not. I don't care of they think I am crazy for having as many children as God gives me and desiring HIM to plan my family. I don't care if they think I am irresponsible by using natural ways to keep us healthy over medical ways. I don't care if they think I am "sheltering" my kids by not wanting to put them in child care, or leaving them with strangers for small periods of time, or homeschooling them vs public school. I don't care if they think I am "spoiling" my babies by not agreeing with the CIO method. I don't care if they think it's gross that I still nurse my 2.5 year old. I don't care if people see that I am feeding my kids healthy organic foods for every meal or if I decide we are going to Chick-fil-a for dinner for the second time that week because I don't have the energy to cook. I don't care if people think we are nuts for celebrating different holidays than everyone else. God has given me (and Bryan) very firm beliefs and convictions and I refuse to feel the need to justify them, defend them, or flaunt them. I watched you LIVE your life with conviction without shoving it in people's faces, and that spoke volumes! You drew people in to you by your Christ-like love and desire to truly understand and help them. I want to be the same. I don't care how people chose to live their lives, to me it makes no difference. I want to love them where they are at, no matter what they think or believe, and if God uses me in their life to show them His love, fantastic! Over the last two years I have had such an amazing and difficult journey of finding myself again, finding Him again, and realizing that the convictions I have, most of which were instilled in me by you, didn't die with you. You may have planted the seeds but HE watered them and is continuing to water, prune, and cultivate those convictions in my life and through me, the lives of my kids. I am so thankful to finally feel comfortable in my own skin and to say with abandon that I am crazy and crazy in Love with the One who saved me and pulled me out of the pit of despair!
I love you daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Your grandbabies are growing fast!