Transference

  I was discussing with mom how she is picking up some of your funny traits and bad habits. Which ones you may ask? Well for starters the lady who rarely ate at McDonald's...goes there a few times a week! You used to eat there weekly and your poison of choice was the Filet-O-Fish. I gag just thinking about it! I remember many car trips where you insisted on ordering 1 or 2 and they smelled the whole car up...both during and after consumption! We would all yell at you and you would just do your maniacal laugh and keep on eating! Mommy however does not order the Filet-O-Fish. And the day she does we will know she really lost it! She also has like 3-4 different text conversations with people throughout the day....CRAZY!!! Little miss anti-social is getting a social life! Bet you didn't see that coming! Then there are the sarcastic and witty remarks she has started making to us...she isn't quite the seasoned pro that you were...but she is getting there!
   Life...hmmm that is a tough one! I am so far behind on everything I now feel like it's gonna take weeks to catch back up! I finally got ALL the laundry in the house done and put away..Hallelujah! And that includes rugs, towels, etc. But toys, dusting, dishes, floors...yea...it's not pretty! Colin told me that I need to pick them up because he can't find anything! hahaha I told him he COULD pick them up himself...but I think he knows me well enough to know I would prefer he not do that since they won't end up in the right spot. I am also doing a major toy purge before the holidays because as it is we are totally running out of space and I refuse to buy more bins to store things in!
  I heard this song today and it's "my" song at the moment. It's called, "Need you Now" and it's kind of dramatic...but honestly, I feel a little dramatic lately. The part of the lyrics that echoed my heart were,
"How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now."
 Just last night Colin said to me with tears in his eyes, "I just really miss my grandpa!" In those moments I literally feel the breathe come out of me! And like the song says, He gives me strength to just keep breathing. It is so easy to become so overwhelmed and full of grief that even breathing seems difficult to handle. As time is going on that hard, knot in my stomach reality has set it, I really won't ever have you here again. There is so much denial at first which is something I never realized existed. I would see someone in my situation and hear them say it didn't seem real and I'd think, "How can it not seem real?!" but just like so many other things through this experience..I get it! Your brain takes a while to process what has happened. It has to catch up. Mine has caught up...and I don't like it one bit! Living in the false hope of MAYBE having you back made the pain less sharp. Now there is no denying...you are gone. A vapor in the wind...here today gone tomorrow. Well metaphorically since you've been dead almost 6 months! So there ya go...I am in the "Acceptance stage" of grief. Whatever the means!
  Moving on to your grandkids. Colin is becoming such a wonderful helper! It's amazing what a difference a 4 year old can make! He is almost totally self-sufficient and on top of that he helps me with Cessy and Owen. I can trust him to keep on eye on them if I leave the room and he is very gentle with them. Ok, he is gentle with Owen...Cessy well she pushes his buttons so I can't blame him when he lashes out! haha He's doing well in pre-school and told me all about what he learned about Thanksgiving last week. Squanto, how he helped the Pilgrims,the Mayflower, etc. He was very proud of everything he learned! Cecily, oh Cecily! She keeps me on my toes! She is sneaky, a tad mean, curious, BUT she is also loving, my little helper around the house, and a future ballerina! Her favorite thing is to put on tutus, ballet shoes, and a crown and dance around the house! Tobin let her wear a pair of pointe shoes yesterday and we couldn't get them off her! She LOVED them! Makes this momma happy! Little Owen...I hate to say this...but someone took my sweet baby and gave me a feisty toddler! He is trying to walk, learned to hit, bite, and yell when he doesn't get his way, and signs milky, more, and please. He spends most of his day playing with superhero action figures and growling. At only 10 months he gravitates towards the Ironman or Spiderman over the baby dolls or Barbies. It really is funny how boys just know what is "cool" to play with! I am spending most of my day though working on those above mentioned issues because when I say he hits and yells to get his way...I mean he does it allllllll day! He follows me around hitting me and yelling at me if I don't give in to his every whim. It's not pretty...mom was shocked when she saw him yesterday being so aggressive with me! I knew having older siblings would bring some of that out in him, but I didn't anticipate it starting so soon! It is not fun but I have to teach him now because other wise he is gonna be the terror every where we go! haha
  Well I better get to bed! I had a long day going on a field trip with Colin's class, then to Tempe Marketplace to pick up Cessy (she had a sleepover with Grammie. And mom texted me a picture in the morning just like you always used to! It made me smile!) then spent the day *trying* to clean my house and getting a snack for Cubbies tomorrow. I love you much and miss you more!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
You and mommy in your younger years! Hot stuff!

These are from the happenings of the week. The Thanksgiving parade at Colin's school, a cool spoon I got Bryan that I know you would appreciate, Cessy and Tobin dancing, Cessy in your spot, and the field trip today. The picture of Owen is what his crazy siblings did to him a few days ago, and the one of Cessy is how she dressed herself...Princess Ballerina!