I think it's pretty safe to say I get my ability to fake having it all together from you. I can distinctly remember walking into your office one day after you had returned from MD Anderson in Texas for a second opinion, you were sitting in your burgundy leather chair with a look on your face that is seared into my memory. For the first time since your cancer diagnosis you cried in front of me. You said in a {very} shaky voice that upon further scans and testing they thought your cancer had spread to your liver. You told me that gave you a poor prognosis but that you were determined to beat it. After that I never saw you cry again until April 2012. But here is the thing, I know you did! I am sure you cried often, I am sure you asked God why this was happening, begged Him to spare your life, and felt weak and helpless. However, in front of us, you were iron. You endured horrible rounds of chemo, lost most of your hair, had horrible skin reactions, intestinal "issues", had to stop biting your nails because of infection risk {you never really did get over that habit...old habits die hard...no pun intended!}, neuropathy in your feet that was so bad you walked like an 80 year old man at times, sensitivity to hot/cold which made you need to have your food and beverages luke warm or it hurt your mouth, horrible vomiting, and lived with the "what if I die anyway" thoughts looming in your head. That is enough to make the toughest of men quit...but you fought through it and although we saw the pain in your face, usually you acted as if it barely phased you. Even as your body was failing and your time on earth was drawing to a close, you encouraged everyone who came to visit you. It amazes me to this day! Where am I going with this? I had a wonderful visit with a dear friend the other day and she made the comment {in so many words} that outwardly I don't seem to be struggling. It made me chuckle because it's kind of true...I don't break down in front of people easily. I just don't. I cried at your funeral obviously...but it wasn't until I got home that I ran inside and crumbled on the floor in a ball of tears, yelling, and crying out to God to ask why He had taken you. I shed a few years during your memorial service but it wasn't until we got into the car to go home that I couldn't stop the involuntary flow of tears {and snot}. It takes a lot for me to be vulnerable in front of people...it even took a while to feel comfortable being open with Bryan about my feelings. I would just go take a shower and sob after I lost Geoffrey but rarely cried on Bryan's shoulder or with him around. Even now 9 times out of 10 it takes HIM asking me how I am {really} doing for me to just let loose and tell him my true emotions/feelings. As I sit here and thinking about it...I guess I get my acting skills from both you and mom. Most people would think that she has just carried on and it's life as usual minus you. But oh that couldn't be further from the truth! She struggles daily to keep it together...yet if you were to sit down and have coffee with her, she will encourage YOU and try to help YOU with your struggles. God gave her an incredible strength the day you passed away. I often wonder how much of our perceived strength is God's amazing grace and how much is us just putting on a good game face. Maybe it's both? I don't know! All I know is that despite my best efforts to put on a brave face...I do indeed battle with my fears, depression, and anxiety
daily! Thanks to Him I am winning...but it doesn't mean every day is perfect! My song at the moment is one I danced to way back in the day...you loved it and often put in the video to watch it over and over again. I guess it is God's sense of humor considering all I am going through now!
Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child
-Twila Paris
Well Lucy is fighting sleep...again! So I need to go rock my sweet girl through her tears. She is turning into a Cecily and I can't say I am super excited about it! She wakes up about 8-9x at night, Owen wakes up 1-3x, and usually either Colin or Cecily wake up once for some reason. So my nights have been pretty horrible the last few weeks and I find myself praying for a week straight of sleep and no one needing my attention! hehe
I love you and miss you dearly!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
I guess I look like you too....
Oh my goodness the shower is usually my go-to for a good cry too. I hate crying in front of people as well. Even Heidi's funeral,I mean I obviously cried, but like you it didn't all come out until one night I sat in her room and unleashed the hurt and anger. I hear all the time how strong I am. I think to myself "they didn't see the endless flow of tears, the depression that came, and even now the tears and hurt that come almost weekly". It's been nearly 4 years and barely a week goes by that I don't cry. Kate is going to start thinking I'm mental lol :-P I still don't like crying in front of Mike though. If he ever knows I'm crying it's after we are in bed and the lights are off. Even then I try to hide it. I need to work on that! He's the one person I should be vulnerable with. But I digress. So there you have it, we are both weak and strong at the same time. You're a pretty special lady :-)
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