Things I want to tell my dad...: Old Feelings and New Beginnings

Somehow...somehow we managed to make it a full year without you. We rang in 2014 with a nice evening at your house playing board games and eating yummy food with everyone. G & G game in town last weekend so we were able to spend lots of time with them and it's always so exciting for the little guys to see them. They love "G-squared" running around outside with them and playing basketball and badminton and Lucy loved all the snuggles and rocking that GG gave her! We were all of course spoiled with gifts by them and the kids have enjoyed playing with all their new "loot". When I told Colin we were going over to Hobart House to open presents the first thing he said is "It's STILL Christmas??!!" Between Hannukah, {Actual}Christmas, and {Delayed} Christmas, they have made out like bandits and got a steady flow of gifts for a solid month. My house is now a reflection of that and I have toys in every nook and cranny. So this weekend {Lord willing} I will be purging toys and the kids will have to pick out toys to give away to make room for their new ones. Our house looks like Toys R Us and it is giving me a mild panic attack! I now understand why you didn't want toys out in the open {a doll house, train table, etc} because it ends up looking totally cluttered. I have gotten over a lot of my OCD but some of it is still lurking. hehe Stacey also came out and we thoroughly enjoyed our time with her here! We went to Ikea, David's Bridal, and a few other stores all in the name of wedding shopping. It's such a blessing to me to still be able to do some wedding things with her even though she is far. She was not able to be there for ANY of my planning so I feel very honored to be there for some of hers. Of course at Ikea we got some Swedish meatballs because what is an Ikea trip without them!? That was always a favorite thing of yours...feed your whole family for under $20. Good {decent} food on a budget! A Wayne-Winner!
   Rewinding a little I don't think I talked about Christmas yet. I got ahead of myself! We did our usual Christmas Eve visits with the Spears. Always fun visiting with people we don't see very often and enjoying the fellowship. As the years have gone on we have less houses to visit now because everyone is growing up and people have different commitments, which is ok. We get to talk longer at the places we do go, so that is nice! I always get so excited for the family time part of the holidays...then as soon as it comes I remember how stressful it is with little kids...and that stress grows with each new addition. The whole lots of sugar, no naps, gone all day, late nights, early mornings, spoiled with gifts thing really goes to their little heads and boy oh boy has it been a ROUGH adjustment back to reality! I have spent the last two days that Bryan has been back at work in tears and feeling like a complete failure because I can't seem to control my kids or get my house put back together. Lucy is getting a bottom tooth so she isn't sleeping {I have gotten up a total of 8-9x the last 2 weeks straight}, Owen is doing a weird throw-us-for-a-loop-sleep-thing and waking up 2-3x at night demanding to sleep in our bed {which is already occupied by 3 of us}, and Cecily has been having night terrors and ended up in our bed as well. Five people in a king size bed is...rough. So my sleep-deprivation is catching up with me and I am running on fumes and emotions. That was a rabbit trail...back to Christmas. We woke up Christmas morning and went to Hobart House for opening stockings with the fam. Mattie and Chin were visiting his family so they weren't there, and Stacey was visiting Chris's family so it felt like we were missing half the group! But it was still nice to have everyone else together. Mom and I made breakfast and even though my GF oven pancake was a flop the rest of the food was edible! haha Mommy spoiled all of us, as is her {your} tradition, and I picked up your tradition of getting her the Este Lauder make up set. She is good to go for another year! After we finished there we packed the kids {and loot} up and headed to the Spears. We spent the rest of the day there and had a nice time with everyone. The more people we add, the more chaotic it is, but sometimes crazy is good, right? hehe So that sums up Christmas. The day after {As I already wrote about}was hard. Something about the realization that we didn't have you here for all the festivities really hits hard after it's all said and done. I am guessing it will get easier as time goes on...but I am not holding my breathe on that one!
   The last few days have brought a lot of...emotion. Grief, sadness, anger, doubt, frustration, guilt...just to name a few. I could tell over the last month or so that my depression was resurfacing but was trying to just push it down to enjoy the holidays. Bryan of course is not an idiot and could tell based on all my tale-tell signs....the house is now a disaster-zone, I spend at least a little of each day in tears, I start emotionally spending {that one I really hate, but somehow can't help}, and my biggest tell is that I spend way too much on the computer in order to distract myself from how I feel. I tend to just lay in bed until 2-3am just playing solitare or surfing FB and can't sleep. Which wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't for the fact that I am up all night with baby/kids so I am REALLY not getting enough sleep. On my way home from Hobart House last night I just broke down and sobbed my whole way home. I was just done. I felt completely overwhelmed and you want to know why? I feel like a burden. There it is. I said it. When I ask for help from people I feel like a burden. When we go to church with 4 little kids, I feel like a burden to everyone around us who has to endure us bringing them into service since I don't like having them in childcare. When we go to restaurants I feel like a burden to everyone around us who hears us telling our kids they can't have the free ice cream unless they eat all their food which needless to say always brings whining. When we go to families houses I feel like a burden since we end up making messes, needing help, and at some point inevitably have very loud crying kids. During holidays and for birthdays I feel like a burden because we have so many people for others to buy gifts for and I know it gets expensive. When I drive in the car with other people I feel like a burden because Lucy screams the whole time which makes it very un-enjoyable. When I meet up with friends, I feel like the obnoxious friend that has her little herd with her and the entire time I am chasing them around and/or disciplining them. When Bryan gets home or is home on the weekends I feel like a burden because I need his help so often. He never gets to just sit and relax, he comes home and immediately he has little kids at his legs demanding his attention, I am in the kitchen asking for his help to get dinner on the table, and then the bedtime routine takes two of us to get done in a timely fashion. Then you know what I felt? Guilt. I felt guilty for even feeling like a burden because all those reasons are there because of my kids...and my children are NOT a burden to me. I enjoy every second with them and if I did things all over again I wouldn't change a thing. Colin taught me that it's ok let my kid lick the ground, pee on the tree, and wear mix-matched clothes. Cecily taught me that I have a temper and I need to learn to just enjoy my fussy babies and not wish the time away. Owen taught me to be selfless with my time because he demands so much of my attention, and Lucy has brought me so much joy after such a dark time in my life. Each one of them God gave me at a perfect time...and I never for one second want them feeling like they are a burden to me or to anyone else around us. But I know that I can't control what those around us think/feel. I know at times we will be seen as a burden because of how many kids we have...and I will have to learn to just let that go and realize our family is not defined by what other people think of it...but by what God thinks of it...and since He is the one who gave them to us...I think we are just fine!
   So there you have it...Part 1 of my journey for 2014. I am getting rid of my FB, spending more time with Jesus {Thank goodness there is an app for that...it reminds me during my busy days when it's time to just sit and be still}, and purposing to give Bryan the wife he deserves...and that is not a wife that is always down in the dumps and feeling sorry for herself all the time! With a new year comes changes and I know I need to make some pretty big ones or I will just keep ending up back in this place of grief and depression.
   We love and miss you so very much! I am pretty sure God taking you had a lot to do with His desire to refine those you left behind...because I am still getting poured into the fire to be purified and shaped into what He wants my life to look like. It's oh so very painful...but will be oh so very worth it!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
PS- I have an old-new person to introduce for next time! It will be all about Tim!

I don't have my camera charged to upload pictures from Christmas...but here are some from my phone over the last few weeks.

Lucy is all grown up and can sit by herself..she's a little tipsy but she's doing great!

Welcome to the disaster that is the Spears House

Costco with the kiddos...Lucy loves being in the cart now...Owen is unsure how he feels about it!

These are flowers that my incredible husband came home with for me on a day that I was feeling especially down.

There has been a lot of this lately...he has a milky obsession and when I say no the waterworks start flowing. I wish I could post a video of the extent of his addiction because it's quite funny how hard he tries to get me to nurse him!

Your Favorite Spears!

This night I had been having a really rough time. I needed something to feel close to you again but nothing I had smelled like you anymore. So I pulled out the undershirt I had of yours that had been in the bag since you died and sure enough it had just enough of your smell on it. I cried into it and prayed that God would give you a kiss for me.