Limitations

  I finally have time to sit and write! It has been a looooong week and today was probably the longest and funniest of them all! Today was so memorable in fact that I have pretty much forgotten about the rest of my week. It started early this morning while driving Colin to his second day of Pre-school. I was on the 202 almost to McQueen and I hear a scream from the back followed by, "I AM BLEEDING!" Sure enough he had a bloody nose alllll over the back seat. So I go flying off the freeway onto McQueen so that I could safely pull over and deal with the mess. I wish I could say that was the only time I had to go flying off the freeway today and the only bloody nose I had to deal with...but sadly it wasn't. He had two more bloody noses, one more in the car, and one at the Chiropractors office. The one at the chiro office was the worst! It took a long time to stop...and we used like half a box of kleenex. The other time I had to quickly exit the freeway was on our way to family dinner at the Spears after leaving your house...this time I hear in a very urgent voice, "I HAVE TO PEE!!" and by the sound of his voice I knew that meant NOW, well by the time I got off he had already peed...*sigh* so I had to clean up a pee mess in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. I also wish I could say that was his only accident that day, but earlier he peed next to Wayne's toilet because he couldn't get his pants off in time. So yea...most of my day was bodily fluids and if anyone had thrown up I would have just quit right then and there! haha Ok, so that was the craziness of today and I know you would have just laughed at me and said, "You never did anything like that to me!" in a very sarcastic voice!
   Your little Owen is now crawling ALL over and pulling up to stand on everything. It has me in a total panic because he doesn't always pick the safest places to try to stand and now has many "battle" scars to prove it. Luckily he's a boy so it's not quite as sad as when Cecily got all bruised up at his age. hehe He is quite the little momma's boy now and I'd be lying if I said it was sweet. If I even leave his eyesight he bursts into tears and doesn't stop until he sees me again and is in my arms. I am getting really bad back and shoulder pain and my elbows are starting to hurt. I really hope he grows out of it quickly because carrying 20+lbs around all day while you are cleaning, cooking, taking a kid to the potty, picking up toys, going pee, etc. is reeeeaaalllllllly difficult!
   Now for the emotional dump that we all knew was coming...I am doing...ok. Talking to Bryan has been really helpful and I don't really know why I clammed up initially. But I remembered yesterday that I kind of did that after my miscarriage and it wasn't until we opened up to each other about our grief that we really began to heal. And the saying rings true, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. haha Admitting that I can't hold it together well, that I am a WRECK, that this is consuming all my emotions and thoughts, etc. has really helped me begin to process and heal. My dear friend Julie wrote this on her blog (sorry Julie, I had to steal it because it's soooo good), "God is not mad at you because of your humanity.  He is fully aware of your limitations, your weakness, and the frailties of your heart.  His compassion reaches across the heavens to get to you.  You have not been cast aside because of your imperfections.  Your broken heart is no less precious to Him.  Your beauty is not diminished.  Your value can never dwindle away." {A Beautiful Offering by Angela Thomas, page 11} And those words just jumped out at me. It's so easy for me to feel guilty that I miss you. I mean come on, I am so blessed to even have had a dad in my life and such a wonderful one at that! But yet I still feel jipped because I didn't get you longer! So to know that God understands my weakness, my grief, and my heartache and that he is OK with it, is such sweetness to my heart. It's ok for me to be weak, because HE is strong. And that is fine by me!
   Well I sprained my finger today doing who knows what so typing is not feeling very good. I have so much more to say but I will just have to wait! I love you and miss you more and more each day!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Some pics for you...the first one is of a nasty little fella that Mattie and Chin found. There are a ton of them at your house right now, thankfully mom had them come spray today! And your little Owen sleeping peacefully on your couch (a rare thing right now!). I also painted Cecily's toes for the first time and she just adores them! She walked around staring at her feet all day! Colin with his wonderful teacher Ms. Tracy at his second day of pre-school. (I forgot to take one on the first day) And the kiddos at the chiro today...this was before the bloody nose incident!

Not Completed

I started this post a few days ago, and kept coming back to it unsure of what to write or what I was feeling. Then this afternoon God gave me quite the smack in the face and I knew exactly what to write you. It started with my wonderful friend who has been an inspiration to me and God has used time after time the last few months to speak through her words and experiences. She posted about her life and struggles and it was EXACTLY where my heart has been. It was so encouraging to "hear" her words because it reminds me that I am not alone and that the same God who comforts and holds her also does the same for me. Then on my way to your mom's house I was right in the middle of a pity party in my head (why did my dad die? why didn't God heal him? why did I have such a vivid dream of your healing yet God still took you? etc) and if on cue God put a song on the radio that smacked me right in the face. I have heard the song since you died, and it spoke to me a little but this time it was God speaking directly through it. The lyrics couldn't have been any more perfect! It's a song by Kutless called "Even If"

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

   The line that says "and dreams are still undone" was particularly relevant because I have been on my knees since you died begging the Lord to tell me why He had so clearly told me you would be healed, yet took you home. I got home and looked up the definition of "undone" because it's a word we use a lot but I couldn't necessarily define it. The definition was amazing to me, "Not completed". God has not completed this story yet. Your death is only a part of His big story and we don't know the ending yet. To me the dream seemed to be false, but in reality, God has not completed the work yet. I can only see a part of it and one day I will see the full picture and see that it is complete.
    So where does that leave me? Does it take away any pain or make me miss you less? Not a chance! My heart still aches like nothing I have ever experienced, but it is a beautiful thing when God starts to put some pieces together for you. I may not see the whole puzzle, but I can see exactly what He wants me to see at this time in my life.
  Well some family stuff! Let's start with everything that has broken on poor mom lately! The a/c and ducts have to be replaced, the RO system, Tobin's car, and a few other things I am forgetting about. When it rains it pours! She has been doing an amazing job though at keeping the house from totally falling apart! She is so tired though, and doing the job of two people really takes it out of her. I have been driving her around when we have errands to run so that she can at least get a break from something! She misses the days when she had you to drive around and to run errands together and occasionally stop behind the trash cans at Wal-Mart! hehehehe The kids are doing ok, Dorothy had a little break down last week sometime, she really misses you! Weston finds it hard to smile most days, but Curly helps bring a smile to his face and the occasional silly gesture from his niece and nephews cheer him up. Tobin is really enjoying her ballroom and even got asked to be in the Nutcracker that they are doing. She is such an amazing dancer and is going to go far! Wayne-O is adjusting to his new school and even though he says he hates it, we know he secretly really likes it! It's spirit week at his school and of course, he has 0 school spirit so he isn't participating at all! Surprise, surprise! Mattie and Chin are working lots! Mattie got a job teaching ballet at another studio and Chin is working two jobs right now. I always tease him and say he's lazy because it couldn't be farther from the truth! He is an AMAZING man and such a blessing to the family! I don't know what we would do without him! God knew we needed him in this family and I am so grateful for him. Now for your grandkids, Colin FINALLY got to go to Golfland with Bryan and Weston! It was a fun time away for Weston and obviously Colin loved having his Uncle there. He is starting preschool soon, and despite his initial hesitation to going to Ms. Tracy's house he loved it there and cried when we left without actually doing school. The first thing he said to her was, "My grandpa died, and I miss him!" And her response was exactly what is helpful for us to hear, "I miss him too!" It's so nice to know that we aren't the only ones who miss him and want him here. Cecily is still as feisty as ever! Currently Owen is the brunt of a lot of her outbursts and mischief. She lovingly says, "Hi Owen" then pulls his nostrils straight back so his head hits the floor. Poor Owen! But one totally endearing thing are her new phrases. She says, "Happy de Birthday!" when wishing some one a happy birthday. Then when inquiring about what you're doing she says, "What are you do do do do doing?". And my personal favorite is when she wants to listen to music she says, "I want to talk to tomatoes!" It melts my heart. But she's not all cuteness, a current problem I have EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we get in the car is a conversation that happens between her and Colin. It goes like this (every time)-Cecily, "I want Larry Boy." Colin, "No I want Spider-man" Cecily, "No, Larry Boy. Larry Boy! You butthead!" Without any hesitation! And I kid you not, it is word for word the same every time. I see it coming and no matter how hard I try she will always call him a butthead. It's her newest word and I'm not liking it! She takes after Uncle Wayne I guess. haha Bryan doesn't have much going on, so i'll skip him and move onto ME! I got highlights last week thanks to the wonderful Kim! I really love it and I've gotten a lot of compliments on it. I also took mom for a massage yesterday and we really enjoyed the relaxation. We decided to make it a monthly thing! In general I am still battling with a lot of emotion, foggy brain, break downs, irritability, and heart/body aches. But despite it all, I can still feel God loving on me and giving me His grace even though I am not being the easiest person to love right now. I went to your mom's house tonight to see Aunt Deb and Uncle Gary while they are in town. I cried the whole way there because it was the first time I saw most of them since you died. I knew seeing Uncle John and Uncle Bruce would be hard because they look and sound so much like you. It was hard, yet comforting because it was a little like having you there. We talked about lots of things, including you, you are greatly missed! I am so thankful though for the big family we have because we are all there for each other and even though we are heart-broken that you are gone, we have wonderful and funny memories we can talk about to keep you "with us."
   I miss you, love you, and think about you often!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
 Carley
I didn't take any pics on our mommy/daughter day yesterday but here are some other pics from the last few days. The first is of me at your house watching a movie with my kiddos. I had a migraine on Friday so mommy let me come over and rest a little while they helped with the kids. The next one is of where I found Cecily last night when I went to check on her. Not too comfortable I would imagine! Lastly, of Colin mini golfing today. He even wore plaid shorts!

Denial

Last night the kids and I took a stroll down memory lane. I had been dying to hear your voice again for a while but didn't know if I had anything with it recorded. Sure enough I found some old videos (mostly from birthday celebrations) with your voice in them. One video is of Colin dancing but your feet are there the whole time, oh how I miss seeing your brown tasseled shoes, your slightly pigeon-toed dancing, and hearing your off key singing! We watched videos of us opening presents at Hannukah and it made me want to jump into the video and tell all of us to cherish that time because we wouldn't have you much longer! I wish I could say it was a happy reminder of sweet memories but I confess I felt sick realizing that Hannukah this year, and every year after, would be much different. You won't get to open any gifts, we won't get to pick anything out for you, your grandkids won't get their silly gift from grandpa, and you won't get to see them enjoy the holidays. Makes my heart so heavy just thinking about it!
  Bryan and I have had some good talks lately and he is really helping me open up and start the healing process. As I drove home the other day I was thinking about why it is that I feel so stuck, I told mom I feel like I was moving along ok initially then all of the sudden I came to a screeching halt. I can't move on, or is it that I don't want to move on? Upon an inward search of my heart I realized that I am purposely not moving on. Accepting your death means it's final...my heart wants to hold on to hope that this whole thing has been a bad dream or a horrible prank! That one of these days you will walk through the door and say, "Got 'cha!" That the body we saw laying in that casket wasn't really yours and that the beloved daddy and grandpa that we buried is still very much alive. My head knows that you are gone, but my heart says, "It just can't be!", and so here I sit, stuck in an awful nightmare wishing I could wake up. It sounds silly to say that I refuse to accept your dead because what good does denial do anyways...it doesn't change the facts. But I think our human nature is to want to hold on to any thread of hope we can, so acceptance will take a while. One day I will be able to start moving again...but right now I am learning to just continue the grieving process, not rushing it, and letting Jesus do the work in me that He has wanted to do all along.
  Well my kids need lunch so I better get back to my mommy duties! Sadly they don't wait...*sigh* I love you daddy and I miss you so much my heart is about to shatter into pieces!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
 Carley
Here are the videos we watched. Colin dancing when he was about 14 months old. Dorothy's 10th birthday, and Hannukah the year before last.

Humble Pie

   The last week or so (it's only Thursday but it feels like it should be Saturday...of next week!) has been challenging for me. I am coming to a lot of realizations about myself and about how I am handling life right now. And to be brutally honest, I am not handling it well. And for me to admit that is HUGE! I have always tried to maintain my pride as a wife and mother. Keeping my house perfectly organized, spotless, and in order, my kids would be well fed, in their routine, home-schooled, and I would be an attentive, communicative, dinner ready when he got home wife. But the reality is I ache almost all day, I can't think straight at all, break down on the kitchen floor in the middle of washing the dishes and just sob, I get angry easily, I am not feeding my family well (we eat out a LOT), I am totally distant from Bryan, my house is quite literally a disaster, our routine is well...non existent, and I am committing (in my mind) the unthinkable sin, putting Colin in pre-school. After examining all these things this week we (me and Bryan) came to the conclusion that I am battling depression. My pride wants everyone to see this perfectly strong woman who even in the face of tragedy rises above and becomes this amazing unstoppable warrior for God. But I am not (yet). Losing you has been more than this not so perfect 25 year old wife of 3 can handle. At this point I don't feel like I need to seek medical help, Bryan is helping with me and we are facing this head on together. He has been so patient, loving, and when needed brutally honest with me. Through Christ I know I can overcome this and be that amazing woman for Christ that I so long to be!
  So that is all I have for tonight, I am exhausted after yet another night of not getting a single minute of sleep before seeing the sun come up. Ran errands today with the kids with a VERY crabby baby who just cried most of the time. My body is literally sore from walking him around for 4 hours last night screaming like I was killing him. And my head feels like it's about to float away from my body. So I will say goodnight and wish you a happy 3 month birthday with Jesus! I love you and miss you!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Here is a picture of Colin at his birthday breakfast at Chompies. He stacked up 4 creamer cups to show me how old he was! He told me today that he wanted me to send you a card from him because he missed you. We may have to visit your grave this weekend so he can drop a card off.

Running shoes

  Well 4 out of 5 are now sick. Cecily seems like she has been fighting it off since yesterday but isn't full blown sick. Colin and I have it the worst and so far Bryan and Owen aren't too bad. Just sore throats and congestion. I called the nautropath today and she set me up with all sorts of stuff to help us kick it so I am hoping in the next day or 2 we will be over it. I am not getting my hopes up though because usually when we actually get something it lasts a little while. I am the one who always gets the little flu bugs here and there but the rest of them stay pretty healthy so I can't complain. Bryan says I am a weakling but I told him I am just a delicate flower...who gives birth to huge children at home! haha So anyhow, we spent the day just lazing around and feeling icky. After going to the nautropath I decided to run to the grocery store to get stuff for tomato and basil soup. I ran into a few people I know and kept my distance so I didn't spread germs. I felt bad even shopping while sick, but I washed my hands before touching the cart and didn't touch my face or anything the whole time! haha The soup and grilled cheese sandwiches turned out delicious and hit the spot for all of us. Cecily wouldn't touch the soup because she has a 6th sense for when something is good for her so she just ate the sandwich and choked down a spoonful of soup. We will fight that battle when we are feeling better. hehe After dinner we went on a walk, and true to Colin's self he said, "Can we take the car on our walk? I don't feel like walking." I told him while laughing that defeated the purpose of exercising. On our walk we discussed his birthday tomorrow. I told him it was his last day being 3...and that tomorrow he would be 4! He was totally amazed by that and said that he was getting so big...I have to agree! My baby is growing up before my eyes...very bittersweet! He is such a fun little kid and his laughter is contagious! You would be so proud of your little colly wally!
  While getting ready for our walk I went into the closet to get my tennies and realized as I pulled them out that you were the one who bought them for me. Technically you bought them for mom...but I stole them back when I still lived there. It didn't make me cry but definietly gave me an ache in my heart. It's funny how those moments creep up on you so fast! I wasn't even thinking about it, then the memory hits and with it comes the emotion. I am doing ok today, so I guess you could say I am an emotional roller coaster! I hate being so up and down but I know it's part of this journey and eventually I will even out again. (Until I get pregnant! ha!) A passage that has ministered to me the last few days, especially today, is Psalm 73. To make a long story short over the last (almost) 3 months since your death I have frequently poured out my heart to the Lord about feeling like this is "unfair" for our family. (As if losing a loved one ever seems fair to anyone's family!) I see those around me who don't know the Lord or live purposely against His will, yet their lives seem to be fine, and even dare I say great! But that passage reminds me that even though they may have it "great" now, their time of judgment will come, and He will gather His children and make all things right. And even now as they think they have it great, they are missing the most important and valuable treasure they could ever own, Jesus. The last verses are what I remind myself of daily,
"²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
    you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds.^"

 So once again my Jesus reminds me that I can not see from His perspective. Things aren't what they appear and one day He will return and it will all make perfect sense! 

  Well I am off to bed! Tomorrow is my little man's birthday and even though we aren't feeling well I am going to get up early and take him to breakfast before Bryan goes to work. I love you so much daddy and I wish you were here to celebrate your grandson with us! 

 Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Pics of our day today...the shoes you "gave" me! They are still in good shape...probably because I never use them...yikes! Owen has learned how to maneuver in his walker and made his way to his swing to push it. And lastly, Colin and Bryan were reading some Spider-man comics together.

  

E + R = D

   This has been a long weekend. Colin started coming down with a cold and 3 days later...both Bryan and I now have it. I am worse off than he is but that's pretty common! He has an immune system of steel and mine breaks like glass in the hands of a 2 year old! Just like you always said, "Expectations + Reality = Disappointment." We had a lot of fun things planned the last few days and had to cancel them all! Totally disappointing! We had Colin's birthday party planned for Saturday and had to postpone it, thankfully he hasn't been too upset about it because I am getting him all hyped up for this coming weekend! Then I was supposed to start 2's and 3's this morning but was too sick to do it, poor Gigi got stuck teaching it because both her teachers for second hour were sick. And I also had a baby shower for Allison this afternoon and had to miss that as well! I now have 2 baby shower gifts that have not made it to their proper home. That's life I guess! This week is supposed to have a lot of fun things going on but I am not getting my hopes up that it will all happen because it has yet to hit Cecily or Owen. Tuesday is Colin's actual birthday and I want to do some fun stuff with him so I am hoping that we are all better by then! I can't believe he will be 4! How time flies! Seems just like just yesterday when you came over to meet your first grandbaby...yet at the same time it seems like an eternity since we've seen you. Colin keeps talking about you and Cecily calls out for you every you every so often, "Grandpa, where are you?!" Life is not the same without you here!
  I have been battling my own issues the last week or so, I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that you are gone, and it's causing me to lose focus and motivation. My house is suffering a lot (laundry, dishes, etc) but my poor family is the biggest recipients of my "blah" state of mind. School with Colin has just not happened like I want it to, I am getting really irritable in handling their tantrums and melt-downs (which Bryan says are worse right now because they are sensing my emotions and I know he is right), and my communication with Bryan has been severely lacking. I have tried so hard to get out of this funk but I'm drowning a little. Maybe part of it is the fact that I was coming down with something but I know part of it is past emotions coming back up. Just when I think I am returning to a more "normal" mind set I am reminded of the life that was lost and I can't bear it! We miss you, need you, and want you more and more each day. As things happen, the kids grow up, and holidays approach they have an empty space in them. As the years go on I know it won't seem quite so heavy as it does now, but I know it will always seem a little...abnormal to not have you here. Again, my expectation was to have you here to see my kids grow up, watch you grow old with mommy, go on fun trips after you retire, see your hair go pink before it turns white, etc. But the reality is you are gone. We will not get to experience any of those things! Can you say disappointing?!?!
  So, to not end this on a totally depressing note (because to be honest, that is where I am right now) here are some updates on your grandbabies. Colin is still quite the character! Today while playing his 30 minutes of Minecraft I hear from the other room, "Daddy! I killed the cow and got dinner!" Something I never thought I'd hear coming out of my 4 year olds mouth! He has been a bit of a wreck the last few days but if he is feeling like I am, I totally sympathize because I feel like crud! Cecily is her usual cute, manipulative, mischievous self! Poor Owen is usually at the receiving end of her craziness and we always know when she is approaching him because he starts crying to alert us that danger is near! She means well but always ends up hurting him somehow! Yesterday all of the these things were said to her at one point, "Don't sit on your brother. Don't lay on your brother. Don't butt drop on your brother. Don't squeeze your brother head. Don't take toys from your brother. Don't pull your brothers arm or leg. Don't stick your finger in Owen's eyes, ears, mouth, or nose." And I'm sure I am forgetting some! She still loves Princesses, Jessie, Woody, and Buzz and sings Veggie Tales all day. She also likes to strike the bird, Larry, on the iPad and laughs hysterically when he fries to a crisp...a little morbid but we are working on it! Which leads me to Owen, he is sooooo close to crawling and pulling up on things! His chunky butt is just a bit much for his legs still. But I admit I am happy that he is still fairly immobile. He rolls and scoots to get around but it's much slower than crawling or *gulp* walking. I am not ready for those things yet! He loves to laugh, go in the swing outside, his lovies from mimi, to play with his brother, and to bounce on the bed with daddy. He is my sunshine even when he is like velcro to me! hehe
  I love you and I miss you so much it hurts!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Just some pictures from the last few days. Your chubby boy in the bath, the boys under the table (play time with daddy is never boring!), Cecily's outfit that she picked out herself (including ear muffs!), and the boys in the pillow fort that Bryan made. He is MUCH cooler than I am! hehe And lastly my precious little boy sleeping in his crib. The first one though is of you with your little Colly Wally. He misses his grandpa!

Not quite perfect

Let me just start off by saying thank you, dad, for all you did for us! (You too mom!) As a kid when I would see you guys stressed out, tired, grumpy, I would often think to myself, "What could they possibly be so upset about?!" Yikes! I can't believe I was that oblivious to how much you guys did for us just to raise us in a Christ-fearing, homeschooling, loving, nurturing house! Mom gave up so much of her time, energy, and herself to raise us. And you devoted so much time to making it possible for mom to stay at home with us, for us to be able to take ballet, go on trips, and you were always our biggest cheerleader! Mom might say you spent too much time at work...but I appreciate it none-the-less! hehehe With that being said...my day was a mess! It started out ok, got the kids up earlier than normal to get to the chiropractor, on our way to the appointment I realized that Colin was coming down with something (which is ironic considering he hasn't had anything since January or December and he has his birthday party on Saturday which he looked forward to since...last year!), appt went well but I had LOTS of adjustments! I guess having an 8 month old who is over 20lbs really does a lot to your back! ha! We were supposed to go to Christina's house to hang out with her and Bella but I didn't want to give them anything so we went to D & D (yea, really healthy when your kid is sick but I needed a coffee!) and headed home. Once we got home it pretty much went all down hill, Cecily flooded the sink and floor with bubbles from the handsoap, Colin dropped his newly earned whistle in the toilet and made me fish it out and clean it off. Cecily let Owen get into her chocolate doughnut which resulted in him rolling it ALL over the floor and literally being covered head to toe in crumbs. I put him on the couch to clean it all up and forgot he now moves so he fell off within seconds. Thankfully he fell gracefully and the rug made it not such a hard fall. While cleaning that up Colin got into the office (which is now on lock-down when no one is in here) and tried to super glue his Spiderman action figure back together as well as the aforementioned whistle that he had already managed to break. He left the superglue open and laying on it's side on Bryan's keyboard which praise the Lord on further inspection did NOT get on the keyboard. I guess the glue wasn't working like he wanted so he went for the tape dispenser and must have decided that he wanted to see what was weighing it down so he pealed off the bottom and all the sand spilled all over the desk, floor, and computer chairs. At that point I was about to lose my mind so even though it was over 100 degrees outside I took the kids to the park. Colin sat in the car because it was "too hot" but I had fun with Cecily and Owen. We were barely breaking a sweat in the shade of the trees and Colin was sweating profusely in the very hot car. haha But he was adamant that the car was cooler so he stubbornly suffered through it! Hmm kind of reminds me of how we are with Jesus when He is clearly showing us His way is better but we think we know what is best and suffer through a situation that we could have avoided! Anyhow, back on topic, I thought...thought being the keyword, that getting them up earlier than normal, wearing them out at the playground, and eating a nice lunch would get them all ready for a nap. Yea, no! Owen went down, but woke up 45 minutes later, all the while I was fighting Cecily to stay in bed, Colin kept asking me to read to him but I couldn't because I was dealing with Cecily so he was crying. In his defense he isn't feeling well so I did feel bad that I couldn't give him the proper attention. Cecily ended up pooping in her pull up 3x instead of going on the potty and I swear she did it just to delay nap time. Before they even fell asleep Owen woke up and was mr. crabby pants! He did not want me to even look away from him or he would scream. I sat on the couch nursing him, hoping that he was just hungry and he would go back down but no such luck. While I am doing that I hear Cecily playing and dumping bins in their room. So I would put Owen down, go get her back in bed, and start the cycle over. This lasted for about an hour and a half maybe longer (I stopped looking at the clock, it was too depressing haha) and she finally fell asleep! I thought I would be able to put Owen down to play while I tended to my DISASTER of a house but he was still being extremely high maintenance! I am not exaggerating when I say if my eyes left his he would scream like some one was killing him. BUT if I was looking at him, he would just laugh and giggle and coo. Oh he's a stinker! But lucky for him he's too cute to be upset with! With all of that I was just about to a breaking point...then the final straw that broke me...(it sounds so dumb but I was just done at that point) I was "watching" tv with Owen on my lap and they had a commercial for Cancer Centers of America. I started sobbing so hard, was angry that you are gone, angry at cancer, angry that I couldn't be the mom/wife that I wanted to be, and I had a pathetic pity party! If someone was a fly on the wall they would have thought I was a nut job! I wish I could say I had a God moment, but I didn't. I pretty much sobbed on and off until my wonderful hubby came home early from work. He has learned after 5 years of marriage how to handle me in a mess like that and just hugged me, held me tight, and let me cry and vent none-sense. Finally he asked where I wanted to go for dinner, *sigh* he really is wonderful! We sat outside in the beautiful weather as a storm (that sadly didn't drop any rain, just the temperature but i'll take it!) rolled in and the kids ran around outside. Ok, Cecily ran around, Colin peeked out the door every once in a while because the wind was scaring him. Poor kid! Just like his Auntie Tobin! The kids picked Qdoba to go to for dinner so we got ready and left. It was nice to not add to the mess at home and to just get away for a bit. He saw my gas tank was low so he filled it up for me! Again, he's awesome! So here I am, we all had our nightly bath/shower, I did the dishes, read to the kids, and my mind and emotions are in a little bit better place. I am praying that tomorrow is a better day! Colin's party is on Saturday and I know he is so excited about it! I really hope he is better by then because if I have to reschedule he is going to LOSE IT!
   So all of that to say I wish I was a perfect mom and wife, but some days I fail miserably and I am learning that that is ok! Jesus fills in the gaps where I am lacking! Boy am I ever glad for that or my poor kids wouldn't have a chance at being normal! hehehe
   I promised Bryan I would get in bed at 10...it is now 30 minutes past that so I should get off and "obey". hehehe I love you daddy and I miss you so much I sometimes act like a crazy person!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Two pics for you, Cecily on the swing in her boots, and Owen being happy because I was looking at him! (When I looked down to send the picture to Bryan he cried haha ugh)

Broken-ness

  Last night was...well awful! Owen was awake til his usual 12:30am...Bryan and I took that time to let him play on the floor while we watched some White Collar and ate chips and salsa. Get him to bed, climb into bed ourselves and about 30 minutes later just as we were dozing off Cecily comes walking in bright eyed and awake! We were REALLY hoping that waking her up early...not giving her a nap...and putting her down at 8pm (an hour and a half earlier than we normally try) would give us a better shot at her staying asleep. Yea, no such luck! She had a "nap" and was up until after 5am! Thankfully she just plays and watches a movie but it's not like we can just leave her in the living room! So tagged teamed and by 5:30am were both able to get to sleep. Of course Colin comes in at 7:30am and we both look at each other and say, "I feel so sick!" My WONDERFUL hubby let me stay in bed with Owen and got up with Colin. I had a horrible headache from the long night so I pretty much slept until about 4pm! Bryan really needed a nap too but he didn't end up getting one, so he still doesn't feel too great. But it's almost 9:30pm so the kids will be going down soon. We have your little Westy over for a sleep over which the kids are loving!! We got sonic slushies and they are watching Toy Story while playing Super Heros. I overheard Colin tell Weston, "My daddy always kisses me goodnight. Does your daddy do that?" Weston didn't respond and my heart broke for him! Colin didn't realize it was totally insensitive but thankfully Weston seemed to handle it ok. I can't stop praying for God's grace to continue to pour over him! He is so young and losing his daddy at age 7 alters your life entirely! Shoot, losing your dad at 24 alters your life completely!
   I read recently on my friend Julie's blog a statement that totally smacked me in the face! "The good news is I am broken, but broken at His feet." I have always prayed that God would break me. That His will would be done with my life. I realized the moment I read that God was saying, "Carley, I have broken you." I have dealt with a few difficult situations in my life and at the time would say that God had broken me. But looking back, those were stepping stones to getting to this trial in my life. I have this weird sense of awe in seeing God's work in my life. I can see His hand-print in every trial in my life, big or small. And yes, He hasn't broken me and left me somewhere far from Him, He has broken me at His feet. He has brought me straight to where I needed to be, in His will, and in His presence. Like the passage says, "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Cor. 4:8-10 As they said in mom's grief counseling group, even your hand-writing changes after experiencing a loss like this. Everything about us has changed, how we process things, how we go about your daily lives, we have (in a manner of speaking) been struck down. But we have NOT been destroyed because God has been there every step of the way and has a purpose for this trial. I will be honest (like I told mom last week) there are days when I hear songs about His Glory or read in my bible about His plans to prosper us and I just don't feel it. My sin nature says, "How can a God who loves you do this to you?" and just when I start to have those thoughts come in I have to vigilant to take them captive! I know they aren't from the Lord and that they are the enemy seeking to destroy me. Before your death I never understood how a situation like this could cause some one to become so bitter and reject the Lord, even those who were once so strong in their faith. But now I GET it! If I didn't have such a wonderful support system and a firm belief that God HAS a plan to prosper and not to harm me, I could crumble under this pressure. I told Bryan tonight, I literally have a 24/7, 7 days a week ache in my chest. It is always there...always reminding me that you're gone. I go to the grocery store, see Powerade and feel like crumpling to the floor. Yet in that exact moment, He comes to my rescue and carries me past that feeling of loss and despair and I can continue on. It's truly incredible and something that I have come to cherish in my Savior. "Scars and struggles on the way.
But with joy our hearts can say. Yes, our hearts can say, Never once did we ever walk alone, Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful."
  Well, I apologize if that is a little confusing or disjointed. My head is still a little fuzzy and my back is killing me from sleeping holding Owen in one arm and Cecily in the other. I have some pictures of the kids to share. Colin got a hold of the camera, so the first set is of his photography skills. It cracked me up to see all the pics he took of himself and when he and Cecily were taking pictures of each other. And notice the happy/sad pillow that mom got Cecily. She copies the face as you turn the pillow back and forth. haha Then a picture of Owen at 12am last night and one of the kids tonight as they watched a movie. We miss you daddy and we love you so much! My oldest boy's 5 year Heavenly Birthday is coming up...give him a kiss from his mommy and hold him extra tight for me!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

  
  

Flashbacks

  It has been a very full, very fun week! Tuesday night I surprised Bryan by planning a little bowling date. We hadn't been out just the two of us since June so I thought it was about time! Candee watched the kiddos and we spent an hour being goofy and stinking at bowling! I love that even after I got 3 gutter balls in a row, Bryan would say, "Missed it by *that* much!" and we'd both laugh! Let's just say, I don't have a career in bowling! Good thing this mom thing is working out just fine! Wednesday is a blur...I think I did more errands for the bridal shower I hosted for Jamie. Thursday was more bridal shower stuff...Friday was more bridal shower stuff plus ballet prep. Tobin was O-MAZING and helped me every day last week as well as the day of the shower. She is such a sweet and self-less sissy! I know she learned that from you! You were always there to help us out...run errands...move heavy objects...get the glasses off the top of the pantry shelf. Which led to some sad moments during our preparations. A few times I needed things down and instead of being able to ask you, I had to track down the ladder. I don't know that I will ever get used to that. My first instinct has always been, "ask daddy!" and now I have to do it myself. Bleh! I'm such a princess! hehe The shower was on Saturday plus your three girls taught ballet that morning. We have a LOT of students and quite a few new ones! God has blessed us tremendously and we are very excited for the new year ahead. I haven't danced (besides your service) in a few years so I am feeling very rusty! I actually got sore teaching the 3 year olds! Yikes! I better get back into shape quick! Back to the shower, everything went well and we had a few food glitches, but in the end we made do and just went with the flow! Overall I'd say it went smoothly and I wasn't too stressed which is surprising for me considering I am normally a frazzled mess! Mommy was so sweet to let us use the house and I stayed until almost 1am to clean up. As I was cleaning up I kept hearing your voice in my telling me how to do various things, it always makes me chuckle when I think of you critiquing us as we cleaned. But I appreciate it because it has taught us all how to clean very thoroughly! So even though I never thought I'd say this, thank you for following me around, telling me everything I was doing wrong and how to do it better! haha
   I have been finding lately that I keep having flashbacks of your final days. And every time I do, my stomach goes into knots. It was the most difficult thing to see you so sick! I never ever imagined I'd have to see my dad at only 47 endure something so horrific! Your very own body destroying itself and we were all helpless to do anything about it! I have to apologize for the sad attempt at taking you to the bathroom for the very last time. I told Bryan I don't think it could have gone any worse, but he said it could have...we didn't drop you! I guess he is right...but boy do I ever feel bad! So again, I am so sorry! hehe The other moment that keeps flashing through my mind is just your last few minutes...and after you had passed. I again feel sick every time I think of you laying there...lifeless. Growing up I always wondered what it would be like to see someone who had died, but never imagined it would be you and so soon! I long to see you again even if just in your casket, to give you another kiss on the head, squeeze your hand, and tell you I love you even though you can't hear me. Burying you was so hard because that was it...no longer would we see your body here on this earth. The finality of it is still excruciating! My heart literally aches to see you and that feeling only grows as time goes on. Colin asks me daily when Jesus will be back so he can see his grandpa and Cecily calls for you every so often saying, "Grandpa...where are you?! Yoohoo?!" I am so happy that my kids loved their grandpa so much and seeing how much they miss you proves how much you mean to them! I pray they never lose their love of you!
   We have a new little boy in the family! Liz had little Daniel Alexander yesterday. He is just darling and you would have loved to hold him and walk him around! He won't ever get to know his great Uncle but I am sure he will hear of you lots!
  Your oldest grandson will be turning 4 on Tuesday and we have his Avenger's party on Saturday. I got the kids costumes for it so they tried them on tonight and looked sooo cute! Cecily is Captain America's daughter and Colin is Ironman (of course!) Cecily's costumes however has glitter on it...so every 30 seconds she comes running in panicking because she has glitter on her hands! So I have to clean her hands off and it's getting a little irritating. Bryan just made her take it off so that we didn't have any more glitter fits. hehe Now she is watching Wallace and Gromit Curse of the Wererabbit and howling everytime the bunny howls. It makes me laugh to see her learning movies and songs. She loves to sing and walks around most of the day singing Veggie Tales or Larry Boy. Owen is soooo close to crawling and I think within the next week or so he will have mastered it! He is just so chunky it's hard to get that body and head off the ground! hehehe
  Well that about wraps it up! I am sure I have more but my brain is pretty much dead! I love you, miss you, and can't stop wishing you were still here!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
 Carley
Some pictures from the last week. The first one is of us bowling. Then a picture of Owen's butt in my face while we were taking a nap and the kid's building a fort around him. Cecily discovered a love of my shoes and insisted on wearing them out all day, her in her costume (picking glitter off her hands), and lastly little Daniel!