The last week or so (it's only Thursday but it feels like it should be Saturday...of next week!) has been challenging for me. I am coming to a lot of realizations about myself and about how I am handling life right now. And to be brutally honest, I am not handling it well. And for me to admit that is HUGE! I have always tried to maintain my pride as a wife and mother. Keeping my house perfectly organized, spotless, and in order, my kids would be well fed, in their routine, home-schooled, and I would be an attentive, communicative, dinner ready when he got home wife. But the reality is I ache almost all day, I can't think straight at all, break down on the kitchen floor in the middle of washing the dishes and just sob, I get angry easily, I am not feeding my family well (we eat out a LOT), I am totally distant from Bryan, my house is quite literally a disaster, our routine is well...non existent, and I am committing (in my mind) the unthinkable sin, putting Colin in pre-school. After examining all these things this week we (me and Bryan) came to the conclusion that I am battling depression. My pride wants everyone to see this perfectly strong woman who even in the face of tragedy rises above and becomes this amazing unstoppable warrior for God. But I am not (yet). Losing you has been more than this not so perfect 25 year old wife of 3 can handle. At this point I don't feel like I need to seek medical help, Bryan is helping with me and we are facing this head on together. He has been so patient, loving, and when needed brutally honest with me. Through Christ I know I can overcome this and be that amazing woman for Christ that I so long to be!
So that is all I have for tonight, I am exhausted after yet another night of not getting a single minute of sleep before seeing the sun come up. Ran errands today with the kids with a VERY crabby baby who just cried most of the time. My body is literally sore from walking him around for 4 hours last night screaming like I was killing him. And my head feels like it's about to float away from my body. So I will say goodnight and wish you a happy 3 month birthday with Jesus! I love you and miss you!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Here is a picture of Colin at his birthday breakfast at Chompies. He stacked up 4 creamer cups to show me how old he was! He told me today that he wanted me to send you a card from him because he missed you. We may have to visit your grave this weekend so he can drop a card off.
His grace is sufficient, His power is made perfect in our weakness! Hold on to Jesus! Others will be holding you up as well! Offer yourself grace and take small steps toward where you want to be, knowing there will be good moments and bad moments.
ReplyDeletePraying, Melanie