Bryan and I have had some good talks lately and he is really helping me open up and start the healing process. As I drove home the other day I was thinking about why it is that I feel so stuck, I told mom I feel like I was moving along ok initially then all of the sudden I came to a screeching halt. I can't move on, or is it that I don't want to move on? Upon an inward search of my heart I realized that I am purposely not moving on. Accepting your death means it's final...my heart wants to hold on to hope that this whole thing has been a bad dream or a horrible prank! That one of these days you will walk through the door and say, "Got 'cha!" That the body we saw laying in that casket wasn't really yours and that the beloved daddy and grandpa that we buried is still very much alive. My head knows that you are gone, but my heart says, "It just can't be!", and so here I sit, stuck in an awful nightmare wishing I could wake up. It sounds silly to say that I refuse to accept your dead because what good does denial do anyways...it doesn't change the facts. But I think our human nature is to want to hold on to any thread of hope we can, so acceptance will take a while. One day I will be able to start moving again...but right now I am learning to just continue the grieving process, not rushing it, and letting Jesus do the work in me that He has wanted to do all along.
Well my kids need lunch so I better get back to my mommy duties! Sadly they don't wait...*sigh* I love you daddy and I miss you so much my heart is about to shatter into pieces!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Here are the videos we watched. Colin dancing when he was about 14 months old. Dorothy's 10th birthday, and Hannukah the year before last.
Why should you expect to have "moved on" already?? Some people may not talk aloud about your dad as much as you do in your head, so you think they've moved on and you should too... When my mom died (I was 13) everyone STOPPED talking about her, even my dad. They meant well, but it wasn't good. (Its a blessing that this hasn't happened to you.) The whole first year there was "the first Thanksgiving" "the first of my birthdays" "the first Christmas" "the first Easter" etc without her (and I was mostly alone in it). Even as an adult losing my dad only a few years ago - for a couple years some random thing nobody else noticed would catch me totally off guard and bring tears to my eyes. I'd also often say aloud "I miss you Dad"[ privately ;) ]. Now and then, I'd email these thoughts to my sister (who was almost 60) and she'd reply that the SAME thing would often happen to her. We're both believers, we know where our real Joy lies - but this grieving PROCESS (ie, not quick) is still normal. I think you're doing exactly what's best for you! And its such a blessing to us that you will share it with us in this way.
ReplyDeleteOh - and I laughed to hear YOUR family's "happy birthday" sounding like OUR family's. I thought we were the only ones who made neighborhood dogs howl at every birthday. ;D jk
ReplyDelete