Broken-ness

  Last night was...well awful! Owen was awake til his usual 12:30am...Bryan and I took that time to let him play on the floor while we watched some White Collar and ate chips and salsa. Get him to bed, climb into bed ourselves and about 30 minutes later just as we were dozing off Cecily comes walking in bright eyed and awake! We were REALLY hoping that waking her up early...not giving her a nap...and putting her down at 8pm (an hour and a half earlier than we normally try) would give us a better shot at her staying asleep. Yea, no such luck! She had a "nap" and was up until after 5am! Thankfully she just plays and watches a movie but it's not like we can just leave her in the living room! So tagged teamed and by 5:30am were both able to get to sleep. Of course Colin comes in at 7:30am and we both look at each other and say, "I feel so sick!" My WONDERFUL hubby let me stay in bed with Owen and got up with Colin. I had a horrible headache from the long night so I pretty much slept until about 4pm! Bryan really needed a nap too but he didn't end up getting one, so he still doesn't feel too great. But it's almost 9:30pm so the kids will be going down soon. We have your little Westy over for a sleep over which the kids are loving!! We got sonic slushies and they are watching Toy Story while playing Super Heros. I overheard Colin tell Weston, "My daddy always kisses me goodnight. Does your daddy do that?" Weston didn't respond and my heart broke for him! Colin didn't realize it was totally insensitive but thankfully Weston seemed to handle it ok. I can't stop praying for God's grace to continue to pour over him! He is so young and losing his daddy at age 7 alters your life entirely! Shoot, losing your dad at 24 alters your life completely!
   I read recently on my friend Julie's blog a statement that totally smacked me in the face! "The good news is I am broken, but broken at His feet." I have always prayed that God would break me. That His will would be done with my life. I realized the moment I read that God was saying, "Carley, I have broken you." I have dealt with a few difficult situations in my life and at the time would say that God had broken me. But looking back, those were stepping stones to getting to this trial in my life. I have this weird sense of awe in seeing God's work in my life. I can see His hand-print in every trial in my life, big or small. And yes, He hasn't broken me and left me somewhere far from Him, He has broken me at His feet. He has brought me straight to where I needed to be, in His will, and in His presence. Like the passage says, "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Cor. 4:8-10 As they said in mom's grief counseling group, even your hand-writing changes after experiencing a loss like this. Everything about us has changed, how we process things, how we go about your daily lives, we have (in a manner of speaking) been struck down. But we have NOT been destroyed because God has been there every step of the way and has a purpose for this trial. I will be honest (like I told mom last week) there are days when I hear songs about His Glory or read in my bible about His plans to prosper us and I just don't feel it. My sin nature says, "How can a God who loves you do this to you?" and just when I start to have those thoughts come in I have to vigilant to take them captive! I know they aren't from the Lord and that they are the enemy seeking to destroy me. Before your death I never understood how a situation like this could cause some one to become so bitter and reject the Lord, even those who were once so strong in their faith. But now I GET it! If I didn't have such a wonderful support system and a firm belief that God HAS a plan to prosper and not to harm me, I could crumble under this pressure. I told Bryan tonight, I literally have a 24/7, 7 days a week ache in my chest. It is always there...always reminding me that you're gone. I go to the grocery store, see Powerade and feel like crumpling to the floor. Yet in that exact moment, He comes to my rescue and carries me past that feeling of loss and despair and I can continue on. It's truly incredible and something that I have come to cherish in my Savior. "Scars and struggles on the way.
But with joy our hearts can say. Yes, our hearts can say, Never once did we ever walk alone, Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful."
  Well, I apologize if that is a little confusing or disjointed. My head is still a little fuzzy and my back is killing me from sleeping holding Owen in one arm and Cecily in the other. I have some pictures of the kids to share. Colin got a hold of the camera, so the first set is of his photography skills. It cracked me up to see all the pics he took of himself and when he and Cecily were taking pictures of each other. And notice the happy/sad pillow that mom got Cecily. She copies the face as you turn the pillow back and forth. haha Then a picture of Owen at 12am last night and one of the kids tonight as they watched a movie. We miss you daddy and we love you so much! My oldest boy's 5 year Heavenly Birthday is coming up...give him a kiss from his mommy and hold him extra tight for me!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley