60 days

    We hit the 2 month mark yesterday of saying good-bye to you. This has been the most difficult, heart wrenching, life altering, and painful experience I have ever walked! I selfishly hope this is the hardest road God will ever have me walk, but I know that may very well not be the case! This could be preparing me for something *gulp* worse. I think the only thing that might be slightly harder would be watching one of my own children or my own husband battle such a monster! Though, in reality, it might hurt just the same! During this journey I have felt more emotions than I knew 1 person could feel! Deep pain, hurt, loss, betrayal, anger, sadness, hopelessness, peace, grace, comfort, support, love, and hope just to name a few. And honestly, it changes from 1 hour to the next. One minute I am ok and the next I am a mess...then I choose to focus on what I know of Jesus and His plan to bring me hope and future and I am at peace again. I have also learned what is NOT helpful to say to someone after losing a loved one! Honestly, the most helpful thing is to just say nothing and cry with us or give us a hug. Hearing that we will see you again, or that at least we had time to say good bye to you, or you're in a better place, are sometimes just NOT helpful! We know those things but that does not take away the deep hurt and loss that we are feeling. And as mom put it, comparing a sudden loss to one that was anticipated belittles the hurt of those who lost the person they loved. We may have had time to say good-bye, but the hell of watching you suffer your last 6 weeks makes the pain that much greater! Our last memories of you are not fond ones, they are of you throwing up, pain medications, medical equipment, and a very frail daddy. I don't even remember your normal voice because the last few months it was so strained and weak. Almost everything about you was very different from our normal daddy. One thing you never lost was your sense of humor, your faith in Jesus, and your extroverted nature! Even the day before you died you tried to "entertain" your guests and we would have to kick people out because you got so tired trying to engage in conversation with them. Colin frequently says, "My grandpa was really sick! He threw up a lot! But now he isn't throwing up anymore, he is in Heaven." It breaks my heart that his last memories of his grandpa are of you being so sick. I wish we had better memories of your last month, but I know the memories we made with you before your final days far outweigh the bad ones! It's just hard when those are the last ones we have to remember!
  Yesterday was to be honest a rough day. The kids were trying my patience and poor Dorothy was over to see my "wrath". I had a 3 hour nap battle with them because I KNEW they needed naps before we went to Jumpstreet, sure enough they fell asleep in the car on the way there and ended up being awake until midnight. I hate when I lose my patience with them but I was already in an emotional state since it was your heavenly birthday, I had a migraine, it was the 3rd night in a row that I got very little sleep, and I wasn't in a good place overall. It took a long quiet time last night, 11 hour of blissful sleep, and a WONDERFUL hubby to pull me through for today. Sadly, today didn't go much better, but I had more patience despite the kids still being testy. In the first 30 minutes of being awake, Colin dumped 4 bottles of body wash (don't know where he found it!) down the sink and turned the water on, causing bubbles to overflow all over, ate 3/4 of a large bag of M & M's (thus giving himself a belly ache), cut up an entire ball of yarn into tiny pieces, and was fighting with Cecily over EVERYTHING. I decided that I needed to get them out of the house even though I really had stuff to do at home so we went to chick-fil-a and I let them play on the playground. It got some energy out and I was able to gather my composure. Afterward I took them over to Mattie's house to play while I had a nautropath appointment. Luckily they were better for Mattie than they were for me! Aren't they always better for someone else?! haha For dinner we had a girls night planned with the Cottle/Derenge ladies and it was much needed for all of us! We talked about old times, current life events, and had lots of laughs! Now as I type this a nice thunderstorm has rolled over and I am listening to the rain. Something about rain is so healing for me. It is a reminder that the rain washes away all the dirt and grime and when it stops everything is fresh, clean, and renewed! God knew my soul needed it!
  So tomorrow starts a new day and hopefully a better one! I have felt very overwhelmed by life and I am trying to get my head back above the water. Slowly but surely I am getting there! Losing my daddy has really rocked my world! I love you and I miss you more each day!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
The first picture is of the night before your Heavenly Birthday. I was laying in bed, remembering seeing you lay in yours...your breathing getting further and further apart, your throat slowly building with fluid making you sound raspy, feeling your hands and feet get ice cold because your body was fighting to stay alive, and the peace that was on your face as Jesus took you home. I missed your smell so I got your shirt out of my closet and much to my surprise it still smelled like you! The smell alone immediately made me bawl my eyes out! It brought back memories of your big hugs with my head buried in your sternum. I could really use one of those right now!
The other pictures are of Owie this morning and our girls+Owen night out!