Borrowing your pants

  Today is another day...more tears...more aches...more longings to still have you here. The last two days have been....hard. No particular reason, just less grace. I remember pastor John saying that initially it wouldn't seem as overwhelming because we were so covered in prayers and grace, but someday, that grace just wouldn't be there in such an abundance. And that's where I am. I can tell that people aren't praying for us like they were, I am not as fervent in my prayers and quiet times, so the grief overwhelms. It has taught me yet another lesson, never stop praying for people who have lost loved ones! It's so easy to pray for them when the wound is "fresh" then it fades in your mind and you think it has faded in theirs...but that couldn't be farther from the truth! Everyday brings new reminders, new aches, new memories that you miss out on. I am now purposing to start a list of people who lost loved ones, be it recent or years and years ago, so that I can remember to pray for them. That His grace would still be abundant in those times of despair, and that they would feel His comfort in those sudden moments of painful reminders. Let me tell you, those moments can creep up so fast!
  Music has ministered to me so much lately (ok, it's always been my thing) and currently I love the song "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher. My favorite part of the song is when it says, 
Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

It's the reminder I need that even though in this life it feels like death has won...Christ HAS defeated death and one day you will rise out of your grave and we will join you in Heaven! So in those moments of feeling like the grave has victory...I sing this to myself and my heart begins to rejoice through the ache! I heard a quote recently and I can't remember exactly how she worded it, but it was along the lines of learning to embrace, thrive, and even look forward to trials and pain instead of just passively enduring it, so that we can learn all that God has for us in that trail. I had never really thought of viewing this type of situation as a blessing because to be honest, it just flat out sucks! But when I realize all God CAN do with me if I allow Him to and even dare I say, rejoice in this suffering, the rewards will far outweigh the pain I am currently feeling! I say all of this still clutching on to some of my pity/pride because my sin nature doesn't want to let go of the pain, let's face it, humans like to get sympathy and throw pity parties! We like to compare sob stories and have "whoa is me!" parties but God has so much more for us! What if we start comparing the wonderful things God is doing THROUGH these nasty, heart wrenching situations and show the world what true surrender looks like? It's sooooo hard for me to do! But I am trying! I don't want to be the person that when people see me they think, "oh shoot! There is that girl who is always feeling sorry for herself!" because everyone has a "sob story" everyone has SOMETHING in their life that to them is the biggest obstacle they have ever had to maneuver through and those obstacles are exactly what THAT person needs to make them more like Christ! God knows what each of us can handle, and what will bring Him the most glory and us the most good out of each trial He puts in our life. I frequently ask Him why it had to be losing you, and honestly I don't have that answer, but I am confident that the reason is to further His kingdom. So I am trying to be ok with that! *sigh* It's just hard sometimes when I miss you so much!
  I am wearing your smiley face pants today and when Colin saw me wearing them he said, "Mom, when God comes back and there is a new heaven and a new earth grandpa will be back and you will have to give him his pants back!" I laughed and told him I would, I was just borrowing them!
  Well it's almost 3pm...my supposedly napping children are now running around the living room and woke up the other napping child. So that means nap time is not happening today! I guess we will break out blankets and build a fort and watch a movie! I love you daddy and my heart misses you more than words can even describe!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley