Beauty from Pain

  Today brought a last minute trip to urgent care for me...long story short I had to get a prescription for a medication that is making me unable to nurse Owen for at least 30 hours. So far it's not going great! He is trying to eat me through my shirt! Luckily I had a little milk in the freezer and a friend is giving me some of hers so that I don't have to give him formula. It also helps that he is almost 7 months so I can do some solids even though I don't normally start until my babies are a year old. But that's life! I just hope my supply holds out because I do NOT want him to wean at only 7 months old! I would be heartbroken!
  Not much else is going on...just the normal "I miss my daddy a LOT" that goes through my head every few minutes! I told Bryan last night on our way home from your grave that sometimes it still feels like I am living in someone else's nightmare. It's like I am watching from above yet living it as well. I look back at your final moments, your viewing, funeral, memorial service, empty bed, car that sits in the driveway and I think to myself, "Did that really happen to us?!" Bryan is kind of disappointed that I am still in the denial phase because he said he wants his wife back, I told him i'm trying! hehe
  Here is a song that I have listened to and cried many times. It says what my heart is feeling!

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see (to what I can't see)
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain 

I know He WILL bring beauty through all of this pain and heartache and I look forward to when I can actually see His purpose for this loss!

I love you daddy! How does it feel to be 48?!

 Your Favorite Second Born,

 Carley

This is where we found Cecily in the wee hours of the morning. I have no idea how long she slept under there last night!