The later part of the day brought up a lot of emotion for me. It started with the kids taking 3 hours to fall asleep which always gets my emotions worked up. I literally stood in the hall and put them back every minute or so rotating between the two kids. Luckily Owen actually slept the whole time and woke up 15 minutes after they went down...go figure! My emotions have been building for the last few days and it all came spilling out around hour 2 of the nap battle. They both had a brief moment of staying in bed so I thought i'd sit down and eat Ben and Jerry's and watch some tv. (typical depressed girl thing to do) Well within 5 minutes of having it on a commercial for Banner MD Anderson clinic came on and I lost it to the say the least. My heart went up into my throat and the tears poured! I gained my composure when the kids heard me and came running in to see what was wrong. Put them back in bed...went into the kitchen...and collapsed to the floor in tears. I had a loud and honest chat with God about how I was feeling right there on the kitchen floor. Angry, upset, confused, frustrated, let down, fearful, and alone just to name some of the feelings I was experiencing. I wish I could say that I got answers to my questions and have peace tonight...but I don't. I am still at a place of unrest and confusion. God did however calm my heart and remind me tenderly that He still loved me despite my emotions! I keep thinking that I should be over these feelings by now, but then realize it hasn't even been 3 weeks since you died and if it was a post-partum situation I would still be on orders to take it easy for 3 more weeks! hehe So the grieving process continues. I have had some amazing encouragement from friends and I am so grateful that God has placed them in my life! Anna sent me an email last night and said something that perfectly phrased what I have been feeling. "The loss of a loved one is as though you are learning to live all over again but this time with a handicap or disability." You were so much a part of my life that not having you here is like suddenly being disabled. I have to relearn how to live without my daddy here. I am beyond glad to have a Heavenly Father to lean on, give me advice, and encourage me. And I have a wonderful father in law who will always be there for me too. So even though I am in the pits right now, I do feel blessed and know that God still has a plan in this and that He didn't make a mistake when He took you home.
I had such a rough afternoon I decided that I needed to go visit your grave, so we went to dinner, then to Hobby Lobby to get some stuff. Colin asked at dinner if his grandpa Wayne was still at the "mineral home". I told him that you would be there for a very long time and he said he didn't want you to stay there because he wanted to see you. That broke my heart! So I had him come in with me and he picked out the decorations to put on your grave. In typical Colin fashion he picked out a giant pinwheel and wanted to keep it for himself when we got there. So you only got a few small ones...sorry. hehe We stopped and got slushies at Sonic and now we are all just relaxing after a long day. I feel very drained and have a lot of physical signs of my stress (migraine, head pain, jaw pain, sore teeth, and nausea) but I am praying for a better day emotionally tomorrow!
As always I love you daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Took the kids to your grave tonight to decorate it for the 4th of July!
Owen's first two teeth! Finally got a picture!
The kids during their swim lesson...Owen was just an observer.
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