6 months too long

You have now been in Heaven 6 months...but it's been more like...well the "other place" down here. While driving in the car today, I was telling Colin that he needed to stay away from Owen because he was running a fever and he immediately responded with, "Yea, because then I will get sick, and I will start throwing up and then I will die. And I can't come back until there is a new heaven and a new earth. And I will have to go in a grave that says Colin Spears." Ugh, a 4 year old should not know all of that!!! He then proceeded to ask me if he had ever died or if he has gone to heaven, etc. So much talk of death and heaven in our house...something I never would imagined at this stage in life! I miss hearing you sing your own version of Christmas songs (that aren't G rated so I won't quote on here!), trying to come up with a gift for the man who had everything, driving around looking at Christmas lights with you, going to Zoolights as a family, the cool weather which resulted in you driving with the windows rolled down and mooing at the cows as we passed, so many things I will never get to experience again with you. Makes the holiday season pretty depressing. You would be proud of mom though, she took on the tradition of getting totally random gifts! I had to laugh because even Bryan said, "wow, your mom is becoming your dad in gift giving!" They were still fun unique gifts...just not ones she would have normally picked out. I think she had some "divine help". hehe
  Well I had my first midwife appt and ultrasound today. It took fooooooorever but I got to see a quick peek of the little Spears. Life is truly amazing at only 7.5 weeks the heart was beating, the arms and legs were forming, and you could see the face forming. Makes my baby sickness seem more bearable! My due date is right around your birthday so maybe this baby will share a birthday with its grandpa!
  The kiddos went to Grandpa Jack's office today and got to see rockets and all sorts of fun things. We were all supposed to go, but Owen and Bryan got a little flu bug so I stayed home with them and Candee took the kids. They had a blast and Colin asked Grandpa Jack when the rocket was going to come back down. Cecily got to write on the big white board but due to not having a nap was a wee bit of a crab I hear! Sadly you can't take pictures there so I don't have any pics of them, but just imagine them standing there next to a rocket..or something. hehe
   I have lots to clean up...mostly "the pile" as the kids have nick-named it. Basically imagine all their toys....thrown on the living room floor. Yea, that's "the pile". It's going to take forever to clean up so I guess I should get started. Tobin had her opening night at the circus this week and I hear she is doing awesome! We are going on Saturday to see her and Mattie in the Nutcracker then Sunday to see the circus. G and G Strunk are coming in town this weekend so we are looking forward to seeing them! We love and miss you...even the newest sprout that will never officially meet you here on earth!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Some pictures from this week. The first is obviously from my u/s today...not a great picture but I still adore him/her! The others are from the kiddos...Colin is really into making cheese art and asks me to take a picture to post. He's such a funny kid!

 

A tale of 2 lines

  Back in mid November I started not feeling very well. I kept thinking I had a tummy bug but after a few days of this...plus a few other symptoms that are not flu signs, I became suspicious that someone else was causing it. Just like mommy I am really good about charting with NFP so according to my chart it wasn't possible to be pregnant but I just couldn't shake the feeling. So after a few days I decided what the heck and just took a test. I took it...expecting a negative I threw it out after looking at it as it developed and not seeing anything appear. A few hours later I went back to use the ladies room (hehe) and glanced down and I swore I saw a second line. I picked it back up and there it was...a second line. I wondered if it was an evap since it was waaaay past when you are supposed to look at it, so I took another (much to Bryan's dismay...he hates when I "waste" tests on something I already know is true! haha) and it appeared right away. I didn't tell Bryan immediately because honestly I had a flood of emotions. The first grand baby who would not get to meet their Grandpa Wayne. It was literally a weight in my chest and as much as I was thrilled, I was devastated to know you would not be here to hear the news and I wouldn't get to see the glow on your face when you found out you had another grand baby on the way. We sat down to eat lunch and after a few minutes I looked at Bryan and said, "So you think you can handle 4?" He got a big smile and said, "Bring it!" I love that he is just as excited as I am every time God blesses us with another little treasure! I called mom and told her because I had decided before we even got pregnant again that I wouldn't tell right away like I normally do...but I had to tell someone! I waited a little while to tell the siblings, and it was funny because I brought Owen to lunch in a Big Bro t-shirt and no one noticed...so I had to point it out and the first person to get it was Tobin. Mattie kind of took a minute to process and Dorothy and Weston weren't far behind. Wayne-O couldn't careless but secretly I think he was excited! haha We texted Christian a picture of Owen and he was just as excited as everyone else to be an uncle again! We have slowly told close friends and family over the last 4.5 weeks and we told the Spears by giving them an ornament that says "Miracle in the Making". I had to laugh though because both Jack and Candee had to get their glasses on when they pulled it out so they could read it...such old folks! haha We waited to tell the kids until today since I didn't want Colin to say anything...and his response was, "Can it be a boy so we can have 3 boys?" I asked him if he didn't want another sister and he said, "no, not really! Just Cessy." I think she is more than enough sister for him! hehehe I have no idea when I am due because it doesn't line up with my chart, so I have ultrasound on Thursday at what should be 7-9 weeks. I will post pictures for you of your little g-baby!
   So the last 4ish weeks have been full of nausea, sitting by the toilet, low blood pressure, dizziness, and exhaustion. Ah, the joys of pregnancy! Lucky for me, it will only get worse! ha! This really has been a very difficult pregnancy for me emotionally. I didn't anticipate having so much anxiety with it but I find myself worrying about miscarrying (even though I am sick), and pre-dreading the fact that you will no longer be the first visitor to come over after the baby is born. With Owen you had just had a chemo treatment so you didn't come right away, but you came as soon as you could! I sadly realized I don't have a picture of Owen with you the first time you held him and that made me sad. You even took me to midwife appointments when I wasn't up for driving myself. Pregnancy hormones make this so much worse! *sigh* Poor Bryan has been going crazy with all my moodiness...I owe him big if I keep this up for 7+ more months! Should be interesting to see what people's reaction is...like Jim Gaffigan said, "No one congratulates you on your 4th...they look at you like your Amish, 'That's one way to live your life'". They better watch out though...because I am sick, hormonal, and not in the mood to take crap! They will either be excited or keep their mouth shut if they don't want to get an ear full from me! haha Ok, maybe just a dirty look since I am non-confrontational. hehehe I remember one time you took ALL 4 of us to the grocery store and the lady said, "Are these ALL yours?!" And you replied, "Yep! And I got more at home!" She made some disgusted noise and you just smiled and said, "And I'll keep having them!" You were always proud of us and no matter who tried to bash our family size, you always stood up for us and made us feel loved, wanted, and accepted. I will always cherish that and hope my kids always know that we will love #1 just the same as #13!
  Colin surprised me this week with a conversation he had with Jesus. I heard him in his room talking, and I just thought he was playing. He came out a little while later with an orange cross and said, "Mom, I asked Jesus where my grandpa was, and he told me really loud that He healed him. He kind of yelled at me!" I chuckled not knowing what to think of it, and he proceeded to say, "He told me that grandpa is no longer in his grave, but Jesus came with us when we visited him." I got chills hearing what he said! I have never had a conversation like this before so I know it was not something he has heard me say. I don't know if he was actually "talking" to Jesus but I am convinced he at least had some sort of heart to heart with Him because there is no way he could have made that up! I wish I had that kind of faith! So often I just talk and talk and talk and I don't listen to His response. I wonder how much I missing out on by not just sitting, mouth shut, and listening to His voice.
  Well I am gonna go sit in "spot" because I feel like tossing my cookies. Today is the first day of Hannukah and my intention of making latkes has gone out the window because I am just trying to not throw up my lunch! We will read our story, light the menorah, and open a gift tonight. Colin wants to skip right to the gift, but I told him he needs to know the reason behind the holiday, not just get a gift!
I love and miss you daddy, tell Geoffrey that he has another sibling on the way, if he doesn't already know!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Here are some pictures for ya, the first 4 are obvious. Then I added 1 from Bryan's office party last night and the kids being goofy with grammie while she watched them during the party.

Being Thankful

We made it through our first Thanksgiving without you. One word: tough! Honestly it's really hard to FEEL thankful when all I can think about is that you should be here with us still. I did the 30 days of Thankfulness on facebook, and I told Bryan it was my way of trying to get in the mood of being thankful...but truth be told most days I struggled through it. I sat there staring...trying to not let the sadness rob me of my ability to see God's blessings all around me. It was humbling to have Him show me all the good/great things He has given me. I wish I could say I spent November really dwelling on His goodness but it was a rough month...like all the others since June. I am learning that this is just life right now, and with time the pain will become less debilitating and those happy times won't be robbed quite so often of their joy. I had one moment of coming close to tears as we did the dishes at your house and that moment hit of, "daddy always did these!" I have pictures of you at almost every holiday doing the "clean up". It was my favorite picture to take of you...and now the last one I have is from almost a year ago since you weren't feeling well most of this year. I may have to frame it and keep it with me at holidays to put next to the sink as I do the dishes...yes I think I shall!
  I had one non-grief related God-teaching moment this week. And it came via Cecily...she walks around all day (in fact I literally just heard her say "I am a princess!) talking about how beautiful I am, how beautiful she is, that she is a princess, etc. and I had never really thought much of it. Then on Thursday as I helped her wash her hands she looked at me in the mirror and said, "Oh mommy, you're beautiful!" and in that moment I realized I had lost something when I grew up...my ability to see my beauty as Christ sees me. So many times I look at myself in the mirror and immediately I zone in on my "problem" areas...forehead, zits, smile, teeth, etc. and I judge myself. But I was brought back to when I was a child I clearly remember thinking "wow! I am so pretty!" I could have been wearing the most mismatched outfit ever, but to me, I was perfect! When as I grew up did Satan begin to feed me those lies that I am less than beautiful? It was a slow fade...it didn't happen all at once. But before I knew it...I was believing him instead of listening to that small voice saying, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made!" My prayer is that Cecily never stops seeing herself as beautiful...not in the vain way...in the way that God sees her! May she never look at herself and see her for less than who she really is...God's princess! You always made me feel beautiful and I remember so many times you told me how pretty I was as I got dressed up for things. My last memory of you admiring my beauty was just 2 weeks before you died. I got ready for Steve's wedding at your house and even though you could barely speak or open your eyes you got the words out, "you look lovely" and squeezed my hand. I will always cherish that last compliment from my daddy! Great...now I am crying! I do have to throw out there though that Bryan does compliment me every single day, so it's not for a lack of him trying that I struggle with my self-esteem! hehe
  Well, I got my meals planned for the week, the rest of my Christmas cards ready to mail out, and some misc. house work done. Didn't accomplish as much as I wanted but I rarely do! I love you and I miss you like crazy! Thank you for always reminding me that I truly am beautiful!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
  Some pictures from thanksgiving as well as some cute ones of the kids. Mommy also sent me some from Weston's birthday laser tag night. I love the one of Colin talking to everyone like he is 8 years old too!

Transference

  I was discussing with mom how she is picking up some of your funny traits and bad habits. Which ones you may ask? Well for starters the lady who rarely ate at McDonald's...goes there a few times a week! You used to eat there weekly and your poison of choice was the Filet-O-Fish. I gag just thinking about it! I remember many car trips where you insisted on ordering 1 or 2 and they smelled the whole car up...both during and after consumption! We would all yell at you and you would just do your maniacal laugh and keep on eating! Mommy however does not order the Filet-O-Fish. And the day she does we will know she really lost it! She also has like 3-4 different text conversations with people throughout the day....CRAZY!!! Little miss anti-social is getting a social life! Bet you didn't see that coming! Then there are the sarcastic and witty remarks she has started making to us...she isn't quite the seasoned pro that you were...but she is getting there!
   Life...hmmm that is a tough one! I am so far behind on everything I now feel like it's gonna take weeks to catch back up! I finally got ALL the laundry in the house done and put away..Hallelujah! And that includes rugs, towels, etc. But toys, dusting, dishes, floors...yea...it's not pretty! Colin told me that I need to pick them up because he can't find anything! hahaha I told him he COULD pick them up himself...but I think he knows me well enough to know I would prefer he not do that since they won't end up in the right spot. I am also doing a major toy purge before the holidays because as it is we are totally running out of space and I refuse to buy more bins to store things in!
  I heard this song today and it's "my" song at the moment. It's called, "Need you Now" and it's kind of dramatic...but honestly, I feel a little dramatic lately. The part of the lyrics that echoed my heart were,
"How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now."
 Just last night Colin said to me with tears in his eyes, "I just really miss my grandpa!" In those moments I literally feel the breathe come out of me! And like the song says, He gives me strength to just keep breathing. It is so easy to become so overwhelmed and full of grief that even breathing seems difficult to handle. As time is going on that hard, knot in my stomach reality has set it, I really won't ever have you here again. There is so much denial at first which is something I never realized existed. I would see someone in my situation and hear them say it didn't seem real and I'd think, "How can it not seem real?!" but just like so many other things through this experience..I get it! Your brain takes a while to process what has happened. It has to catch up. Mine has caught up...and I don't like it one bit! Living in the false hope of MAYBE having you back made the pain less sharp. Now there is no denying...you are gone. A vapor in the wind...here today gone tomorrow. Well metaphorically since you've been dead almost 6 months! So there ya go...I am in the "Acceptance stage" of grief. Whatever the means!
  Moving on to your grandkids. Colin is becoming such a wonderful helper! It's amazing what a difference a 4 year old can make! He is almost totally self-sufficient and on top of that he helps me with Cessy and Owen. I can trust him to keep on eye on them if I leave the room and he is very gentle with them. Ok, he is gentle with Owen...Cessy well she pushes his buttons so I can't blame him when he lashes out! haha He's doing well in pre-school and told me all about what he learned about Thanksgiving last week. Squanto, how he helped the Pilgrims,the Mayflower, etc. He was very proud of everything he learned! Cecily, oh Cecily! She keeps me on my toes! She is sneaky, a tad mean, curious, BUT she is also loving, my little helper around the house, and a future ballerina! Her favorite thing is to put on tutus, ballet shoes, and a crown and dance around the house! Tobin let her wear a pair of pointe shoes yesterday and we couldn't get them off her! She LOVED them! Makes this momma happy! Little Owen...I hate to say this...but someone took my sweet baby and gave me a feisty toddler! He is trying to walk, learned to hit, bite, and yell when he doesn't get his way, and signs milky, more, and please. He spends most of his day playing with superhero action figures and growling. At only 10 months he gravitates towards the Ironman or Spiderman over the baby dolls or Barbies. It really is funny how boys just know what is "cool" to play with! I am spending most of my day though working on those above mentioned issues because when I say he hits and yells to get his way...I mean he does it allllllll day! He follows me around hitting me and yelling at me if I don't give in to his every whim. It's not pretty...mom was shocked when she saw him yesterday being so aggressive with me! I knew having older siblings would bring some of that out in him, but I didn't anticipate it starting so soon! It is not fun but I have to teach him now because other wise he is gonna be the terror every where we go! haha
  Well I better get to bed! I had a long day going on a field trip with Colin's class, then to Tempe Marketplace to pick up Cessy (she had a sleepover with Grammie. And mom texted me a picture in the morning just like you always used to! It made me smile!) then spent the day *trying* to clean my house and getting a snack for Cubbies tomorrow. I love you much and miss you more!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
You and mommy in your younger years! Hot stuff!

These are from the happenings of the week. The Thanksgiving parade at Colin's school, a cool spoon I got Bryan that I know you would appreciate, Cessy and Tobin dancing, Cessy in your spot, and the field trip today. The picture of Owen is what his crazy siblings did to him a few days ago, and the one of Cessy is how she dressed herself...Princess Ballerina!