End of the Year Reflections

About an hour ago, Bryan tucked me in and kissed me goodnight, within thirty minutes my acid reflux hit and baby started tap dancing. So I decided it was as good a time as any to post one last post in 2014. Looking back, this year has had some incredible highs and some difficult lows. January we celebrated Owen turning 2 with a huge shark party! It was so fun and a party I will always remember..though he may not! April Cecily turned 4 and we had a party fit for a princess! June Bryan and I celebrated 7 years of marriage and Stacey said I do. We also added a spunky, social, fun, puppy to our family, Mollie. She has been so fun for the kids and her and Lucy are BFF's! July Bryan and I both turned a whole year older and are starting to feel those years in our joints. hehe Lucy also had a birthday in July and turned a whole 1 year! An I Love Lucy party just seemed appropriate and boy was it ever over the top! One of my best parties..besides the shark! August 1st we found out we were expecting a new treasure! September brought about another birthday and your oldest grandson turned 6! We had a low key lego birthday and he thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with his friends and building legos with them! I also started a daily homeschool schedule with the kids, which as hard as it has been, it has been so rewarding to see them absorb what I am teaching them. October mommy got married and it was quite the big to do! Your yard got turned into a fairy tale venue and was simply exquisite! The last two months we have celebrated Thanksgiving and Hannukah and tomorrow we ring in a new year! It seemed to go by in a flash!

  We survived yet another year without you even though at times it seemed near impossible. I saw a "motivational picture" that said, "The hardest part wasn't losing you, it was learning to live without you." Those words echo in my head daily. Though it was so very hard watching you pass away, your body was so very sick and knowing the relief you felt the moment Jesus took you home makes my heart rejoice for you! But since then, living without you here has been such an incredibly hard learning experience! Learning to be ok with all the moments you've missed, the birthdays you won't get to celebrate, the holidays we won't get to spend with you, those are a wound that bleed without warning. All the times your grandkids did or said something funny and my first thought was "OH daddy would get such a kick out this!" And then my heart dropping when I realized I couldn't tell you. Those moments are hard. Today my heart was especially heavy as I learned about the passing of a few people's loved ones from cancer and an incredible young lady who is at the end of her battle and will soon meet Jesus. My heart aches not for those who are now with Jesus, they are in the place we all long to be, but for those they leave behind who have to learn to live without them. Our reminder this place is not our home!

  So as this year comes to a close, I have so many things God has taught me, and so much more to learn! I am looking forward to all that 2015 has in store and all the big changes it may hold for our family! We think of you often and hold your memory dear to our hearts! Give my baby a New Years kiss from his mommy!

Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

You would have gotten these for Hannukah this year. :-)

What I am Not

Hello my dear daddy! As usual you are missed greatly and the kids talk of you daily and ask to see your pictures or feel your fingerprint on my necklace. We have many talks of Heaven and recently Colin has been very curious about what his soul is and why he has one. It has been so neat to get to share Jesus with him and to see his little heart processing it all. Cecily too has been thinking about Jesus and why she needs Him and she asked if she could talk with me and daddy about inviting Him into her heart. Sweet times indeed and ones I have been praying for in their lives! God is so faithful!
  Recently I came across something that spoke very loudly to me because it's exactly what my human heart is very prone to doing. It simply read, "Don't spend time focusing on what you are not, instead focus on what you ARE." I am my worst critic. I, admittedly, spend most of my day beating myself up about what I am not, that it cripples me to be the best at the things He did create me to be. The enemy likes to frequently remind me that I am slacking in many areas others around me excel in and it somehow makes me feel like I then fail at everything because I am not good at these other areas. I fall prey to this mentality more times than I would like to admit.
I am not the mom who makes her kids lunch to match what they are learning in school.
I am not the mom that can keep her house immaculate anymore.
I am not goal oriented.
I don't think of writing love notes to leave in Bryan's backpack until after he leaves...then it's too late. It's the thought that counts in that situation, right?
I don't get up for my kids birthdays and make them this wonderful birthday breakfast and decorate their room.
I can't garden to save my life, the only thing I can keep alive are children.
I am not good at change, even if that change would make my life easier. (Things like different laundry schedule. Cleaning schedule. Getting up early to accomplish things BEFORE the kid wake up. Etc.)
I am not motivated to do all the projects that I have swirling around in my head.
The list goes on!
As I type them out, it seems so silly to let things like that define me, but they do. I feel so guilty about falling short in these areas, and yet deep down I know it's ok to not be the "jack of all trades". The mom's that I idolize that in my mind have it ALL, have their own areas of weakness. I just don't see them. It's so easy for me to just assume they are the epitome of what it means to be an excellent wife, mom, and friend, yet they have their own struggles and imperfections. So my resolve is to quit focusing on what I am not and focus on what I am. God made me with exactly what I need to be Carley Spears and trying to become someone I am not is foolishness. It's not to say I don't have areas I need to grow in...but the things I beat myself up on are not things that will further my walk with the Lord, they are simply a worldly comparison to those around me and that is...well sinful!
  Time to catch you up your grandkids! Colin is creeping up to my height slowly but surely! We have had a rough time lately but I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel...for this stage. He is doing amazing in school and Math seems to be his thing. He gets 100% on all his tests with no help from me. He loves to learn...though he would deny that...and is always inquiring about things around him that he sees, hears, etc. Cecily is also growing like crazy right now and trying to catch up to her brother! She is also doing well in school but math is not her strong point! haha She is still running on Cecily time and does things at her own pace. A character trait that we are learning to just love and embrace because it's who she is...we will however have to forewarn her future husband because he will need to allow a loooot more time to get out of the house than he thinks! haha She still loves princesses and all things pink but can get dirty with her brothers and throw mud with the best of em! Owen is amazing us everyday with his clear vocabulary and understanding of what is going on around him. His imagination is starting to really take off and he comes up with the funniest little stories when he is playing! I love just sitting and listening to him while he plays or talking to him about dinosaurs, sharks, superheros, and so on. He is a mommy's boy and is constantly complimenting me, kissing me, and just giving me smiles from across the room. Lucy is a sweet, feisty little gal! Her personality is blossoming every day and she is always making Bryan and I laugh at her antics. She knows her mind, and if you get in her way or tell her no she will let you know she is unhappy in the most dramatic way possible! That usually means throwing herself on the floor and screaming at the top of her lungs. She also loves to climb...anything...and everything! We usually find her on the table, chair, desk, beds, etc. If she thinks it's dangerous, she wants to do it! She is by far my most independent child! She does not want help, and if you try, she will get angry. Recently we thought she just didn't like her dinner...turned out she didn't like Bryan feeding it to her, she wanted to do it herself! She happily ate the whole plate when allowed to feed herself. I take this as both a good and bad thing! haha
 Well that about it wraps it up! We are enjoying the holiday season and spent tonight at Zoolights. I love the family time and being able to see people we don't usually get to see! They do however remind me very deeply who is missing...and I find myself having dreams of you nightly. I never want to wake up but sadly I do. I guess I will appreciate being able to "see" you if just in my dreams! I love and miss you dearly!
Your favorite Second Born,
Carley
My laptop won't let me add pics so I will have to add them later!

Sticks and Stones

Hello from your very tired, very frustrated daughter. The last few weeks have been really challenging for many reasons. God must be really ironing out some major wrinkles in my character because I am feeling very stretched. For starters we are battling a lot of disobedience in Colin and it's been a very mentally and emotionally {sometimes physically} exhausting few weeks. I honestly miss being able to just enjoy him, and not dread every encounter with him because I know it will result in a battle of some kind. I have been pouring hours and hours of prayer into what his heart is battling and I feel like He has given me some glimpses of what is going on that little heart and mind. Dad, I don't know how you mom did this with 7 of us?! If it were a simple, "Don't do that." or "Obey" it wouldn't be so bad, but I learned what you and mom knew all along, addressing the outward behavior only does so much good, you have to get to the heart of the matter and help them become who God wants them to be. With that comes major opposition from the enemy who would love to see me fail as a mom and Colin fall into a pattern of sin. It's so monotonous sometimes to feel like we are back where we started with some of these issues but I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel and I pray I can hang in there until then! haha
  The other frustration I have is people's need to try to tell us how many children we should or shouldn't have. I don't care how many they have, so why do they need to tell me how many we should have? Last I checked they're not raising them, paying for them, or carrying/pushing them out. It's even more hurtful when it comes from friends or family. I know "people like us" are a strange kind of person, and it goes against modern train of thought to have more than 2-3 kids, but come on they are kids not parasites!!! Each one of these little people are so incredibly precious and I can't imagine not having them here! I only wish you could be here to get to know them too. I had a nice cry fest about it the other night, it's so unfair to me while some people take it for granted they are still here to see my children, you would have been over the moon excited for each one...from 1 to 20. You always encouraged me and Bryan in our conviction about family and set that example in real life. Something I am deeply grateful for!!! So the lesson I am learning here is that ultimately it doesn't matter what other people think of me or how many kids we have, all we are called to do is live by the very deep-rooted conviction He gave us and He will bless us for walking in Faith and Conviction. I wish I could say sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, but so far it still stings deeply when people say things about our family. I personally can handle it and chalk it up to silly/thoughtless comments, but when the kids hear it, it hurts my heart that they are getting the idea in their head that they are somehow "weird" an "inconvenience" or from a family of "freaks". Colin is pretty perceptive and has picked up on a few times, and those were hard conversations but he understood...as much as a 6 year old can. I guess I just need to get thicker skin or have some really solid come backs. hehe I can remember many of yours and they always made us giggle as kids and showed us how much you adored and wanted us.
  Well I better get to bed! I gotta get up bright and early to clean out the van! It somehow managed to become a hoarding buried alive vehicle! Ugh!
 I love you, miss you, and anxiously await the day I get to see you again!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Tamara did some family pictures this year for the Spears...here are a few of your favorite grandkids!

Dis-Connected

Needless to say daddy the last 2.5 years have brought about some pretty radical change in our family. One day you think life will keep going on as it always has and the next you hear that your dad is terminally ill and won't make it through the summer. Change has never been something I am good with, in fact I go out of my way to avoid it. We eat at the same places, I order the same few rotation of things and rarely think to try something new. I do the dishes and laundry the same way I did them from the start of our marriage including folding and how I put them in the drawers. OCD doesn't really cover it I guess. haha Somethings however I have no control over and eventually have to learn to accept. This last year has felt like one change after another! Stacey getting married, getting pregnant with #5, changing churches, mom remarrying, and us hopefully moving into a new house. These changes have kind of sent me into panic mode...not going to lie! One of the most difficult changes for both Bryan and I was the decision that we needed to seek another church. Bryan has gone there since birth and I've gone there for about 14 years I think. We love it, we love the people, we love the teaching, however God strongly laid on our hearts {years} ago that He has other plans with our family. We fought it so hard because we didn't *want* to leave. Some people leave churches because of disagreements, disputes with other members, etc, we have none of that! We simply knew God was telling us it was time to move on. We talked about it so much over the last 3 years and really sought the Lord on the direction He was taking us and because we didn't have a clear picture about where that was we just kept doing our thing until we got some clarity. Last summer after Lucy was born we really went through some major transition and growing pains as a family and that is when we knew we needed to take the step and trust He knew what was best. We mostly did church at home on Sundays as a family and it was a good time of growing for us. Fast forward to this year and our family vision just kind of...formed. We never really had any clear "direction" other than the convictions we live in our daily life so to suddenly go "YES! THIS is what God is doing with us!" felt really liberating! We still have not found "the church" yet but God has directed our path and I know He will make it clear to us when we are where He wants us. It's a very strange feeling to not have a home church and be disconnected from that supprt because we've been connected to one for so long but it also has forced us to rely on Him and to branch out of our comfort zone and meet new people and form new friendships, for that I am truly grateful!
I have a stack of laundry {literally} the size of the Texas on my couch so I need to go fold it before I crash! I love you and miss you so much! Life is pretty crazy right now but God is good even in the crazy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Here are some grandkid pics for you! They're growing way too fast!

Colin and his giant pooper scooper

 Can you believe how big he is daddy?!

 Remember when we were little and we would trash the yard? I never understood why you got so mad...until my own children did it it to me! I'm deeply sorry for ruining your landscape that I know you worked so hard on!

 Car rides wear this little guy out!

 Our oldest in Heaven and oldest on Earth.

 Colin and Mollie are buds!

 Your little Cessy ballerina!

 Owen is a ham like you! He loves to make people laugh!

 We took a family zoo trip last weekend, it was so fun!

 Here is our Mollie...growing up so fast!

 Crazy Lucy! She is Tobin's child in every way!

 Wouldn't sleep....then fell asleep mid play!

 Homeschool trip to a farm! They had a blast until the way home when all they could say is, "I'm hot. I'm hungry. That place had flies and smelled like poop I don't want to go there again!" Can't win!

 Seriously she is the cutest thing!

 15 weeks with your 5th grandbaby!

7th in Heaven

Next week marks the 7th heavenly birthday for our oldest baby! It seems like it was yesterday but somehow also an eternity. Like all trauma in life it is seared into my memory and an experience I will never forget! As a child when I would hear mom talk of a friend who had miscarried I didn't have an understanding of what all that meant. In my childlike mind it was "a tiny baby died, came out (pain free of course), and life moves on". I was completely unaware of the whole spectrum of things that happen during a miscarriage! In some ways ignorance is bliss but truthfully I wish I had been more prepared because it caught me very off guard! I remember like it was yesterday coming home from Wendy Newman's after work and going to use the bathroom. I was surprised to see a certain "sign" because everything had gone smoothly up until that point. I called my midwife and she reassured me it can be normal to have that happen so try not to freak out. It continued for the next 2 days but stayed minimal so I tried to just keep myself busy to get my mind off of it. By the next evening though I wasn't feeling right and I just knew he was gone. The 3rd day I woke up and it was painfully obvious I had lost him. What should have been the first week of my second trimester was instead a week of grief and tears. That day I experienced physical pain unlike anything I have ever experienced before even up until now! Just trying to imagine it makes me sick to my stomach again and makes my heart race! Adding to it to the emotional trauma and it makes for a life experience I will never forget! After about 3 hours of the worst pain of my life I literally cried out to Jesus telling Him I couldn't do it anymore and I needed it to stop! I almost had Bryan call an ambulance, which shows how bad I felt because I HATE hospitals! True to His grace though, within minutes of that cry He calmed my body down, the pain ceased, and I fell into a DEEP sleep. I woke up hours later to Bryan sitting next to me ask me how I was feeling. I told him I was glad that was over and I never wanted to go through that again! I had no idea at the time how deeply that impacted him, until I came across a journal entry he had written a few months later. Watching his new wife in that much pain was just as much a nightmare for him as it was for me. He felt so completely helpless and heartbroken! That evening Candee came over and brought us dinner and grieved with us. She was just leaving when I felt the weirdest sensation...I needed to push. I told Bryan in a panicked voice (I thought I had already had the baby and just didn't know) "something is going to come out!" as I ran to the bathroom. Moments later little Geoffrey Owen came out. Bryan picked him up and had him in the palm of his hand. That imagine is something I think of often because it's the only time I got to see my baby here on Earth. His dark little eyes through his eyelids, teeny tiny arms and legs curled up. He was perfect! We had contemplated what to do with him because I wasn't far enough to cremate him but throwing him away just seemed...wrong. My best friend went and bought us a little wooden box and we put him inside and buried him in the back yard. We also had to buy a shovel because we didn't own one and I remember Bryan commenting on how it was the worst reason to need to buy a shovel. His hands were covered in blisters by the time he finished digging in the hard AZ dirt, but he didn't care. We buried him with a stuffed animal we had received when we first found out we were expecting, and notes from both of us. We came inside, sat down on the couch, and for the first time since the whole experience began, Bryan broke down and sobbed. Seeing your big, strong, husband sob like that as he looked at the blisters on his hands and the dirt on his clothing was heart wrenching. That moment was so necessary for our marriage though! It made us see a side of each other that we never would have seen otherwise. We were able to grieve together and to cry out to God together, and He met us where we were and gave us both a beautiful peace. We knew this loss was Heaven's gain and one day we would meet the baby we buried too soon. The months following were hard...I had times of being angry, grief when a friend announced they were expecting, and sadness when the babies due at the same time he would have been were born. God gave us a beautiful gift after that pain though in the form of Colin. I am forever grateful and humbled by His goodness during that dark time. That whole experience also gave me an even greater desire to fight for the unborn! If our little guy looked like that at only 13 weeks....how could someone purposely kill him/her?! They're told they aren't a "human" yet and that they can't feel anything. Oh how deceitful the enemy is! He had LIFE, his heart had a beat at one time, he had arms and legs, and he had EYES though his lids were still closed. He was/is a PERSON. Just because he was wanted didn't make him more of a person than a baby who is unwanted. Not even close! My deepest desire is for women to understand the immense GIFT of a child at all times, in any physical condition, in any circumstance. It's not always an easy path, but how many women have missed out on the beautiful treasure God had given them because they let fear/doubt creep in?
 Well daddy, that got long, but I guess I needed to get that off my chest! My kids are now asking to go to a park so I think I will oblige since the weather is perfect! I love you and miss you so! Please give my boy a kiss from me and tell him Happy Birthday from his mommy and daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Psalm 139:13

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Heaviness

It's nearly 2am and I'm laying in bed with an enormous weight on my chest. So much I want to say yet I'm learning less is more. I sometimes hate growing up, daddy. The enormous responsibility that comes with it and maneuvering this crazy world as a grown up is insanely overwhelming. I miss the carefree days when not much mattered expect which Barbie I would play with, which dress up gown is wear, and what gross veggie mom would make us try at dinner time. I never realized then how much you and mom were actually going through because in my own little world everything was peachy. I so desperately wish I could go back to those days for just a moment, just to feel what it's like to not carry such heavy burdens. And as I type this I see so clearly why I'm struggling....I'M trying to carry these loads. Of course I can't, I wasn't designed to walk this path alone, I have the strong and capable arms of the One who made me. Why is it that prayer is often our last resort? I heard it said recently that one of the silliest things to say is, "well, we've done all we can, so now all we can do is pray!" ALL we can do is pray? ALL we can do is ask the creator of the universe, the one who made all things, who knows us by name, formed us in the womb to take care of us?! That should be our FIRST go to....not LAST resort. So often I find myself being that very person, I try on my own before I ask for help. Like a stubborn child. How much have I missed out on simply because I used Him as a last resort? It's so humbling! This has been a much needed chat with you! I started out this conversation feeling totally confused, helpless, and misunderstood. The weight is now lifted and even though I still don't know how to handle the situation I'm in, I know someone who does, and I know He'll help me through!
I love you daddy!
Your favorite second born,
Carley

I drew this picture for you on a hard day....now it seems appropriate since I'm having a rough time.

A Missed Anniversary

Today would have been you and mommy's 29th wedding anniversary. Ironically I received the wedding invite for her and Tim's wedding today. I took her out to lunch for you and left roses by her bed, I knew she would have an emotional day. We had a chat during lunch and one thing that came up that we both read in a blog was a gal who stated something along the lines of: "This new life after losing a loved one wasn't unplanned. God knew all along that this would be our future. We only see in time, He sees in Eternity." It helps so much to realize that though this was a huge blow and seemed to come out of left field, it really wasn't unexpected. God knew from the beginning of time that this would be our families journey. He ordained your days, just the same as He has ordained mine. For us your life was cut short, to Him, it was exactly to the last second He had planned. It might not make me feel any better because in MY mind you lived until a ripe old age, but it does help me realize the importance of giving each day to Him because He already has my future planned! Is there anything wrong with thinking about all the fun things Bryan and I will do if we both make it until he retires or how many grandkids we will have? No, but I also can't get so wrapped up in what I WANT to happen that I miss what He is trying to do NOW.
 I love you and miss you terribly!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

We Love Lucy Pt 2

A year ago I wrote you about the birth of your 4th grandbaby. This last year was filled with so many ups and downs that I can't possibly cram them all into one post! I knew that her birth and first year would be hard because it is the first baby that you never got to meet. I went all out in true Carley form for her 1st birthday and it was such a fun time! Candee of course helped me so much and I don't know what I would do without her expertize! She helps bring everything I am imagining in my head out and into real life! I am so blessed by her! Truthfully though, it was a very difficult day for me emotionally. At one point I just needed to sneak away and I went into your closet....looked at where your tasseled shoes and DBA dress shirts (color coded) once hung and I couldn't hold back the tears. Mommy's things now hang there and there is no trace of your clothing or shoes, and soon Tim's things will replace those. Life has moved on, and there is both sweetness and pain in that motion. Throwing parties without you is so surreal because you always loved my big parties and helped out as much as you could! Getting ice, bringing table and chairs, mopping the floors on your hands and knees, cleaning the back patio so it glistened. You helped me in any way you could...and liked it! I had so much help but I don't think either mom or Bryan really LIKED it. hehe But parties and people aren't really their thing so I guess that's ok! I feel like the last standing "People person" in the family so that is a lot of responsibility! I know that as time goes on parties without you there will seem more normal but I still catch myself waiting to hear your voice asking what you can do, who all is coming, what I need at costco, or if the toilet needs another do-over. Despite not having you here the party did go very well and we all enjoyed celebrating our little Lucy! She has been such a heart smile to our family and we are all smitten with her! She loves to dance, mimic what she sees people doing (this is both cute and bad), is very stubborn (she is a typical 4th born like her Auntie Tobin), she knows what she wants and will not take a substitute, she is a bit rough but we are working on her "gentle hands", she loves to snuggle with me, snuggles with Mollie in between pulling her tail, and ADORES her older siblings. She is almost walking and is my latest walker. But I guess that is ok because I don't want her to grow up too quickly! I am enjoying the baby stage and soaking in every moment with her! God really does know what He is doing and His timing in giving her to us was PERFECT!
  I woke up with a dull headache that I was hoping wouldn't turn into anything and of course by noon it was a full force migraine. I spent all day in bed and as if that wasn't bad enough most of my dreams all day consisted of you. Dreams of when I was little and we lived at the Kiowa house, playing basketball in the blue bball hoop, swinging on the swingset, and working in the garage. I can tell my heart misses you because it was my way of feeling close to you again. At one point in my dream I knew you were gone and that having you there was a dream but you hugged me really tight and I remember thinking I didn't want it to end. Of course it did, and I sit here with tears streaming down my face because in reality, I can't remember what hugging you feels like. It's a fading memory like a lot of things and I wish it didn't have to fade! I am waiting patiently for when you greet me in Heaven and once again I can feel that hug that I miss so deeply!
  The last few weeks have been difficult and I was deeply hurt. I can't really go into specifics but suffice it to say I was very wounded by people who I never expected to do what they did. I have wrestled through many emotions-anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness, etc. but through it all this one reminder has kept me from just losing all hope in this crazy thing called life.

Hebrews 6:19

 This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil.

 Even when I start to feel lost, hurt, alone, and tossed around by the winds of this earth I know one thing for certain, He has me anchored to Him. I may feel the waves and the winds rocking the boat, but He will never leave me to be swallowed up by them! Even in stormy waters He has me held firm and fast and I can rest even in the storm. It's so hard for me to remember sometimes when my limited view of things tells me He has abandoned me, yet all I have to do is look at that anchor and know that I know He still has me, and is still holding me! For that I am truly humbled! I don't know what the next few weeks will look like as I pray through how to handle this situation but I do know that God sees the bigger picture, He sees my heart, He see their hearts, and only He can bring true healing to my heart!
I love you and miss you more than words can really express!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

This theme just seemed too appropriate...and a little cliche!

But I had so much fun putting it all together!