Things I want to tell my dad...: July 2014

Monday, July 28, 2014

A Missed Anniversary

Today would have been you and mommy's 29th wedding anniversary. Ironically I received the wedding invite for her and Tim's wedding today. I took her out to lunch for you and left roses by her bed, I knew she would have an emotional day. We had a chat during lunch and one thing that came up that we both read in a blog was a gal who stated something along the lines of: "This new life after losing a loved one wasn't unplanned. God knew all along that this would be our future. We only see in time, He sees in Eternity." It helps so much to realize that though this was a huge blow and seemed to come out of left field, it really wasn't unexpected. God knew from the beginning of time that this would be our families journey. He ordained your days, just the same as He has ordained mine. For us your life was cut short, to Him, it was exactly to the last second He had planned. It might not make me feel any better because in MY mind you lived until a ripe old age, but it does help me realize the importance of giving each day to Him because He already has my future planned! Is there anything wrong with thinking about all the fun things Bryan and I will do if we both make it until he retires or how many grandkids we will have? No, but I also can't get so wrapped up in what I WANT to happen that I miss what He is trying to do NOW.
I love you and miss you terribly!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Sunday, July 27, 2014

We Love Lucy Pt 2

A year ago I wrote you about the birth of your 4th grandbaby. This last year was filled with so many ups and downs that I can't possibly cram them all into one post! I knew that her birth and first year would be hard because it is the first baby that you never got to meet. I went all out in true Carley form for her 1st birthday and it was such a fun time! Candee of course helped me so much and I don't know what I would do without her expertize! She helps bring everything I am imagining in my head out and into real life! I am so blessed by her! Truthfully though, it was a very difficult day for me emotionally. At one point I just needed to sneak away and I went into your closet....looked at where your tasseled shoes and DBA dress shirts (color coded) once hung and I couldn't hold back the tears. Mommy's things now hang there and there is no trace of your clothing or shoes, and soon Tim's things will replace those. Life has moved on, and there is both sweetness and pain in that motion. Throwing parties without you is so surreal because you always loved my big parties and helped out as much as you could! Getting ice, bringing table and chairs, mopping the floors on your hands and knees, cleaning the back patio so it glistened. You helped me in any way you could...and liked it! I had so much help but I don't think either mom or Bryan really LIKED it. hehe But parties and people aren't really their thing so I guess that's ok! I feel like the last standing "People person" in the family so that is a lot of responsibility! I know that as time goes on parties without you there will seem more normal but I still catch myself waiting to hear your voice asking what you can do, who all is coming, what I need at costco, or if the toilet needs another do-over. Despite not having you here the party did go very well and we all enjoyed celebrating our little Lucy! She has been such a heart smile to our family and we are all smitten with her! She loves to dance, mimic what she sees people doing (this is both cute and bad), is very stubborn (she is a typical 4th born like her Auntie Tobin), she knows what she wants and will not take a substitute, she is a bit rough but we are working on her "gentle hands", she loves to snuggle with me, snuggles with Mollie in between pulling her tail, and ADORES her older siblings. She is almost walking and is my latest walker. But I guess that is ok because I don't want her to grow up too quickly! I am enjoying the baby stage and soaking in every moment with her! God really does know what He is doing and His timing in giving her to us was PERFECT!
I woke up with a dull headache that I was hoping wouldn't turn into anything and of course by noon it was a full force migraine. I spent all day in bed and as if that wasn't bad enough most of my dreams all day consisted of you. Dreams of when I was little and we lived at the Kiowa house, playing basketball in the blue bball hoop, swinging on the swingset, and working in the garage. I can tell my heart misses you because it was my way of feeling close to you again. At one point in my dream I knew you were gone and that having you there was a dream but you hugged me really tight and I remember thinking I didn't want it to end. Of course it did, and I sit here with tears streaming down my face because in reality, I can't remember what hugging you feels like. It's a fading memory like a lot of things and I wish it didn't have to fade! I am waiting patiently for when you greet me in Heaven and once again I can feel that hug that I miss so deeply!
The last few weeks have been difficult and I was deeply hurt. I can't really go into specifics but suffice it to say I was very wounded by people who I never expected to do what they did. I have wrestled through many emotions-anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness, etc. but through it all this one reminder has kept me from just losing all hope in this crazy thing called life.

Hebrews 6:19

This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil.

Even when I start to feel lost, hurt, alone, and tossed around by the winds of this earth I know one thing for certain, He has me anchored to Him. I may feel the waves and the winds rocking the boat, but He will never leave me to be swallowed up by them! Even in stormy waters He has me held firm and fast and I can rest even in the storm. It's so hard for me to remember sometimes when my limited view of things tells me He has abandoned me, yet all I have to do is look at that anchor and know that I know He still has me, and is still holding me! For that I am truly humbled! I don't know what the next few weeks will look like as I pray through how to handle this situation but I do know that God sees the bigger picture, He sees my heart, He see their hearts, and only He can bring true healing to my heart!
I love you and miss you more than words can really express!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

This theme just seemed too appropriate...and a little cliche!

But I had so much fun putting it all together!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Comfortable

Lately I have been thinking about WHY I don't feel the need to constantly post on FB or talk in person about all the things that I "Stand for". I wondered if it was because I was in some ways embarrassed, ashamed, or unsure of my decisions. And maybe initially those were some of my hesitations, but as I have thought and prayed about my heart and relationship with Him, I have come to realize something so simple...I don't care what people think of me! I don't care if they want me to vaccinate and think I am reckless for not. I don't care of they think I am crazy for having as many children as God gives me and desiring HIM to plan my family. I don't care if they think I am irresponsible by using natural ways to keep us healthy over medical ways. I don't care if they think I am "sheltering" my kids by not wanting to put them in child care, or leaving them with strangers for small periods of time, or homeschooling them vs public school. I don't care if they think I am "spoiling" my babies by not agreeing with the CIO method. I don't care if they think it's gross that I still nurse my 2.5 year old. I don't care if people see that I am feeding my kids healthy organic foods for every meal or if I decide we are going to Chick-fil-a for dinner for the second time that week because I don't have the energy to cook. I don't care if people think we are nuts for celebrating different holidays than everyone else. God has given me (and Bryan) very firm beliefs and convictions and I refuse to feel the need to justify them, defend them, or flaunt them. I watched you LIVE your life with conviction without shoving it in people's faces, and that spoke volumes! You drew people in to you by your Christ-like love and desire to truly understand and help them. I want to be the same. I don't care how people chose to live their lives, to me it makes no difference. I want to love them where they are at, no matter what they think or believe, and if God uses me in their life to show them His love, fantastic! Over the last two years I have had such an amazing and difficult journey of finding myself again, finding Him again, and realizing that the convictions I have, most of which were instilled in me by you, didn't die with you. You may have planted the seeds but HE watered them and is continuing to water, prune, and cultivate those convictions in my life and through me, the lives of my kids. I am so thankful to finally feel comfortable in my own skin and to say with abandon that I am crazy and crazy in Love with the One who saved me and pulled me out of the pit of despair!
I love you daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Your grandbabies are growing fast!

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Our growing Family

It has been way too long since I wrote but you haven't been out of my thoughts for more than a minute at a time. I don't even know where to start to catch you up so I guess I will start with the most exciting part...your Stacey Jo became Mrs. Choate! She is obviously overjoyed and I am delighted to see her so happy! She was the beautiful, radiant, and stunning bride that we all expected and I bawled through giving her toast. We all knew something...rather someone was missing during that event and it definietly made it a bittersweet day! Mommy walked her down the aisle and danced with her for her first dance, a position that should have been filled by her daddy...you. As I stood up there and watched her walk down I literally had to hold back tears...part tears of joy and part tears of sadness. Remembering the moment that you walked me down the aisle and how special that was and knowing that you weren't there for that moment with your Stacey was just...heart wrenching. No words can truly cover the range of emotions we all felt that day! It was absolute joy and deep pain all wrapped up into one long awaited day! Stacey was an absolute rock star though and handled it all with grace and joy! I don't know that I would have been quite so calm but she was the picture of God's divine grace. Chris cried through his vows...something I don't think I will ever let such a manly man live down. But to see him cry while saying his vows to my sister is also the sweetest thing to me. I know he loves her with everything in him and that is such a treasure to see! I wish you were here to meet him but maybe God has already told you all about him!? Some of the ladies from your office came and I know that meant SO much to Stacey! She really appreciated the love and support from everyone there!
We also added a new member to the Spears family which was kind of last minute but I am so happy we did! We got a beautiful Golden Retriever named Mollie. She is adorable and the kids just love her to pieces! Owen currently prefers to provoke her into nipping at him but we are working on that! haha Cecily reacts much the same as her mommy did as a child and screams, runs, and jumps to the nearest, highest object if the dog gets anywhere near her. Once Mollie calms down a bit I know they will be buds! Lucy and Mollie are two peas in a pod and we often find them together causing mischief. Like eating my decorations, pulling stuff out of the trash, spreading my laundry all over the floor, and eating crap off the kitchen floor. They will have a very special bond, I can tell! Colin is taking to his roll of "Master" very nicely and takes her outside to do her business and cleans up after her. He loves to play tug of war with her and she follows him around like....well a puppy! We all find it funny that just over 2 years after you die we now have 2 dogs in the family! Who would have thought?! Curly is still pretty unsure of her when we bring her over but they are learning to get along nicely. Curly just doesn't like sharing Weston and often looks at him with a look of, "Don't you dare cheat on me!" when he goes to play with Mollie! It's pretty funny to see such jealously coming from another dog!
Your grandbabies are growing up...fast! Colin is nearly 6 and Lucy will be 1 in a matter of weeks. I feel like I can't blink for fear they will be all grown up! We are enjoying our break from school and they are doing swim lessons with grammie Candee. It took a while for them to warm up to it...the first week was screeeeeaming that could be heard for miles! Now only Owen screams and the other two are ok. Colin is even beginning to swim across the pool by himself! I am so proud of him! Cecily is still a little too...dainty in her kicking to get very far but she is learning! haha Owen is too busy clinging to Candee to try to swim but he's learning some basic water survival skills...so I will take it!
Now on to me, today was hard. It was one of those days where I just didn't like the reality that I haven't gotten to see or talk to you in over 2 years and counting. How can that possibly be?! I talked to someone recently who said that they felt like the 3rd year was the hardest because your mind has really come to grasp what has happened instead of being in the fog of grief. I have to say I find that to be a little true. But I am hopeful that after this year it will start to become less painful...I hope! I don't want your memory to fade yet I want the pain to fade...however I know the pain is there because the loss was great! I visited your grave today for the first time by myself. I just sat there and cried. I wanted to "talk" to you but nothing would come out, just tears. I looked around at all the new graves that have been dug and filled since we buried you and my heart just ached. So much loss, so much hurt, so much pain, and the only one who can truly heal that hurt is Jesus. Knowing that some of those people didn't have the Hope I have was so overwhelming! How do they do it? I will never know!
Owen is now beside me asking me to lay down with him so I am going to go snuggle my boy! I will leave you with some pictures. You are greatly missed and deeply loved!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Our trip begun! 20 hours there and 20 hours back!