Borrowing your pants

  Today is another day...more tears...more aches...more longings to still have you here. The last two days have been....hard. No particular reason, just less grace. I remember pastor John saying that initially it wouldn't seem as overwhelming because we were so covered in prayers and grace, but someday, that grace just wouldn't be there in such an abundance. And that's where I am. I can tell that people aren't praying for us like they were, I am not as fervent in my prayers and quiet times, so the grief overwhelms. It has taught me yet another lesson, never stop praying for people who have lost loved ones! It's so easy to pray for them when the wound is "fresh" then it fades in your mind and you think it has faded in theirs...but that couldn't be farther from the truth! Everyday brings new reminders, new aches, new memories that you miss out on. I am now purposing to start a list of people who lost loved ones, be it recent or years and years ago, so that I can remember to pray for them. That His grace would still be abundant in those times of despair, and that they would feel His comfort in those sudden moments of painful reminders. Let me tell you, those moments can creep up so fast!
  Music has ministered to me so much lately (ok, it's always been my thing) and currently I love the song "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher. My favorite part of the song is when it says, 
Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave

It's the reminder I need that even though in this life it feels like death has won...Christ HAS defeated death and one day you will rise out of your grave and we will join you in Heaven! So in those moments of feeling like the grave has victory...I sing this to myself and my heart begins to rejoice through the ache! I heard a quote recently and I can't remember exactly how she worded it, but it was along the lines of learning to embrace, thrive, and even look forward to trials and pain instead of just passively enduring it, so that we can learn all that God has for us in that trail. I had never really thought of viewing this type of situation as a blessing because to be honest, it just flat out sucks! But when I realize all God CAN do with me if I allow Him to and even dare I say, rejoice in this suffering, the rewards will far outweigh the pain I am currently feeling! I say all of this still clutching on to some of my pity/pride because my sin nature doesn't want to let go of the pain, let's face it, humans like to get sympathy and throw pity parties! We like to compare sob stories and have "whoa is me!" parties but God has so much more for us! What if we start comparing the wonderful things God is doing THROUGH these nasty, heart wrenching situations and show the world what true surrender looks like? It's sooooo hard for me to do! But I am trying! I don't want to be the person that when people see me they think, "oh shoot! There is that girl who is always feeling sorry for herself!" because everyone has a "sob story" everyone has SOMETHING in their life that to them is the biggest obstacle they have ever had to maneuver through and those obstacles are exactly what THAT person needs to make them more like Christ! God knows what each of us can handle, and what will bring Him the most glory and us the most good out of each trial He puts in our life. I frequently ask Him why it had to be losing you, and honestly I don't have that answer, but I am confident that the reason is to further His kingdom. So I am trying to be ok with that! *sigh* It's just hard sometimes when I miss you so much!
  I am wearing your smiley face pants today and when Colin saw me wearing them he said, "Mom, when God comes back and there is a new heaven and a new earth grandpa will be back and you will have to give him his pants back!" I laughed and told him I would, I was just borrowing them!
  Well it's almost 3pm...my supposedly napping children are now running around the living room and woke up the other napping child. So that means nap time is not happening today! I guess we will break out blankets and build a fort and watch a movie! I love you daddy and my heart misses you more than words can even describe!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Not where I belong

  Today started very late...I was up until 1am with your crazy grand daughter who had what she thought was a nap instead of bedtime and Owen who just hasn't quite gotten his schedule figured out yet. Then thanks to his teeth got me up every 45 minutes from 1am-6am, so my wonderful hubby got up at 9:30am with the kids and let me sleep til NOON (uninterrupted)! It was fantastic! I am so spoiled by him! He even fed them all lunch while I was sleeping. We got dressed and ran to Ikea because I needed a picture frame that they didn't sell online. (first world problem right there!) Ikea on a Saturday always takes a while even if you convince yourself "it's going to be a quick trip!" Sure enough Owen pooped his pants...stop to change him. Colin pees ALLLL over the floor...stop to get the cleaning guy to mop it up and paper towel to dry him off. I didn't have a change of clothes because I had left my bag in the car for the "quick trip" so he had to spend the rest of the time in wet skivvies, pants, and flip flops. I am hoping he will remember how irritating it was and NOT do that again! But that would be too easy! ha! Finally got out of there and headed home for naps, and while they were napping I ran to Target, Hobby Lobby, Costco, and to get gas. It was amazingly fast without having to drag kids along...now I get why whenever we wanted to go with you, you would say, "No, it would be easier to go by myself!" haha By the time I got back the kiddos were up and Bryan made the wonderful suggestion to go to the park and Jason's deli. We ran around the park and the kids had a blast! I tried swinging but quickly felt sick to my stomach from all the back and forth! haha I don't know how I used to swing for hours at a time! I am officially old I guess. You know you grew up in AZ when it was 102 outside and we both said, "hey, it's not bad out today!" Jason's Deli was delicious as usual and the kids always enjoy the free ice cream at the end. We get a kick out of Owen because he does the baby bird with his mouth when he sees people eating. Bryan thought it was funny to feed him things and watch him open up reeeeally wide and spastic-ally move his wrists! Something that made me smile was Cecily learning to still do things that Grandpa used to do to her. She always used to love when you would say, "Put your hands in the air and go WOOOO" and then you'd tickle her pits when she flung her arms up! Now that you aren't here to do it...she spontaneously does it to herself including tickling her own pits! She was doing it at Jason's tonight so I took a picture for you! This morning she walked around saying, "Grandpa, where are you?!" And after a little while Colin replied, "Cessy, he died! Stop asking!" It was funny and heart wrenching at the same time! She then moved on to, "Poppin (Tobin), where are you?!" which lead to Turly (Curly), Manny (Mattie), and Dorothy also being summoned. She really does think she is a princess! haha So that was our day...we are now home and just relaxing before a busy day tomorrow. We have church, a teachers meeting, and I have lots of stuff to do for Jamie's shower next Saturday.
   As I was listening to the radio during my errands and having my talk to Jesus in the car time, the song came on the radio by Building 429 "Where I belong." Again, another song I have heard a lot but now that I have yet another reason to look forward to heaven it has become that much more real. And it pretty much sums up my heart. "All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong." Nothing in this world can satisfy me! It's hard to explain because it's not that I didn't always look forward to Heaven and meeting Jesus face to face, but now my heart GETS IT! We are in a temporary place and as much as we try to make this feel like "home" it just isn't and will never truly fill that ache in our hearts.
   I want to keep pouring my heart out (there is LOTS in there right now) but I want to spend some time with the kiddos before bed too. I love you and I miss you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
   Carley
A video of Owen in the swing at the park. Then some pictures of Owen and his bird "beak" and Cecily tickling her pits! I also added a picture of her funny outfit from the other night. I told her to go get ready for bed after her bath and she came out with cowgirl boots on, a fish purse, and fish bracelets. I was able to put pjs on her, but she still slept with the boots and accessories on! haha

  

Late night happenings

   It's past midnight and as usual your two youngest grandkids are still wide awake. Bryan is in our room trying (by the sound of it) with little luck to get Owen down and I put a movie on for Cecily because she was running around the living room singing and dancing rather loudly and I was afraid she'd wake up Colin. It was a bit of a crazy day but nothing I couldn't handle! Woke up, made the kiddos breakfast, got the meal for my friend part way cooked so I could put it in her crock pot, then took a quick shower while the kids played. I walked in to get the kids loaded up to bring said meal over and what did I find? Poop...allllll over Owen, the floor, boopy, and toys. Sadly now that he is rolling, messes like that don't stay in the same spot! So instead of leaving on time like I thought I would, I had to give Owen a bath, scrub the carpet, and start a load of wash. I purposed not to let it stress me out and just go with it! I find myself lately getting easily rattled by things that delay me, change my plans, or just inconvenience me. I know part of that is still dealing with my grief, but part of it is my sin nature and I need to more careful how I react to such things. I am noticing that Colin is starting to take on some of my "bad habits" and it's not something I am proud of! I never realized when I started having kids that they would teach me so much about myself. I see things they do or say and I realize they are copying me. It's humbling and scary all at the same time! They love me, adore me, and depend on me, so much so that they model their lives after what they see in me. If I want them to be like Christ, I have to make sure who they see in ME is Christ. I can't tell them they need to behave a certain way if I am not also conducting myself in that manner. Of course, you already knew all of that! hehe Another one of those "I totally get it now! Sorry!" moments when you realize your parents weren't the "worst parents ever!" Which by the way, according to Colin, I have now joined that club! Go me! I must be doing something right!
    The sky lately has been gorgeous! We've had some awesome monsoon storms and they always give the best sunsets! I have always loved looking up at the sky, one of my favorite marvels in God's creation, but now that you are up gone, looking up towards the sky has a whole new meaning! It somehow makes me feel closer to you. To imagine you "up there" walking with Jesus, talking to everyone (we all bet that you have already met everyone up there!), and worshiping your Savior! I admit I'm a little jealous! I'd love to see you again, meet my baby boy, and most importantly see my Jesus face to face! But I have lots to do here for the kingdom, so I am trying to use my time wisely before He takes me home. The song Arise came on my ipod today and i've always loved it, but today it has two meanings. Part for Jesus and part to see you again.
Someday, tell you someday
There’ll be a way, there’ll be a way
For You and I to be face to face
Eye to eye and heart to heart

Someday, there’ll be some way
I’ll know so much more than I know today
I’ll be with You and You’ll hold me close
There won’t be a moment away from Your embrace

Oh I can’t help it, I’m weak
I want that day to come
When all of heaven breathes in me
My chains are gone, my spirit’s free and I’ll…

Arise, and meet my father there
I’ll be home at last
Arise, You’ll wipe the tears from my eyes
And I’ll sing forever

One day, tell you one day
This fleshly tent will fade away
And I’ll that I’ll do is just stare at you
In Your power and Your beauty

Oh You won’t be ashamed, no You’re not ashamed
Of this precious child that You have made
Oh when oh when will I see
That that’s what I am and that’s what I’ll be 

  I have lots more to say, but a little boy who needs to go to sleep and a crazy girl who thinks she doesn't need sleep! I love you daddy! And it goes without saying that I miss you like crazy!!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
A picture of the sky. Cecily and Owen at your house playing and laying in Tobin's bed (I think Cecily thought she was a princess in her big bed). And last little Owen tonight at 12:30am trying to get out of his rocker!

First Annual W. A. Memorial Derby

   You will have to excuse my lack of a great title for this entry. My brain is fried and I sat here for like 5 minutes trying to find something catchy and finally gave up. And now I am back and forth putting Cecily back in bed and trying to get Owen back down for a nap since his sister keeps waking him up! The last few days have been quite full and I am trying to catch my breathe! Mostly stuff around the house that is somehow getting piled up much quicker than I am able to get it done! And to make it that much harder Cecily's schedule has been SOOO wacky! One night she won't go to sleep til 3am, the next she falls asleep at 8pm, one day she will nap, the next no way! It's just all crazy and it's driving me nuts because I can't figure this girl out! ha! The boys are so much simpler...girls really are complicated! hehe
  We also had the 1st annual Wayne Anderson Pinewood Derby fundraiser on Saturday. It was a lot of fun but I had a few errands to run last week so that kept me busy! I ran the popcorn concession stand and Dorothy and Hayley did the other snacks and drinks. Pam and Sharon did an AMAZING job with decorations and adorable snacks and drinks! They went above and beyond to make it special for all of us and I felt so humbled by their hard work and willingness to put so much thought and work into it! They are awesome ladies! We had a nice little turn out and some pretty cute cars!! In order to have a few more racers Bryan entered some of his old cars for him and Colin. Colin was so excited to race and after every run he would ask, "Can I go get my trophy now?!" (which btw, he was so excited for the whole time, then I think his nerves got the best of him and he pooped in his pants TWICE thus missing the trophy ceremony haha Wilson's Creek moment I guess!) There are a lot of races before the final one so I got rather tired of him asking every single time for his trophy! haha They had a self propelled race as well which included a lot of loud explosions! Needless to say my scaredy-cat children didn't like watching that one and hung out inside with me. Colin got 3rd place, Brad R got 2nd, and Bryan got 1st. Bryan was NOT expecting to win and only entered a car so that they had more in the race. He felt bad because the little kids wanted the trophy a lot more than he did! ha! Weston got 1st for design, Lily T got 2nd, and Hayley got 3rd. I don't know who got awards for the self-propelled because I was in the bathroom due to the aforementioned event of Colin's accidents. haha  It was definitely bittersweet having a Memorial Derby for you! It's one of those, "Oh yea, my dad is DEAD" moments that hits every so often. If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought we'd be hosting such an event for you I would have said, "NO WAY!" but I have learned there is no way to know which direction life will take and no day is guaranteed.
   Since you're death I have heard of so many more people that have joined you and it stings every time I do! If I know they knew the Lord my soul rejoices that they are with their Savior but it still brings sadness because I know EXACTLY what their families are experiencing! Before you experience this kind of loss you feel bad for people but you can't really truly understand what they are going through...I can now relate 100% to the emotions and the grief they are processing. It is a very difficult road to walk and not one I wish on anyone...yet everyone will experience it at some point because that is how God designed it. We all must die, and as Bryan said, "there are just as many people born as there are who die"...seems like a dumb statement but yet it's totally true! Unless Jesus returns soon...every single one of us WILL die...and we will leave behind loved ones who will grieve our loss. Another reason I want to strive NOW to leave a Godly legacy for my kids because I don't know if I have 1 more day or 80 more years!
  Speaking of Jesus coming back...Colin asks me every day now, "When will there be a new heaven and a new earth so I can see my grandpa again?" Apparently Weston was talking to him about how when Jesus comes back there will be a new heaven and a new earth and he will see you again and now it's most of what he thinks about! He misses you so much he (even at age 4) anticipates Jesus' return! I love it! I told him that it's a surprise and he's not too excited about that! I mean, the boy can hardly wait for his own birthday and he KNOWS when that day will be! haha So I will continue to tell him that it COULD be today but we don't know, we can only live for Christ in the moments we have NOW and when the time comes, Jesus will return to take us all home! *sigh* What a wonderful day that will be!
   Colin latest thing is forming his own Avenger's team where ever he goes. The park, the mall, friend's house, parties, etc, he picks out which character each kid will be (He is ALWAYS Ironman) and then they run around getting bad guys. Today at the mall he came up to me and said, "Mom have you seen the Hulk?" It cracked me up! He is so extroverted just like his grandpa! He'd make you proud with his ability to make friends where ever he goes! Oh, and another funny story that is not so funny to a poor 4 year old boy but I got a good chuckle out of it, I had a migraine a few days ago and Bryan asked how I was feeling. I said, "Ugh my head hurts so bad, I'm dying!" And Colin's eyes pop out of his head and he exclaimed, "NO! You are dying?! Like grandpa?!" I quickly put him at ease that I used the wrong word choice and I was not in fact dying, just in a lot of pain! Poor kid was a little freaked out! I will have to be much more careful with my word choice because he doesn't know the difference...to him if someone says they are dying it means he won't get to see them again and that is a lot for a little kid to process!
  Cecily is still her crazy self! Getting up in the middle of the night doing weird thing (we hid the chocolate syrup so that's no longer an issue) and during the day she plays with princesses, Jessie and Woody, Winnie the "poop", and cars. Lately her and Colin have been into blocks and build all sorts of things for their stuffed animals. I love watching them play together! Owen wants to join them SO bad but the poor kid is still too, fluffy, to crawl! He tries ever so hard and scoots across the floor in an effort to keep up. He just giggles at his siblings and occasionally messes up their toys. Typical 3rd born! hehehe He's getting more teeth and his top teeth are SHARP! Not pleasant when he decides to chomp down on you but he sure does look cute with his toothy grin!
   I've got lots of pictures for you! Some from the derby and some from the kiddos! We love you daddy, and we miss you terribly!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
   Carley
The first picture is of Owen around midnight totally awake and happy! The other is of Dorothy, Weston, and Colin going shopping with me the other day! They are great buddies to take shopping with us! Then the Derby pics! 

Choices

  I woke up this morning determined to not have another bad day. I was tired of feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and like a bad mom/wife. So instead of cleaning my disaster of a house I decided to just take the kids out and have a fun afternoon. We went to the mall and Catherine met up with us there. Poor thing didn't know what she was getting into! HA! I got them lunch, played on the play area, went to Build-a-Bear and got Colin and Weston an Ironman and Captain America outfit for their bears, and Cecily picked out a Charlie Brown for her and grammie (it was buy 1 get one free haha). Then we went and walked around the Disney store. I got a kick out of Cecily because we walked in and the Princesses were on the left and Avengers on the right...she went over to the Princess side...walked into the little thing, caught site of the Avengers and said, "OOOOH WOW! Ironman!!!" And ran over to check out all the stuff! She spent the entire time looking at Ironman, Spiderman, Captain America, and The Hulk. It was really funny to me! You think she has an older brother? I didn't let Colin pick anything out because he has a birthday coming up and that resulted in a nice tantrum complete with the classic "I hate you! You are the meanest mom ever!" the leg slap, the stroller-pull-back into the store, and tears leaving a puddle across the mall floor. Yea, it was lovely but I found it slightly humerus as did *most* people who saw us leaving the Disney store with a screaming kid. haha You know that has to be a common occurrence! He finally settled down just in time for Catherine to get there and then it was time for me to do MY shopping. I got 2 pairs of dress pants and was pleasantly surprised that I had to get the 0 petite because the 2 was too big! I also got a few tops and a skirt. Colin was so complimentary when I was trying stuff on, he'd say, "Wow, you look beautiful!" The only time he didn't really approve was this one orange shirt I tried on. He said, "Umm It's not blue" So I asked him if I should get the shirt in blue and he said, "Yea, that'd be good!" haha At least he is honest...orange isn't my color! On our way home I needed to grocery shop for dinner tonight and go figure despite Cecily and Owen sleeping until 11am they fell asleep in the car. So I picked up Dorothy so she could sit in the car with them while I ran in really fast. That girl is a lifesaver!!! Weston hadn't been over in a while so Colin asked if we could have him over and since i'll be going over to Pam's tonight I said sure! They are currently playing out in the sandbox and having a great time!
  Yesterday's appointment with the nautropath was quite funny to me! Never did I imagine I'd be sitting in a "doctors" office discussing at length my daughters bowel movements, sweat, and temperament! She was asking me very detailed questions about her..poo and in my head I was just cracking up because it was the most odd conversation I've ever had to have! And the fact that I knew the answers was slightly disturbing to me! haha Everything from texture, to smell, to color, to frequency, to how gassy she is, when she normally passes gas, if she burps a lot, if her burps smell. Oh man...it was so your thing! haha But we got her on a few remedies that hopefully over the next few months will enable her to be able to eat gluten again without "issues." And she has another allergy that I have yet to figure out but it should get rid of that one too so I won't need to get her tested to find out...unless of course it doesn't go away. My appointment is tomorrow so I am really excited to get started and hopefully be able to get wet without "melting" like the witch from the wizard of oz! haha
  I was talking to Bryan yesterday about my emotional state and he said something that I realized was sooo true then later on after talking to mom I realized was something I got from you! He said that I haven't really opened up to him about how I am feeling/doing with this whole thing. I was surprised because I *thought* I had talked to him about it a lot. Upon discussion I realized I really don't talk to him about it near as often as I thought! So when I mentioned it to mom she said something along the lines of, "That is because you are like your dad. You have very lengthy discussions about things in your head and by the time you get around to talking to him about it you are already worn out "discussing" it and feel like you must have already talked about it." I had never thought about it before, but I TOTALLY do that! I have "discussions" with myself every time I get in the car...lay in bed...do the dishes...etc so I feel like I've already done all the opening up I need to do but in reality I didn't talk about it at all! So I am going to purpose to be better about that because I know Bryan needs to know what I am dealing with and he also is very wise and can help me sort through my emotions...obviously better than I can do with myself! hahaha
  Well that is my day! I am going to make tacos for dinner...then go over to Pam's house for a bit to discuss the Pinewood Derby. I am sure we will talk about you lots...not all good either! Sorry! hahaha I love you daddy!!! Missing you more each day!
Your Favorite Second Born,
 Carley

  First photo is Cecily in the Princess dressing room. Second is Colin's epic tantrum! I knew you'd want a picture! Third is Cecily making Woody and Jessie talk to each other!

60 days

    We hit the 2 month mark yesterday of saying good-bye to you. This has been the most difficult, heart wrenching, life altering, and painful experience I have ever walked! I selfishly hope this is the hardest road God will ever have me walk, but I know that may very well not be the case! This could be preparing me for something *gulp* worse. I think the only thing that might be slightly harder would be watching one of my own children or my own husband battle such a monster! Though, in reality, it might hurt just the same! During this journey I have felt more emotions than I knew 1 person could feel! Deep pain, hurt, loss, betrayal, anger, sadness, hopelessness, peace, grace, comfort, support, love, and hope just to name a few. And honestly, it changes from 1 hour to the next. One minute I am ok and the next I am a mess...then I choose to focus on what I know of Jesus and His plan to bring me hope and future and I am at peace again. I have also learned what is NOT helpful to say to someone after losing a loved one! Honestly, the most helpful thing is to just say nothing and cry with us or give us a hug. Hearing that we will see you again, or that at least we had time to say good bye to you, or you're in a better place, are sometimes just NOT helpful! We know those things but that does not take away the deep hurt and loss that we are feeling. And as mom put it, comparing a sudden loss to one that was anticipated belittles the hurt of those who lost the person they loved. We may have had time to say good-bye, but the hell of watching you suffer your last 6 weeks makes the pain that much greater! Our last memories of you are not fond ones, they are of you throwing up, pain medications, medical equipment, and a very frail daddy. I don't even remember your normal voice because the last few months it was so strained and weak. Almost everything about you was very different from our normal daddy. One thing you never lost was your sense of humor, your faith in Jesus, and your extroverted nature! Even the day before you died you tried to "entertain" your guests and we would have to kick people out because you got so tired trying to engage in conversation with them. Colin frequently says, "My grandpa was really sick! He threw up a lot! But now he isn't throwing up anymore, he is in Heaven." It breaks my heart that his last memories of his grandpa are of you being so sick. I wish we had better memories of your last month, but I know the memories we made with you before your final days far outweigh the bad ones! It's just hard when those are the last ones we have to remember!
  Yesterday was to be honest a rough day. The kids were trying my patience and poor Dorothy was over to see my "wrath". I had a 3 hour nap battle with them because I KNEW they needed naps before we went to Jumpstreet, sure enough they fell asleep in the car on the way there and ended up being awake until midnight. I hate when I lose my patience with them but I was already in an emotional state since it was your heavenly birthday, I had a migraine, it was the 3rd night in a row that I got very little sleep, and I wasn't in a good place overall. It took a long quiet time last night, 11 hour of blissful sleep, and a WONDERFUL hubby to pull me through for today. Sadly, today didn't go much better, but I had more patience despite the kids still being testy. In the first 30 minutes of being awake, Colin dumped 4 bottles of body wash (don't know where he found it!) down the sink and turned the water on, causing bubbles to overflow all over, ate 3/4 of a large bag of M & M's (thus giving himself a belly ache), cut up an entire ball of yarn into tiny pieces, and was fighting with Cecily over EVERYTHING. I decided that I needed to get them out of the house even though I really had stuff to do at home so we went to chick-fil-a and I let them play on the playground. It got some energy out and I was able to gather my composure. Afterward I took them over to Mattie's house to play while I had a nautropath appointment. Luckily they were better for Mattie than they were for me! Aren't they always better for someone else?! haha For dinner we had a girls night planned with the Cottle/Derenge ladies and it was much needed for all of us! We talked about old times, current life events, and had lots of laughs! Now as I type this a nice thunderstorm has rolled over and I am listening to the rain. Something about rain is so healing for me. It is a reminder that the rain washes away all the dirt and grime and when it stops everything is fresh, clean, and renewed! God knew my soul needed it!
  So tomorrow starts a new day and hopefully a better one! I have felt very overwhelmed by life and I am trying to get my head back above the water. Slowly but surely I am getting there! Losing my daddy has really rocked my world! I love you and I miss you more each day!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
The first picture is of the night before your Heavenly Birthday. I was laying in bed, remembering seeing you lay in yours...your breathing getting further and further apart, your throat slowly building with fluid making you sound raspy, feeling your hands and feet get ice cold because your body was fighting to stay alive, and the peace that was on your face as Jesus took you home. I missed your smell so I got your shirt out of my closet and much to my surprise it still smelled like you! The smell alone immediately made me bawl my eyes out! It brought back memories of your big hugs with my head buried in your sternum. I could really use one of those right now!
The other pictures are of Owie this morning and our girls+Owen night out!

Hoping for a miracle

This week I am going into the nautropath for my appointment to see if we can get a regiment together to "cure" my dishydrosis. Cecily also has an appointment to hopefully at least help her poor digestive system. I think she got her digestive system from her grandpa! It hates her! haha I know it'll be a small miracle for my hands to heal because so far only pregnancy has helped them have any sort of relief from the blisters and cracking. The lady who we are seeing has gotten rid of all her food allergies and her dishydrosis (which is what made her become a nautropath allergy specialist) with natural remedies so I am hopeful that she can help! I have lived with it so long I don't even remember not having it...but one things for sure...getting used to living with it doesn't make it any easier! Being a mommy and having to do simple things like washing your hands after changing a diaper or giving a bath are excruciating! It would be wonderful to not dread those things and actually be able to enjoy them! (Although, let's be real, changing a diaper is never THAT fun, blisters or not! haha) I took some before pictures, but they actually don't look too bad right now! A few weeks ago...oh my goodness...they were AWFUL! They brought a whole new meaning to the word "raw".
  We have a few things going on this week but not too much. I am trying to slow things down a little as more activities start up. On Saturday we have your memorial pinewood derby and are racing your car! It will be so special to see it racing with all the others because it's something you made with your daddy when you were little. Frank put new wheels on it, so it's in great driving condition! If you win, we'll know you are pulling strings in Heaven! hehe
  The last two nights have been...trying! The night before last I literally didn't get even 1 minute of sleep! I watched the sun come up as the boys were both awake and had that moment of "are you kidding me?!" as I realized sleep was not gonna happen that night. When Bryan woke up I was able to lay down for a little nap...but going an entire day on 2 hours of sleep...with 3 little kids...yikes! I think I hit that wall around 4pm and pulled up to the grocery store...opened my car door...closed it and went home. I couldn't even go in I was that tired! I had anticipated what a great nights sleep I would get that night but sadly, that still wouldn't happen. I went to bed at 8:30 thanks to Bryan, but was abruptly woken up at 9:30 by a screaming Cecily who wanted mommy to tickle her back. I guess daddy wasn't good enough. It was an hour and a half later before she actually fell asleep...then in true Owen fashion, he did a late nap and was wide awake until...oh I don't even know! I decided it was better to stop watching the clock because I was getting more and more depressed as the hours passed. haha All I know is it was 2am before I was able to climb into my wonderful bed, I was woken up every hour to nurse Owen then had to get up early to shower and get everyone ready for church. I would say I am excited to go to sleep tonight but I don't want to get false hopes up! haha Dorothy is spending the night tonight which means I have help in the morning so it shouldn't be too bad tomorrow even if I don't get much sleep again tonight.
   Tomorrow is Colin's friend Jackson's Birthday party so I took him to Target to pick out a present. In true Colin form, he picked out 30 some things HE wanted but was unhelpful picking Jackson's gift out. I finally got him to focus after he tried to buy half the store for his birthday and I hope Jackson likes it! I wish I could say Colin put a lot of thought into it...but that would be a lie! haha It is a good growing experience for him though, I like taking him to pick gifts out for other people instead of him going to get himself something. It is better to give than to receive! You always showed us that principle in your own life! You will always be remembered as one of the most generous people I have ever known. And you never expected anything in return, just that those you gave to, carried it on and gave to others generously when they were able.
  Well it's dinner time then I have some MAJOR cleaning and laundry to tackle! I don't understand how 5 people can trash a house this bad...but who am I kidding, we trashed your house all the time! Sorry daddy! Love you and miss you!
OH speaking of miracles! I almost forgot...I don't know how I could forget to tell you!!! COLIN IS POTTY TRAINED! You are probably up in Heaven doing a daddy style jig!!!! I am SOO happy to have a kid out of diapers! You know what that means? Baby #4 will probably be on it's way soon! HAHA
 Your Favorite Second Born,
 Carley
Here are a few pics for your enjoyment. The first one is of my hands...lovely huh?! The second is of Cecily, we found her sleeping shirtless on the couch and dare I say she looked JUST like you used to! The 3rd is of poor Owen getting put in Cecily's swimsuit because Auntie Mattie couldn't find his! haha

Surprise!

  We had a surprise party for Tobin on Wednesday night! Thanks to her gullibility and over-all clueless-ness we were able to pull it off very well! Her good friends all came and we set up a baked potato bar. It only seemed appropriate for the carb-o-holic Tobin! Her friend Hannah made a GORGEOUS cake! I only have two pics that I stole from Mattie's FB until I get my camera back from her, so I'll post those later. It was yet another event that was tinged with sadness that you weren't there to celebrate with us...but the more time that goes by I guess I am just getting used to it. yuck!
  Curly got fixed today! She is now in the cone of shame...or as I like to call it the cone of silence. Although, it probably makes things louder for her i'd imagine? I told mommy that it just seemed wrong to get her fixed because our house has always been against "fixing" such things so it's a bit hypocritical. She disagreed and said that she didn't want to have to deal with "that time of the month" for Curly so it was necessary. hehe Mommy said she isn't too happy but she was a little better when she got home from surgery and got to see her favorite little red-headed kid! We have to stay away for about a week so that she doesn't get too excited and hurt herself! My kiddos are NOT going to like being unable to visit Grammie's for a week and not getting to see "Turly" but they'll live! I don't want Curly hurting herself because my kids got her all worked up! haha Mommy is going to come over here a few times so that she can still get her grandbaby fix! It has been 5 days already since we were at your house so hopefully Weston gets a nice break from his nephew! haha He loves his nephew but Colin can be a bit overbearing!
   I woke up today not feeling so great so Bryan graciously stayed home so I could rest. I don't know what the deal was...but at least I am starting to feel better. It started as what I thought was a migraine...then moved to more like a headache...then I felt almost like I had the flu towards the evening...and now I am just back to a headache. I took a TON of immunity boosters so that may have helped kick whatever it was if it was in fact something I caught. I am suspicious it was the high pollution we have had the last two days because it felt like my sinuses were being bothered. Who knows?! I am just glad to be on the mend because I didn't want to spend my weekend with a migraine or the flu! Bryan also went and brought home Jason's Deli since I wasn't able to make dinner. He's a keeper! Always takes amazing care of his family...but I know you wouldn't have given me away to anyone who wouldn't have taken care of your baby girl! Ok...you MAY have wanted to auction me off to the highest bidder a few times...but I still had you wrapped around my finger! hehehe
   Onto the serious stuff...my journey of healing is still progressing. My heart is beginning to mend and even though there is still pain I am not in a place of hopelessness as I once was. Every time my heart begins to bleed I turn to my heavenly Father and He gives me that much more grace and holds me that much tighter. My biggest source of comfort is listening to worship music. I have it on all the time and just meditate on my Jesus and His Word. What brings such happiness to my heart is when I turn it on and realize Cecily is singing along with me. Tonight I had on Beautiful Things and all of the sudden she started singing it right along with me! I had no idea she even knew the words or had been paying attention the last few weeks when I listened to it...so to see her worshiping Jesus with me...there just aren't words! She climbed up onto my lap and raised her hands up and sang poorly alongside her mommy! *sigh* I know it made her Heavenly Father smile just like it made her mommy smile!
  I have more to say but must get back to my mommy duties! Loving and missing you much!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
 Carley
Some pics from the surprise party as well as your grandkids and Curly! The first one is of Tobin in the car unsuspecting anything is amiss. She thought she was being taken to a surprise fancy restaurant.

Tippy turns 18!

 Your little Tobin turned 18 today!! We really wanted you here but still tried to have a fun birthday for Tobin! Mommy, Mattie, and Tobin made delicious pork chops, sautéed veggies, and potatoes au gratin. Everything was wonderful! For dessert they set up an ice cream sundae bar, I can envision you saying, "Sunday, Funday!!!!!" When Tobin sliced the banana for the sundae bar, Colin saw the peel and said, "When my grandpa comes back alive he will throw it at me!" I never thought i'd get used to it...and don't get me wrong it still hurts my heart, but it doesn't make me cry like it used to. Just a moment of take-your-breathe-away then I am ok. She had already opened her gifts by the time we got there and was very spoiled by all of us! Mattie got her some stylish Tobin clothes...including a jean skirt that (sorry I have to rat on her) I don't know you would approve of! It's kind of short and when I told her she could wear leggings under it she said, "or not". Yikes! You aren't even gone 2 months and she is getting "rebellious." haha I gave her a hard time (being silly) and I know she won't dress immodestly now that you're gone. Mommy got her a comforter for her bed that is PERFECT and then the two of us split a beautiful Persona bracelet from Zales. We picked beads that were so Tippy and as she gets older we are going to add on to it. We wanted to do something special for her 18th birthday because we knew you would have if you were here. That is one thing you excelled in...gift giving...except for the random things you picked up at CVS. Like the shark fin ice mold? And the raspberry ice cube tray? And the potato mit? I have to admit...I have never figured out why you thought they were good gift items...but luckily for you now that you are gone I cherish them anyways! And I will use the shark fin mold for Colin's 4th birthday coming up in honor of you! Oh man, I just realized my baby is almost 4! How did that happen?!
  August and September are proving to be crazy months! Between birthdays, bridal showers, homeschooling, cubbies, the possibility of me teaching 2's and 3's again, and teaching ballet I am pretty much up to my ears in activities. I am like you though, I like to be active and do things with the kiddos! Colin is very excited about cubbies and got a kick out of the picture I showed him of his daddy in cubbies. He still finds it crazy that his daddy and mommy were once little kids. I remember having the same epiphany when I was little! You guys had names other than "mom" and "dad" and you had parents and you were babies at one time, and you had siblings, and *gasp* you didn't always obey your parents! Although, you guys always SAID you always obeyed, your parents did rat you both out and tell us all the things you did when you were little that weren't obedient! I am looking forward to all the teaching stuff as it is one of my gifts. I like administrating and I like helping others to learn and grow.
  The kids have been a bit of a challenge the last few days but God has given extra grace to handle them. To start it off, despite them getting up at a normal hour (8am) they are not napping and they are staying up until almost midnight and one night it was 1:15am before we could get the last two down! I don't know where the energy is coming from but my best guess is they are sucking it out of me because I have NONE! I got some pictures of them staying up late and I know you'll get a kick out of them! Cecily has started really finding her own "fashion" sense and oh boy is it ever out there! Most days she wants to wear sunglasses, brown boots, a shirt that has some sort of cupcake, ice cream cone, or animal on it, and I am allowed to pick her pants still. It is cracking me up to see her little style and likes coming out. Her favorite things to wear are a cupcake shirt or cupcake PJ's because whenever she puts them on daddy and Colin "eat" her which she finds HILARIOUS! She will walk up to Bryan and stand there grinning at him until he realizes that she has a "cupcake" and then he scoops her up and gnaws on the cupcakes and she laughs til she cries! It melts my heart! She already has such a special relationship with her daddy like we all had with you. He is her prince charming and she is his princess!
   Well dinner needs to get started....I love you and I miss you OH so much!! I have been thinking about you and my baby boy up there all day and it makes me smile to think that while grammie gets to spoil her grandkids down here...you get to spoil the one that beat you up there!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
  Carley
The first pictures are of the kids up waaaaay past bedtime! The second ones are of Cecily's "style" and the third set is of Tobin's birthday celebration. We put a picture of you at the table with us so you could "be there".

Beauty from Pain

  Today brought a last minute trip to urgent care for me...long story short I had to get a prescription for a medication that is making me unable to nurse Owen for at least 30 hours. So far it's not going great! He is trying to eat me through my shirt! Luckily I had a little milk in the freezer and a friend is giving me some of hers so that I don't have to give him formula. It also helps that he is almost 7 months so I can do some solids even though I don't normally start until my babies are a year old. But that's life! I just hope my supply holds out because I do NOT want him to wean at only 7 months old! I would be heartbroken!
  Not much else is going on...just the normal "I miss my daddy a LOT" that goes through my head every few minutes! I told Bryan last night on our way home from your grave that sometimes it still feels like I am living in someone else's nightmare. It's like I am watching from above yet living it as well. I look back at your final moments, your viewing, funeral, memorial service, empty bed, car that sits in the driveway and I think to myself, "Did that really happen to us?!" Bryan is kind of disappointed that I am still in the denial phase because he said he wants his wife back, I told him i'm trying! hehe
  Here is a song that I have listened to and cried many times. It says what my heart is feeling!

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see (to what I can't see)
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain 

I know He WILL bring beauty through all of this pain and heartache and I look forward to when I can actually see His purpose for this loss!

I love you daddy! How does it feel to be 48?!

 Your Favorite Second Born,

 Carley

This is where we found Cecily in the wee hours of the morning. I have no idea how long she slept under there last night!

 

48 years

  Where to start?! Today would have been your 48th birthday! Still so young and could have done so much more with your life...but God knew you had accomplished everything He had for you here...so He brought you home. I could go on and on about what I think you could have done for His Kingdom...but I am not on the throne and I don't see all that He has in store. We celebrated by going to your grave and I bought monkey cupcakes (and gluten free cookies for Cecily) and we all shared funny stories of you. Mommy had the gal at the cemetery put a banana peel on the grave "from you" for Colin to find. He was quite tickled that the banana peel was there and "threw it back at you". He sat to eat his cupcake "on" your head and I told him not to pee on you because he is in underwear now. He laughed then got a very mischievous smile on his face. So just a fair warning...you may get peed on one of these days! It was such a difficult day to get through and I woke up a little upset and sorry for myself but I credit the prayers of all our wonderful friends because my spirits lifted and I was able to enjoy the rest of the day and not feel so gloomy. Pam and Frank even joined us at the cemetery which was nice to have our extended family there to celebrate your life with us. When we left I looked up and saw that the sky was a gorgeous orange and pink color! It was God's way of displaying your favorite color for your birthday! In fact, Pam, Mattie, Cecily, and Owen all wore orange for the occasion!
   In honor of your birthday we watched Prince of Egypt and Colin was full of questions! He has such a wonderful and curious little mind I love seeing it process things around him. I talked to him about the story as it happened and he was in awe with me about the power of God! During your final days you said that you wanted God to do another "parting of the Red Sea" in your life and even though we didn't see that in the way WE wanted, God still did miracles through your life and death. I would be lying to say that I wasn't praying even after you passed that God would make you the miracle everyone hopes for, and I honestly thought He would, but His plan is far greater than mine so I have to trust Him. 
  Mommy and the kids are back from CA and they had a nice time there. They went to the beach, did your favorite drive, went to CA adventure and Disneyland, and had lunch with Wesley. Colin was pretty upset that he didn't go with them, especially after seeing Stacey's pictures from Car's Land. But we decided that we would all save up and go next fall as a family. So he will get to see it soon enough! It was kind of strange for them to all walk in the door...and you didn't come too. I am so used to having you walk through those doors and greet us with your loud manly voice but instead it was only the kids and a quiet mommy. My kids were VERY happy to have their aunties and uncles back! Cecily was lavishing them with hugs and kisses and wouldn't let Dorothy out of her sight! Colin was back to irritating Weston in no time with all his "play with me" demands and Owen was content in his grammies arms! I even made him look ghetto for her!
    Your Tonka trucks got delivered...and oh my you had a LOT! Mommy is trying to figure out where to store them so I think she is going to get a storage unit. The boys are all excited to look through them and one day take them as a memory of you. Colin was really eager to break into the boxes...but don't worry, I didn't let him play with any! hehe He had more fun with the bubble wrap I think! I love seeing all your cars because it was your hobby and what you loved to collect!
    Oh we got our rugs cleaned! They look SOOOOO nice! You know you are an adult when clean carpets make you feel like it's Christmas morning! When I called to schedule the appointment Debbie immediately asked how you and mom were doing...so I had the unfortunate task of telling her that you had passed. She was heart broken and shared some encouragement with me that helped her during her grief of losing her daughter. So many people have had to walk this road we are on and it's not easy for any of us! The beautiful part is that because there are so many dealing with grief and loss we can come alongside each other and encourage, strengthen, and cry with each other knowing that He is our comforter and our peace!
  Your mommy is back in town now, so I took the kids to go see her. They love hanging out and playing at GG's and Dusty always likes the company too. We talked for a while and she opened up about losing two sons and her husband. I held back tears as I listened to her and she cried a bit as well. I can't even begin to imagine what she is going through having to bury 3 people she loved so much! I pray God's peace and grace for her daily!
   I never posted pictures from my birthday celebration with the Spears family so I will post some of those! We had a lovely dinner and Candee always makes us feel special even though there are 3 of us who celebrate together. She got the boys all Superhero cups and I had beautiful yellow flowers. I got lots of gift cards to use so she is going to take me SHOPPING! I need some non-maternity clothes and the clothes I have from pre-pregnancy are mostly from when I was in high school so I need to update my wardrobe. I can't be the only unstylish Anderson girl!
  I have so much I have wanted to write and it's escaping me! When I started this blog I would write bits and pieces as the day went on so I didn't forget anything, but I haven't had time to do that so I try to just remember it...and we all know how well that works for a sleep deprived mother of 3 small kids! I guess I will just wrap this up! I have lots of pictures for you!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
   Carley