The old saying goes..

"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all!" is what I heard from you and mom a LOT growing up. Well, I have always been a rule breaker (sorry dad!) so here it goes...I hate that you are gone! I was doing alright, but yesterday was the Family Fall Festival at church...one of your favorite yearly events. Even when you were on chemo last year and were beyond tired, sick to your stomach, and having difficulty walking you still came and socialized with everyone. The entire night I would have moments where I would catch myself looking for you and then realize you weren't there. It just seemed so...wrong! The tall red-headed guy who everyone loves was no where to be found. It just plain sucks! Mommy did her best to help Westy and Dorothy enjoy themselves...but let's face it, it's not her thing! Lots of people talking to her is totally out of her element...and I dare say always will. You left a very big hole in the family, mister! Some fun (and not so fun) moments of the night were Colin getting his face painted as Spiderman, Cecily getting lost, having my hands blister from working in the Duck Pond (yea, didn't think that one through very well!), and Colin getting a fish. Guess what he named it? FISH! He is still very much the same Colin Spears he has always been, it's why we love him so much!
  I have lots to do before I go to a bridal shower tonight, but I have one last thing to leave with. As I sat in the car this afternoon while out shopping for a-fore-mentioned bridal shower, I was having a pity party, inwardly "yelling" at God because I want to know WHY He took you, and in His sense of humor the music I had on in the background suddenly stood out. "I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know at His right hand, stands one who is my Savior." Ok ok, so maybe I don't get why He took you home, and it doesn't make me like it any less, buuuut He did send HIS son to die on the cross so that we can see you again someday. So I guess in all reality...I shouldn't really complain!
 I love you daddy and missing you hurts worse than...having a 10lbs baby!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
The first pic is of Cecily at ballet class yesterday. It was her first class with me, and like the princess she is, she danced with her Passion tea from Starbucks! haha

Oooooklahoma!

  It has been a very busy few weeks! We took a fun trip to OK and MO to visit family and it was quite the excursion! I always forget how hard it is to prepare for a trip with 3 little kids. But I purposed this time to take the whole week before to clean and slowly pack so that I wasn't doing it all Saturday. Speaking of Saturday, Ryan and Jamie got married and it was a beautiful wedding! You would have loved it and I am sure you would have been so excited for your work out buddy! Back to the trip,  Jack and Dorothy came with us and we dropped Dorothy off in Albuquerque with grandpa and grandma for some time with them. I think she enjoyed herself and of course she came home with lots of crafts and supplies! The kids did really well in the car, better than I had anticipated, it was my poor tailbone that was problematic. Sitting that long was less than pleasant and I couldn't get comfortable to save my life! Not to mention I was sitting in the back so I got totally car sick! But I am a big girl, so I didn't complain...much. hehe But I have to say, as awesome as Bryan is, he doesn't spoil me like you used to on road trips. We always got an ice cream, or a candy bar along the way, but Bryan isn't a fan of such things so I have to really beg to get a chocolate fix! haha It was definitely difficult at times because something funny would happen (Colin and Bryan peeing on the side of the interstate, for exmaple) and I would immediately think, "Oh dad would get a kick out of that!" only to realize I couldn't text you. The last time we did this trip I kept you updated the whole time, sent you pics of the kids, called you on the phone, etc. It seemed so unnatural to not be able to keep you in our travel loop. Then to make it that much harder Dorothy was in the back seat listening to all "your" songs. Do I Trust You, Beautiful Things, In Christ Alone, I Shall Not Die, etc. My heart ached so bad remembering you laying in your Laz-E-Boy chair with your phone in hand, singing along to your favorite tunes. You never sang on key but I loved it none the less! On the plus side Dorothy can sing, so it wasn't painful to hear her singing along. hehe
  One of the best parts of the trip was an impromptu visit in the McDonalds parking lot on Kickapoo (yes that's a real street name!) with my dear friend Julie! I haven't seen her since Stacey was with Ballet Magnificat so it was wonderful to see her! Neither of us had very long to visit but it was still great! We also got to meet little Abigail who was in her mommy's tummy last time we visited. She is such a sweetheart and her laugh is seriously the best ever! It is not your typical baby laugh and I can't even mimic it, but it's just adorable. Next time we see them they will have another little treasure in the family, something they (Bryan's cousins) waited a long time for! We also got to hang out with Great Grandma Mabel and she got to hold Owen. Cecily also sat on her lap a few times and her great grandma thought that was pretty sweet! Colin was a pill (wait til you see the picture I tried to get of him with her! ugh) and wouldn't cooperate in pics at all on that trip. I only have a few where he wasn't freaking out and throwing fits. I guess he is a home-body like his mommy! The poor kids kept falling out of bed because they are used to their beds at home so they are covered in bruises. We tried everything to keep them in but somehow they always managed to fall off. Oh well, builds character, like you always used to say!
  So, that wraps up the first half of our trip! I will have to write about our visit to Missouri to see Stacey tomorrow. Owen is needing to go to bed and he won't go down without me. I love you daddy and my heart aches more and more each day to see you again!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Lots of pictures!!!! These first two are of Becca and Jesse's visit before we left. They all had fun playing together and the two little boys were so cute together!

 Here is Owen introducing himself to Summer, she didn't seemed super excited about this boy who was touching her seat!

Before we left we decided to take a date to the Melting Pot for some "Us" time. It was delicious and we had a great time!

 

Jamie and Ryan's wedding...Cecily was tearing up the dance floor with her auntie!

 Our trip begins bright and early! Cecily was pooped just thinking about it!

 

Owen learned how to play peek-a-boo! It was so cute and kept him entertained the whole time!

 

Dorothy and Colin...remember how I said he wasn't too into pictures?

  

We made it to G-squared and GG's house!

 Gabby and Ariana were waiting for us!

 

Finally in OK and the kiddos meet their cousin Abigail. It was a bit tense at first...but they warmed up to each other! haha

 Great Grandma let the babies rummage through her mail...it was better than toys!

 Going to their great uncle Randy's furniture store. They liked the coloring table!

 Cecily the diva eating her taco...she does it in style!

 The babies had a great time playing together!

Aunt Sarah came for a visit, it was great getting to see her and have her meet Owen!

 Warehouse Willie's...fried pickles and sweet tea! mmmm

 The "kids" burning some energy before we headed to MO to see Stacey

 Hasn't he gotten so big?!?!

 Sucking on daddy's string

 He loves his tongue!

GG Mabel getting in some Owen snuggles!

 Everyone looking at Colin who was on the floor screaming...

 A little "encouragement" and we got him in for a second...this will be good black mail later on life!

 She loves her GG!

 Next post...Missouri and our outing to Silver Dollar City!

Your first grandson

Today marks 5 years since our first little boy entered Jesus arms. It seems like just yesterday, yet like an eternity! For some reason this year was much harder for me than last year. I think because I know you are there with him, and neither of you are here. I felt sick most of the day and honestly wanted it over. Here I sit past midnight crying in bed missing you and missing my boy. I watched your slideshow with Cecily on my lap and sobbed. 4 months later and it still hurts more than words can describe! So many emotions right now I don't where to start! I guess I should just go to bed and let tomorrow be a better day! I love you daddy and it goes without saying that I miss you something fierce!!!! Give the birthday boy a kiss from his crazy momma!!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
First picture I took of my belly

 The last picture I have while still pregnant.

 Some of the beautiful flowers we were sent...one is from you but I can't remember which!

A Small Miracle

   Wow! I can't believe how long it's been since I've written! I thought I had just been on here and realized it had been a while. I've got lots to say and tons of pictures! Let's start in chronological order shall we? (or what I remember the order being!) Almost 2 weeks ago Owen was just not acting like himself. He was clingy, fussy, and overall seemed like something was bothering him. He didn't have any obvious signs of having issues but as the week went on it occurred to me that the cold he had a few weeks prior may have given him an ear infection, so I took him to the pediatricians office and sure enough, he had a double ear infection! I am usually right when I suspect them so it once again reassured me that I am not as terrible a mother as I think I am! hehe I don't normally just jump in and do the antibiotic, I try other things first, but the dr said he had probably had it for a while and he had a LOT of fluid behind his ears so I went ahead and did the antibiotic. Within 48 hours and he was back to being my happy, mellow, sweet boy! It's amazing how something like an ear infection can affect them so much! It did bring back a memory I have that always sticks out in my mind. As you know, I had ear infections constantly as a child, and everytime I had to go in I HATED it! I remember how bad it hurt to have that ear scope shoved in your ear and Dr. Linn (I think it was) wasn't all that gentle. The very last ear infection I had, I remember laying on the floor of the living room. My ear hurt so bad but I didn't dare say anything because I did NOT want to go in, however you and mom aren't dumb (yes I am finally admitting that!) and knew what was up. You put me in the car and started on the very short drive to the dr office. I remember begging you to take me back home and you said that I needed to go in. I asked you to pray for me, and with no hesitation you pulled over and prayed for me. Within minutes my ear began to hurt less and less and within 5 minutes it was GONE! You thought I was making it up to get out of going so you made me go in and sure enough, she looked in my ear and said, "Nothing is wrong!" So we went home and I never suffered with another ear infection ever again! The first of many miracles I remember seeing as I grew up! Even at a young age I saw and experienced the power of prayer and a father who would always call on the name of Jesus to heal his children. I guess why I am having such a hard time accepting that Jesus didn't heal you, He healed all of us and spared us from death on so many occasions, we all know the power He has and had begged and pleaded He would show it through your healing. His answer however, was not this time. A hard pill to swallow!
   Moving on...Owen started pulling up on everything! If he thinks he can use it to stand...he will! It has resulted in many, many bruises and bumps but it's part of this stage! He will get better and better and pretty soon he won't fall so much. He is already doing so much better even from last week! It's so crazy to see your kids growing up and learning new things every day. You'd think him being my 3rd it wouldn't really phase me, but I am still in awe of how precious and wonderful each stage is! I cherish these little ones and I feel so honored to be their mom; guiding them, teaching them, and loving them as they grow and mature.
  Well mom finally tackled the hardest part of the house for us to clean out...the garage. I was not there for most of it, yet I still pulled up and was filled with emotion seeing all your stuff in the driveway. Luke, Reuben, and Stephen came out from Minnesota to help Christian clean it out and they were such a blessing to mommy! Reuben dug a decaying frog out of the concrete/wall, the boys took everything out, sorted it, hosed it off, and put it back in. They went above and beyond to help mommy out and I hope they are blessed because of it! Towards the end they started goofing off and found some hoola-hoops to play with. I got some funny pics of that! I also took pics of your ATV's and your jet-skiis (which will soon be sold). We are all sad to see the jet-skiis go but they don't have good memories for mommy so she wants them gone! You just HAD to make her mad when you bought them, and now we are the ones paying for it! hehe Mommy also realized that you were a boarder-line hoarder! We found so many random things sitting around, and the only reason it didn't look like much, is because your garage is so big! Christian found a brand new cell phone new in the shipping box on the floor in there. What were you planning on doing with it?! I guess we will never know this side of heaven! But now the junk and clutter is gone and it's sparkling clean! (With a few black widows and scorpions i'm sure!)
   Thursday I babysat little Talon and he was such a fun kid to watch! Cecily and him got along great and they played all morning/afternoon. We went to the park, mommy's house to pick up Colin (who had a grammie sleepover and slept on your side of the bed), played with Curly, then went to Sonic to get slushies. It was a fun day and despite only getting an hour and a half of sleep the night before (courtesy of Owen) I managed to last the whole day without feeling too bad! Talon enjoyed playing with all the baby toys and rode around in Owen's walker for a while. It cracked me up! Kids don't generally like the baby stuff as babies...but when they get older it's the coolest stuff ever!
   Friday I took Dorothy out for a shopping trip with me and Cecily for the help she gives me all the time. We walked around San Tan Mall, bought her some fun jewelry at Charming Charlies, and then went to Chipotle for lunch. Guess which part was Dorothy's favorite and which was Cecilys? haha I also had a sweet phone call with my friend Julie and we chatted about life, new adventures for her and her family, as well as her loss of her parents. I told her that my biggest struggle right now is trying to remember the fun times with you, more than the painful last ones. My brain immediately goes to the last few weeks of your life, seeing you so sick, aging 30 years in a matter of weeks, the life slowly fading out of you, and the difficulty of watching your dad die with nothing you can do about it. I so want to look back and have happy thoughts and sweet memories but instead I always end up at your death and I feel sick. I pray with time that fades and I am able to remember the good times over the bad. I think part of it is that Colin is stuck on that part of your life as well. He says to me everyday, "My grandpa was throwing up, and he died!" Even though I know he has so many wonderful memories with you, he also is stuck on the last ones he has of you. Another thing I pray with time will change. I am faithful to show him pictures and videos of all the things you guys did together, and how much you love him. He tells me everyday that he wants to throw nana peels at you, so you better watch out! One of these days he will get that wish! Ok, so after that I made a lemon chicken soup for everyone at your house and we had a nice family dinner together. Wayne of course didn't eat it because he hates soup, but every one else enjoyed it!
   Saturday I taught ballet in the morning which as you know is right in my element! They are such a sweet little group of girls and I even have Marilyn's grand-daughter this year. I am amazed every week how much they remember from the weeks before. By the end of the year they will be little pros! Then after teaching I "needed" to get a sweater for our family pics we had that evening. So Bryan lovingly went to the mall with me and we got an outfit for me. After all that shopping we decided to go to the Old Spaghetti Factory for lunch. They have gluten free pasta so Cessy could eat there! However, it was pointless because instead of eating the GF noodles with meat sauce, she dipped my potato chips in the meat sauce and didn't eat a single noodle! Stinker! But I made Bryan get an Italian soda with me and they were delicious! I got strawberry and he got orange. We all came home, had naps, and then got ready for pics. We took them in Agritopia and of course Tamara was our photographer. She did a fantastic job as always and I am so excited to see all of them! The kids actually cooperated really well despite the fact that they woke up on the wrong side of the bed after naps! haha Then that night we had a milk and cookies girl night at Tamara's and a lovely group of girls came! We ate cookies, drank milk, chatted, and played a board game. It was a nice evening for all of us I think!
  I think I am beginning to come out of my "darkness". Even Bryan has noticed that I am not in the same state of mind that I was a few weeks ago. I don't feel overwhelmed by your loss, though I miss you terribly, and even though I still cry, I do not find myself uncontrollably sobbing like I used to. We visited your grave tonight for the first time since your birthday and it was harder than I had anticipated. I didn't expect to be emotional, but seeing a new grave right next to yours brought back all the initial feelings I had after the first time we visited you. My heart broke for that family and I couldn't help but cry the whole way home. Bryan just held my hand, Colin asked why mommy was crying, and Cecily just sang Veggie Tales in the back seat. It was tough, but good.
  So here I am, Cecily is putting a blanket over my head, Owen crawling around getting into mischief and the two oldest "boys" playing games together. We all miss you and love you so very much! Anxiously waiting for the day that we are all reunited with you and Jesus!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
 Here are all the pics in order of events!