One Day Fun Day-Monday

This has taken me forever to write about but deserves a post! Back in March we were given the amazing opportunity to go to a Coyotes game and watch the game fully catered from the manager's box. The grief support group mom and the kids are in (New Song) was starting a pilot program called One Fun Day and they asked if we would be their first family to take part in the program. A few ladies came over and talked to us about what things we liked to do and such and then put their feelers out to different organizations to see who would be willing to sponsor us. Sure enough, the Manger of the Phoenix Coyotes said he would give us a night at a game in his box complete with catering. None of us quite knew what to expect but when we walked in it far exceeded our expectations!!! They did a fantastic job at making us feel loved, supported, and took our mind off our sadness for a few hours. Mom and I both commented that it was the most we had seen the boys (Weston and Colin) smile since you had passed. They were in heaven and busted out in song and dance through out the whole evening. Even Cecily was hamming it up and made Alice Cooper (who was in the box right next to us) laugh at her amazing dancing skills! She was completely oblivious to everyone around her and just sat in her seat, ate, danced, sang, clapped, and thoroughly enjoyed herself! Poor Owen wasn't quite so impressed because mommy and daddy wouldn't let him just go up and down the steps the entire time to avoid a fall...we are pretty mean! hehe Wayne Jr had homework so he took a break now and then to watch but he was being a good student and getting his work done. Half way through the game Howler came into our box and gave us all t-shirts, hats, and some photo ops! Colin liked him, Cecily was terrified, and Owen thought he was HILARIOUS! He just belly laughed at everything he did! We were so blessed by everyone's generosity and they created some new hockey fans! Colin keeps asking to go back but he's in for a rude awakening when he realizes not all games are watched in a fully catered private box. haha We even got our own story in the AZ Republic! So that was our family outing and as much as we had fun and felt like celebrities (there was a camera crew following us around since they are using us as their promo video)...it was obviously still missing someone very important...you.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Some pics of our wonderful night out!

From the Beginning

Lately God has been reminding me of the scripture He gave me for each one of my babies during my pregnancies with them.
   Geoffrey's pregnancy I was only 13-14 weeks so I didn't have a clear verse. But one thing that I felt throughout the first part and even stronger after was that God used his pregnancy to show me what it felt like to lose a baby and be able to sympathize with those around me who experienced the same hurt. Had I not gone through that, I would not know the deep deep hurt of losing your baby. Of seeing his little tiny, perfectly formed figure in Bryan's hand, and the heart ache of burying him. Before that I can't say I honestly would have had the same sense of sympathy because unless you have experienced a miscarriage it would be easy to think, "Oh well it's not that big of a deal because you didn't even SEE the baby, you weren't pregnant that long," etc. But for a mother, the moment you find out, that baby is as good as in your arms. Your thoughts are of the future, what will he/she look like, what they will be when they grow up, whose nose they will have, etc. So to have that cut short so abruptly just tears your heart apart! And I GET that! I really truly get it and my heart hurts for every mother who has had to experience this great of a loss! We miss our little boy and know that he is enjoying his grandpa in Heaven and look forward to the day when we see you both again!

  Colin, I heard over and over throughout his pregnancy one word, Victory! It was something that I knew God was laying on my heart in-regards to his little forming life. The specific verse I was given was

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory though our Lord Jesus, Christ

1 Corinthians 15:57

During his birth is was the verse spoken over me as I labored for a very long time with a big baby who would not turn or come down into position. I had no idea at the time that mom was praying that very verse over me and it was the scripture God spoke into my heart as I used every last bit of my energy to push him out. Over the years I have seen this played out in his life in little ways and I know one day it will be a BIG way! I strive to pray this over him, to remind him of this truth in his life, and to encourage him that he HAS the victory through Jesus, even in the little things like trying building his new lego set, or learning his numbers and letters. 

  Cecily, the very first word I had for her was "Light" and as always God gave that same word to her great grandma Shirley who also felt like she was to be a bright light in the midst of the darkness. So during her pregnancy and to this day, my prayer for her is this

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works, and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven.

Matthew 5:16

I don't know if God will lead her to the mission field in a far away country, or if her light will be used closer to home, but one thing I do know is she already attracts people by just being herself! Every where I go people come around her to talk to her, comment on how cute she is (which we already knew!), and to see her sweet smile. She isn't an outgoing little girl, in fact she is quite shy, but yet without words she draws people in to her beautiful light, which is His light showing through her. She may only be 3 but I admire the work God is already doing through our little Princess!

  Owen, oh little Owen! His pregnancy was so difficult on me, physically, emotionally, and mentally. In the earliest part of his life I was told he was not a viable pregnancy. That sent my stomach into my throat and tears down my face! I got the call from the dr while at a dress rehearsal to ballet and I remember running out into the hall to catch my breathe and collapsed to the floor in tears. I was not ready to go through that loss again so soon and the memories of that pain all came flooding back. And in that very moment, God gave me this verse for him

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

 This verse has always been one I heard over and over and honestly is kind of over used but it was what I heard echoing in my head every time I doubted God's plan for his life. Obviously, he WAS "viable" and 3 weeks later an u/s showed he was growing, healthy, and very much alive. The next blow was hearing he had "something on his heart and possible DS". Which turns out was just a dr blowing things out of proportion BUT it did not make it any less scary at the moment. I would have loved him just the same with DS but the heart thing scared me. Then on top of it I had placenta previa so the option of having a home birth was being threatened if it did not get out of the way. Again God was faithful and all those issues were resolved. During all this mess I was more sick than I had ever been in my previous pregnancy and my body was physically in so much pain at times I could not even walk because my hips would separate. It was the most challenging pregnancy to date and yet I would do it all over again for my Owen! I obviously don't know what those "plans" are yet for his life because he's only 15 months but I pray this over him and know God has some great things in store for our crazy, mischievous, smart, snuggly, amazingly adorable little boy!

  Lucy, we haven't even met her yet, but her role in the family is the most powerful yet! Joy! 

Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow

Jeremiah 31:13

 From the moment I saw the words "Pregnant" on that test my emotions were so conflicted it was ridiculous! I was over joyed yet devastated! She would be the first grandbaby to never meet you. To never be held by her amazing grandpa, hear your voice, have jokes played on her by you, or to be spoiled by you. But her birth will be the joy our family needs in the darkest year of our life. Her due date is right before your birthday and she may very well share it with you which would be amazing! Her pregnancy has reminded me of the miracle of life and the awe of how God forms each one of us in the womb. And from that very moment of conception, He knows the exact number of days we will have and all the moments in between. Like the song says, "From life's first cry, to final breathe, Jesus commands my destiny." Her days are known by Him, as is her destiny and I can't think of anyone better to be in charge! 

  Well that is my heart this week. I am feeling an urgency to be purposeful about how I raise these beautiful gifts because they are only in my care for such a short time. I want them to have the BEST foundation I can possibly give them with God's ever present help, and for them to know that before they left my womb, they were being prayed for in a very specific way. Which I pray will in turn draw them even closer to their Maker and His desire/plan for their lives!

 I love you daddy and I miss you more and more!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

First Born Son

Today is your first "little" boys birthday. I will never forget how excited you were when you were told "It's a boy!!!!" after Donna looked between his legs. You guys waited until he was born to know the gender and I think you had it in your head you could only make girls so having a boy wasn't an option. Mommy said you got the biggest smile on your face mixed with a look of disbelief! Growing up with him was tough because since he was the first boy he got the royal treatment, including (but not limited to) fake spankings (you would hit the bed and tell him to cry...oh yea I was peeking!), any toy he wanted, and lots of daddy dates. But as he grew up it was obvious you two could not be any more different. Wayne Jr was nothing like his daddy, he was quite, introverted, an engineer, and to say he isn't a people person is an understatement! We all find it funny that Weston is more the Jr. than Wayne, in looks and personality, but Wayne will always be your boy. Even though you two clashed...a lot, you still looked at him with that same look of "it's my son!" you had when he was born and took great pride in him! Last year at this time you were starting to go down hill fast, and I think mommy knew what was coming so she insisted that you take him out for his sweet 16 birthday. She knew it was the last one you would get with him, though she would never have said that! You took him shooting and to go racing and the picture you sent me is the last one I ever got from you. That Friday you ended up in the ER to drain all the fluid from your abdomen and we knew something was terribly wrong! I am so grateful that mom encouraged you to take him out because I know (even though he would never admit it) it is a memory that he will always cherish because it was his last birthday/outing with his daddy. So, thank you for putting your own discomfort aside, and being there for your boy! I know it meant the world to him!
We love you and miss you like crazy!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
We made you this sign to come home to....your face though tired, was beaming!

 

 You and your boys...can I just say it sucks that they won't grow up with their daddy! :-(

 The last picture of yourself that you sent me...you racing...your pain was showing all over your face but at the time none of us knew it.

The last picture I received from you...the back of Wayne Jr in the go cart racing.

Catching my breath

The last month has been...insane. I don't necessarily have anything more going on than normal but it's just felt crazy. Life is overwhelming and the amount of stuff I need to get done in one day feels overwhelming. Having 3 very active kids while pregnant is pretty much exhausting! I feel accomplished if I keep them alive! Which so far so good on that one! hehe Owen has learned to retaliate when provoked and also how to provoke so fights are a minutely occurrence. Before my butt can even hit the couch I am back on my feet to break up some sort of altercation. And did I mention they eat....alllllll day! Last week I was having a really rough day and had been going since the early hours of the morning on very little sleep. I sat down to eat lunch which was the first time I sat since I got up and within .5 seconds all 3 kids wanted seconds on their lunch. I burst into tears because I was so tired, so hungry (I hadn't eaten since the day before and it was now 1pm), and just at the end of my rope. The kids all gathered around me and were so sweet and comforting and before I knew it, Colin was in the fridge making the 3 of them bean and cheese burritos. Sure he made a mess, but it was so mature of him to realize that I could not in that moment do what was being asked, so he took the initiative and and made them himself. He even made Cecily's on the corn tortillas instead of flour! He is becoming such a big help...and I am hoping it makes life after Lucy a little easier.
  Sunday was your princess Cecily's 3rd birthday. I totally regret not doing anything for her birthday last year because it was the last year you had to celebrate with her, but we didn't know until a month later what was coming. So I decided I needed to do something special for her, mostly for my sake! We did a tea party because that is what she is all about at the moment. She (daily) brings me the tea set grandma Candee got her and asks, "You want a tea party mom?" and serves me some tea. All the while wearing her princess dress, dress up heels, necklaces, and some sort of crown. I just adore seeing her personality come out. She is feisty yet so tenderhearted and when Owen is crying she (normally) comes up and gives him a kiss on the head and says, "It's ok Owie! I here!" She also loves to lift up my shirt to "wake up" Lucy and to tell her to come out and play. I think she may be better with Lucy than she was with Owen. Owen is lucky to be alive! hehe Now, Owen may turn those same outbursts towards Lucy because he is NOT going to like sharing me or daddy. He is such a mommy's boy that most of my day is spent holding him, telling him I can't hold him while he pulls at my legs, or sitting on the floor while he crawls all over me. He can't seem to get close enough to me...night or day! It's very draining but I am doing my best to enjoy it because I know he needs the attention and the snuggles make me slow down too. Rabbit trail! Back to Cecily's party! She had 5 of her friends there and they all had such a nice time! We had tea, tea foods, opened gifts (she got mostly princess stuff which she has carried around since the party!), and had cupcakes. It was fun throwing a little girl party since I hadn't really done a party for her yet!
  Saturday we went to Rainforest cafe and met up with some friends for lunch. The kids got to sit right next to a big fish tank and Owen was hyperventilating with excitement! Colin did much better than last time when he hid under the table the whole time, but still sat there pretty freaked out during the "rain storms" gorilla's chanting, and the elephant "bathing". He kept asking when we were going to be done! Cecily cried on the way in and Bryan had to carry her, but once she got used to it, she thought it was awesome! I have a feeling next time we go Owen will be the one who cries and Lucy will think it's pretty awesome!
 I have lots of pics for you...I have meant to update every day for weeks now but haven't been able to make it happen. Let me tell you though, not a minute goes by where I don't think about you. I honestly feel like I have thought about you MORE lately than I have in prior months. So many things have brought me to tears- mom selling the Kiowa house (which you will be happy to know went to a very nice family who were buying their first home. AND it sold within 24 hours of going on the market!), seeing my friends post pictures of them with their daddys, Colin crying for you, two little girls passing away much too soon, daily remembering that you won't be here to meet Lucy or feel her kick in my belly (even though you hated it because you said it was freaky! hehe), seeing my siblings grow up without their daddy here, seeing mom struggle to keep up with everything that she has to do on her own, the list goes on. Overwhelmed does not really do it justice! It amazes me how 1 person being taken from our family has made such a huge impact! I mean, it's not like I didn't know it would, but it is still a hard pill to swallow most days. We had a party and I needed ice, who did I always call to pick it up on the way? You! We needed tables and chairs. Who did I call to bring some from the office? You! Silly little things that just make my heart bled all over again because it's a real reminder that you are gone....forever (til Heaven).
  The song I am listening to while typing this is something I have to daily remind myself and ask God to give me His strength, because most days I just honestly don't feel like going on.
Please Be My Strength
I’ve tried to stand my ground
I’ve tried to understand
but I can’t seem to find my faith again
like water on the sand
or grasping at the wind
I keep on falling short
please be my strength
please be my strength
Cuz I don’t have anymore
I don’t have anymore
I’m looking for a place
that I can plant my faith
one thing I know for sure
I cannot create it
I cannot sustain it
It’s Your love that’s keeping (captured) me
Please be my strength…
at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I’ve fought the good fight of faith
I pray your glory shines
through this doubting heart of mine
so my world would know that You
You are my strength
You and You alone
You and You alone
Keep bringing me back home

So there it is in a very condensed version...just when you think you are almost "healed" the wound starts seeping and emotions become raw again. Grief is such a strange thing!
I love you daddy and I miss you more than every before!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

As promised all our pics...I am picking a few to highlight because I have like a hundred!
I took these of the kiddos sleeping....my nightly reminder that even though the days are hard...my love for them is beyond words!

 These are from the splash pad at the mall. Owen had a BLAST whereas Cecily didn't let a drop of water touch her delicate skin. ;-)

 

These are from Easter...we didn't celebrate Passover this year because none of us could handle it emotionally.

These are from some play time outside in the gorgeous weather! I tried taking a picture of all 3...yea it didn't go so well...but we like to keep it real!

 This is my view...allllll day!

 Took the kids to the zoo to enjoy the last bit of nice weather before it hits 110. They had a blast!

 So many memories on this playground....Mattie and I would sing made up worship songs LOUDLY while you did the back yard on the weekends. Oh how I wish we could go back in time!

 Colin taking one last picture in the Kiowa house

 Rainforest cafe...Colin distracted himself with a pinball game.

 Owen and daddy

 Cecily didn't even want to sit and eat...just ooooh and awwwwed over the fish!

 

Me and the Birthday girl!!!

 Mommy and Mattie...your beautiful ladies!

 Grammie with the birthday girl.

 Me and Lucy!

 She LOVED all her princess stuff!

 Cupcakes and Tangled...two of her favorite things!

 A princess tea party!