Recovering

It's been in incredibly long time since I sat down and wrote to you. Though it seems like you haven't been on my mind much these days, the opposite is true. The more memories you miss, events you aren't there for, and grandkids you never get to meet, the more I think about you and the hole that you left. Tomorrow at 12:15am 5 years ago is the last time you took a breathe here on this earth. I remember so clearly being told to look at the clock to confirm time of death, and it hit me with Quincy (the grandkid I never wrote about, 6th kid problems I guess! haha) that they give the time for birth as well as death. Which so perfectly echos the verse from the song we played at your funeral, In Christ Alone, that says, "From life's first cry, to final breathe, Jesus commands my destiny". I love, love, love that song and sing it pretty much daily! So much has happened and changed in the last 5 years it's hard to believe how different life is from when you were here. Tobin is engaged, I have had 3 children you never got to meet, Stacey is married and has a perfectly adorable little guy, Dorothy is driving now and starting beauty school in the fall, Weston is going to school this year so he can get basketball scholarships and live out his dream, Mom is married again, Bryan has changed jobs, we are however, still in this same house! Oh dad, don't even get me started on that one. God is teaching me major patience, contentment, and peace with this whole house hunting ordeal....3.5 years and counting....I must REALLY not be learning this lesson well! haha

   This morning as I reflected back on the last 5 years one thing really stuck out to me, how I am a completely different person that I used to be pre-losing you. Before your death, I felt almost impervious to "bad things". And the bad things that did happen didn't really knock me off my feet, like losing you would. Then I realized quickly that life changed in an instant. Doesn't matter who you are, what your lifestyle is, and how well you think you have a handle on life. God's plans are rarely our own. I became depressed, anxious, and felt very defeated for a few years. Nothing seemed worth it, why should I try when it didn't matter? I lived in a cloud of fear and uncertainty of when the next bad thing would happen. Thanks to a very patient yet honest hubby, he suggested I get help so that I could actually function normally again. Year 3.5 and I finally listened to him and got counseling. It was the best thing I could have done! Just getting it all off my chest and finding coping mechanisms was a life changer for me. I didn't like the person I had become, easy to anger, quick to tears/tantrums, anti-social (hard to believe I know!), pessimistic, and just overall not nice to be around for my family. I finally hit the point where I knew if I didn't start to change NOW I was only going to become more and more bitter, angry, and depressed. I realized at that point that it's easier to just stay depressed than it is to start pulling yourself out of the mud and and darkness. So everyday I had to make the choice to take one step towards healing. Most days I could only take 1 step and let me tell you dad, it was HARD somedays! It took every fiber of my being to choose not to react with anger, tears, or depression. What was so amazing along the way was seeing the kids react to my change, and to see the people God placed in my life during that time. He has given me some amazing friends who without knowing it have been His instruments in encouraging me, holding me accountable, and loving me when I didn't even love myself. I know I am still in a stage of healing, but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is an incredible feeling! I will always miss you more and more as time goes by, but that ache doesn't have to be debilitating. And for that, I am so very grateful! Coming to the point where I can say I miss you, but it doesn't send me into a crazy, out of control, hormonal mess, is a pretty dang good feeling! hehe

  Well onto some lighter stuff, Quincy Grace made her entrance into our family and into our hearts on April 13th. She shares a birthday with Lincoln which I love because they are already buds! Her pregnancy and labor was my hardest emotionally speaking ( I said that after Lincoln's but this beat that! haha) because all my plans got thrown out the window. Nothing makes you rely heavily on Jesus quite like your plans going awry! Even though it was not what I wanted, I am thankful that God gave me an opportunity to learn to trust him and show me how much He cares for me. Quincy is a wonderful little addition to the family and we can't imagine life without her. Every one of the kids adores her and she gets fought over often. The words, "Get off your sister!" are said on a minutely basis around here. She has your crazy hair (though not orange like yours) and she seems to be social already as she likes to make eye contact and gets frustrated when she can't see your face. She is happiest when she is being talked to, and does NOT like being away from us. If it gets quiet, she cries! haha I know you would just adore her like you did your little Cessy, and we miss having you there to walk her around singing to her at restaurants like you used to do so well!
  Well, I have been working on this for hours now going back and forth between little ones with needs and running errands. So I guess I will wrap this up. I don't know if you celebrate your Heavenly Birthday up there, but we are going to celebrate down here with cupcakes at your grave and a big family dinner tomorrow! We love and miss you more than words can say!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Some picture of Little Q as she is referred to in our house.