Things I want to tell my dad...: February 2014

As always experience is the best teacher and lately I have had a lot of lessons. The longest standing lesson is it's way easier to get stuck in your grief than it is to get out. I will be going on with life...minding my own business....then I see Ensure in the grocery aisle and BAM that wound opens and I am "oozing" for days. It hits so randomly I can't always prepare myself and those are the moments that are the hardest to get over. When we go to your grave I mentally prepare myself, I know where I am going, what to expect, and I can build up that emotional strength. It's the unexpected that really throws me for a loop! Like finding a pair of your socks in my sock drawer, passing by a playground that I visited with you when I was little, seeing your bus stop benches and trash cans, going to DSW to buy Bryan shoes and seeing those brown shoes with the tassels you always wore, Colin asking if we are ever going to get to see you at your office again and then go "that one place (Moki's) for lunch afterward with Grammie and Weston.", walking in to hear Cecily sing Beautiful Things and then proceed to say "mommy I'm singing Grandpa's song", going into your room and seeing a stack of dress shirts ironed then quickly realizing they are Tim's not yours, the list goes on and on. I hear it often said that it will become less painful as time passes, and to an extent it has, but it still stings so intensely at times I can't believe it has been a year and a half! Then I think of all the things you've missed out on and it seems like it's been much longer than just a year and a half! So with all of that I was listening to a song the other day and part of the lyrics struck me, it goes something like this:

So unpredictable
We're comfortably miserable
We think we're invincible
Completely unbreakable
And maybe we are
But isn't it beautiful
The way we all fall apart

It's so easy for me to STAY miserable after having a "run in" with my memories of you. I get comfortable in my grief and I feel as if moving on means I don't miss you enough or you didn't matter that much. Even if in my heart I know that is not the truth, the dark place I get to when I am grieving tells me that it's ok to be miserable, it's ok to want to just give up or run away. Then in His mercy He reminds me that He has conquered death, death is not the end of us, it's the beginning of our life with Him and the glorious eternity we will have for those that have given Him their life in surrender to Him. My reminder usually comes in the form on this song from Gungor:

This is not the end
This is not the end of this
We will open our eyes wide, wider

This is not our last
This is not our last breath
We will open our mouths wide, wider

Colin's favorite song is "Christ is Risen" and whenever we get in the car he asks for it, there is something about hearing your child sing a truth you have always known that makes is so much deeper!

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

Sticking with the musical theme (Can you tell what we have been doing a lot of lately?) we had a conversation in the car about Heaven and you and it went something like this. The song If You Could See Me Now was playing on the ipod and I hadn't listened to it all since your funeral, but as soon as it came on Colin recognized it and said something about missing grandpa. We started talking about you and the song lead into discussing that you are no longer in pain and we wouldn't want grandpa to come back if it meant you were so sick again. Colin said that he wanted to know what it was like to die because he had never died before (I did chuckle at that part) and much to his dismay I didn't have an answer for that because I have never died either! I told him that if he knew Jesus and had given Him his life it would be very peaceful and that he would see Jesus and grandpa and would meet his siblings in Heaven that he has never met before. He was very excited at the thought that he would see you again but decided that he wanted to stay here just a little longer because he wanted to see the Lego movie again and they don't have it in Heaven. He did however say he was going to tell you all about the Lego Movie and Minecraft when he gets to Heaven because you need to know about it. Oh how I love our conversations of Heaven! I never thought I would be having them with such little kids, but God has taught me so much through those moments of processing their grief with them. Cecily is a little more cut and dry and our conversations about you usually go like this, {She sees a picture of you} "That's grandpa" "Yes it is! Grandpa loves you!" "Yes but he's dead!" "Yes, yes he is!" She doesn't have quite the same emotional reaction as Colin but she was only 2 at the time so her memories are fading faster.

Well I have so much more to say but my family needs clean clothes and dishes so I need to go tend to that! I love you and miss you ever so much! Until He returns or calls me home, in the Power of Christ I stand.

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Life happenings....Owen getting big too fast!

Lucy loves the new found sitting device called a High Chair

Your Princess Cecily

My little Valentine!

Mommy did a "Year Of Dates" book for Bryan and I and this was January's date. A game of The Not so Newly Wed Game. I won and got a back massage and ice cream!

I injured myself in a way that you probably would have injured yourself...I won't go into detail on exactly how it happened but you know exactly what happened!