Not Who I Was

This last year since I wrote to you has been one of the hardest of my life, second only to the year we lost you. Shortly after celebrating what would have been your 54th birthday, we found out that we were expecting #7. We were so excited but I couldn't shake that feeling that it just wasn't right. I didn't FEEL pregnant and even more alarming I was not LOOKING pregnant. Then at 9 weeks my u/s showed a much smaller baby, measuring at only 6.5 weeks. They told me that I just wasn't as far as along as I thought I was, but I know my body scary well and I KNEW how far along I should have been. Within days of that u/s the baby passed away but I would not find out for nearly 3 more weeks. We went in for another scan at 12 weeks because I was almost certain at that point that the baby was gone although I had no actual signs that she had passed. As soon as she put the wand on my belly my heart went into my stomach, I could see the baby had not grown and that sweet little flicker of life was gone. I had to keep my tears in until the dr called us on a conference call to tell us that the baby was indeed gone and to expect to miscarry any day but as soon as we walked out the doors of that office the flood gates opened. I remember people just looking at me as Bryan practically carried me to the car. We had to wait another week and a half before my body started the process. It was absolutely horrific but I will spare you the details. We named her Faith Felicity and buried her next to Geoffrey with the kids helping to cover the box with dirt. Sweet little O said the most amazing thing I told the kids that the baby had passed away, he said, "Hey! Grandpa Wayne got to meet her first!" What an incredible thought, you get to enjoy her until we are all reunited! Anyways, I went in to confirm that everything had passed, and much to my dismay I had retained placenta. My dr wanted me to try and get it out on my own and we tried pills and a cycle and it would not budge. So 6 weeks after my miscarriage I had to go in for surgery to remove it before it got infected. The surgery went well and the dr said we could try again after I had one more cycle. We waited until the end of December and then tried again and much to my shock, two little lines popped up! They were so much darker than my last pregnancy and my symptoms were also more intense and indicated that everything was going well. I was cautiously excited but I felt like it was going to be ok so I bought a few little baby things to help my heart. It was a Monday night and Bryan and I had divided and conquered for bed time. I was sitting next to Quin and all the sudden I felt that...sensation. I ran to the bathroom and looked down and felt like throwing up. I went into the living room and told Bryan and we both started crying. We knew we were about to have to walk this road again. The next morning I went to the dr and she did some tests and said everything looked fine and it was probably just normal bleeding. I tried to remain calm but as the day wore on, there was no way in my mind that it was going to have a happy ending. Three days later at 8 weeks, I had our 9th little one and Owen named him Oscar Jack, we buried him with our two other babies. I have had so many raw conversations with the Lord about my heart, my grief, my hope, and my fears. The last 4 months have been ones of deep heart ache, wrestling with the Lord, and so much growth. I feel more confident than ever that the Lord is good, that His plans for me are good, and that He will fulfill His promise to me in His perfect plan. In a lot of ways I am not the same person I was last year before all of this happened. It has made me examine my own heart, contentment, expectations, and where my hope lies. I have felt more peace than ever in holding my plans loosely so that I am not bitter when/if He leads me a different way. Looking back and seeing that God has placed certain people in my life for this very season has been incredibly humbling. We were so loved, supported, and cared for over this last year and they continue to walk this road with us and keep us pointed to Christ. The kids miss their siblings and seeing them grieve these losses has been very difficult. I am amazed at their Faith and their maturity in knowing that God's plan for us is perfect. They have each expressed in one way or another that they would love more siblings but it's ok if He doesn't give us anymore, they are thankful for the ones they do have. And I could not agree more! His plans for us might be different than we thought, but I can say with confidence it will be even BETTER than we thought! My heart is obviously still raw after enduring two losses, but my hope is secure and I am at peace.
Please squeeze my little ones for me!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley