Truth Be Told

Truthfully I have started countless number of posts, thought of all these things I wanted to say to you, but then I just can't get it out. My heart is so heavy, my thoughts are so mixed up, and I no longer find it easy to let people in to share my thoughts/emotions with on here. I am tired of the "Your dad is in a better place" canned response people give you, and when I hear people say it to other people I want to scream. Yes, as believers we KNOW our loved ones who also knew the Lord are in the BEST place they can possibly be, but that does NOT make our grief any less painful, lasting, or intense. Afterall, God created us for Heaven, and part of us will always long to be there to be with Him and to be with those we love that have gone before. So knowing that you are in Heaven does not take away any of that pain or that longing to have you here...and reminding us that you are in Heaven is not telling us anything we don't already know.

"Once you accept the existence of God...then you are caught forever with His presence at the center of all things. You are also caught with the fact that man is a creature who walks in two worlds and traces upon the wall of his cave the wonders and the nightmare experiences of his spiritual pilgrimage."

-Morris West, The Clowns of God 

The moments you are missing here, you will never get to experience. Owen learning to walk, Cecily watching movies in your bed for a sleepover, Spring ballet recital, Wayne's first prom, Colin's graduation, Lucy's birth, Holidays, Birthdays, and down the road all the weddings, babies, graduations, etc...you will never get to be here for those things. Sure, where you are at, they don't matter one bit, but here they matter. As Dorothy stood up at the front of church to receive her final piece of "armor" from Holy Order of the Lion, I couldn't help but cry as she was the one up there without her dad. You should have been up there...you should have witnessed her moment...yet you are gone. Never to see that moment. As Colin sang his graduation songs and received his diploma from Ms. Tracy I held back tears. Taking pictures, video taping it, none of that matters because you won't see it. Father's Day is approaching and to be honest, I wish it didn't exist. Mother's Day and Father's Day are just a painful reminder to those that have lost a parent that they don't have them here. No card to buy, no gift to buy, no being able to tell you how much you mean to me and to the kids. It just sucks! Emails, mailers, commercials, all telling me what to buy my dad...and all I get to do is go visit your grave and leave a note you will never read, and flowers you will never see. 

"Then Job replied: "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas." Job 6:1-3

I was given a book last year that I've read many times and each time different things stand out and give me comfort. While reading it tonight the part that stood out was

"God understands that even though we may have buried a loved one, we cannot bury our feelings. We need time to vent-invent ways of coping with the loss in our lives. God records in His Word that people in Biblical days were in no hurry to grieve, neither should you."

So many times I feel like I should be "over it" but yet it comes creeping back in and overwhelms me all over again. Memorial Day last year was the last time you ate at the table with us, and really the last meal you ate. It was so incredibly difficult for you to do, the pain of sitting up was immense and evident all over your face, but you persevered and sat with us, ate ribs, and tried to talk though it was strained. I will never forget that...in fact while taking a shower tonight and reflecting on the events of the night, that exact memory came rushing in and I couldn't hold back the tears. Tonight was so different, many changes have taken place over the last year, and I found it hard to catch up in my mind. I don't do well with change and this last year has been nothing but HUGE changes. I am grateful for 1 thing: My God does not change-He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! And for this grieving heart those words are so precious!

I have so much more to say and to fill you in on, but for now, this is all I can muster up.

I love you and miss you painfully bad!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

The last Memorial Day you celebrated with us...a bittersweet memory.

Reflections

For some reason anniversary's, good or bad, tend to bring a lot of reflecting on the past year and the events leading up to that day. Your 1 year Heavenly Birthday is quickly approaching and all I can think about is the hell we all went through this time last year. God had prompted Bryan and I to fly Stacey out in April even though you were doing just fine, but by the time she got here, you were starting to decline. You were still able to enjoy her visit a little but your energy was pretty low. Little did we know she would be back a few weeks later after the horrible news we were given on May 10th. That phone call still sends my heart into my stomach. I knew you had your scan that morning and when I got an early call from you I knew before answering my phone that something wasn't right. Your voice told me what I already feared, the cancer had spread, and there was nothing more they could do. Your words to me were so true of your faith in Jesus, you said, "I am done using man's methods and I am now trusting God to heal me or take me home." I got off the phone and broke into tears so loudly Bryan came running in. He also knew with no words what was going on and just put his arms around me and held my shaking body. Hearing your dad say he is dying is the most surreal thing I have ever experienced. Six years ago I was getting ready to marry Bryan, life was great, you were healthy (well seemingly, the cancer had already started growing according to the drs), and in my mind you would be around to see all your grandkids grow up and maybe even some of your great grandkids! I had the "young dad" my whole life and in my perfect little world, you would always be there and I wouldn't have to watch you die until you were good and old. Oh how those dreams have been shattered! Instead I am comforting a 4 year old boy who misses his grandpa more than his own words can convey and writing to my dad in a blog instead of being able to call you. Not how I imagined life at 26 years old but I can't for one moment doubt that God's plan for all of this isn't good because I know my God, and He IS good and His plans are for good.
  We are getting ready for the ballet recital which is another amazingly difficult thing right now. You got to watch last year's recital on a DVD because you were too sick to come, and that was the last time you saw your girls dance. Your face always lit up when you watched us dance, even if it was just messing around in the living room. You took such pride in your ballerina's and were always bragging to everyone about our accomplishments and skill. Our #1 fan no doubt! I remember sitting in the front row of the recital and as Mattie and Tobin did Beautiful Things, tears just started streaming down my face. Just the day before I had been sitting next to you, watching you struggle to even move, and you had that song playing on your phone. With tears streaming down your own face you were quietly singing along and Stacey said to me, "I think he knows his time to be with Jesus is coming soon." None of us wanted to believe it, and we held out faith until (and even past) the very end that Jesus could heal you. But your healing was a more complete one...an eternal one. I still to this day ask God why it couldn't have been an earthly one so we could have had more time with you. But I know when we all join you in Heaven, we will have an eternity together and being separated will never happen again! I look forward to that with eager anticipation!!!
  So there is my reflecting for tonight. So many memories come flooding back...yet others I have a hard time remembering. I guess the most painful ones tend to stick the best. I am so thankful for the healing, grace, comfort, and peace of my Jesus because I honestly can say I would not be where I am in the grieving process if it wasn't for Him.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
We had a little fun outside today in the 100 degree weather. The kids need a real slide...but sadly you aren't here for me to call and order one. hehe