What I am Not

Hello my dear daddy! As usual you are missed greatly and the kids talk of you daily and ask to see your pictures or feel your fingerprint on my necklace. We have many talks of Heaven and recently Colin has been very curious about what his soul is and why he has one. It has been so neat to get to share Jesus with him and to see his little heart processing it all. Cecily too has been thinking about Jesus and why she needs Him and she asked if she could talk with me and daddy about inviting Him into her heart. Sweet times indeed and ones I have been praying for in their lives! God is so faithful!
  Recently I came across something that spoke very loudly to me because it's exactly what my human heart is very prone to doing. It simply read, "Don't spend time focusing on what you are not, instead focus on what you ARE." I am my worst critic. I, admittedly, spend most of my day beating myself up about what I am not, that it cripples me to be the best at the things He did create me to be. The enemy likes to frequently remind me that I am slacking in many areas others around me excel in and it somehow makes me feel like I then fail at everything because I am not good at these other areas. I fall prey to this mentality more times than I would like to admit.
I am not the mom who makes her kids lunch to match what they are learning in school.
I am not the mom that can keep her house immaculate anymore.
I am not goal oriented.
I don't think of writing love notes to leave in Bryan's backpack until after he leaves...then it's too late. It's the thought that counts in that situation, right?
I don't get up for my kids birthdays and make them this wonderful birthday breakfast and decorate their room.
I can't garden to save my life, the only thing I can keep alive are children.
I am not good at change, even if that change would make my life easier. (Things like different laundry schedule. Cleaning schedule. Getting up early to accomplish things BEFORE the kid wake up. Etc.)
I am not motivated to do all the projects that I have swirling around in my head.
The list goes on!
As I type them out, it seems so silly to let things like that define me, but they do. I feel so guilty about falling short in these areas, and yet deep down I know it's ok to not be the "jack of all trades". The mom's that I idolize that in my mind have it ALL, have their own areas of weakness. I just don't see them. It's so easy for me to just assume they are the epitome of what it means to be an excellent wife, mom, and friend, yet they have their own struggles and imperfections. So my resolve is to quit focusing on what I am not and focus on what I am. God made me with exactly what I need to be Carley Spears and trying to become someone I am not is foolishness. It's not to say I don't have areas I need to grow in...but the things I beat myself up on are not things that will further my walk with the Lord, they are simply a worldly comparison to those around me and that is...well sinful!
  Time to catch you up your grandkids! Colin is creeping up to my height slowly but surely! We have had a rough time lately but I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel...for this stage. He is doing amazing in school and Math seems to be his thing. He gets 100% on all his tests with no help from me. He loves to learn...though he would deny that...and is always inquiring about things around him that he sees, hears, etc. Cecily is also growing like crazy right now and trying to catch up to her brother! She is also doing well in school but math is not her strong point! haha She is still running on Cecily time and does things at her own pace. A character trait that we are learning to just love and embrace because it's who she is...we will however have to forewarn her future husband because he will need to allow a loooot more time to get out of the house than he thinks! haha She still loves princesses and all things pink but can get dirty with her brothers and throw mud with the best of em! Owen is amazing us everyday with his clear vocabulary and understanding of what is going on around him. His imagination is starting to really take off and he comes up with the funniest little stories when he is playing! I love just sitting and listening to him while he plays or talking to him about dinosaurs, sharks, superheros, and so on. He is a mommy's boy and is constantly complimenting me, kissing me, and just giving me smiles from across the room. Lucy is a sweet, feisty little gal! Her personality is blossoming every day and she is always making Bryan and I laugh at her antics. She knows her mind, and if you get in her way or tell her no she will let you know she is unhappy in the most dramatic way possible! That usually means throwing herself on the floor and screaming at the top of her lungs. She also loves to climb...anything...and everything! We usually find her on the table, chair, desk, beds, etc. If she thinks it's dangerous, she wants to do it! She is by far my most independent child! She does not want help, and if you try, she will get angry. Recently we thought she just didn't like her dinner...turned out she didn't like Bryan feeding it to her, she wanted to do it herself! She happily ate the whole plate when allowed to feed herself. I take this as both a good and bad thing! haha
 Well that about it wraps it up! We are enjoying the holiday season and spent tonight at Zoolights. I love the family time and being able to see people we don't usually get to see! They do however remind me very deeply who is missing...and I find myself having dreams of you nightly. I never want to wake up but sadly I do. I guess I will appreciate being able to "see" you if just in my dreams! I love and miss you dearly!
Your favorite Second Born,
Carley
My laptop won't let me add pics so I will have to add them later!

Sticks and Stones

Hello from your very tired, very frustrated daughter. The last few weeks have been really challenging for many reasons. God must be really ironing out some major wrinkles in my character because I am feeling very stretched. For starters we are battling a lot of disobedience in Colin and it's been a very mentally and emotionally {sometimes physically} exhausting few weeks. I honestly miss being able to just enjoy him, and not dread every encounter with him because I know it will result in a battle of some kind. I have been pouring hours and hours of prayer into what his heart is battling and I feel like He has given me some glimpses of what is going on that little heart and mind. Dad, I don't know how you mom did this with 7 of us?! If it were a simple, "Don't do that." or "Obey" it wouldn't be so bad, but I learned what you and mom knew all along, addressing the outward behavior only does so much good, you have to get to the heart of the matter and help them become who God wants them to be. With that comes major opposition from the enemy who would love to see me fail as a mom and Colin fall into a pattern of sin. It's so monotonous sometimes to feel like we are back where we started with some of these issues but I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel and I pray I can hang in there until then! haha
  The other frustration I have is people's need to try to tell us how many children we should or shouldn't have. I don't care how many they have, so why do they need to tell me how many we should have? Last I checked they're not raising them, paying for them, or carrying/pushing them out. It's even more hurtful when it comes from friends or family. I know "people like us" are a strange kind of person, and it goes against modern train of thought to have more than 2-3 kids, but come on they are kids not parasites!!! Each one of these little people are so incredibly precious and I can't imagine not having them here! I only wish you could be here to get to know them too. I had a nice cry fest about it the other night, it's so unfair to me while some people take it for granted they are still here to see my children, you would have been over the moon excited for each one...from 1 to 20. You always encouraged me and Bryan in our conviction about family and set that example in real life. Something I am deeply grateful for!!! So the lesson I am learning here is that ultimately it doesn't matter what other people think of me or how many kids we have, all we are called to do is live by the very deep-rooted conviction He gave us and He will bless us for walking in Faith and Conviction. I wish I could say sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, but so far it still stings deeply when people say things about our family. I personally can handle it and chalk it up to silly/thoughtless comments, but when the kids hear it, it hurts my heart that they are getting the idea in their head that they are somehow "weird" an "inconvenience" or from a family of "freaks". Colin is pretty perceptive and has picked up on a few times, and those were hard conversations but he understood...as much as a 6 year old can. I guess I just need to get thicker skin or have some really solid come backs. hehe I can remember many of yours and they always made us giggle as kids and showed us how much you adored and wanted us.
  Well I better get to bed! I gotta get up bright and early to clean out the van! It somehow managed to become a hoarding buried alive vehicle! Ugh!
 I love you, miss you, and anxiously await the day I get to see you again!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Tamara did some family pictures this year for the Spears...here are a few of your favorite grandkids!